SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Take a deep breath. Be good to yourself. You're actually doing quite well.

She gets what she wants, then gets angry at me, I guess for "not fighting to keep her, or show her how much she means to me".

JM72

She wants you to reassure her that you will be there to take care of her if the other man doesn’t work out. She will have more fun if she knows that her party is totally free without repercussions. You not giving her this reassurance throws a bucket of cold water over her fun and makes her angry.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 5:10 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]

What I am saying is that you need to think about your situation and figure out why you are here in order to gauge whether you are getting the support you need.

If you need to deal with your wife sleeping around on you, and the state of your marriage, then this is the right place. However, if you need help with your wife's emotional state, I would recommend also reaching out to a medical professional. It's serious stuff and should not be treated lightly.

Please read this from Walloped. I am a recently BH, and the reason you are getting the advice you are getting is because the folks here ASSUME that your primary objective is to GET OUT OF INFIDELITY.

if you are determined to remain married at all costs, that is a different story.

i do disagree with the assessment that she is sick. She wants some fun because she wants it and the only way she is going to stop wanting it is if it costs her.

Lastly, your situation is one of the exact reasons i resisted the advice of telling immediately all the relatives, although my wife did not do what yours has done.

You relatives are concerned about their grandkids and your family staying intact.

Probably none of them are watching their wife go out to fuck another man every night, so I think you are much better off listening to the folks here who have been there.

My first response to anyone telling me to just let it all go on would be "IS YOUR WIFE FUCKING ANYONE ELSE????"" if not, then you have no idea what the hell you are talking about.

Your MC appears to be one of the persons form the school of let her have her fun, woo her back, and suck up the humiliation and disrespect and hope she comes back.

personally, i think its time for a new therapist.

Good luck my friend. I hope you can get up the gumption to knock her the fuck off the fence.

[This message edited by Timetoact at 3:09 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]

Speaking of talking with the wife, I have a session with our counselor at 8:00 tonight. We're gonna have to talk eventually. Should I send her a text that I am going to be there if she wants to talk?

And I have a bone to pick with this counselor guy. If I was doing something wrong or destructive, he would bring it to my attention. He would say it's something I have to work on. He never mentioned any of her issues. I asked him a few weeks ago why not, and he said - "she's not ready. It would be a chunk in the armor, and she would collapse", or something to that affect.

Because of this though, she always used it as "I'm fine, we need to work on you". I'm bringing that to his attention tonight, because ignoring it and not addressing it helped bring me to where I'm at today. In my mind, he helped enable her to continue, or to "find her way". You're a mental health professional. Don't you think it might help to tell someone if what they are doing is destructive?? Just maybe?

change your counselor

Your MC appears to be one of the persons form the school of let her have her fun, woo her back, and suck up the humiliation and disrespect and hope she comes back.

personally, i think its time for a new therapist.

Ill repeat my advice to you. You are paying a guy who is protecting her at your expense because he gets paid as long as you are in limbo.

Well, we've been seeing him on and off for 5 years. He has helped us work through things, but obviously I have a problem with the way certain things have been handled.

My question is, should I send her the text telling her to meet me there if she wants to talk, or keep ignoring her? We're gonna have to talk, one way or another.

JM,

he may have helped you through things in the past but this is a different animal, and the advice these folks here are giving you is free AND better advice.

Instead of telling your wife to meet you at the MC, where she can tell you two how much fun she is having, I would tell her to go home and sign the divorce papers and that her attorney can talk to yours.

that might get her attention.

My question is, should I send her the text telling her to meet me there if she wants to talk, or keep ignoring her? We're gonna have to talk, one way or another.

Might as well ask her, but I think it is risky talking to her with that therapist. He might chime in with your wife with the blame shifting.

Hell no don't invite her to therapy tonight. That is you doing her work for her (codependency & enabling)

Your therapist sounds like he may not be the right one. ICs and MCs should always be diff people.

So basically, a few weeks in, we don't talk anymore, ever?

So I concede the marriage is over then.

JM, breathe. It's going to be ok. The M might be over. It will be ok either way.

What we're saying is that conversation has be based on a foundation of respect. Ongoing lies and and infieldity can't be that foundation. So, if she says, yes, I'm done with that guy forever and am willing to do the work, then you can talk to see if it's real, but short of that, it just won't do any good.

Your emotional health is the most important thing right now. You are worth it. Trust me. Please.

Well, you could start by telling her she needs to stop fucking this other guy before you talk. If that won't happen, what good is talking gonna do?

I'm not saying never to talk again. I AM saying you can't do her work for her. Does it really do an active alcoholic any good to go to counseling (meetings) if it is not his, but instead his wife's, idea? Not that I've ever seen. A codependent can't cure the objects of their dependencies.

Yes. You need to talk. I am leery of a counselor who would encourage letting something like infidelity just play out. Further, the MC really shouldn't be the IC. Too easy to confuse the two tasks. Talking there may not yield what you hope.

The 180 isn't to punish her. It is to get your own feet under you.

Pray on it. Act as you are guided

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 3:52 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]

"you hurt me, and you disrespected me. There's really nothing to talk about".

I'd edit it a bit. "You continue to hurt and disrespect me. If you are willing to change that, then we have some things to talk about. If you aren't willing to change, your words are likely to bring more pain and disrespect, so I don't really see much of a point in talking."

I'm bringing that to his attention tonight, because ignoring it and not addressing it helped bring me to where I'm at today. In my mind, he helped enable her to continue, or to "find her way".

It is absolutely a fair point. IMO, he not only enabled her to get to this point, but advocates continuing to enable her. Just like you push back and challenge some of the advice you are getting here, you should make him defend his position.

So basically, a few weeks in, we don't talk anymore, ever?

So I concede the marriage is over then.

What marriage? You are not in a marriage anymore! Your in a one sided open relationship at best. You act like your wife has a pen pal and all of us are crazy anti marriage freaks that want you to divorce.

If you like the advice of your therapist, to basically let her screw till she tires out and comes home worn out, and hopefully not pregnant, then go for it. You have been given the best advice this forum has to offer...from experience. But at the end of the day, it is you that has to accept that advice or reject it.

Good luck to you in the future.

Then I have to add this. It doesn't justify her actions in any way, but it might help explain her acting out.

3 years ago, there was a beautiful young woman who came to my work to feed a colony of kittens in back of my building. I fed them as well, and that's how I met her. She was 10-15 years younger then me, and had the body of an aerobics instructor. The guys at work started telling me she's asking about me, and has a crush on me. I let it go to my head, and the flirting and texting began. When it got out of hand, I didn't trust myself and came clean to my wife. I figured, if I rat myself out, there's no turning back, and she'll appreciate me being honest before an affair started. Dumb fucking move.

I was disrespectful to my wife, and disrespectful to my marriage. I was 100% wrong, but truly sorry for how I acted, and what it did to her. I never laid a finger on this woman. My wife never believed that, and still to this day thinks more happened, but it didn't.

Alot of people that know this about us are saying, "this is her revenge". Payback. This also came on the heels of my deep depression, antidepressants, and the 2 years of celibacy. You can imagine how my wife felt. She still never got over it.

And so, here we are today.

So you see, it doesn't make things any better, but I have an understanding of how my wife felt, what she went through. I'm not an angel, I made mistakes. I wish it didn't get to this point, but some of my actions in the past may have been responsible for where we are at today.

The whole situation sucks, and I DO have a part in this.

Our marriage right now is about unresolved pain, and that's what is hard to accept and work through.

Deep down, I know she loves me. She wouldn't have stuck by my side, and gone through the shit she did if she didn't love me. The deep depression, the 2 years without any intimacy, the 15 years of being a dry drunk, the assumed affair with the cat lady, me being distant, being in a fog for my untreated alcoholism. Anyone want to live with someone like that for 15 years?

So yes, I love her, deeply, and I hold on while she goes through what she goes through. It hurts like hell, but I love her, so I let her go.

The whole situation sucks, and I DO have a part in this.

Nope, you don't. Even if your WW assumes you had an A(by your descriptions, an EA) it doesn't lessen her responsibility one iota. Again,she had choices. D or MC. I understand your guilty feelings, but you cannot be responsible for her choices.

[This message edited by 5454real at 4:57 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]