SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yep, aliens have taken over. Doesn't seem like it's getting any better.

It's a massive thread. Have you done any exposure of her and OM?

You need to seperate your finances anyway. Get a bank account in your name only. She bitches about groceries after taking money to go drinking?

Dude, you seriously need to talk to your attorney.

She's coming to her end game. She is vilifying you over everything. This way she can justify her filing for divorce.

What are you going to do?

k9

You know, she can just f*ck right off.

She would have left your young daughter home overnight if you hadn't come up w/ an arrangement and yet, the WW thinks she can roll in at 1pm the NEXT DAY and get all pissy at you???

Yeah, JM. You're pretty much the WORST person in the world for buying groceries so that you, the ww, and your kids can eat.

If she actually talked to an attorney, then she must not have listened very well or she has comprehension problems because debt for "family" purposes is almost absolutely going to be split 50/50 --regardless of whose name the bill is in. For her to act this idiotic over a family purchase on a joint credit card is just f*cking stupid.

Since she's acting this way, you might want to consider filing asap and make sure to file temporary orders that lay out who lives where and how bills are going to be paid.

despite your issues 21 years ago, cheating was not acceptable by her.

The fact she chose to cheat on you because you were an alcoholic and did this with a violent criminal/alcoholic and continued to cheat on you while you were getting sober is tragic and reflects her issues both then and now.

I think she was wrong then and wrong now.

Keep moving towards divorce. She doesn't get it. Never has IMO, JM.

Keep the 180 and keep forging ahead

I see that you are getting the picture. Good.

What is important now is securing your future. I told you to "man up" ten pages so or so. Maybe that was harsh.

What I meant was get your life and future in order. That should be your priority.

Joint accounts? You should have nuked those. Again, after she's gone you will still be around.

Do you know where you will live and how you will afford it?

You need to get very, very serious about self preservation. Take a few weeks off of work, get drunk, never sleep, etc, whatever you need but get your finances secured.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:46 AM, April 18th (Monday)]

Sounds to me like you wife either has a lawyer or someone that has been through divorce that she is getting advice from. She separated the accounts not because you spent too much on food but because but because that's one of the first steps. The fit about your spending was to throw you off of the fact that she is getting her ducks in a row.

You need to see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row also.

She stays out all night and gets mad because you did not do the dishes, she is completely oblivious to what is going on.

A punishment, she is in full pity party mode.

She's too stubborn.

I have heard many BHs on here say the same thing, but actually, it is not stubborn, it is far worse. It is complete oblivion to what they have done and are doing. Stubborn is far too nice a word as to what she really is and is doing.

jm72,

I feel your pain and I am truely sorry in what you are going through. It seems are our lives are running in parallel.

I separated from wife on the 1st of Feb this year. We just returned home from a vacation in the US with the entire family on the 27th of Jan. It all became weird when we returned. Woke to find her clinging to the side of the bed. I approached her about this on the morning of the separation, and asked her straight out if she was seeing some. She up and left for work. I got a text 20 minutes later saying she wanted a separation with no explanation.

That night when she returned from work, the wedding ring was off. The gas lighting and the blame shifting was in full force. I left the conversation with my wife, doubting our last ten years. It was like it was all my fault.

My gut told me something else was up. I downloaded the last twelve months of phone bills, and low and behold 6000 text messages to two number over the last 8 months. When i tracked back, these were during family events, BBQ's with friends. There was no holding her back. Luckily I got to her iPad quickly, which my 6 year old uses, and she had kept the iCloud streaming active with her iPhone. The emails between the three were long and distinguished. I quickly took photos of the emails for further use with the lawyers.

What hurt the most was that she received an email from her AP on the 30th of Jan after we returned from the holiday, on her birthday (41st) proclaiming his love for her and how he has had the best time of his life with her. He also mentioned she was "the most kind and loyal person he has ever met" I nearly vomited.

The AP is also a fellow co worker (11 years younger). He reports to her!!! She was infuriated when she found out I knew and became angrier. Her fear was others finding out. To this day it is a secret at her work.

What i have done since the d day was the following:

- I moved out immediately. I could not bear being under the same roof with her. I knew staying would not help my mental health. I also had to consider that she had three children from a previous marriage as well as our own child who was 6. Asking her to move would had been a stretch and did not want to rock the boat in case of any perceived unfairness down the track

- I lawyered up immediately and got them to draw up a separation agreement. She initially wanted to keep running the same financial obligations before the separation. No chance!!! I hit her where it hurt immediately. She was eating cake for the last eight months (including a 30k vacation). Due to her having 3 children from a previous marriage (two which are adult). She is paying two thirds of mortgage and bills.

- I drew up a temporary custody agreement immediately. 50/50. This cut out child support immediately as we both earn the same salary.

- I drew up boundaries on communication. Son & Divorce. Text or email. No calls.

- I went into therapy with a psychologist.

- I am not looking back.

- First priority is my son & myself.

Our relationship had always been a roller coaster. The highs and the lows. I constantly felt I was always walking on egg shells (land mines!!!). I would never know when she would blow up. She was always physically intimate but never emotionally. In our time together (10 years) never had seen her cry once. She was quite self centred, and really only cared about herself. Arguments were about her winning not about a conciliatory resolution. I won't start about the financial lies snd secrets.

I was handed over to specialist psychologist that deals with abusive relationships. Our difference is that she has now been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (High Functioning) This was only ever brought to light after she was charged with DUI after separation with my son in the car. The court ordered a psychiatric evaluation. The karma bus hit her fair and square.

She is still seeing the AP, and whilst it sucks ass, I know it can never be the same and from what i have been told that therapy for BPD is negligible in its results. His problem now (AP).

Being discarded sucks. Stay strong, look after your kids and get a strong support network. I am thinking of you.

Cracker10, sorry you found yourself in that situation. But you seem to have handled the situation perfectly. Strong, precise action, all while protecting your child and yourself. Very good job. The way you handled this is a great example for others to read and draw strength from. You should post your own thread so others can draw strength and encouragement from the way you handled infidelity.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 9:46 AM, April 18th (Monday)]

Well, I see the attorney on Thursday at 3:00. Now I'm just gathering as much info as I can, W2's, pay stubs, phone records, etc.

And yes, my intent is to hit her hard as financially as I can.

I drive a 1996 Explorer that I paid $3,000 for 12 years ago.

She drives a 2016 $48,000 Dodge Challenger sports car. She posted Saturday on FB about cars, and said - "I love my baby!"

The reality of this is gonna hit her square between the eyes like a sledgehammer.

Cracker10, I know exactly how you feel, dealing with someone who woke up one day, and all of a sudden they're bipolar/schizophrenic

Now I just have to borrow money, and I have no idea how much. I have no experience with this stuff. Obviously I'll be in a better financial situation once this is over to pay back, but the 1 hour consultation is $250, not a problem, but they said I pay a retainer based on the information of the case, on which the hourly charges are paid for until they are exhausted.

In other words, it sounds like the retainer amount is based on the info I bring on Thursday, and they won't know (or me) what that amount is until they review my case.

I don't have thousands of dollars lying around.

jm72,

What I brought to the initial consultation was:

- last three joint tax returns

- current asset pool summary

- superannuation balances (Australia)

- List of liabilities including credit cards

- Bank statements

- any information that could make custody easier (evidence of affair)

I asked the lawyer the following straight up.

Strategy (mediation etc)

What do you think i would be entitled to.

If you were representing the stbxw what would you be recommending she would be entitled to and how you would represent her.

Don't be afraid to get advice/free consults from other lawyers if you don't think this one hits the mark. I cycled through three before choosing one that has experience dealing with high conflict/personality disorders.

Remember that most likely your wife had been thinking this through before you had a chance to react on discovery. They are usually well down that road and we are playing catch up. Keep info close to your chest.

Dealing with a PD stbxw is tricky. Mine has been and still is angry that I have taken the fork away and she has nothing to eat the cake with. She has started to also play with my sons emotions with a bit of parental allienation.

Stay strong

Now I just have to borrow money, and I have no idea how much. I have no experience with this stuff. Obviously I'll be in a better financial situation once this is over to pay back, but the 1 hour consultation is $250, not a problem, but they said I pay a retainer based on the information of the case, on which the hourly charges are paid for until they are exhausted.

Yeah, D is expensive - but worth it. You won't have to pay for that new car of her's while you drive a hoopdie.

One suggestion: take the loan from your 401k, if you have one (and your plan allows you to). I financed a good chunk of my lawyer that way. Note: If you can take the loan, take more than you need for the retainer and put it in the bank as backup. Some plans only allow one loan.

Now I just have to borrow money, and I have no idea how much. I have no experience with this stuff. Obviously I'll be in a better financial situation once this is over to pay back, but the 1 hour consultation is $250, not a problem, but they said I pay a retainer based on the information of the case, on which the hourly charges are paid for until they are exhausted.

JM,

I hired a bulldog attorney, but not the most expensive in my area. The retainer was $8,000, and that was nearly 15 years ago. Get ready to have sticker shock, because a good attorney will likely ask for a minimum of $5,000, and don't be surprised at $7,500.

A word to the wise here: after you have paid the retainer, do NOT ask your attorney "minor" questions. You will be billed for EVERY single question and that will eat through your retainer quickly. Trust me, I found out the hard way. I was so angry at my WS, I tended to ask my attorney "emotional" questions when I felt especially slighted by WS's behavior. Don't. Do. That.

After I saw my retainer going down the drain, I didn't call my attorney unless I was on fire. Also, as you progress through the process, you will have to answer questions called "interrogatories" and submit documents in response to a "request for documents". Do as much of that work as you can, and bring your attorney VERY well organized documents. It will save you a bundle.

My divorce was VERY contentious and my legal fees reflected that. Mine were a LOT of $$, but a lot of that was caused by my exH's attorney - he tried to bury me in paperwork that would cost me a fortune to just let my attorney handle. Be aware that your wife's attorney may have the same agenda. Do NOT let them "starve you into settlement" by forcing you to rack up tons of legal fees. You can ask your attorney for some guidance (when the time comes) and then do the legwork and organization yourself.

After my divorce, I discovered that I was good at that kind of work, and went back to college to become a paralegal. When you get to that point (called Discovery), feel free to PM me and I'll try to help you all I can.

Do NOT get discouraged and try to remember that a good attorney should be able to get you much more $$ than his fee. You just have to buckle-up for the bumpy ride getting there, and you have to give him more $$ than you think you will.

yep. Strip some of her luxury such as the car. What she is doing to you is bad enough but her driving around in class and leaving you with crap to drive just reflects her character.

Protect yourself financially in any settlement

Great. I'm broke as it is and have to borrow to pay this guy.

Sounds like the bulk of all the equity we have in the house will go to him, and by the time it's over, I'll have nothing to start over with.

Just what I was hoping for.

If your retainer was $8000 15 years ago, that would be like $10,000 to $15,000 today.

What the hell am I expecting to get for that amount of money?

Understand, I'm already upset, have no idea how any of this works, and will probably be asking a TON of questions on here.

And we are still anonymous on here, so I'll say this, I don't think it's anything that can come back to hurt me -

My wife works for the State where we live, for the judiciary. She basically works with lawyers and judges, and knows alot of them personally.

I'm sure she's getting free legal advice on what to do/not do.

I'm up against it as it is.

There's not much "free" advice that she might get from her attorney friends/coworkers that you won't get here.

You've got a lot of equity in the house? Get an equity loan.

Credit cards - max them out (esp if joint )

401k, loans from parents, whatever. Do it. You will need professional help on this.

What will you get for it? It all depends on how contentious your divorce is (will be). It could be as cheap as $5k, but the sky is the limit.

Don't fear about (re)starting out with nothing. That's just stuff. You can replace it. But your sanity is worth it.

[Trust me: 4 years ago when we moved, it took a whole 53' moving truck (semi), and I had a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, 3000 sq ft house. Then I lived in a basement room I rented for two years until my D was final, and just this month moved into a 2 BR duplex. I've spent the past three weeks buying everything, and I mean everything - silverware, dishes, pots, pans, bed, couch, etc. I left all the "stuff" with XW just to make settling easier. It wasn't worth the fight over some shitty silverware (or the good stuff).

I took the things that meant the most to me: pictures, kid's stuff, and my tools. Almost got arrested trying to take MY tools. Like she would know what to do with them, let alone actually use them. ]

[This message edited by WornDown at 3:14 PM, April 18th (Monday)]