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My job is to protect them as much as possible. I'd rather them think things just weren't working out then to have them carry this shit with even more guilt and bitterness.

Right now, there is an information void in your children's heads. They know something is wrong in their world, that something has changed. But they don't know exactly what. It is human nature (children's nature especially) to fill that void. Hell, that's why we're not still living in caves, rubbing sticks together, and keeling over dead from the first serious injury or infection we get.

In the absence of information from you, they will seek to fill the void another way...either with information from their mother, or on their own. Given the active imaginations and not yet fully formed deductive reasoning skills of children and teenagers, and given your WW's stated viewpoints and behaviors to date, HOW DO EITHER OF THESE TWO CHOICES QUALIFY AS PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN?

No, seriously. I want to know.

We are here if you want to role-play the conversation before you have it with your children!

How can they be so callous? They usually start off all sad and apologetic, but if they don't get the reaction from you that they were expecting they turn mean and rude. My WBF started off crying a little, and saying that he's "All messed up," then when I didn't want to leave him it turned into, "This is all your fault for being to friendly with your ex. You made me do this!" Yeah right. NO ONE forced you to run around and lie to me for two years. They are all crazy!

Yes they are mccloud, but when we realize this and accept it, it can be so liberating.

Just told my son I need to talk to him and his sister. She's in the shower now. He asked about what, I told him about what is going on.

He'll be 18 in July and off to college soon. My oldest daughter turned 16 a few weeks ago.

I'm telling them separately from my 13 year old.

Wow....they knew even more then I did. How dare they keep this information from me!?!? heh

Very interesting. My son knew my STBXW was seeing someone else, but not to the extent my daughter did. My wife talked to her alot about this.

My daughter doesn't want to see me hurt. I told them both that I loved their mom and wanted to work on the marriage, but she wanted to be with someone else. They understood.

They're worried about me, but I told them not to. That no matter what happens, the love I have for them will never change, and the love their mother has for them will never change. That's all that matters.

My daughter did say that she feels my wife is putting this other guy before them. She said she went to the track with my wife to walk and talk, but my daughter walked around the track by herself as my wife sat on the bleachers talking to her boyfriend.

Now for the good part. My daughter says my wife is starting to complain because this guy is broke. He makes alot more then I do, but because of 2 alimony payments and child support for 5 kids, he brings home less then I do. My wife complained to my daughter that when they go out to dinner or a club, my wife has to pay because he's broke all the time, and she's getting tired of it.

I kept my composure, but when I left the room, I was grinning ear to ear.

Oh how I love karma...

the being broke thing is getting a dollar after you lost 10,000$, The point is that your wife is so broken that even your kids know about this shit even when you don't know that they do.

JM, what is the situation with your lawyer ?

I called my brother, who has the money, yesterday and left a message, he never called me back.

Yes, I am dragging my feet, but not because I want to reconcile, I just don't have the $5,000 on hand right now for the retainer. I will though.

Karma may be terrific. But it's not so cool that your wife had already tried to play your kids against you--and that the were harboring her secret for them. I know how harmful this is, because my 19-year-old struggles, even after six years, knowing that he knew of stbx's last affair before I did. He feels he betrayed me.

You need to be VERY careful what you wish for, here. It's not about whether the OM gets what is coming to him or hurts; it's whether the kids you want to protect hurt. And the ramifications of this will be far-reaching and long-lasting---you need to be prepared to offer them a great deal of support.

That's not a conversation I'd leave, smiling. No matter what horrors had befallen OM. He's not even a tenth of the problem in this situation, really.

JM72 just wanted to say well done on deciding to tell your kids.

I hope you're able to sort out your legal finances asap.

We're rooting for you mate!

Now for the good part. My daughter says my wife is starting to complain because this guy is broke. He makes alot more then I do, but because of 2 alimony payments and child support for 5 kids, he brings home less then I do. My wife complained to my daughter that when they go out to dinner or a club, my wife has to pay because he's broke all the time, and she's getting tired of it.

Just wait until your WS has to pay alimony and child support. Even more karma.

No, I wasn't smiling in front of them. I kept my composure, and even when my daughter said she feels like my wife is putting this guy in front of them, I reassured her that my wife loves all the kids as much as I do.

I stressed that, that will never change.

The knowing my wife is getting frustrated because this guy is always broke? Yes, it felt very good. I didn't show any of that in front of the kids. I simply stressed that no matter what, both their mom and I will always be there for them. We both love them. They seemed genuinely happy after the talk.

I was treated like a doormat with little to no respect about what's been going on. Now I find out this guy is broke, my wife has to pay for dinner, and she's getting frustrated by it?

Yeah......it feels good. Sorry, but it does.

My wife complained to my daughter that when they go out to dinner or a club, my wife has to pay because he's broke all the time, and she's getting tired of it.

Any monies spent in/on the affair, if you could document this, I believe you are entitled to 50% of this even in a no fault state.

good you talked to them without bad mouthing you ww.

the next thing they are probably going to hear is the blame shifting and marriage history rewrite from your ww. another words don't be surprised if she bad mouths you to your kids.

[This message edited by convert at 11:10 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]

Excellent job with the kids. See how great you did and it turned out ok. Dad has them in the loop. They are part of the family and should know.

Now have you done full exposure without warning to friends, family, work????

She needs consequences.

The 180 is designed to help you detach not get your wife back.

Exposure is for ending the affair. If you can act it seems like the time is ripe!!!!

jm72,

"No, I wasn't smiling in front of them. I kept my composure, and even when my daughter said she feels like my wife is putting this guy in front of them, I reassured her that my wife loves all the kids as much as I do."

You don't know that.. This was the woman talking to her son in rehab about partying? Talking to your kids about this other man? What kind of woman loves their kids and dumps on them that way? DID you?

I was in their shoes once long ago. NO. She does not love them like you do .... you need to stop speaking for her. Not your place. STOP DEFENDING HER!!! You really want your kids to look at you like they do with her actions? Really?

I would have and should encourage you to take the

" I love you guys very much. I will be here not matter what, I am sorry But i have tried all i could. I do love your mother , but i cannot do this alone. I will always be your father. I hope you guys can see that I will not love you any-less or no put you guys first no matter what happens." YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR YOUR WIFE! YOU SPEAK FOR YOUR SELF AND YOUR ACTIONS ALONE!

stop the co-dependency. DO not be afraid.

Sorry. That struck a chord in my heart.

[This message edited by ToastedOats at 11:31 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]

JM - you're doing great (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it!). Hang in there - there will be some upcoming twists and turns and bumps in the road, but as long as you've got a good lawyer and go NC, you'll be okay.

I just wanted to point out something though - this:

the love their mother has for them will never change

and this:

my wife loves all the kids as much as I do

With all due respect, you don't know this to be true so it's best if you simply speak for yourself. To be honest, if she truly loved her kids, she wouldn't have risked tearing apart their family to begin with.

JM, I must tell you that I have never witnessed an unremorseful cheater who has gone on to divorce to be anything resembling a "good" parent. They may love their kids on some level, but their partner and the life they share with them most definitely takes priority. What your daughter said to you is so very normal in situations like this...it's just so pathetic that it's started so soon.

Well, I guess ToastedOats beat me to it.

Carry on...

Marc878, I don't care about ending the affair anymore.

That's not my problem to deal with, it's hers.

I wish her luck.

No the others who recently posted, no. I draw a line in the sand with this.

My wife doesn't have her head screwed on straight right now, but I know she loves these kids as much as I do.

I will NOT, nor will I ever, badmouth her to them, or make them feel like she doesn't love or care about them. If she wants to badmouth me to them, that's up to her, but I won't allow myself to sink to the same level.

And it's not codependency. It's the right thing to do with the kids. The only thing to do. Mom & Dad will always love you. They're old enough to know, if mom is acting this way, it's not their fault, it's hers.

I will NOT, nor will I ever, badmouth her to them, or make them feel like she doesn't love or care about them. If she wants to badmouth me to them, that's up to her, but I won't allow myself to sink to the same level.

Hi JM72. Betrayed child here (now an adult). I was the same age as your kids when I discovered my mother's A. I also knew a lot more than what I let on that I knew. One thing I never forgot was how my mother was so quick to throw my father under the bus with everything. She would bad mouth him up and down as much as she could. I listened to her rewrite the marriage AND our family history when she talked to others. My mother would also try and throw me in the middle ever chance she got.

My father never once ever bad mouthed my mother. He even forbade me to do it after I told my mother to fuck off once.

In the end, that's what I remember most about my parent's divorce that year. I remember my father being calm and cool, though I know he wasn't, and never once mentioned any of it to me. I remember the insanity that came out of my mother's mouth. Honestly the bad mouthing my father never stopped until the day he died. My father's only response to all of her venom was that he wishes her no ill will.

I didn't understand it all at the time. But later in life I certainly do. Now that I have my own kids I understand even more. My mother dug her own hole with all the shit that she spewed and her actions. She is now alone as I have since emotionally divorced my mother as well.

Keep taking the high rode as difficult as that may be. Keep talking with you kids and stay engaged with them. I retreated from the family all together. They and you are going to be just fine. I know from experience.

yop

You did fine JM.