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The biggest issue for you in the divorce will be the boy. If you want to stay in his life she will almost certainly demand support. You might want to check out one of the calculators to see how much that might be.

Your lawyer is going to very much against against giving any child support at all, and I would agree. It is easy in the moment to want to help him and I suspect he is the most difficult part of this for you at this point.

But that commitment would extend a decade, and would likely result in diminishing what you can give to your own future child.

That decision will be hard. Remind yourself that she chose this, not you.

Gary - sounds like you are doing fine and keeping on track. Perfectly normal to feel like you do right now, but you are making good decisions that will get you out of this mess and ready for a brighter and better future.

I don't think anyone here is worried about you being the unnecessarily harsh or hateful spouse in the divorce. I think everyone is worried that you will be overly and unnecessarily generous. Your soon to be ex has a monumental level of entitlement and a tenuous grasp of reality. Do not expect her definition of fair to be what yours is.

You said you want to do what is fair. Good for you... But make sure that is what it really is. Fair (in most states) is an even split of assets and debts from the marriage. It was a short term marriage and she has multiple degrees and an ability (just not a desire to work) so there should be no to very limited spousal support.

I have said and others have also told DO NOT agree to any official form of child support. Your own lawyer has also told you this. LISTEN to the advice you are getting on this. You do not want to chain yourself to this woman for the foreseeable future through a support payment.

Keep strong, keep focused and keep up what you are doing. You will emerge in a better place when the dust settles.

What's the situation with your IC? Has it been helping you?

Yes I agree the step son will be at least for me the main point. That is very important to me but she knows that. I am sure her lawyer will use that. Mine has even told me to be prepared to face the reality of not seeing him or having to pay to do so. Her goal is to get me to have permission without adding more for money to give her. Yes we were not married long but she will get alimony and in NJ that is a given. I don't mind doing that if its not an obscene amount.

Other than that it will be money I have put away, the timeshare, the house, and couple other things to figure out. As for child support I am not looking to def do that either. I have money put away for him when he gets older so I wont do that.

No I have not gone back for any IC. Between my work schedule and getting my apartment setup I just don't have the time to get away. If she persists I cant take my step son for little league like yesterday maybe I will have more time freed up. Sat is his next game so will wait and see what she does for that.

I just want this over with. I feel like its a boulder on my shoulders the unknown with what will happen. I want the final results in so I can move on fully

My friend...you have your head exactly where it needs to be. This was pretty much my mindset through the D. When it was done...that boulder went with her.

Keep it up man !!!

Some advice from someone who has been through this - try and find time for the IC. I know it is easy to put off, and frankly can seem a little silly.

But give it a try. The right one can help.

I just want this over with. I feel like its a boulder on my shoulders the unknown with what will happen.

Just don't pay her more than you have to in exchange for her helping you remove that boulder.

Lift that boulder a bunch of times. Carry it. Let it make you bigger, better, faster, stronger, and MORE. Then, when you get to put it down, you'll be well on your way to peace and happiness.

Thanks guys, I will make the time. Just so much going on I feel like its already a new day when I get myself together. But I will especially when the divorce starts getting into high gear.

I emailed one of the coaches I help out with for my step sons little league team to say I have some personal stuff going on at home I might not be there Saturday or near future possibly.

He emailed me back about an hour ago saying...yeah xxx (one of my wife's friends) emailed me for the fundraiser and said she talked to your wife and if I had heard from you. That you probably wouldn't be here and that you left her and her son. He was like sorry man hope you are ok pretty shocking you would just up and leave like that. Keep me posted.

Reason 54798473 why I am leaving this area. But this bugs me cause kids hear parents talk and they talk so I am sure now my step son thinks I don't want to see him or I left whatever else. Between this and the lady in my office who read my wifes facebook rants its annoying to be asked about this. I wouldn't to another person unless they wanted to talk to me about it.

[This message edited by Gary1995 at 3:15 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)]

I think it would be ok to e-mail him back, and say, something like....."yeah..I didn't leave my son...I left my wife...because I don't like her boyfriend."

confused, that was pretty good I admit thanks for the laugh. I am sure some people think I am messing around as my wife was under that impression when I said I was leaving.

I don't know maybe I am just behind the times or something but do people just openly talk about getting a divorce or marriage problems. I get it with family and close friends but I am friendly with this guy but woudnt say we are friends. Its mostly due to us coaching together. I don't know just seems odd to think that I would talk to people about this.

I am not responding though I told him what I needed and that is good for me. I barely have the energy to engage with my wife on this crap let alone a little league coach for crying out loud.

Reason number 1,423,894 for precision exposure.

She's doing damage control Gary...it's typical. You can ignore it...or blow up her lies to anyone who will listen. Up to you...neither is a wrong choice IMO.

I mean you do have text/emails/proof of her cheating at your disposal.

farsidejunky, Im sorry not totally following what you mean here. Are you saying I should expose her more openly than I have or something else?

Sybo, yeah I get it just don't understand why you know. Nah I am just going to lay low not really get into it with others or talk to them. What will I get out of it. I know my wife disrespected me with the cheating and such but I didn't think she would really stoop to do this crap. I thought she would have some dignity for our marriage in some way. I know I know looking at things on here that seems idiotic but I cant explain it before all this happened her being hateful to me is out of character.

[This message edited by Gary1995 at 3:54 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)]

Reason number 1,423,894 for precision exposure.

Gary, I understand your pain- but it may be important to stop protecting your wife's affair with your silence.

Letting work (or at least your boss) know what is up is a good thing.

Letting the guy you coach with know is a good thing, too. Not just for you, but also for the boy- because any coach worth their salt already can see turmoil in their athlete. They can help the child best when they know what is really going on.

You will be surprised by the support that becomes available to you- and your son- when other people REALLY know what is going on.

I do understand the need and desire to keep it private. However, in a non-R scenario, it has negative consequences for the betrayed.

Do not protect your wife. There are already rumors flying around your community, and since your WW is controlling the narrative, they are negative things about you. This is getting back to the boy. The boy you are willing to fight for is getting poisoned by the notion that you are abandoning him.

You do not have to bullhorn from the tallest building that she is a cheating whore... But you need to tell strategic people in your daily life so they can understand and perhaps help you navigate the road ahead.

quedagh, thanks that makes sense I wasn't sure what that meant. I was talking to someone on her about this and I am torn. I don't want to get into this he said vs she said. To me it makes both of us look bad. Plus and this is probably me being shallow or whatever but I feel a certain shame on talking to people about it. Its different talking about it here with everyone as all here are in it too.

But telling someone that I am not really all that close with...Hey yeah my wife was sleeping with another guy and in my bed too all under my nose. It just brings me down, I feel low and its bad enough I am living it and to talk about it too?

But point taken on my step son. I guess if this gets bad and more and more are talking about it than I will say something. On the advice here and my lawyer I did tell my immediate bosses on my jobs in case she tried to do something and get me in trouble at work.

That's why this line:

"yeah..I didn't leave my son...I left my wife...because I don't like her boyfriend."

or just "I'm divorcing because my W decided to date" is so good.

It puts her having an affair out there without you going into detail (and looking like a "bitter" person), which makes W look like the ass, and it also shows that you don't take that shit (even though you may be going through a lot of turmoil).

The simple, short explanation is all you need; you don't want to over share. But you do need to start to retake control of the narrative with the people that matter to you.

[This message edited by WornDown at 4:24 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)]

Gary - how you want to respond to other folks is 100% up to you.

If you don't feel the need to explain your situation to others when they ask you, then don't. If folks want drama, there is more than enough reality shows on TV to keep them busy. If you want to mostly keep your business private, then keep it private.

If you want to say something simple and to the point like 'she created a situation that forced me to leave and protect myself' that is accurate without giving details that it is nobody's business but yours to know.

My guess is the truth about what happened will eventaully come out and she will have to deal with the consequences of her spin doctoring.

Stay strong!

Gary, I do understand where you are coming from. You do not have to be explicit. You do not have to turn it into a "he said she said" sort of thing.

A simple sentence of truth is all that is needed. "She cheated on me." You can always add, "I don't want to talk about it."

Although it may feel humiliating- the facts of the matter are not.

Remember the truth is the truth and you had zero control over the facts. You should not be embarrassed by her actions. She should.

Also, her choice to betray you, her son, the family unit, and the marriage is all on her. It was her choice. It is her humiliation.

I do understand the feeling, though. Just remind yourself of what the posters on this thread have said about you- you are a good man, you went above and beyond for this woman and this marriage, you do not deserve any of this.

By the way- you are handling this very well.

That you probably wouldn't be here and that you left her and her son. He was like sorry man hope you are ok pretty shocking you would just up and leave like that. Keep me posted.

This to me seems like you have been misrepresented and I'm a huge proponent of the truth. Not to hurt anyone or get revenge, but to make sure that your character remains in tact. I understand that a child is involved and things need to be handled delicately, but you are under no obligation to protect your wife. Not sure what your son has heard or knows, it's important to keep his positive influences in the know, for his well being. Protecting her allows her to paint whatever picture she pleases with zero accountability. Hard decisions for you, sorry you're going through this.

Gary you are not responsible for your wife's actions. She chose to have an affair because there is something broken in her. It is not a reflection on you. You did everything you could and it sounds like you were a great husband to her. I understand the shame you feel and not wanting everyone to know what happened but the shame isn't yours to wear. It is her shame.

At the moment your wife is saying that you left her and her son and that isn't the truth. You tried and tried to get her to help you save your marriage. She didn't want that. As we are BS I think we understand the value of the truth because it is denied to us through our spouses actions.

It is up to you and what you feel comfortable with but I think a simple statement as suggested above saying you didn't leave your son you left your wife because she didn't want to leave her boyfriend is a good way to reclaim the truth. I have also found that when I told selected people the truth the amount of support I received was amazing and each person who was upset on my behalf helped me see that the shame wasn't mine but his.