SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Gary. How are you doing today? Hope things have calmed down a bit for you.

Hey yeah my wife was sleeping with another guy and in my bed too all under my nose.

Hey Gary, don't feel low because you were deceived. I felt that way for forever.

That is what liars do, they manipulate, they deceive, they lie and they gas-light. And being lied to does make you feel like a fool, but in reality, you are not the fool at all.

Being lied to is bad, and that is why there are laws in this country against lying. Lying is bad news. So do not feel low about under your nose.

You were deceived and lied to, any of us missed it all.

Hi thanks for asking. Yeah have not heard much from her actually. My lawyer is done her other case and said she wants to meet with me to go over some things so I am hoping this is the start of getting it done.

I am missing knowing I am not taking or seeing my step son tomorrow for his game. I am struggling some with that. I picked up a extra shift for tomorrow at my other job to keep me busy. So that should help. Couple of the people there are going out after work and want me to come. I am going back and forth if I will or not.

Other than that pretty quiet. I am good as no drama to deal with but it does hit me that going forward this will be the new norm. I will miss her and her son especially him. I just hope my lawyer will be able to work that out for me.

Thanks Craig that is helpful to remind myself. And I am mostly a logical guy and I know when I step back that is how I should feel. Just sometimes I can get my head to know that.

I am sure like others in same situation I just hate that I feel like a fool no matter how vile she is or what she did. What kills me is she pretty much doesn't seem like she is ashamed about it at least not out in public.

I think she doesn't seem to be ashamed, because she has spun such a web of lies to everyone and is believing her own story.

I completely understand your wish for privacy and to keep this quiet. The other side of me is so enraged that she is lying about you, that I would love to see you set the record straight.... in a dignified way of course. I imagine you texting LL coach "I prefer to keep my marital issues private, but am hurt by the insinuation that I abandoned my family. I am not perfect, but I was a loyal and faithful spouse and expected the same in return. Not sure how that makes me the bad guy."

Do what feels right for you, Gary. You've been making great decisions so far, despite your pain. I definitely vote for going out with the coworkers, just limit the alcohol, cuz that can bring you down. Go out and have some fun! Best to you!!!

What kills me is she pretty much doesn't seem like she is ashamed about it at least not out in public.

I know you and I think she should be ashamed. But why would she be ashamed? To be ashamed would mean she would be admitting guilt. To admit guilt would lower her status in the eyes of her peers.

Your wife doesn't value the truth (clearly) as much as she does self-preservation.

Besides, telling potential new suitors "Yeah, I screwed up my marriage by cheating on my husband" might drive them away. A much better narrative is how she was abandoned by her cold and uncaring husband. Please rescue me.

[This message edited by SquirrelFace at 2:04 PM, May 13th (Friday)]

Hi just started reading your thread. One quick question is OM our of her life.

Hi just started reading your thread. One quick question is OM our of her life.

Gary, I know what you mean about feeling ashamed about the situation. I felt the same way. I am a very private person, so I did not tell people what had happened either. That turned out to be a huge mistake. My XH was telling people I worked with that I was cold, uncaring, and withholding sex. All untrue. But when people said something to me about it, and I did not refute the allegations, people took that to mean that I was agreeing with the untruths. They did not understand why I was embarrassed and ashamed. Instead, they thought that his statements must be true since I did not tell my side of the story. It was a HUGE mistake on my part. I should have made some short, simple explanation that he was lying. Instead people took my being ashamed as that I was ashamed of how I was acting toward my XH. I lost many "friends" just by not defending myself. Please do not make the same mistake. Learn from my errors. I am still hurt by what happened. I just wanted to be private about it. Instead, my silence was interpreted as agreement.

It is embarrassing to me just to write this post. But I care about you and want you to not make the same mistakes. (Edited to clarify.)

[This message edited by craverz at 6:15 AM, May 15th (Sunday)]

JohnA1, yes when I confronted her and told her I knew she cheated they were not seeing each other after that. Or at least what I could detect from checking her phone, email, and thru the VARs.

SquirrelFace, you know you made me think of something I had not. That her saying this is not really to get at me but to make herself look better for other men when she gets back out there.

craverz, thank you so much for saying what you did. Obviously that was not easy for you to write and I really respect and appreciate that you did and shared. I am sorry that you were made to feel like that and all of that happened to you. Your point of view is very helpful to me and I really took what you said to heart.

I'll back up what craverz posted. Do you need to shout your side of the story from the mountain tops? NO. But when people come to you for your side of the story, tell the truth. It makes more sense to them every time. You only have to say it once, while your wayward has to come up of many variations of it from his/her side, refute, revising, restating....

In my situation, all of the family and friends who came to me for my side of the story got an abbreviated version of the truth which was "she had an affair and it was with OM." Some asked for further details, but most of them had that "aha!" look because they already had details of their own they observed. They just couldn't make sense of it until I told them the underlying story behind those details. The support suddenly swung away from her to me.

Yeah I agree. I ended up talking to that coach again and told him the real deal. So yeah going forward I will defend myself if it is made to look like I am the bad guy. I just hate having to talk about getting cheated on with people that I don't want to talk about it with that is my issue but at the end of the day is it really a big issue?

I shouldn't care anymore anyway, my wish for a respectful divorce was a pipe dream. My lawyer heard back from hers and it was not what I was hoping. I expected some pushback but she wants to pretty much clean me out. We are worlds apart on alimony and this was with me going against my lawyer and offering more, she wants the house, money I saved, timeshare. If I was to agree to that I would have nothing left for myself pretty much.

My lawyer told me this was laughable and that don't panic. Her lawyer is a friend of her family so pretty sure why he let her think these proposals would fly.

This is the last thing I wanted to have to do this back and forth.

I have been following your story, infidelity sucks, then comes the divorce.

I expected some pushback but she wants to pretty much clean me out.

It seems if it isn't a reasonable and easy divorce it goes this way. Stick to your guns, she will be fine without a huge settlement. She is upset that you wouldn't let her continue her PA and still be married to you.

Since she did not accept your reasonable offer, LOWER your offer. Offer her a third of the marital assets and nothing for her son. Then accept a fair counterproposal if one is offered. Play hardball. She is THE ENEMY at this point.

[This message edited by PlanC at 11:53 AM, May 16th (Monday)]

Plan for the worst. Hope for the best. No one will be your advocate. Even your attorney. YOU have to protect yourself.

Protect yourself and your ability to rebuild your life..Otherwise you will be a little help to others ( the kids) who may depend on you..

Also: ask your lawyer if quitting tbe second job would lower spousal support.

My lawyer told me this was laughable and that don't panic

Listen to your lawyer and don't panic. Remember what I told you privately. Jersey is an equitable distribution state and you haven't been married long enough that she can "clean you out". Add in no kids together.

Lawyers always aim for the stars in the beginning...it's all part of the "game". My ex was asking for stuff that literally caused the early settlement panel to LAUGH at her attorney.

Listen to your lawyer.

I told my XWW that if she even mentioned spousal support, I'd release the Kraken...

Her lawyer sent mine a proposal that included SS. My lawyer responded that we would be seeking EVERYTHING in a court application to be filed the following day. Before XWW's lawyer could even respond, we sent a copy of the court application that was to be submitted when the court office opened.

XWW suddenly didn't feel like she needed SS anymore.

She is your ENEMY because, clearly, you are hers. The woman you thought you knew is gone, buddy, time to put on yer fightin' boots.

ETA -Don't be afraid to call her bluff and tell her you're ready to go to court. Divorce is a business transaction and this is all part of the deal-

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 12:24 PM, May 16th (Monday)]

Thanks guys for the tips. It helps to hear from others that have gone thru this stuff. As for not working my 2nd job it might not matter a this point as my income is factored in. Plus I am waiting to hear back in the following weeks on this job I posted for. If I get it I will be back to my originally at and more so I will be quitting the 2nd job anyway.

I don't think she quite grasps if I was to give her what she is asking that I would have like hardly any money leftover for myself. I hope against hope she would not be that hateful to want that to happen.

I guess it was fools thinking that this would be quick and easy and we could move on to our lives starting over.