SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let me just say up front, that for a couple of months now I've been committed to not filing for divorce, but now I'm starting to question my decision.

My wife is having an affair. I know about it, and she knows that I know. Her first contact was in January of this year. It was not physical at first, just a platonic friendship. I know that it was trouble at the time but I've never really been the jealous type, so I ignored my instinct and just tried to be cool with it. But the second time she met up with him she spent the night.

At the time my first response was, "*&^% this woman, I want a divorce." None of you will be surprised to hear that over the next day or so, I wavered and she wavered and she came back into the house. We were going to go to MC together. Then I found out the next weekend that she was continuing to contact the guy via text and was planning on seeing him again. Again, rage monster came out and my thought was, OK this time we're getting a divorce for real.

For some reason that I still don't quite understand, I wavered again and decided to just give the whole thing some time. To sort of let her figure out just what the heck she was doing with her life. We've been married for 15 years, we own a home together, we have two beautiful daughters (5 and 7). I guess for my part it just seemed like a tragedy to burn that down to the ground for a momentary lapse in judgement.

That was in early February. So fast-forward 4 months. She is still seeing him. We are still living together. I decided that I would not file because I still think the marriage can be saved. Assuming she drops this guy and says that she wants to work on it with me...which at this point who knows if that will ever happen.

I have read a lot of posts on these boards and I know that most of you will give me the advice to just man up and divorce her already. I can see that. The DestroyedOne from five years ago, or even two years ago would have done that. I know that even though all of our situations are slightly different, there are enough similarities that when I say, "But here's why I'm different!" most of you will just roll your eyes and laugh.

But here's why I'm different! A little over two years ago, I went into AA and sobered up. I completely turned my life around. I've done everything I could to re-invest in my life. I'm more committed to my kids, my job, my health, and my marriage than at any time that I can remember. And sometime over the past two years, I fell back in love with my wife.

And that's why I'm stuck in this state of emotional paralysis. The whole thing has completely unmanned me. I can't imagine losing this life that we've built together. Our kids, our home, our future...all gone because she had to go out and scratch an itch. She tells me things like, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (I know, totally unoriginal). "I'm not attracted to you (while at other times telling me how handsome I am, or complimenting me on how I look with my shirt off, etc). I love you and you're my best friend, I don't want a divorce because it's so final, but I can't go back to being so unhappy. I see the man that you've become, and if I met you today you'd be the perfect man for me, but I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's too late for us.

All of this has gotten me totally wrapped around the axle. My therapist - who I've been seeing since I sobered up about two years ago - has recommended patience and a wait-and-see approach. My family (sister, brothers, dad) has recommended that I just pull the trigger and divorce her. My heart is completely broken. I just don't know what to do.

Also let me add that we're in this really weird, congenial place. We are still friendly with each other. Non-sexual but we're still sharing our bed. She doesn't mention the OM and I don't bring it up (after a couple of initial arguments). But I'm falling apart on the inside.

Go read the thread "my wife has lost her marbles" from beginning to end.

There is an irony that often the only way to save the marriage is to file for divorce. You being patient is letting her build more emotions with the other man. You should not get angry. But hou should tell her that she needs to stop her affair or you will divorce her even though you love her. And then if she does not immediately relent you should in fact file for divorce. Make her feel consequences. Like an alcoholic--she's not gonna change until she hits bottom. So let her know what the bottom looks like. You can always call off the divorce or remarry.

You are allowing her to have you both. A stable home to watch the kids and share chores and finances, and to go have an escapism of fantasy of romance and sex with other man.

They call it the "affair bubble" - nothing reality in the bubble - no kids, no chores, no finances - just I love yous and sex.

In order to save your marriage, you must burst the affair bubble - make it real.

One part of doing that is to get the other man to quit - expose to other man's wife, and have him throw your wife under the bus.

A second way to do that is to expose the affair to your wife's family and have them influence the situation.

I believe the first two in your situation, but this third thing is the one that works best - get her to decide on her own that the affair should end and come back to you. And that means you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. You tell her you are filing for divorce, and you encourage her to go be with other man. Tell her you love her, would like her to stay, but you just can't watch this affair any longer, so you are divorcing. If she changes her mind, maybe you will take her back, but maybe you will have been moved on. Tell her that you deserve to find another woman to love her the way she loves - to be fully and loyal.

I always say that any successful reconciliation has to have a good dose of luck and timing. If the cheater is in the midst of a passionate love affair, very likely will the cheater come back to the marriage, or at least not anytime soon. If the exposure doesn't work and the filing doesn't work and the 180 doesn't work, you're stuck. Then you have the option of move on and divorce or wait. So what happens then? I have seen a few times where the cheater goes to the affair partner openly, sometimes the cheater has a "don't ask don't tell" dynamic. But you know where the cheater is going Saturday night as you watch the kids. You may win the battle but lose the war - you win your wife back but lose yourself.

If you find out the cheater has been 3 years into the affair, it is painful, but the affair has just about run out of the gas, so you can get the marriage back, not much lying afterwards (the lying afterwards usually kills the marriage, not the affair itself), and revitalize the marriage. The affair lasted 3 years, but you didn't have to watch it day in and day out for 3 years.

Juxtapose that to the affair is just starting, or six months in, and you find out and "drag it out" and wait for 2 more years. Day in and day out of watching the cheater continue cheating. It is the same length of affair, but a huge difference in pain and ability to recover.

When it comes to "saving the marriage," I advise that losing your self-esteem and self-respect is too high of a price.

I posted this another thread a short time ago. Most of the affairs are similar. It is a human behavior, and it is fairly predictable. So much so that some people wonder if the cheaters are reading the "Cheater's Manual" or "Cheater's Script."

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

What she is doing is what people call "Fence Sitting." She is sitting on the fence, other man on one side, you on the other. And she likes it there, she has TWO men to meet needs.

My advice is to push her off the fence, don't make you an option any longer, unless she commits to you and commits her sacred vows.

Think about HER love for you. She "loves you" like a "best friend"? Please. She stabbed you in the back, went back on her sacred vows, PLUS she is hurting you every single day. She is asking you to stay in a marriage without any sex from you, without romance or passion from you. She can get romance, passion, sex PLUS her best friend, you. And she is good with that. Do you really think she loves you, even as a friend? No, she is just selfish and loves only herself.

Think about other man. Is he OK being with your wife part-time, just for the sex part of her, sharing her with you? How messed up this sounds.

What is the dynamic with that affair - she plans to live this way indefinitely? Other man is OK with that indefinitely? And your plan is hope. I was told long ago, hope is not a plan.

How do you foresee this happening? Follow through on each option - if you file for divorce, where will this go? If you stay with your wife while she continues cheating, where will this go?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:09 PM, May 6th (Friday)]

You are living the life of a cuckold.

She's happy. She has you as plan B the guy who pay the bills and keeps the home intact. While she's out banging OM.

You will in her eyes have no respect because you are sitting back playing the "pick me" game. She's already done the picking. It's OM

You are affraid you will lose her? She's already gone man.

Do full on exposure (his/her family, friends, work) and file. Why? It's the surest way to end the affair if you want to try and salvage this. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it if she wakes up. Do the exposure with no warning. . If he's married his Wife needs to know anyway.

Being in fear, weak and timid will get you nothing.

Read up on "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDFs download.

Get moving you are way behind here.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 9:28 PM, May 6th (Friday)]

Therapists are not gods. This is loser advice.

They are screwing with your family, life and future.

Find your damn balls and take charge!!!!!!

Institute the 180 and file for divorce. Don't warn her just do it.

How dare she spend time with and sleep with another man while taking that time away from her children and husband!

Does the om have a wife? If he does you need to tell her. It's not fair to her to not know this.

You won't lose your children but she might.

I'm sorry you're here.

obviously your therapist has no experience in infidelity. Wait and see approach ? WTF

Look, you should have gone with your first instincts and filed but you didn't. Now she thinks it's ok or you won't do anything about it !!!

Stop trying to save this 'marriage' if that's what you call it because she's not acting like she's married. Is she ??

BTW it's double betrayal. She's giving herself to him and physically, you get nothing. Except to look at her in bed and think about the other man.

This is not good.

Listen to your family and file. If she comes back, you hold the cards but she's not worthy of you so curb her anyway. If she doesn't come back, at least you started the clock towards divorce.

Your being passive hasn't helped you one bit.

And I know your heart is broken so stop listening to it. It's like trying to go through the desert with a damaged engine. Your mind has a solid engine and you leave it behind.

Get a hold of your emotions, see an attorney early next week and file for divorce. Do a 180 (look it up online) starting immediately. Stop sleeping with her, show her some immediate consequences and then hit her with papers and see what she does. And BTW, dealing with cheating is never a momentary lapse of judgement. You needed to act aggressively.

You said this "That was in early February. So fast-forward 4 months. She is still seeing him. We are still living together. I decided that I would not file because I still think the marriage can be saved. Assuming she drops this guy and says that she wants to work on it with me...which at this point who knows if that will ever happen."

You are well behind the 8 ball. Someone else here said you are being cuckolded. YOU ARE !!!!

Deal is that you know what to do but you are afraid for your daughters and your stability so you are willing to get cheated on and deal with the turmoil internally..

Anyone who has been married 15 years and cheats in a healthy marriage with two young kids jeopardizing their future is mentally ill. Yes, I called her mentally ill.

In the end, what are you going to do ???? None of us can force you to do anything unless you stand up for yourself !!

You are questioning your decision not to divorce. Stop questioning it and do the 180 and do it !!

I know that some here will disagree. But some here also are not living your situation. They have but you are current and need to act aggressively.

You have no control. You ceded that. Take it back and step to the plate for yourself !!!!!!

I know this seems strong. I am trying to be in your corner.

Keep us updated but this is not right

[This message edited by Western at 9:48 PM, May 6th (Friday)]

She tells me things like, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (I know, totally unoriginal). "I'm not attracted to you (while at other times telling me how handsome I am, or complimenting me on how I look with my shirt off, etc). I love you and you're my best friend, I don't want a divorce because it's so final, but I can't go back to being so unhappy. I see the man that you've become, and if I met you today you'd be the perfect man for me, but I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's too late for us.

Bottom line, you are being played for the sucker. She is giving you just enough to keep you in line while she continues to screw her boyfriend. The longer you put up with it the stronger her bond to other man will be. Your therapist is an idiot. Take a few hours and read through all the threads here where guys did the same thing your doing. It doesn't end well for them, and this isn't going to end well for you unless you snap out of this and stand up to her.

You need to go to the Healing Library, yellow box upper left corner of screen, and read about the 180. It will help you detach from her. Then you need to tell her that this situation is over. You are not sharing your wife with another man. She must stop now, or be willing to end the marriage. Because what you have right now is NOT a marriage.

Your family has advised you well. You need to put a stop to this now. She is using your inaction and desperate fear of ending the marriage against you to force you into letting her have a one sided open marriage. You need to stand up to her and put a stop to it.

As to all the talk about how your different... not really. Like PlanC mentioned, read the thread he recommended, same thing with AA, same waiting till she came to her senses. Outcome... she's still with other man, and he's filing for divorce.

Standing up for yourself and demanding the affair stop is the only way, even if you have to divorce. Because three people in a marriage just simply doesn't work.

Oh, honey, I feel for you. You're in a tough spot. I have to agree with the others that your therapist might not be giving the best advice. Therapists are humans, too. Maybe you should talk to some else?

I do think this is a PA with your wife, unfortunately. You might need to shock her out of the "fog", if you want to save the marriage. That would be filing for divorce, moving out, or kicking her out. I think that if you had her served with papers, she would probably come around.

[This message edited by mharris at 10:56 PM, May 6th (Friday)]

Well I've gotten some pretty consistent advice from you all! Holy smokes. I think this forum should be changed to 'divorce advisors' or something. J/K, I totally get where you are all coming from and I'm not criticizing, this is just such a shitty situation. I wasn't a perfect husband but damn I don't deserve this. I really don't think she understands the gravity of what she's doing. Maybe serving her with papers will shake her out of it? Maybe not? I need to get to a mental place where it no longer matters to me if it snaps her out of it or not. Damn it I never thought of myself as someone who would get a divorce.

Just got a text from her talking about how much she misses the girls and how she'd like to call them tomorrow (she's taking a 3 day weekend with OM). It is literally taking all my willpower to not send her a reply back telling her that she wouldn't be missing them if she were here at home instead of spending the weekend with her OM. It would make me feel better right now, but would it get us any closer to reconciliation? Is reconciliation even possible? I'm angry at her for even putting me in the situation where I have to think this way. I never thought of myself as weak, maybe I am. I'm just spilling my guts to you all at this point.

Destroyed

Take a deep breath please . You are shell shocked because you have been living in this nightmare for too long .

This is not a pro divorce forum so please understand that . But it is a forum where most of those responding to you assume you want to get out of infidelity. Your approach has not done that so what you are being told is it is time to switch strategies.

Now, why on earth would your wife want to make any changes to what she is doing ??? Can you answer that ???

She likes having you around. Her home is intact . She has her kids safe.'the bills are paid . And at the same time she gets to have a boyfriend to have hot sex with. What a great set up for her !!!

I am not going to call you cuckold or any other names but you are without a doubt in an open marriage , a one sided one at that , that you did not sign up for.

Now let's realistic you therapist who in my humble opinion is an idiot . But there is a school of thought in the therapy community that you should do exactly what you have done and woo her back . Fortunately most therapists are not of that persuasion. I have not been on here that long but there are a few others with therapists like this and all have continued to get shit on and none have had their wife come running home unless the OM dumped her.

Buddy women enter into affairs primarily first for emotional reasons and therefore they get attached much more than men. And the longer you have let this go on the less the chances it will stop .

The reason you are being told to file is because she is past the point of trying to talk to her reasonably if she is openly dating with you as the baby sitter . I personally cannot even fathom how you can sit there , watch her get all dolled up to go have sex with another man , and do nothing but that is something only you can change .

You need to get out of denial my friend . She has no fear at all that her behavior is going to have any negstive consequences for her and to date it has not . That dynamic needs to change

I know you do not want to hear it but she has taken the choices away from you to the point there are two only left.

(1) continue to let your dignity and self esteem be abused in this horrendous situation

(2) get yourself out of infidelity . That may not mean you stay married and that is what you have to accept .

If you choose number one , that is fine. If you do that I would suggest you visit a polyamory forum because that is what your wife has you in right now . You can get advice there on how to accept what she is doing and lessen the emotional toll . They call it "compression" , meaning you over her so much that you are happy she is so happy . I could vomit typing that .

If you choose number 2 , you can get help here . You most likely will not get a lot of advice to continue what you are doing because that has been a total failure . Smart people , and you sound like a smart thoughtful guy, do not keep doing stupid things and expect different result

It is time to change strategy my friend . If you do you will regain your sanity and stop

This emotional abuse she is doling out to you

a tragedy to burn that down to the ground for a momentary lapse in judgement.

It has been four months. She CHOSE. How do you perceive this as a "momentary lapse" in judgment?

Here is what I think is a momentary lapse in judgment - when you are in a hurry driving, and the traffic light turns from yellow to red, and you run it.

Here is what I think of a choice - when a woman meets a man, and the woman is married with kids, and she kisses the man, goes out with the man over and over, has sex with the man, and goes on weekends away with the man while her husband and kids are home. What part of that is "momentary"?

all gone because she had to go out and scratch an itch.

It has been four months - "scratch an itch"? four months of scratching that itch? It must be a big gaping wound where it was scratching.

"Momentarily." "Scratch an itch." I don't think I am agreeing with you what those things mean. My definitions are much different than yours.

we're in this really weird, congenial place. ... She doesn't mention the OM and I don't bring it up

As she is lying in his arms in a hotel room, texting you about your kids, you are worried about sending an angry text because:

would it get us any closer to reconciliation?

I never thought of myself as someone who would get a divorce.

Did you ever thought of yourself as someone who would get a wife who wouldn't stop cheating, either?

Has your wife ever told you her plans, her hopes, her dreams? What are her plans, her hopes, her dreams?

How do you see this situation going? Do you think she will end the affair and come back to you eventually? It has been four months, everything is good because they get to have nice three-day weekends in a nice hotel with a heart-shaped whirlpool tub, wines and strawberries and cream and chocolates, delicious sumptuous dinners with waiters filling her wine glasses when they begin to get empty, then maybe a nice comedy show, or a romantic comedy movie, and then up to the room, into the heart-shaped whirlpool, then dry off all soft and clean and make love on a huge king bed, then she gets missing her daughter, and she texts you and you maybe wake the kids up to tell her "Happy Mother's Day! You are the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD!"

Yeah, I think she's about to crack and come back to you any time now. She can't take much more of this.

She went away for the weekend on Mother's Day weekend?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:35 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

I just don't think she'll stop the affair if she is having so much fun, and you get along with her very congenially.

What are you doing to make your wife want to end the affair? Even she thinks it has become all good for you.

Just got a text from her talking about how much she misses the girls and how she'd like to call them tomorrow (she's taking a 3 day weekend with OM).

Under no circumstance should you let her speak to her children while she's off long-weekending with OM.

If Mother of the Year wants to speak to her kids then she can either:

1) come the f*ck home; or

2) file for divorce and get orders that tell you when she can speak to them while you're caring for them.

Your therapist's ill-advised wait-and-see approach isn't working. It is only allowing the situation to deteriorate.

Man I get what you're saying. And when you put it like that, it's so clear to me. I honestly don't know at what point I got to be such a pussy about all this. I didn't used to be like this. I really didnt. Something about this whole damn situation has just totally unmanned me. I have got to get my balls back.