SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Man I am really sorry for your situation. Mid life crisis should have happened 20 years ago. Whatever this is if she decides to leave you should be entitled to some of her govt. pension and 401k.

I truly am sorry for what is going on but it does not sound like you were happy anyway. Go see an IC and explore your feelings on all of this. Sure you had a lot of years together but it sounds like many of those years were not all that good. Maybe her leaving is a blessing in disguise. Just a thought.

I turned 55 last week and I am a life long competitive swimmer I train everyday. I understand the whole old folks trying to stay young through physical competition. But no matter what Father Time catches up.

Thanks for all the support!

They had a flurry of messages, but deleted them as I watched. Only caught fleeting glimpses. Catching on. He was angry and had wanted to punch me out, he said.

She sent an apologetic email to him saying how sorry she was he had to go through that. It was between me and her, she said, not him, and she needs "time and space" to work through it with me.

He messenged back "I'm sorry I let it go this far. Very sorry. I was selfish. Don't worry about me! I'm back where I started. But I'm (sic) made your situation worse. I was selfish. Should have listened when you said you weren't available."

She took the blame on herself again and said "I wanted you to come this morning, so much. No regrets baby. No regrets."

"you're not back where you started, I'm here."

I got a little more intel on Bike Boy. He's in his 50's which makes him at least 6 years younger than her. (See her lament in the thread above that biking makes her look younger and if she stops she'll become an old lady).

Can't wait to ask her if she calls him "baby" because he still lives with his Mom.

She seems to be more into him than he is into her.

They're both very immature.

They talk like kids who're still in high-school.

BB, did you have a chance to read "Not just friends"? Strongly recommend it to your wife, I'm not sure she is aware of what's going on.

Good luck.

So sorry you are here BB. There was a thread here called"Honey they always affair down" that you might want to check out. It sounds true in your case as well. My wife had an affair with an ex classmate of hers (we live 8 hrs away) . He came here for a weekend after an EA for several months. Turned out he was an immature serial cheater with poor hygiene and works as a janitor.

Fantasyland blinds WSs to how this would play out in the long run. When My wife got her head out of her ass I asked her how she thought this would play out if she carried it through, she said she never thought it thru and got caught up in the fantasy because it made her feel so good.

Not to take any responsibility away from our WS, but there are people out there that are good at picking up on those who are looking for validation and have poor boundries.

Have you decided what you are going to do?

It seems you have enough information on her current doings, combined with past behavior, to make a decision as to what flow chart path is best for you.

Mid life crisis should have happened 20 years ago.

Yes, 10yearsafter, on reflection this is retirement-age life crisis. I'm sure there's snappier term for it.

BB, did you have a chance to read "Not just friends"? Strongly recommend it to your wife,

I'm not familiar with it, but I've noted your suggestion. Thanks.

I'm taking the day to read relevant bits of Divorce After 50 book, and to read the SI library. Lawyer says I should meet with her today or tomorrow (today is too soon for me) but only to listen to what she has to say. No promises, no commitments, no decisions.

Reconsider meeting her or responding at all. She's told you that she was leaving. It may make a bigger impact if you go dark.

That said, you want to work with your lawyer right now to protect your assets. My friend's husband put her in the hospital last year. By the time she was out, she'd moved all of their money with the help of friends. Assume she's is lawyering up now, and be on the defensive.

My take on their conversation is that he's trying to back out and she's either not getting it or not accepting it. Doesn't sound to me like he's saying what she wants to hear - leave your husband and come be with me. I'm thinking this fantasy will be relatively short-lived. Also, seeing her in a hospital bed may have given him a different perspective on things.

BB64, just wanted to say you are getting good advice, and doing alright. Keep on keepin' on, brother. Here's my one piece of advice; ask yourself the following:

- What would the best possible outcome from this point on?

- What would be the worst?

- What outcome do you now think is the most likely?

Actually enumerating these things is useful in all kinds of problems.

Sending strength!

If they are deleting their conversations immediately after sending you can set a video camera to capture the screen and walk away. Then later compare cell records for the times to skip to on the video to play them in slow motion freezing on each text.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 12:36 PM, August 21st (Sunday)]

He wanted to punch you out, who the hell does this clown think he is. You are visiting your injured wife in the hospital and he has a problem with being asked to leave so you could talk to the doctor alone. This guy is a joke.

He lives with his mom at that age. Has he ever been married?

The book your wife needs to read right now is called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

It might open her eyes a bit.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 12:40 PM, August 21st (Sunday)]

The talking tough OM reminds me of the used car salesman played by Bill Paxton in True Lies. He wanted to punch you out...and then what? Run home to mommy?

I'm so grateful to have this support and suggestions.

Two recommendations for Not Just Friends. Is this the right time, though? I'm afraid she's not very receptive. She may see it only as something attempting to keep her away from her "drug."

What do you think? What's your experience with handing this book to your spouse?

House, good advice. Those are points I went over with the lawyer on the first day, but I needed a reminder.

Good idea for surveilling more communications, I don't have a video cam.

Worn out! Adrenaline wearing off?

I've read NJF myself. While an excellent book for the two of you to read, preferably together, I don't think your WW is going to be receptive. She's deep in the A and there really hasn't been a full confrontation yet correct?

Then again, can't exactly hurt to hand it over. After all, they aren't just friends. The book would hit home.

Now's not the time to let the adrenaline wear off. Keep taking action and moving forward. I see the next step your lawyer to meet with her today but no promises. Then what? Finances? Living arrangements? Doesn't matter which way this thing goes as you should always prepare for the worst.

yop

Two recommendations for Not Just Friends. Is this the right time, though? I'm afraid she's not very receptive. She may see it only as something attempting to keep her away from her "drug."

The main problem here that I see, is that your wife has been having affairs probably for the entire marriage, and she has never seen anything wrong with these so-called friends, and she doesn't now.

But you never know how an experts voice might affect her.

On the video camera, go to best buy or walmart, you should be able to get one for less than $100 that will be able to record more than 24 hrs on its media with its in AC adapter plugged into wall. Then, once a day download video to your computer, confirm downloaded file is ok then delete off camera media and start next day. Be sure you set date & time on camera correctly as it will make it easier when comparing against phone records.

ETA: Be sure camera can operate while AC is plugged into it. If you get one that only operates with battery you will need to change batteries often.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 2:44 PM, August 21st (Sunday)]

The plan to meet the lawyer today has changed. She said Monday or Tuesday. She says ok to meet with wife tomorrow first if I just listen, take notes and see what her position is, then bring it to the lawyer and decide what next steps are.

Had the meeting. Here's the summary.

She: wants to return home after Rehab as soon as next weekend, has option to stay another week. Has objective of permanent separation and divorce. Had not anticipated financial and legal issues this brings up. She wants to find a way to fund a separate residence and life.

Me: Wants her to return home after Rehab with reconciliation as objective. If that is not the objective he feels it would be awkward and fractious to have her in the home. He does not want any removal of marital property and will not accept any reduction in current household financial support.

She seemed woefully unprepared for what she says she is planning to do. Has nowhere to go. This is only a week before she planned on dropping the bomb on me.

I talked to both our adult children about this - that she was planning on leaving me. I did not tell them about Bike Boy.

This evening she is chatting with Bike Boy again.

I think you should tell your children the truth that their mother has been having an A. She needs to see that this is unacceptable. If you leave it as is you risk her controlling the narrative.

BTW - I nearly snorted my coffee when you mentioned she expected you to fund her "new" life. The entitlement of a wayward never ceases to amaze me .