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TOC, when I was in your shoes heading for D, my therapist suggested me "half-year break": he temporarily banned my contacts with both WS and OP, suggested to minimize any talks about D with my friends and family, and encouraged me to move away to a different country. Because at that point I was about to get stuck in my thoughts of frustration and revenge, or forgiveness despite disgust. Because at that point these contacts and talks caused nothing but destruction and unhealthy satisfaction at best.

I accepted a job offer overseas and moved to a new environment to meet new colleagues and master new hobbies in my daily routine. In six months I returned to my therapist being a different person – being myself, and not that lost and helpless guy who was damaged to its very core. I was still in pain, but strong and independent, and from that point I've started to regain control over my destiny.

So shortly, if you feel that talking to your WS, OP and us at SI does not lead you anywhere you want to end up – leave if all for a predetermined amount of time. Because being broken and weak does not help to make right decisions.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I had a similar circumstance where my husband left his FB browser open and minimized on our office computer. I clicked on it to check something and saw him sexting from his phone (at work) with someone. Saw it in live time. Talk about painful! During our first MC session, the MC said something inside of him was reaching out for help-kind of like a drug addict ready to get clean. It's subconsciousness and he may not even be aware he is reaching out for help.

TimelessLoss, those were hilarious.

TOC, so far you have the moral high ground. Remember how the best revenge is living well? Upon finding out you immediately found resources, called in friends (like, Lawyer offers free? You are obviously a good, valued friend), and then started talking about it here.

Oh, then you dithered about where to take an extended vacation.

And then you moved out in essentially 24 hours and found an excellent 'cottage'. With your beloved Dog.

Just after doing excellent work for the company that employs you.

You, TOC, you have it together. You are living well, the best revenge.

What did she do? Well, she either walked dogs or took unpaid time off. Probably not time off to check out her retirement plan, you know?

TOC, you are an achiever. You have achieved. One good thing about good achievers is that they don't step on the little guys. Revenge often feels really, really good -but- it can diminish us.

I'm not arguing no consequences. What I am suggesting is that you don't lash out in anger. Yes, you could destroy her business. If you merely tell people that your H cheated with her that might very well have the same effect while just being truthful. And, it may not. No telling. You might want to google up the stress-relieving breathing exercises associated with "mindfulness" and being "in the moment". ( No, still not the Billie Piper "The Moment". )

The thing is, people who make a habit of making bad decisions have a habit of screwing up their own lives, all by themselves, as a result of their bad decisions.

This woman doesn't sound like she's good friend material for anyone, really. She lacks empathy, she's selfish, and the list goes on. That's what it takes to make a conscious decision to cheat. Sure, she's reworked it in her own head so that she's not doing anything wrong because that's what people do, justify and rationalize, and so now she lacks self-awareness, too.

In an odd way, she's actually done you a favor. She's shown you who your H really is, how he really acts, what his values are. They're incompatible with yours. He's the one who has really done you harm because, if he were the man he presented, she could strip naked in front of him and he'd give her a covering and ask if she was okay.

You, TOC, you get to go on and have a great life. Mourn, grieve, the death (actually the never-existence) of the man that you thought that you were married to. Then put them both out of your life and mind because they have no right, not any more, to be a part of your life.

Anyway, think about it. Don't lash out in anger, you can do so much by just being truthful.

And on your next wonderful vacation don't give either of them a passing thought.

[This message edited by devotedman at 8:24 AM, October 5th, 2016 (Wednesday)]

It seems to me that many, maybe most, WSs don't "get it" right away. I think there are stories about the BS sticking it out for months and even a year or two before WS "got it" and R could actually begin. Coming from that angle I'm a little disappointed about the cheering section to end it after such a short time.

TOC, you've filed for D. Good. That process takes a while even where adultery speeds up the process. Even with that you don't have to finalize as soon as it's allowed. Of course, that only matters if there is a remotest possibility in your mind that you might want to R. From my perspective, I wanted (maybe needed) to know that I put the effort and time in - I tried.

Nonetheless, as I stated in my previous post on this thread, if this was a drop dead absolute deal breaker then all that doesn't matter. It was well stated and understood fully by both. Then continue as you are. Stay to the high road. Keep your integrity. I just would like you to not question too much (I think you will some) if you moved too fast.

I wish you clarity of thought and strength. It is your decision and your alone. Take care of yourself.

In an odd way, she's actually done you a favor.

I respectfully disagree. Her part in the destruction of TOC's M was in no way a favor to her.

She's shown you who your H really is, how he really acts, what his values are.

Her WH showed her who he really is. If it were not the OW, it would have been someone else - hell, there could have already been someone else. OW was "there" - and made it easier for him.

He's the one who has really done you harm

Completely agree. But so did OW, and while I would not expect TOC to go nuclear on her, I think she has every right to express herself. Who cares if the OW knows that she's upset? She should know this. Will she care? Probably not. But of course this is totally up to TOC, and she is dealing with other shit right now.

I've been burying my disgust and anger with her.

Don't bury those feelings, TOC. If you don't want to personally address OW, write it out here. Granted, she did not make vows to you, but she is culpable.

I'm appalled at how stupid she could be.

Stupid, heartless and evil...and yes, it is very appalling.

The damage that I could do to her business? How foolish of her!

Indeed. I only caution you to be careful if you go this route for legal reasons. Although, if it's the truth, it's not slander.

I totally get that the wayward spouse is responsible for the A and that WS made vows to the BS...but dammit, why should the AP ride off into the sunset with no words from the BS? Just my humble opinion, of course...but in my situation (double betrayal), I got my say, I can honestly say that xOW really didn't care how I felt, but I got to her in other ways.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 10:36 AM, October 5th (Wednesday)]

I so want to say something to her but I have no idea how, why, what, when, where or what to say. I've been burying my disgust and anger with her.

The disgust and anger are appropriate. They are one of the faces of your pain.

From DM:

The thing is, people who make a habit of making bad decisions have a habit of screwing up their own lives, all by themselves, as a result of their bad decisions.

Another name for this is karma...the beauty is that it is self inflicted. You don't have to do a thing.

wordsofwisdom:

TOC, when I was in your shoes heading for D, my therapist suggested me "half-year break": he temporarily banned my contacts with both WS and OP, suggested to minimize any talks about D with my friends and family, and encouraged me to move away to a different country. Because at that point I was about to get stuck in my thoughts of frustration and revenge, or forgiveness despite disgust. Because at that point these contacts and talks caused nothing but destruction and unhealthy satisfaction at best.

I have seriously been thinking about this, too. I have the potential to request a transfer out of country for the company I work for. When this all came to light and I was actually working out of the country, I thought of doing this and I'm still thinking about it. I would want to do it for the experience and not because I needed to get myself out of a potentially bad situation I might cause though. I'm pretty sure I have a lot of restraint, have no desire to really do anyone harm but that doesn't mean I don't imagine bad things happening to WH and OW.

Anyway, the time could be very good for me...nothing to tie me down. I'm sure my children would love to come and spend time with me if I lived abroad and I have colleagues abroad I know very well already that I know I could integrate well. But your comment brought it to the forefront again so I plan to give it more thought and discuss with my employer.

Lala -I like your idea of writing out what I would want to say to OW. Maybe write her a letter I would never send but publish it here. More than anything, I would want her to know how damaging her actions could have been for her had she been dealing with a vindictive wife. I don't want her to feel bad for me! I plan to live well and show WH and OW that way but she has a daughter to take care of. How stupid to risk her livelihood in this way! Anyway, I'll think on it and if I can come up with a good letter, I'll post it here.

WH is now starting to act pissy with me. He called and asked if we could see a therapist together. I told him there was nothing wrong with me so I didn't need to but he probably should see one since he can't seem to align his actions with the person he thinks he is -- like a faithful, loving husband who would never cheat. He says I'm being mean and heartless. I told him I learned from the best...HIM. Can you believe that gall of him?! I'd cry if that wasn't so damn funny!

He says I'm treating it like a game instead of our marriage falling apart all around us -- what with my skittles play (yes, he did have to fish them out of the toilet! SCORE! One bag was opened so the toilet bowl was stained from the candy dye and he actually had to clean it himself! Double Score!!!!), the (hilarious) email address I created just for him and my text back to him yesterday. I told him in this GAME he thinks I'm playing, he's the only one who's had any fun since he got to fuck around for months - so he could go FUCK himself if he thinks I think this shitty situation he put us in is in anyway a game to me.

He asked if I could ever forgive him and I told him the truth. NO. Why should I? He can't even explain why he did it but he wants to know if I can forgive him? WTF? Then I told him that so far our visit and his texts and call did nothing but cause me more grief so I was going no contact again and hung up. Then I blocked him again.

Fuck him.

TOC, that's brilliant! Seriously, well done.

FTG!

So glad you realised that contact with him was upsetting you and blocked him.

His continued jabs at you show that he has no idea about how much pain he has cause you.

Perfect responses though TOC.

OMG TOC! You are so inspiring!

I know you are in pain, but you are so strong!

instead of our marriage falling apart all around us

correction STBX Mr.TOC: *YOU* singlehandedly destroyed the marriage.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 5:47 PM, October 5th (Wednesday)]

seriously, you are one brave woman. i've directed many people to this thread.

TOC, any chance you could be my life coach? The amount of pain that I am in is preventing me from moving in any direction. I need your strength, wisdom and confidence.

TOC = Legend.

He says I'm being mean and heartless

.

OMG. There it is, the most perfect example of what so many posts here have described: this guy believes he is totally entitled.

But TOC, again, you have handled yourself brilliantly. And you continue to be an incredible role model in the ways of honoring oneself, facing the pain, yet totally ruling the situation. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever (virtually) met.

Has he been diagnosed as a narcissist? The nerve to try and act like you're not trying to put your messy marriage back together is appalling to me. Your marriage falling apart is a direct result, 100%, of choices HE made. Where would things be had you not seen the text? You still oblivious? His supposed remorse came AFTER he got caught, AFTER he tried to cover up his schemes. And he has the nerve to question your character? I love Jesus too, like someone else said earlier, but fuck him and the high horse he rode in on! For him to act like you owe him something reveals there is no true remorse.

Stay strong and stay your course.

Lala -I like your idea of writing out what I would want to say to OW. Maybe write her a letter I would never send but publish it here. More than anything, I would want her to know how damaging her actions could have been for her had she been dealing with a vindictive wife. I don't want her to feel bad for me! I plan to live well and show WH and OW that way but she has a daughter to take care of. How stupid to risk her livelihood in this way! Anyway, I'll think on it and if I can come up with a good letter, I'll post it here.

Whenever you're ready...we're all virtual "ears"

WH is now starting to act pissy with me.

I'm not surprised. He's going to vacillate from sweet to pissy - he has his head lodged so far up his ass he can see his black, ugly heart and nothing else. It's all about him, TOC; didn't you know that? I mean come ON...why can't you forgive him for destroying your trust and your life? You're SO MEAN! Wonder if he'll tell his mommy on you?

You continue to handle this with dignity and grace (and a few jabs that are friggin awesome!)...but...is there a way that you can just be NC with him completely (except for things to do with the kids) - everything else can be handled through your attorney. I know every time you talk/text with him, it hurts. NC = no new hurts.

Hugs!

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:53 AM, October 6th (Thursday)]

Stick to NC. Hugs.

TOC

You are my hero.

Rock on !!!

Thank you for being your awesome self.

(((hugs)))

Your story is so sad and yet so inspiring; reading your posts makes me feel like I'm watching a phoenix rise from the ashes.

Every step you've taken since D-Day has been a homerun. IMO that email address you created for WH to communicate with you was not high-schoolish or immature, rather it was a profound recognition of the of the terrible damage the now infamous text wreaked upon your marriage. You put the central problem right there in his face and instead of contritely owning it he punted it back and criticized you in the process.

WH could not have sent a more damaging message to you if he was trying to obliterate your marriage.

That text will be forever embedded in your soul and the biggest challenge I see to R is how can you ever be physically intimate with WH again and not think about it and this whole sordid affair. I'd like for him to tell you how that could ever be possible. Any counselor or therapist who could train you to purge that thought from your mind during intimacy with HW would indeed be a miracle worker.

I think you should keep him blocked from your cell and tell him its that email or no communication means at all....he can take it or leave it.....many may disagree with this suggestion and maybe I am wrong to suggest it but I believe those few damaging words are THE problem and WH needs to see that over and over again.

Beyond your earlier decisive actions your responses to his latest salvos are simply magnificent. I think he's starting to realize what a force you are to be reckoned with.

I hope you can get away for awhile for some respite, some work at an overseas location could be just what you need.

Wish you the very best and I know you'll get through this stronger than ever.

I agree with everything hds366 said.

That text will be forever embedded in your soul and the biggest challenge I see to R is how can you ever be physically intimate with WH again and not think about it and this whole sordid affair. I'd like for him to tell you how that could ever be possible.

On Dday, my WH told me that "sex with OW was the best sex he ever had."

Since then he has said that he didn't mean it, but it has GREATLY interfered with intimacy for me. Every single time we are intimate, I think about it, & we are 5 1/2 years post Dday.

that email address you created for WH to communicate with you was not high-schoolish or immature, rather it was a profound recognition of the of the terrible damage the now infamous text wreaked upon your marriage. You put the central problem right there in his face and instead of contritely owning it he punted it back and criticized you in the process.

Yep, with that text, he blew up an atomic bomb in your marriage.