SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Move along, nothing to see here as TOC continues to hit it out of the park. Every move that he makes is a calculated move to get the upper hand and get control of this situation. Each move is successfully countered by you and leads to another attempt by some other means. He thinks that he just hasn't hit on the right technique yet to regain control. He thinks it's just a matter of time. He appears to be wrong.

Strength friend.

I would guess that he *thinks* he is pretty slick, and he *thinks* he is entitled to stay in the marriage.

Each move is successfully countered by you and leads to another attempt by some other means. He thinks that he just hasn't hit on the right technique yet to regain control. He thinks it's just a matter of time.

He is so overmatched intellectually and by any measure of emotional intelligence. Heck, he calls the consequences of his actions a Game on the part of TOC.

I say his video screen should now be displaying "Game Over Dude".

As a BS myself, ofcourse I have been inspired by TOC's handling of the situation on REALTIME, rather than constant afterthoughts like many of us have. But, I believe her situation, heartbreaking as it was and probably still is, was somewhat different than that of many of us here including me

A few thoughts I had reading this thread

1. I believe the fact that this was not your first divorce, made the separation a bit "familiar", contrary to most here whose first and only marriage falls apart

2. Your WH – he is the one you chose over all men in the world. The fact you are highly intelligent screams from your thread….how did you make such a mistake choosing him? You never described his personality throughout the years you two had been together. Was he a good, loving caring husband along these years?

3. Children – the MAIN fact I have been staying with my WS, is the benefit of the children. I believe the fact yours are grown up, and from your first marriage, made things easier. I wish I did not have this crucial fact, when I was struggling with my shattered heart, trying to plan my moves

4. Eventually I did not do much, and the event was mopped under the rug. So now we don’t talk about it, we did not R, we are slowly drifting in the murky river of our married life, bumping occasionally into small rocks, waiting to arrive together to the great waterfall that we can hear in the distance.

5. It seems TOC had no one to "give a shit about" – no parents (as children's' grandparents) that tried to persuade her to re-consider. No girlfriends that were against "ruining a family".

6. Money was never a problem. TOC seems to have an above-average income. Splitting the assets was unusually easy. Booking a long vacation wasn’t a wallet crushing experience. Many of us look at a separation also as an economic challenge.

Those were just a few thoughts that passed through my mind reading this interesting thread. I was just thinking to myself if I, personally, could have acted as she did. Probably not….it takes a special kind of a person to be able to cut their lives to two, like this.

I so wish I had her determination….

[This message edited by shouse at 12:56 AM, October 7th (Friday)]

First of all, I appreciate you candor and bravery. Secondly, you know most in your position do not possess such bravery and the resources that you avail yourself to be so easily "out." Your story, as presented, is inspiring. It is not, however the circumstance that the average person finds to be true. If I had no financial or work decisions to make, it would be simple. I would cut that cheater like a cancer. I'm glad you have that convenience available to you. And yet, if that was easy for you, you would not be seeking validation. This is not an easy circumstance in which to find oneself. It surely sucks. Acknowledge it. Be real, You have to get through it before you can get over it.

[This message edited by Demanda at 2:56 AM, October 7th (Friday)]

So if it is that simple, why are you here? Because you are sad and hurt and wounded like the rest of us? Or do you need validation? Which is super okay. Just wondering why you require this when you're so super okay and moving on so splendidly...

I'm just moving from anger to acceptance. Not a happy place. I will apologize in advance. I do understand some people are purely logical. I do not understand people with so little emotion and the inability to truly feel pain. Just like the cheaters. No feelings for what really happened- just logic. Best of luck.

Demanda.... you are in a lot of pain and anger because you have been dealing with your situation for over 8 years....and you are so out of line with your comments judging a person you don't understand.

TOC is dealing with the explosion of her marriage, her circumstances, with wisdom, with strength and a very broken heart.

Demanda I wish you a little bit of the the courage and strength that TOC possesses.

TOC you are brave and strong and a beacon for many who are trying to cope with infidelity.

@TOC

It's always great to hear your updates. I may get flamed for this but I'm going to be a voice of dissent. I've been on your side from the beginning and I will continue to be. I have so much respect for the way in which you've handled yourself and the situation. It is difficult to think in a clear-headed manner when one's world is falling down about one's ears. You've been splendid.

However, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm a bit disappointed in some of the latest responses, from you and from others. There's no question that you have the moral high ground. I'd say that you should use it. The OW is inconsequential and does not fit into your zen world. Write that letter to the OW and do send it. But don't fill it with bile and vitriol. Tell her exactly what you told us about the effect on her business and her daughter but with the eloquence I know you have. I doubt it will have much effect but it is the ultimate insult...the woman you betrayed telling you how you've made a mistake for your own sake, not for hers.

Don't turn mean and nasty . I cheered when I read about the skittles in the toilet and the email address. You've had your fun and it has been so well-deserved. In fact, your WH deserves much worse but don't demean yourself by doing purposefully cruel things. He completely deserves the divorce and for you to stay NC if that's what you want. But please don't respond, only to insult him further. Not because he deserves better but because YOU are better than that.

*hugs* and don't hate me :)

So if it is that simple, why are you here? Because you are sad and hurt and wounded like the rest of us? Or do you need validation? Which is super okay. Just wondering why you require this when you're so super okay and moving on so splendidly...

Can we please stop making statements like this??? Quite honestly, it's none of our business why TOC is here. I assume she is trying to SURVIVE INFIDELITY like the rest of us. Just because she seems to have her shit together and acts decisively doesn't mean she isn't feeling the same pain as the rest of us.

People come here for SUPPORT. If you're jealous of how someone is handling their situation, rather than post some snarky shit on their thread, maybe you need to spend some time looking at WHY it upsets you so much that you feel the need to try to shame someone and run them off.

Come on, people.

we're all proud of TOC for being brave and handling this with aplomb. however, we all do know her heart is also broken. that will be the hard thing to recover from

TOC- I'm so sorry you are going through this. yes, you have been brave and done well, but I know you still hurt, and hurt badly. please take good care of yourself.

@Demanda

I'm sorry you are hurting so much and I hope you feel some measure of peace soon. This is a horrible place to be in. However, this is downright insulting to TOC:

>> I do not understand people with so little emotion and the inability to truly feel pain. Just like the cheaters.

Just like YOUR cheater perhaps. But not all cheaters are devoid of emotion and that fact does not make them any more remorseful. I've read about plenty who are in tears, are apparently "feeling the pain" + loudly demonstrating that and yet they have no intention of actually staying faithful. Also, I know that you didn't mean it but you inadvertently likened TOC to a cheater.

To confuse lack of outward emotion, quick, decisive action and logical thinking with lack of pain is misguided at best. I can understand if you weren't able to but if you had read TOC's entire thread, you'd see that she is in massive amounts of pain. The fact that this is her second rodeo or the fact that her children are grown doesn't diminish the anguish. It simply puts her in a better position to act decisively and she's taken advantage of that opportunity.

Best of luck to you!

I'd like to add....

So what if this isn't her first marriage? How on Earth does that make her pain any less than yours? How dare anyone act as if your pain is so much worse than hers.

Well....yeah for those who have only been married once. Some of us were young,and made stupid choices.

This isn't my first marriage. But I was gutted on dday. My soul was shattered. I wanted to die.

Oh....And I had children with my exhusband, as well as my first husband....if that even matters.

People are here for support...not judgement. Try to remember that.

Some people just know this is a dealbreaker immediately. It doesn't mean they're not in pain.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard but you are so strong and it definitely gets so much better!! I've come out the other side happier than I've been in years.

NC was the trick for me. I went NC with my ex 4 months after I caught him ho-ing around with more than 20 different street prostitutes. I moved in with my sister and only dealt with the legal issues of the divorce when communicating with him via e-mail. He would text me and leave me voicemail messages wanting to be friends, missing me, etc.

Only once did I think of responding.

Him: Why don't you answer me? Why do you keep ignoring me? You could at least tell me to go F*** myself!!!!

What I wanted to respond: "You already F'd yourself."

Silence from me though. NC for almost 2 years!

A funny little story that happened a week ago:

I used to track ex with a GPS that I put under his car. It was attached (with magnets) under the car near the passenger side door. He would stalk me so I wanted to know where he was. After the divorce was finalized, I was going to take the GPS off the bottom of his car but I decided not to. Not to track him, the battery died over a year ago, but for humor's sake. I figured, one day, he will find it and will completely freak out.

An even better outcome happened. My brother-in-law (who I used to live with and who knows the entire story and all of the pain I went through) ran into my ex in a grocery store. They hadn't seen each other in years. My ex said hello. My BIL, not saying hello, asked, "Is that tracking device still under your car?" Ex panicked and bolted out of the store!!!

shouse:

1. I believe the fact that this was not your first divorce, made the separation a bit "familiar", contrary to most here whose first and only marriage falls apart

2. Your WH – he is the one you chose over all men in the world. The fact you are highly intelligent screams from your thread….how did you make such a mistake choosing him? You never described his personality throughout the years you two had been together. Was he a good, loving caring husband along these years?

3. Children – the MAIN fact I have been staying with my WS, is the benefit of the children. I believe the fact yours are grown up, and from your first marriage, made things easier. I wish I did not have this crucial fact, when I was struggling with my shattered heart, trying to plan my moves

4. Eventually I did not do much, and the event was mopped under the rug. So now we don’t talk about it, we did not R, we are slowly drifting in the murky river of our married life, bumping occasionally into small rocks, waiting to arrive together to the great waterfall that we can hear in the distance.

5. It seems TOC had no one to "give a shit about" – no parents (as children's' grandparents) that tried to persuade her to re-consider. No girlfriends that were against "ruining a family".

6. Money was never a problem. TOC seems to have an above-average income. Splitting the assets was unusually easy. Booking a long vacation wasn’t a wallet crushing experience. Many of us look at a separation also as an economic challenge.

Yes, yes, and yes to most of what you say here, all things I have pointed out in earlier posts, too. I do realize my situation is quite different from others who come here seeking advice. I also have the benefit (gawd, never thought while going through it I would see it as that one day) of one failed marriage with an ugly divorce with kids under my belt.

While it is not you, shouse, who has questioned why I am here (and provided another blow to the gut) I am just going to, once again, stand up for myself and say...

It is me who picked myself up from the destruction of my last marriage and put my broken self back together, and then tried to make sure I was never put in that position again. A position where I felt I had no options. A position where I was financially dependent on someone else. A position where what that person thought of me was more important than what I thought of myself. What was the point of it all if not to learn at least that from the big huge mess we (me and my XH) made of our marriage?

And yet NONE of that, none of the work I did on myself, for myself and for my children, none of that kept me safe from having my heart broken again.

I came here seeking advice as I was alone, halfway across the globe with no support, because that's what the forum said it was for. "Please come and share...you are safe here."

As for your second question: 2. Your WH – he is the one you chose over all men in the world. The fact you are highly intelligent screams from your thread….how did you make such a mistake choosing him? You never described his personality throughout the years you two had been together. Was he a good, loving caring husband along these years?

Exactly! How did I make such a mistake choosing him? If I knew the answer to that I'd create a vaccine for it. And I did describe him as the best possible companion I could have imagined. He is all the things you describe and I love/loved him deeply - I was and probably still am so in love with him but right now, I am so angry with him I don't even know how I feel.

I didn't understand that being in my position meant I was supposed to be immune to the hurt and confusion that comes from the ultimate betrayal.

I now get to adjust to being a woman in my mid-50's - alone. Yay me.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 6:52 PM, October 7th (Friday)]

UglyBetty, I'm with you 100% on the OW tactic. It was suggested I write her a letter and say all the things that are screaming in my head but share it here. I would never actually send it. I will not be exacting any revenge on her. There is not another BS to worry about so I don't need to reveal the A to anyone else.

I plan to stay on the high road but you still might see a foul-mouthed FU letter to OW from me. I can't quite get my mind to quiet down over her and it really bugs me. One problem is that I am not busy enough right now but will back to work soon so hopefully I get this under control.

TOC, I am so sorry you had to defend yourself on this forum. We come here for support and guidance and we should all feel safe. It is unfortunate that some feel the need to minimize your pain and the struggle to move forward and to heal.

Your strength and grace have been inspiring to witness over these last few weeks. Please continue to share your journey, many of us if not most appreciate your ability to deal with the trauma that changed the course of your life.

What Shockedmom said.

Make no apologies for being a strong independent woman that can afford to walk away from a man who betrayed you. Everyone should teach their daughters to be able to stand on their own 2 feet in adulthood so they never have to put up with shit like this.

I support you being here. The pain is pain. Picking a partner is about love and trust. There were no red flags. Marriage or any relationship is totally about trusting the other person to be their honest true self.

This is just found out. People from allnwalks of life are here. It is a place of pain. Sometimes acting in a manner such as you did TOC, is about taking action and dealing with the pain later. I have read you being distraught. Hugs