SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The only downside that I can see happening is that she now knows that your wh is available

Actually, whether he ever was available or not seems to be of no significance to this OW troll. So, no downside :)

You know, if I were you I think I'd feel compelled to leave a review on Yelp. Her job involves trust and someone who would sleep with a clients husband in their home isn't very trustworthy. I certainly wouldn't want her in my home, caring for my pets.

I know it's not a popular sentiment on SI (and often for very good reasons) but I completely agree with CheaterMagnet. Her other clients or future clients deserve to know that she is a risk. She has no problem stealing a husband surely she's a risk of stealing jewelry, money, identity etc... Goodness knows what she does in other people's homes. She could be trying on their underwear 😂!

This is one where you can't listen to the reason from others though. If it doesn't feel right to you then don't do it. And if you decide to do it talk to your friend who's a lawyer first.

I'm sure Candy can find other means to support her daughter.

Ditto the Yelp review.

k9

Her response? She blocked me.

I'd expect no less. Perhaps more, but no less.

It's a dichotomy. What we want to do, what we should do, what we can accomplish.

I would also feel bad if her behavior had an effect on her daughter, but that's the downside of being a shitty person. People around selfish individuals usually suffer quite a bit.

I also know I wouldn't want a woman like that to have free range in my home, with my kids, pets or husband. I would be furious that I basically paid her to sleep with my husband.

I've heard some women describe men as dogs for years, but she took that a bit too literal!

You are a strong woman. You're light years ahead of where I was at a month out, or now. Your brain is going to get stuck on lots of aspects of what's happened to you, including the OW. The OW(plural) in my case still occupy a lot of head space and I'm 10 months out. I did send OW#1 a Facebook message that told her the same thing about her daughter. That she waltzed into my life with an invitation by dysfunctional, lying WH, but that my children didn't deserve that and neither did her daughter. I told her to get counseling so she doesn't put her daughter through what she was so willing to put my sons through.

Selfishness doesn't care.

Good luck!

[This message edited by SadMom75 at 12:17 PM, October 10th (Monday)]

TOC, your message to her was perfect. I wouldn't worry about what a bad review might do to her business/daughter, Candy didn't think twice about her client before sleeping with her clients husband...so I say like the other posters ~ let the chips fall where they may~

So yesterday I went back to work. I should have prepared myself better for what to tell colleagues because of course everyone asked me how my vacation was. Ugh. The only thing I could think of out of the gate was, "not what I expected."

And then my darling (sarcasm) WH sent me a big floral arrangement. Huge, in fact. Ridiculous!

The comments I got on that?:

"Is it your anniversary?" NO

"Ahhhh. The sweetest men send flowers for no reason at all." Sigh....

"Someone must have made someone very happy to get such a lovely bouquet of flowers." Uh, not at all.

And the best comment of all?

"Someone must have been a bad boy and is trying to apologize." Exactly! Sadly, this comment sent me to the bathroom to hide tears.

How do I make him stop? He's not exactly harassing me but why can't he just let me be? Give me space? No one at the office knows of my situation yet so his gesture has really caused me to struggle with my emotions at work, exactly what I don't want to do. It seems like one more selfish gesture on his part to make himself feel better. He has had no reply from me and won't get one either.

Yes. Stay no contact.

No contact = no new hurt.

Flowers can't even begin to stop the pain in your heart or take the knife out of your back.

Stay strong TOC. I'm pulling for you.

Here's what we say to do in relationships. I recommend it with your work ones.

Open, Authentic, Trustworthy, Honest (OATH) communication. Makes you a bit vulnerable, but you have nothing to hide. You have done nothing wrong. Do not let him control you, your emotions, or anything else.

Don't say anything beyond, "I'm getting divorced." Talk with HR about blocking his number from your phone via the PBX. Tell the Secretary/Receptionist/Guard not to accept further flowers to you. In fact, you might call florists and tell them to tell anyone sending you flowers that they will instead be sent to a random Senior Care facility in his name.

Don't tell them all of the details if you don't want to, but do divulge the divorce and enlist help in avoiding manipulation.

TOC, you've been brilliant so far. Don't let him gain control of any part of you now.

devotedman, thank you for being the voice of reason in my head! I didn't even think of the actions you mentioned. I'll let my boss know tomorrow and then speak with HR. Luckily he didn't try to email me at work but he probably will at some point so I'll ask for IT's help to block him.

I definitely know I didn't do anything wrong but it still sucks to have to tell people about something like a divorce. I hate the pitiful looks more than anything.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 10:54 PM, October 11th (Tuesday)]

How do I make him stop?

Turn,

Time to have your attorney send him a letter that he is not to contact you by any means, go to your workplace, etc..

It's best to do this now instead of experiencing anxiety over whether his attempts will escalate.

The letter and your past email about NC will form the basis for a more formal action if this situation goes sideways.

Call on the "Level Headed TOC" and take steps to forestall future contact. Arrange a safe change of address for your mail that won't provide bread crumbs to your actual location. Ensure your location can't be tracked through your phone. You may want to have a conversation with your managers so that his calls through the company land lines will not be transferred to you. Block social media.

Just suggestions to provide you space and peace of mind.

Great advice already given so i know you have a solid plan going forward with work. Just wanted to offer hugs and support. Keeping yourself upright after the shock of flowers designed to cause a stir in the office showed exceptional strength. Hoping the next few days are distraction free and you are able to focus on work while you heal.

(((TOC)))

As if an embarrassing large bunch of flowers would fix the fact that your WH is a liar and a cheater! You have been given lots of good ideas for getting yourself some space. I especially love the idea of a seniors home getting his flowers or the local hospital. Well done on maintaIning no contact.

He has an email address he can reach you on if he actually wanted to communicate and show remorse although since you asked for space he really should be respecting your wishes.

So block him at work, get off social media and make sure you can't be traced to your new place. Get a Po box if you can for mail or use one of your children's or friends addresses for now.

TOC

I got the flowers and gifts constantly. Although we are in R I still hated them as it did it while he was cheating as well.

You can set a rule on your email that will send anything from him to the trash.

IT can block his number and the receptionist can divert any flower attempt or my personal favorite would be to call flower shop and tell them they delivered to the wrong address have them pick them back up and send them back to him. He will get tired of sending himself flowers!!!

Honestly I would try to keep the least amount of your personal life known at work. This all can be done without going to HR or your boss. I personally wouldn't want my boss to know because I wouldn't want to be treated or looked at differently by my superiors.

When its all said and done you can let them know you are divorced.

Hi Everyone - I love SI so much. I woke up super early and read and re-read the replies from just yesterday. Spiderwebb kind of hit the nail on the head and I tend to keep my personal life personal at work. I know I did nothing wrong and I know taking the OATH (brilliant, devotedman) makes sense but I think this week I will just get through it by telling IT to help me block him, calling the florist to say NO more flowers due to harassment and I will let my boss know. I trust her very much and it will allow me to discuss the idea of a work transfer at the same time. I don't want or need the whole office to know. I really just don't want the pity stares and talking behind my back. I work with some of those kind of people. Many mean well but not all.

Hardyrose - I did already go the PO box route because I am in very temporary housing right now but your info just goes to show how very helpful everyone is here. I am still so amazed. And your idea for the flowers? So brilliant! I was actually dreading walking into my office today because they are still there. I mean these flowers are so huge they look like they are meant for a funeral or a wedding - how appropriate, right? I googled care facilities and senior residences near my office and there is literally a hospice facility two blocks away. I had no idea. I will take them there this morning.

I am now worried WH will follow me from work. Today I will call my lawyer and ask her to send him a letter to stay away - no flowers, no calls, no trying to contact me at work, nothing. If he needs to communicate, he must go through her. I want to make it clear I do not fear for my safety at all. I am certain he would not hurt me. I just don't want to see him or deal with him.

Over this past month I have come to see him as a complete stranger. He had me so fooled and I really thought we were so happy. Life was so easy. Now I look back and think about every time he wasn't with me. Those times he so willing took the dogs to the dog park. Had to pop out to the drugstore. Was gonna pick up some groceries on way home from work even when we didn't need to. Home Depot to "just look at stuff for ideas." Gonna go to the RV storage and work on the boat or the RV. Meeting work buddies for a drink and to watch the game after work. Everything is in question. I am 100% certain that when he sent the wrong text to me, no doubt he was on his way to her for a quickie - "he couldn't wait to be insider her again. xox" Remember? Who says that? When do they say it? When they are on their way to get some. This kills. I mean I was leaving the next day! They couldn't wait less than 24 hours when he was in the free and clear? The only satisfaction I get is knowing that in all likelihood when he realized he sent that to me, it killed his erection and he then stood her up because he came back home less than 30 minutes later. This is the story I have made up in mind because he planted it there.

I have gone through and read many other situations here, The stories where people want to believe everything their WS tells them because they want it to work out so bad are hard for me. I want to scream - "RUN!!!!! They are all liars and cheats." Then I read the stories where the honor really is in staying and working it out and getting to a better relationship through an authentic R. These are the hardest for me. Reading these I feel like I am cutting and running without trying and that my entire marriage was a sham and I am unable to really be totally committed. I feel weak and cold. I feel like a quitter. I feel like I am missing a commitment gene or something.

So after much tossing and turning, I am going to book some time with an IC. My heart is now very much following my head and I am 99.99% sure I am following through on divorce. It's true. I don't want to invest so much time in a possible R that has no guarantee of sticking. I can't imagine going through the excruciating work of R with someone who would lie and cheat for no reason. If he's the prize at the end of the all that work, right now I say no thanks. Let's be honest, I am not stuck. I have choices. I want to be clear - I honestly and truly loved my husband with all my heart. I was completely devoted to him. I loved him immensely. I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with him. I will never get over the fact it was so easy for him to dishonor me and our commitment. I can't see myself "understanding and seeing how we can have an even better marriage if we can work through all the issues." What issues? There were none. To me, it means I have to extend understanding to him. Understanding he denied me. I just can't see myself doing that.

So this is where I am today. I want IC to somehow validate that I am not a bad person for not wanting to do the work. Someone on this forum wrote some very powerful words about those staying and working on it as being the honorable ones while those who run are somewhat cowardly. I want to negate that thought which is on repeat in my head right now. That hurts. I am not a loser. I am not a quitter. I am not a coward.

Oh TOC - You have such courage. I stayed, am 6+ years past DD and sometimes I feel like the coward for staying! You are moving on with integrity and so many of us admire you for that. Stay the course. I do think IC is invaluable in helping us BS. Sending lots of good wishes your way!

A boundary is not for the other person in reality.

A boundary is to say this is a rule I make in advance to "stay true to myself".

You did not cut and run. You each made a boundry with each other. He had no honor and thought you would not respect yourself.

He showed his self when he said stated he thought that no cheating was to protect him. He is a selfish person, who continues to act in a very selfish manner.

His continued attempts at contact show he still is not respectful.

The message I would have my lawyer send is this:

You have hurt me deeply. You continue to hurt me through contacting me. I need to honor my boundaries and move forward in "MY" healing. I am the trauma patient here not you. Do not call, text, send me gifts or show up. These actions hurt me more. Cease all contact except through my lawyer.

I know most people would not say it like that, however I would. My fwh needed to be reminded that he wasnt the victim I was.it made him face my pain. He didnt get it forever. I did not have your circumstances or i would have left him. If I ever had to wish to experience infidelity, I would wish for your strength to "honor yourself".

Just because we did reconciled, not mean it is the right thing. It was in our circumstances, it doesnt mean it is in yours.

Continue to get self care and protection.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 10:06 AM, October 12th (Wednesday)]

TOC...not really enough time to reply properly and coherently at the moment but I just read your last post and the gut-wrenching pain in it and I had to respond. You are NOT a quitter. I have also read those posts about the "honour" in staying and I think that's just one, very biased, narrative. The truth is, there is no path that is more "honourable" or that is "easier.

Here is how I see it: in the long term, perhaps staying is the harder path because you really have to face your pain and work through it WITH the one that caused you the pain in the first place. When one divorces, it's easier to run away from it if one wants to. However, I sincerely believe that in the short term divorcing is infinitely more difficult. You have to be a very strong person to make the decision that what you said was a deal breaker actually IS a deal breaker and to walk away, effectively "throwing away" years of investment because it's the right thing to do. In your case, luckily, circumstances also permit it. You have no young children or uncertain finances to hold you back.

So I say once again, resoundingly, YOU ARE NOT WEAK. You continue to demonstrate that strength every day. Please don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. Believe me, sometimes having emotions raging inside you but putting up a cool and calm front to the world is the hardest thing. It's most especially difficult because people seem to feel that if you aren't demonstrating emotion, you aren't feeling it. Don't let yourself be convinced of this either. YOU know the agony you are feeling. Being able to conduct yourself with restraint is a mark of strength, not of lack of emotion.

Having said all of this, I also acknowledge that my viewpoint is also just one, albeit biased, narrative. Hopefully it's one that will help you a bit right now, though . All I'm saying is that you should only consider reconciliation if you truly believe that it's what you want for your happiness and that your husband genuinely deserves a second chance, not because you feel that you are giving up. You are not. HE destroyed the marriage. He only gets a second chance if you feel you will be more miserable without him than with him.

BIG HUGS...

Let's face it, as a BS reconciling and divorcing are both difficult. NOTHING is easy after being betrayed. Everyone has to make their own choice based on their individual situation.

NO ONE IS A COWARD OR WEAK.. We are not the weak ones, our WS are for putting us in this position.

TOC - I admire your convictions. I too am a "strong" woman who hates the fact that I am in this situation and hates feeling pity from others. Be sure to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Sometimes others think we are stronger than we actually are..

(((TOC)))

I have to laugh at the complete and utter bull that you have been fed by someone who has never lived in your head.

Remember that just because someone comforts them self by telling themselves that the difficulty and painful route they decided to take by trying to R makes them some sort of hero, and those that don't try must be cowards. It is completely and utterly foolishness on their part. Many here have chosen the route you have taken and are in my mind heroic for being able to make that decision and follow through. There are those who also show a heroic side by making it through R and improving their relationship. But the main thing to understand is that everyone is different and staying in R or choosing D isn't what makes them heroic. It is that they go through the experience and come out better people. Even a WS can be heroic if they put in the work and become a better person through their experience. Its not the destination its how you handle the journey.

For you the A is a deal breaker. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going with your convictions. You have shown great character throughout this whole situation. Many here would label you as heroic, and have. But its not because you decided to D that you are heroic. Its how you handled the situation, how you stood by your convictions and showed who you are! You decided that you would not put up with this, you know you cannot get past his actions and you took action. Only you understand what you are capable of getting over and what you cannot get over.

So many BSs get stuck, they can't get past their emotions initially, it is very hard when you have your life turned upside down without warning, they struggle for months, even years. They look up to someone who sees the situation for what it is and are able to decide and act, people like spaceghost and you. You are an examples to these people, the ones that struggle with what they thoght was and what is now the truth. Even though you hurt and you struggle, and you are just like them in many ways. But, you in this time of devastation, show strength, you take control, you get yourself out of infidelity!! You take your life back!

People like you are a hero to these people!!!

Looking back it is easy to question, "did I do the right thing?". In your heart you know there was no other choice for you. On here you hear often that you will be offered advice from many different points of view, take the ones you need and disregard the rest. You have found a lot of advice that was helpful to you. Its ok to disregard what isn't helping you.

You will question, you will feel alone at times, and you will hurt for a while. Don't question what was the only answer for you, be proud of who you are, continue with the confidence you have shown. Do what heros do, use the situation to improve yourself!

I personally though you handled this in an amazing way. Be proud of yourself!

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 10:28 AM, October 12th (Wednesday)]