SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TOC I'm right with you. My now ex WGF (together 7.5 years before the A) isn't giving up on me, and though she hasn't explicitly said she wants to get back together in a few months now, I can tell she's still trying to convince me she'd be a good partner and we'd still be a good couple.

From time to time I do wonder whether I made the right decision leaving and I miss what we had so much, but getting back together now that would be gone. That relationship is dead forever and - to me - any new one would be tainted by the shadow of an ugly affair.

One thing I'm wrestling with right now is having to go NC with my XWGF for her own sake, so she doesn't get false hope, and it might be something you need to consider for your WH too once you're satisfied he's on the road to recovery physically.

I told him the hardest stories for me to hear are those where people try to reconcile but always wonder if it would have been better to just walk away. How hard that struggle must be and how much I didn't want that to be me.

This is my first posting after following your story so far and I would just point out that there are many, many successful reconciliations. The difference is the majority have taken what they needed from SI at the time and have simply moved on. I am in touch with quite a number of people who no longer visit this site as the betrayal is no longer influencing their lives. I am just paying back to help others (hopefully) who are struggling since this site was a life saver for me and wish I had found it in those awful early days, weeks and months instead of trying to cope on my own.

As ToL says:

And in the end, you have to live with you. No one else has to live your life so it really doesn't matter who thinks your husband is reconciliation material. You know you better than anyone else. If you don't think you can reconcile, everyone else will just have to take your word for it.

Any time you need me TOC I am here, as is the rest of your SI family.

It doesn't matter if your WH is a good candidate for R. He may not have given you a chance when he invited candy into your marriage but you absolutely have a choice if you want to "give him the gift of R". There is no shame in either choice and it is your choice to make. WH may be all in for R but it will still be a hard road as is divorce. We are all here to support you either way!

TOC,

You don't have to explain your actions to anyone here. You have the right to say "no thanks" and walk away. It doesn't matter if he's sorry or remorseful.

Now back to those creative nicknames.....

Unicorn Fart

Shittles

and one of my personal favourites... cumdumpster.

Moana Leasha is my favorite! I vote for that one 😂!

I do like SkittleTits and Moana Leasha.

Amping up the crude factor and recognizing that she is rabid:

MuzzledTwat (or MuzzleTwat).

He broke my heart.

This can not be undone. And that's the saddest part of all of this. Whether you choose to R or not, I do think that getting a heartfelt apology from your H can help you heal yourself and your heart. It sounds like he does really love you, and when it came to it, he chose you. But it can never undo breaking your heart.

I know that my EX loved me as much as he was capable of loving anyone. And though I never got the kind of heartfelt apology for hurting me that you did, there is some comfort knowing that I really was the love of his life, that I mattered, that I really was loved... It doesn't change the outcome of what's happened. My EX couldn't stop the runaway train of self destruction that he was on, which is incredibly sad for him, but I know that I was loved.

And you are too. Next time, and I have no doubt that there will be a next time for you TOC, you will find the love of someone that deserves you.

PS: Mona Leasha definitely gets my vote!

He broke my heart.

This can not be undone.

I disagree with this. broken hearts can be put back together.

sewardak - but they will never be the same and they will always have cracks in them.

I like to think of it as a new heart.

While I think you doing what is right for you, there's lots of silent readers on these threads, and so for those in a similar situation but more on the fence, I'd advise considering the Dread Pirate Roberts approach (from The Princess Bride). To paraphrase...

"Good night, SBTXH. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely divorce you in the morning."

TOC, I think you're on the right track with D. Look at it this way, you can always get RE-engaged, RE-married, if that's in your cards for the future with your WH. But I agree with you, the R forum is the hardest for me to read.

For me, cheating was, is, always has been, and always will be a DEALBREAKER. In caps! I am one of those people who will never ever ever get over this kind of betrayal. And as you can see, I've been through a few of these rodeos.

Your WH is saying and doing what a lot of busted cheaters do, (my own did this as well, both of them!). And it IS sad. But being sad about an ending isn't enough reason not to end something.

I was as heartbroken as you when each of my relationships ended. But you know what? I met other men, had passion with other men, some of them ended badly as well. Yeah, I got my heartbroken here and there. Some ended well. I'm dating someone right now, a great guy. I've had a lot of new things happen in my life. A lot of great experiences, and I can't believe I even EVER laid in the fetal position and cried over ANY of my WHs. There is life out there. I'll probably get my heart broken a hundred more times before I'm dead, but guess what it won't be by anyone who's already shown me they are willing to break it! If I can help it. But I might also have yet to meet the love of my life, or maybe not even that, who knows what's in store for you or I? I know I'm a catch! And you obviously are as well! Our WHs were lucky to have us, and they stabbed us in the back, with a rusty knife and with an ACCOMPLICE (the ow)!!! I'm like you, I've got too much pride to stick around after that. I would never respect him again, never be proud to be by his side again, never truly trust him, and the mind movies (in my case) never end unless I leave. Anyway, stay the course, you're not 'giving up'. You're being realistic about yourself, you seem to know that this is a dealbreaker for you. That kind of self knowledge is huge in being a BS, I myself kicked around in limbo way too long, being too scared to face what I KNEW about myself: that it is a hands down, hardcore, absolute dealbreaker.

TOC - I have been reading this thread since the beginning. You are a very strong person and have handled this all so well.

You have to do what is right for you. One day your WH may get his act together, that is his journey, not yours.

I believe broken hearts don't ever really heal.

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.

-Ok, Done.

Did it break?

-Yes.

Now say sorry to it.

-Sorry.

Did it go back to the way it was before?

-No

Do you understand?

Moana Leasha is my favorite name

OutoftheDeep- AMEN! We are of the exact same mind. I truly respect and hold in high esteem those who can reconcile and really build an even better relationship than before. What an amazing accomplishment and I can't imagine the high that comes from it.

From what I have read it also seems pretty rare and I'm not so sure I'd be that rare statistic. I feel I'd always hold resentment for my spouse and that's a cross I can't stand to bear.

I, too, vote for Moana Leasha! SkittleTits is fun, too, especially since she has big, fake knockers. Dog walking pays better than I thought. Wonder who's husband bought her those?

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 10:58 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)]

TOC - that is often the most beautiful thing about them. that they have cracks.

listen - my heart is pretty much put back together. i love him with a deeper love than ever. im not saying this is the route you should go. im just saying it can be the case for some people.

she has big, fake knockers. Dog walking pays better than I thought. Wonder who's husband bought her those?

Your case is very similiar to my first WH: my WH also had a catastrophic health issue right after dday. And the ow sounds very simiar to your little miss Circus Peanuts. She was a spoiled brat who fancied herself poetic and tragic but you never saw someone with an easier life and background! Also an employee of ours who had been in our home! I will say though she did not mess with me after my scorched earth confrontation with her, so I got lucky I didn't have her contacting me. And now that I think about it I bet her tits were totally fake too! She was just way to scrawny for those to be natural. Anyway I digress. Not sure if she ever exactly got the karma she deserved. But I know she didn't change and remained the same whiny, spoiled, psuedo-angst ridden, attention whore she alwas was, and that's revenge enough for me! Something tells me little miss circus peanuts is going to end up very similiar-- someday, when you no longer care, you'll run across something about her, like I did the ow, and be like "hmm, isn't that amusing, she didn't change a bit!" and then you'll go on about your day!

From what I have read it also seems pretty rare

No, it's really not.

If a man punches his wife and breaks her jaw - first time offense - is there any amount of remorse that could justify accepting that action?

If my DH physically hurt me - I don't mean a shove - I mean broken bones - I do not think there is anyway on the face of the earth that I could continue on no matter how much remorse he felt over it or how much he promised never to do it again.

And when a spouse has made it crystal clear to their partner as OP did that those actions would be unbearable - for a spouse to carry on an affair and bring the woman in the home - to me is the equivalent of breaking one's jaw with a few broken ribs thrown in.

TOC's husband knew better. He was older. He knew how much this would kill TOC - but he just didn't care. I don't know how one moves on from that.

I gotta agree if TOC'S wh had said an affair is a deal breaker why should TOC give him the gift of R

If it is a deal breaker to her?

The A didn't even end till he got caught with that email that was supposed to be sent to skittlecandywhatever.

He didn't even end it when Bob caught I'm and then asked him if he ended it.

[This message edited by HearMe at 6:27 PM, November 8th (Tuesday)]