Here I am. Away from home (from a home that doesn't yet feel like a home) and he has me up tossing and turning all night because of his letter. Words are flashing off the page at me. Here are some gems from his letter, in no particular order, and my descriptions in bold:
Explaining the birthday card:
"She told me her birthday was coming up and asked if I would celebrate it with her. As it turns out, you were out of town and stupidly I agreed. I'm sorry. Regarding the card she scanned over to you, I remember trying to be very purposeful in writing it so it didn't convey love. I can see how signing it, "Fondly and to many more xoxo" that she might hang on to that. She did want a gift from me but I had established early on that we were not going to have that kind of relationship - gift giving, etc. She was very hurt by that and eventually talked me into buying her a doohickey (not sure what they are called) she wanted for a bracelet she had - it was of a dog, I thought any jewelry was inappropriate. I told her I would only buy any jewelry for you and she got upset with me and convinced me this wasn't actual jewelry since she already had the bracelet. Looking back I see how she talked me into that and I feel like such a sucker. That was wrong and I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you. That was the only gift I ever gave her." (Fucker, I never read it so thank you for that!)
One reason why maybe?
"I know I never told you this because I didn't want to seem whiney and needy but I guess I didn't like how much you traveled but I know how much you like what you do. I would miss you while you were gone and I guess get lonely. I was weak and I see that as a character flaw now. I know it's a terrible thing to say I would miss you but the fact is that it's true. I definitely am not blaming you or your job, I'm just stating the fact. I would rather have you with me."
First date:
"I guess the "first date" (though I didn't know it at the time) was to a movie. It seemed so casual, like just two friends, not a date, at least to me. We were at the dog park when she mentioned a movie she wanted to see. Wanted to know if I wanted to come along. You were in London so I said OK but I did feel those pangs of guilt and knew this probably wasn't the right thing to do. I stupidly did it any way.. It was cinco de mayo and I remember because we went to the theaters with the bar and restaurant. We met there, I did not pick her up. They were having cinco de mayo drink specials so that is why I remember otherwise I wouldn't have a clue when this was. I can't even remember the movie. The movie waiter came by and asked for our order. Well I had eaten already but she hadn't so she ordered something to eat and then ordered margaritas for both of us. When we finished those, we ordered two more and during the movie she began to lean into me. I let my guard down and I didn't pull away when I knew I should have. After the movie, in the parking lot as I walked her to her car, that is when we first kissed. She told me she had wanted to do that for a long time. I was so uncomfortable and now as I look back I kick myself for not stopping it. I was such an idiot. I am such an idiot. I know now a real man would have never been in that situation. You came home the next night and I surprised you and picked you up at the airport. I had made you dinner but you were so tired and we just went to bed. You probably don't remember but I held you all night while you slept. I was feeling terrible for having gone on that "date."
First sex:
"This is so difficult because as I look back now this could have been such a big turning point but I made the wrong choice. The first night there was sex was the day Bob saw us. Up to that point we were only casually kissing and nothing very hot and heavy. She invited me for dinner. I was starting to feel a bit like a teenage boy at this point. It was probably in early June. You could probably find the date or time frame because I remember you were in NY. She was making it very clear she wanted to take things to the next level and I really thought I had things under control. I knew I was in dangerous territory and I let it get away from me. I was so distracted when I saw Bob that I think I convinced myself he probably didn't even see us but it was a big worry. It made it hard to concentrate but instead of telling her I couldn't do it, I kept on with the evening. That is the night we first had sex. She made me dinner. There was wine. I was a weak man and I submitted. I did not stay the night in fact I remember leaving very soon after. I remember she was disappointed I wouldn't stay longer. I'm so ashamed. It's incredibly hard to write this. I will never be sorrier for anything as I am for letting that night happen and violating our vows. I was definitely playing with fire and I knew it. It most definitely wasn't worth it. I feel nothing but sadness and shame. I remember hardly being able to look at you when you came home, I was filled with so much shame. When you did come home, I was so relieved though. You were so loving, it was almost like you comforted me but didn't know it. I am an awful person!"
Longevity:
"We fell into a pattern. She would text and tell me she would be at the dog park at such and such a time. I didn't always meet her there but she knew my schedule, bits and pieces of your schedule, and would tend to text when she knew I would be available. I fell into the habit of meeting her over those lost months. I guess to some degree I did enjoy her company but I always made it clear this was going nowhere and was just casual fun. I never made any bones about that, no matter how pouty she would get. Stupid me was flattered by the attention. I could tell she was getting attached while I was trying to detach. Whenever I tried to detach, she would become sad and pouty. At some level I was very worried she was going to tell you. Whenever I would tell her I wouldn't meet or not text her back, she would get "weird." I can't really explain it but maybe I read more into it because it seemed important to keep her "happy". I guess I was always worried she would tell you so keeping the peace was always best.
She would usually invite me back to her place for a bite to eat or to watch a game. That is where the affair always happened, aside from once on the boat."
Just for my benefit, I guess?
"I never told her I love her. Never. I only ever loved and am in love with you. I made sure she knew that."
The letter goes on and on...the couple times he tried to end it, the fateful text night, when he started to text her again to tell it was really over, she wouldn't be watching the dogs and how she basically went psycho on him. I guess when I was dealing with that text while I was away and found all of you, he was dealing with a nut job on his hands - pissed he stood her up that night and never replied (because he had blocked her), even more pissed when he said it had to be over and she wouldn't be watching the dogs. He tried to placate her. He was super worried she was going to tell me so he calmed her and said he pretended things might go back to normal after vacation but until then he could not communicate with her. He said he just needed to buy time so he could figure out how and when to tell me. He said he had decided he would tell me but he definitely did NOT want to do it on our vacation.
And the rest, as they say, is history...
How appropriate was my thread title from months ago now? I feel once again like I have been punched in the gut. 
[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 4:43 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)]
