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Newest Member: FromOverHere

Just Found Out :
Punch to the Gut

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HardyRose ( member #55069) posted at 12:35 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

TOC is the only person who gets to decide what is right for her. If she wants to try R she can, if her WH's choice to have a 6 month affair with candy even though he knew how traumatic it would be for TOC given her history shows too much disrespect to TOC then she gets to choose to D. She also can choose to D and be "courted again" by her WH. That is her choice.

We are here to support TOC in her decision for what is the best way for her to heal. Sorry rant over.

We are here for you whatever you decide TOC. We are here to make this journey easier for you.

posts: 923   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 7703989
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 5:46 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

(((((HardyRose))))))) You always seems to have my back! Thank you.

For whatever reason, STBXH decided to send me a long email detailing the A. FFS! Can anyone explain to me why he would do this? Did OW break into his email account and send it on his behalf? That bitch is crazy enough!

I feel cold as ice right now. I read it. I feel as if I have shut down completely. Why in the world? He said from what he has been reading and coming to understand about what BSs go through, my mind was probably going crazy wondering about all the details and he wanted to put my mind to rest. He wanted to be honest with me. I'm pretty sure at some point this is going to hit me and I am going to be piiiiiiissssssssseeeeeeddddd. Right now I feel like a shell of myself.

Why in the hell would he do this when I never asked for it? What the hell am I supposed to do with this now?

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7704097
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WhatElseToDo ( member #35233) posted at 7:06 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Sigh.. he must be reading about how to help a spouse heal from infidelity and not realizing they are written in the context of reconciliation. Maybe you should get him some reading material on how to move on... or some IC recommendations.

"Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been"

posts: 252   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Seattle
id 7704111
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TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 7:26 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

You can't make sense out of nonsense. Why does he think at this point it would help, who knows??? Reading the details would not do anything but hurt you and he should have asked if you wanted the details. I know I didn't want to know either. I already knew enough from my conversation with OW when she outed the A. I didn't need the nasty details.

Delete the e-mail or save it in a folder if you might need it later on. Do not reply to him. Block your e-mail from him. You don't need the added mind movies that I am sure the details will evoke.

He probably thought if he showed some honesty, you would come running back with open arms. I am sure that he still left out some of the details, such as what he said to her to keep her as his side piece for months prior to DDay. You can bet that he would still be involved with her if he hadn't of gotten caught. I know when I asked XWH#2 how long he would have continued, he did say he wouldn't have stopped until he was found out but he never thought I would ever find out, so he had no reason to end it. Thinking back now I feel ridiculous for ever attempting R knowing what I knew then. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

You are doing great, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Please block them both from everything and stay NC as much as possible. Once they think they have been nice for something, they expect you to just give in. When you don't they often turn nasty and you don't need to deal with that. (((HUGS)))

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 7704113
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HardyRose ( member #55069) posted at 8:26 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

He has given you a full time line of events. He must have read how to help your spouse heal. It must have been so horrible to read TOC. I am so sorry. (((TOC))) don't be alone tonight, go out and be with a friend.

posts: 923   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 7704122
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sinsof thefather ( member #29295) posted at 9:06 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Yes, I agree, he's either read that book or he's getting advice on reconciliation from somewhere and acting on it. He thinks he's helping but he should have asked you first as you've never said you wanted to R. He's trying to be proactive because it hasn't sunk in for him yet that it's too late for that. I'm sorry that you've been hurt again TOC.

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

posts: 2598   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2010   ·   location: UK
id 7704127
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FellForIt ( new member #54273) posted at 9:22 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Is he a poor loser who always has to have the last word?

posts: 33   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2016   ·   location: North Vancouver
id 7704130
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 10:33 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Here I am. Away from home (from a home that doesn't yet feel like a home) and he has me up tossing and turning all night because of his letter. Words are flashing off the page at me. Here are some gems from his letter, in no particular order, and my descriptions in bold:

Explaining the birthday card:

"She told me her birthday was coming up and asked if I would celebrate it with her. As it turns out, you were out of town and stupidly I agreed. I'm sorry. Regarding the card she scanned over to you, I remember trying to be very purposeful in writing it so it didn't convey love. I can see how signing it, "Fondly and to many more xoxo" that she might hang on to that. She did want a gift from me but I had established early on that we were not going to have that kind of relationship - gift giving, etc. She was very hurt by that and eventually talked me into buying her a doohickey (not sure what they are called) she wanted for a bracelet she had - it was of a dog, I thought any jewelry was inappropriate. I told her I would only buy any jewelry for you and she got upset with me and convinced me this wasn't actual jewelry since she already had the bracelet. Looking back I see how she talked me into that and I feel like such a sucker. That was wrong and I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you. That was the only gift I ever gave her." (Fucker, I never read it so thank you for that!)

One reason why maybe?

"I know I never told you this because I didn't want to seem whiney and needy but I guess I didn't like how much you traveled but I know how much you like what you do. I would miss you while you were gone and I guess get lonely. I was weak and I see that as a character flaw now. I know it's a terrible thing to say I would miss you but the fact is that it's true. I definitely am not blaming you or your job, I'm just stating the fact. I would rather have you with me."

First date:

"I guess the "first date" (though I didn't know it at the time) was to a movie. It seemed so casual, like just two friends, not a date, at least to me. We were at the dog park when she mentioned a movie she wanted to see. Wanted to know if I wanted to come along. You were in London so I said OK but I did feel those pangs of guilt and knew this probably wasn't the right thing to do. I stupidly did it any way.. It was cinco de mayo and I remember because we went to the theaters with the bar and restaurant. We met there, I did not pick her up. They were having cinco de mayo drink specials so that is why I remember otherwise I wouldn't have a clue when this was. I can't even remember the movie. The movie waiter came by and asked for our order. Well I had eaten already but she hadn't so she ordered something to eat and then ordered margaritas for both of us. When we finished those, we ordered two more and during the movie she began to lean into me. I let my guard down and I didn't pull away when I knew I should have. After the movie, in the parking lot as I walked her to her car, that is when we first kissed. She told me she had wanted to do that for a long time. I was so uncomfortable and now as I look back I kick myself for not stopping it. I was such an idiot. I am such an idiot. I know now a real man would have never been in that situation. You came home the next night and I surprised you and picked you up at the airport. I had made you dinner but you were so tired and we just went to bed. You probably don't remember but I held you all night while you slept. I was feeling terrible for having gone on that "date."

First sex:

"This is so difficult because as I look back now this could have been such a big turning point but I made the wrong choice. The first night there was sex was the day Bob saw us. Up to that point we were only casually kissing and nothing very hot and heavy. She invited me for dinner. I was starting to feel a bit like a teenage boy at this point. It was probably in early June. You could probably find the date or time frame because I remember you were in NY. She was making it very clear she wanted to take things to the next level and I really thought I had things under control. I knew I was in dangerous territory and I let it get away from me. I was so distracted when I saw Bob that I think I convinced myself he probably didn't even see us but it was a big worry. It made it hard to concentrate but instead of telling her I couldn't do it, I kept on with the evening. That is the night we first had sex. She made me dinner. There was wine. I was a weak man and I submitted. I did not stay the night in fact I remember leaving very soon after. I remember she was disappointed I wouldn't stay longer. I'm so ashamed. It's incredibly hard to write this. I will never be sorrier for anything as I am for letting that night happen and violating our vows. I was definitely playing with fire and I knew it. It most definitely wasn't worth it. I feel nothing but sadness and shame. I remember hardly being able to look at you when you came home, I was filled with so much shame. When you did come home, I was so relieved though. You were so loving, it was almost like you comforted me but didn't know it. I am an awful person!"

Longevity:

"We fell into a pattern. She would text and tell me she would be at the dog park at such and such a time. I didn't always meet her there but she knew my schedule, bits and pieces of your schedule, and would tend to text when she knew I would be available. I fell into the habit of meeting her over those lost months. I guess to some degree I did enjoy her company but I always made it clear this was going nowhere and was just casual fun. I never made any bones about that, no matter how pouty she would get. Stupid me was flattered by the attention. I could tell she was getting attached while I was trying to detach. Whenever I tried to detach, she would become sad and pouty. At some level I was very worried she was going to tell you. Whenever I would tell her I wouldn't meet or not text her back, she would get "weird." I can't really explain it but maybe I read more into it because it seemed important to keep her "happy". I guess I was always worried she would tell you so keeping the peace was always best.

She would usually invite me back to her place for a bite to eat or to watch a game. That is where the affair always happened, aside from once on the boat."

Just for my benefit, I guess?

"I never told her I love her. Never. I only ever loved and am in love with you. I made sure she knew that."

The letter goes on and on...the couple times he tried to end it, the fateful text night, when he started to text her again to tell it was really over, she wouldn't be watching the dogs and how she basically went psycho on him. I guess when I was dealing with that text while I was away and found all of you, he was dealing with a nut job on his hands - pissed he stood her up that night and never replied (because he had blocked her), even more pissed when he said it had to be over and she wouldn't be watching the dogs. He tried to placate her. He was super worried she was going to tell me so he calmed her and said he pretended things might go back to normal after vacation but until then he could not communicate with her. He said he just needed to buy time so he could figure out how and when to tell me. He said he had decided he would tell me but he definitely did NOT want to do it on our vacation.

And the rest, as they say, is history...

How appropriate was my thread title from months ago now? I feel once again like I have been punched in the gut.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 4:43 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)]

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7704135
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barleysugar ( member #50315) posted at 10:52 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

you really must feel that way. it is SO hard to "hear" all that ,I know I had too as well yet mine TOLD me how much he loved OW which still punches me in the gut 4 years later.

Nothing about this situation is good.

Lots of hugs ,try to be strong

.One cure does NOT cure us ALL!!YOUR HEATBREAK YOUR RULES

posts: 228   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2015   ·   location: england
id 7704139
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sewardak ( member #50617) posted at 11:01 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

how do you get to be his age and simply fall into something like this. to live and make choices without thinking. he continues to imply it was all her fault and he had a weak moment. he's just weak period, imo.

he's not even close to his why either, except to tell you he resented you for traveling. oh, he has so much work to do.

hugs, TOC, just hugs.

posts: 4125   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2015   ·   location: it's cold here
id 7704140
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 11:32 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

sewardak

how do you get to be his age and simply fall into something like this. to live and make choices without thinking. he continues to imply it was all her fault and he had a weak moment. he's just weak period, imo.

he's not even close to his why either, except to tell you he resented you for traveling. oh, he has so much work to do.

I don't know but I don't care. I am so over all of this! I really am. I didn't ask for this fucking mess so I'm packing my shit and leaving it all behind me. God bless those who can stay and deal with such incredible betrayal. I'm not built for that song and dance. Not anymore.

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7704146
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Foley05 ( member #48459) posted at 11:47 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

I know now a real man would have never been in that situation.

English translation: "I know now that I am not a real man."

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2015   ·   location: Central US
id 7704148
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 11:47 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

I wrote back to STBXH.

I told him he wrote the ending to our story.

I told him I wish him speedy healing.

I told him I wished him happy coming holidays.

I told him to sign the D papers.

I told him we are done!

We. Are. Done.

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7704149
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Prudence ( member #50647) posted at 11:57 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Amen TOC.

You know this is the end for you so you are right to make it clear to him.

(((TOC)))

Look after yourself now and move forward. Sending strength and healing to you.

"Integrity is doing the right thing when you don’t have to—when no one else is looking or will ever know—when there will be no congratulations or recognition for having done so.”
Charles Marshall in Shattering the Glass Slipper

posts: 294   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 7704150
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brokenhurtalaska ( member #55618) posted at 12:00 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Hugs to you TOC

I hope you've been able to gain some rest during the night. You sent me a post reply to my thread yesterday and it raised my spirits. I'm sorry that the rest of your day turned out the way it did. I too wish I could unhear/unsee what I have endured this year. I wish you did not have to encounter these painful moments, but I am envious of your will to move on and forward. I see you as being very strong, and thank you for everything you share. You and this site are a lifeline for me as well.

Sending more hugs.

Me - BS, 39
D-Day 1 EA = 10/25/2012, D-Day 2 PA = 6/10/2016, R-Day = 7/10/2016, D-Day 3 EA = 9/27/2016 (EA ongoing), D-Day 4 PA = 10/18/2016
2 DD
1 DS
D? Happening as we speak

posts: 130   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2016
id 7704151
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undertherug ( member #41580) posted at 12:38 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

I think it's time to block him. All future correspondence through attorneys. No contact = no new hurts. He is blaming everyone but himself for what happened. She started it; he was weak; you were gone. Bull. When Bob found out and called him on it, he could have ended it then. It would still be going on now if he had not misdirected that first text. That text did not sound like he was trying to end it. He said he could't wait until their next "encounter." Those are not the words of someone trying to detach. In a way I guess it was a good thing he send you his "timeline." Now you sound WAY over it. I don't know your WH but I am really pissed at him. I am so sorry he continues to hurt you.

posts: 1077   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 7704171
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 12:53 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

how do you get to be his age and simply fall into something like this. to live and make choices without thinking. he continues to imply it was all her fault and he had a weak moment. he's just weak period, imo.

he's not even close to his why either, except to tell you he resented you for traveling. oh, he has so much work to do.

hugs, TOC, just hugs.

Exactly. I know we've only had snippets, but nowhere in there is how he came to be such buddies with the dog walker that he was there on the scene in the dog park in order to be lassoed into dinner and a movie. If you're paying somebody to walk your dog, why are you in the dog park???

I wrote back to STBXH.

I told him he wrote the ending to our story.

I told him I wish him speedy healing.

I told him I wished him happy coming holidays.

I told him to sign the D papers.

I told him we are done!

We. Are. Done.

I agree with the others who have suggested that he's educating himself on how to recover the marriage post-adultery. Offering up the timeline voluntarily would normally go a long way to opening a dialogue. Certain questions are nearly irresistible... like the one above, 'why was he in the dog park when he was paying to have the dog walked?'.

If you're sure that you're done, and it sounds like you are, it's probably best not to ask. That said, if you feel like you need answers in order to close this chapter of your life, I doubt you'll ever find him more pliable than he is right now while he's in repair mode.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10

posts: 7098   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 7704183
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confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 1:43 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

I see a lot of minimizing and blameshifting in that email.

He was weak..she came after him...He,was trying to keep her happy because he was scared.

Blah blah blah.

"I can't wait to be inside you."

Those are not the words of a man who wasn't fully involved in his affair.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:43 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)]

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7704191
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 6:26 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

I see a lot of minimizing and blameshifting in that email.

Agreed.

He provides this timeline after he sees what the OW e-mailed you...I don't think he's reading a damn thing about helping you heal...he's doing damage control. JMHO.

No matter...you're done. Too little, too late, dude. Game over. Everyone loses.

Huge hugs, honey.

2025: Me-59 FWH-61 Married 41 years grown daughters- 41 & 37. 1 GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); Five grands ages 15 to 8. D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8905   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 7704392
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whymeagain8 ( member #55187) posted at 6:27 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

BARF. You made the best decision ....so lucky you can just go NC. GO GO GO!

posts: 259   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7704393
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