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Yeah. I have a feeling that hr is going to be told by my wife really soon. I understand why she doesn't want to since it will get OM fired, but no way he's going to do the transfer. His boss is brand new so he has that going for him but it's not going to go well.

She told me she doesn't think we can have a good or real marriage if there are lies or any underlying untruths about things. I think we all agree with that. I'll keep working on her and this and see what happens. Every day seems to bring up new stuff!

Please – YOU do it. Call HR. Don’t wait for your wife to do it.

First of all it will ensure the correct story and reasons are on the table.

Second; Your WW is full of guilt and might sign something that diminishes company/boss accountability. Follow my advice and you have already established WW as a victim.

Third: It shows your wife that you really aren’t accepting the affair and/or the conditions conductive to the affair.

Are you still doing 180 or are you done because you believe this time she is really, really, really telling the truth as opposed to just really, really and just really....So the truth at this point is that they slept together, then made out a bunch of times then had a sleep over but didn't have sex but suddenly she felt guilty about haveing sex with him several months prior? All the late night kissing and previously having sex and kissing that night and the opportunity but they didn't have sex ? So many red flags and the way she has been lying and lying again and again she has got to understand how hard it is to trust her now. So you can either go on with that I trust her but... always in your marriage or....

Many people cut and paste this letter rewrite it so it better reflects their situation. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

It's called joseph's letter and it explains why the BS needs to know the truth. I'd change it and say that you could continue on like this but the trust is gone in the relationship and might take years to earn back or she could take a poly and you could start fresh and start rebuilding the marriage right now.

The blanket no to the poly and the many TT and the sketchy story are major red flags to me.

I am definitely still on the 180. I wasn't doing it to get more truths out of her. I was and am doing it to have control over me since I can't control her. Reading the no more mr nice guy and whatnot has me thinking there is a lot of me I can and need to work on, which is what I am planning on doing.

She apologized to me and said that there had been two other kisses and flirting around the office. She apologized for doing this to us and wished she had never started anything with him. I told her that I didn't understand why she told me of it in the first place and she said she just had an overwhelming sense of guilt and thought I had to know. She is going to follow up with OM about transferring.

She is continuing to tell you tiny, tiny bits of more truth. She has not even told you a 1/50th of the truth yet.

There is much more to the entire truth.

Something else that bothers me, is she is still in contact with the OM, every day she is talking to the OM.

You take control, you call HR. Your wife is telling you all of these things, the hell with that, you cannot believe her.

You do it!

What has been her reaction to the polygraph request.

I didn't bring up the poly again and I did bring up that I am being recommended to tell hr on my own. She thought that was vindictive. I told her part of it is, but it is more so about ending her being his subordinate and him not fucking her over/doing nothing. There is no scenario where he talks to his boss about transferring her and the question of why doesn't come up. What is he going to say? He's just not going to do it.

She thought that was vindictive

So it's about her? Selfish and total lack of remorse for what she has done to you and the marriage.

This statement alone tells you she has no intention of telling HR or getting transferred. She wants the status quo to remain. The so called deadline will come and an excuse to extend will be made i'm sure. You need to act!

Actions speak louder than words and her wanting to keep this from HR is an obvious action to protect her not you or help you heal.

She wants to rug sweep. Affairs live in secrecy.

Tell HR now, get them split apart. Show the consequences to her actions. Yes she was a big girl and fucked her boss there are consequences she can't still have her boss as a friend and he probably won't be working at the company when they fire him... They will not fire her and if they do they face a huge lawsuit!

This does not end well for you if they continue to work together and your in the dark on the truth and with an unremorseful wife. There is absolutely no way.

You will spin your wheels at home all the while she sees you as going crazy and/or minimizing your pain and the other man continues to fart fairy dust in her ear and has sex with her.

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:14 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

Never warn that you are going to expose. Your wife can go to HR ahead of you and portray you as a jealous nut case.

I didn't bring up the poly again and I did bring up that I am being recommended to tell hr on my own. She thought that was vindictive.

Vindictive, your wife sounds like she is sticking up for the OM instead of you. I don't like that at all.

Ask your wife how she would be reacting right now, if you had sex with a female boss, ask your to once and for all be honest with herself and you, and tell you how she would be reacting.

Vindictive: having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge. Does your wife know the meaning of the word.

Revenge, NO, tell her you want this guy out of her life.

OR, she quits her job today!

Desertmirage, As others have said dont tell her, just go to HR and tell them. She more than likely will try to minimize it and even defend the OM. You get to decide at this point what you need to recover, not her. They both crossed boundries when this was going on and should have , but didnt think about the consequences. This is not your dillema.

Decide what it is going to take for you to heal and if willing to reconcile.

Once I found out about my wifes affair we had arguments about exposure. I ended up telling the AP wife and she was worried about her friends finding out because it was a small town. I told her she should have thought about it before fucking a person whos wife had strong ties to the community . Consequences are part of life. Its how we learn from our mistakes. Otherwise we end up repeating them.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 10:18 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

No. You don’t tell her you are thinking of it. You DO IT.

She has no input on this. You JUST DO IT.

Vindictive? I told you already that if you tell HR she will go ballistic. That’s the first indicator that I am correct on this.

I also told you she will calm down.

But even IF she uses your “meanness” in telling HR as an excuse to call the marriage off… well… then you know how deep her real intent to reconcile is.

Yeah, I mean I would love to see the guy get fired, let's be honest, we all like that part of it . I am thinking that if this doesn't get sorted in the next few days I'm going to tell her she either tells hr or I leave. I told her originally that I didn't want her working with him. I'm not planning on waiting months for this to be sorted. It can be sorted in a couple hours if she tells HR. I don't want to be the one that tells HR though. If she values R she'll do it. If she doesn't tell HR then I'll know how serious she is.

What part of “you do it” don’t you get?

It’s not about getting the man fired. It’s not even about getting your wife moved. It’s about making the affair reality – bursting the fantasy-bubble.

It’s about making the OM deny your wife. It’s about her seeing him for what he is (Gee… I have a choice of sacrificing my piece of ass or my career…). It’s about ensuring your WW doesn’t get screwed over when OM gives a bad evaluation that places her top-of-list when the order comes to down-size. It’s about ensuring that you get the whole HR dept. help in finding a new job, new position. It’s about you being able to meet her at the office without thinking everyone knows you are a cuckold.

If your wife choses to resign rather than risk OM career…. Well… that says more about her emotions and commitment to HIM than I care to get into.

She likely does love you.

She likely does want things to work out with you.

And she very likely is still lying.

I want to put this out there, again. This is excellent.

(maybe I am just saying this to myself)

You have a lot going on right now. Let's put HR on the shelf for a moment.

you said she was reading the book "how to help". How did that go?

I understand what you all are saying. I guess I am not at the point of clarity to want to do it. I need to work on my nice guy shit, tbh. I have been trying for so many years to make her as happy as possible and this just rewires all of that. Sorry.

She is going to read it this weekend. I read it yesterday, and told her it says exactly how I am feeling and what I want and need. I am curious to see what she says after reading it. We are going on a trip to see friends this weekend (preplanned and paid for...) so she will have time during traveling to read it.

I think Canoe might be correct that we ease up on HR for now. It’s just one of many things that need to be addressed.

However, keep in mind that timings are very important as far as the job is concerned.

Before the affair is officially known by the company she can be demoted, fired, replaced… with little risk of consequences. They can give a reason like “bad performance” or “downsizing” and that’s it. She could wave the affair about after that, but if this went to court it leaves her in a very weak position.

Once HR has been informed of the affair it changes the dynamics. It gives her more protection.

But then… Her being fired might actually solve a lot of issues for you.

Maybe the emphasis we place on HR is really an emphasis on you becoming more proactive and doing what YOU can impact rather than placing actions in her hands.

Sorry, I have to disagree. You can't focus on anything at all while she is still in fantasyland affair. You tell HR today. It is about the bubble of the fantasy and secrecy she currently is living in. She can twist and turn everything because nothing has changed for her in real life. Fantasyland can continue. And until this is popped, he is just spinning his wheels on hold or as her plan B.

She is not going to tell HR, she will hold her ground about this because she doesn't want to loose her new found "friend" snd see him for who he really is and he is telling her they both will lose their jobs. And she doesn't want to face the reality that she is a bad person who cheated on her husband "Oh how did I get here".. blah blah blah

Plus it is a way she still has control. See I can get him to be quiet and go away while I sample this other man. Put your big boy pants on and report it.

Just saying, because I lived in inaction for almost 2 months after initial d-day. Spinning my wheels.

[This message edited by sneaker at 11:19 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

Yeah, I mean I would love to see the guy get fired, let's be honest, we all like that part of it . I am thinking that if this doesn't get sorted in the next few days I'm going to tell her she either tells hr or I leave.

Hold it right now.

You are talking to people that have been through this before. I waited and waited before taking a proactive approach and it bit me in the ass every single time.

Stop waiting, stop delaying, stop waiting for your wife to do something.

Get out in front of this and be proactive.

I do not like your wife thinking you are being vindictive.

Bottom line, he either quits or your wife does, TODAY.

Do you know where your wife is right now, do you know where she might be at lunch. Do you know what the OM is telling others.

Stop telling your wife your plans.

If this were me I would have already called the OM on my own and told him to get out of the position or else. The calmer me would have already called HR and explained the situation to them, in a calm manner.

And remember, this is me looking back, because hindsight is 20/20, and man do I now have hindsight.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 11:29 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

if you put off contacting hr it allows her to establish the narrative. this could easily kill any later r attempt. your marriage is hanging on by a thread and you trust her with scissors?

also never reveal sources or plans to expose. ever! just do it.

in fact her reaction after will tell you alot.