SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Someone PM'd me a quote early in my saga.

This didn't happen, it's HAPPENING

I brought up polygraph briefly as almost a joke and I know if I ask her to take one that will be the end.

Why, why is that the end of it.

Asking your wife to take a polygraph so YOU can begin to trust her again, because without trust, there is no real marriage.

Can you please explain the comment that if you ask her to take one it is the end of your marriage.

How did your wife react when you brought it up "jokingly?"

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Your wife has already had two affairs at the very least, and she is an alcoholic without boundaries.

Do you want to live in an open marriage where you wife can have sex with any guy she wants to without any consequences for her, but yet, you have to deal with all of the consequences.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 12:12 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

She shook her head and looked disgusted when I mentioned it as something that was recommended we do. I played it off as a joke but shouldn't have. She will view it as me not trusting her at all and if she is indeed telling the truth, why would I not believe her (is what is going through her head). Or she's just not telling me everything. Idk.

One simple reason why she shuddered at the poly--

Because she's fucking lying. As someone already said if her biggest priority is to make sure you have the thruth, she'd be nose deep in the yellow pages looking for a local examiner

[This message edited by Markone at 12:23 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

If she's just looking at it like this: "If he doesn't trust me at all, why am I going through all this" (which she very well may be thinking) is that terrible for us? I think that's probably what her thought process is.

To which I'd reply - why should I trust you? You've lied and cheated repeatedly. You are walking on eggshells.

She will view it as me not trusting her at all

Exactly. You don't and shouldn't trust her at all. Why would you? Why would anyone? What would you tell a friend or relative in a similar situation? Would you tell this friend to just believe their wife who has lied to them again and again? What possible reason would you have to believe her at this point?

If you want to, you can get your relationship back to a point of trust. Different than the one you had before, but definitely trusting. So there is a path back. But it is a long, painful path full of very had work. A poly is likely on that path. So is a deep realization from her that she is a cheater and a liar. That she is no better or different than those "other cheaters." She hasn't started down that path yet. That is OK. It is still early. But she is going to have to walk it if you want to recover.

I'm sorry if my words and the words of others are coming off harshly. I know this is hard. I've been there. It sucks so fucking badly. It is crushing to realize that the person to whom you have pledged the rest of your life is capable to staring you straight in the eyes and telling a bald-faced lie. It doesn't seem possible. But I promise you it is.

You need to get firm and draw up a list of conditions that YOU need in order to try and make this work. One of those needs to be a Polygraph.

Sorry bud but you are trying to make decisions without knowing what you are really dealing with. You need the whole truth. If your gut is saying she is still lying...she is. You can trust your gut. You can't trust her right now

Yeah, I just want to trust her. She's taking the STD test because she slept with him raw dog. The kissing is just part of the thing. I can't figure this out. Yes, she would be offended that I am asking her to take the poly. It doesn't make sense but she would be.

Desertmirage

A polygraph is offensive but “raw dog” isn’t? Is it her position that she will cheat but she could never lie?

If she's just looking at it like this: "If he doesn't trust me at all, why am I going through all this" (which she very well may be thinking) is that terrible for us? I think that's probably what her thought process is.

Your wife doesn't get this at all. She has no clue as to the seriousness of what she has done. She is an alcoholic that has sex with other guys, all the while she is married. She seems to think everything is fine...she does not have a clue.

She is lying, she is a liar and her therapist is pushing her to be a liar. Come on.

Your wife has so far not done a damn thing required of her to rebuild the marriage and trust. Not one thing.

Has she read the PDF online called "How to help your spouse heal from the affair" by Linda McDonald. Make her read that.

Has she read the book Not Just Friends?

Your wife is skating through this with excuse after excuse. If you do not take control now, her next affair is around the corner, if not already happening.

Did you ever call her therapist, just to make sure your wife is telling you the truth, to confront the therapist like where does he/she get off condoning lying.

I ordered Not Just Friends and told he she needs to read it after me. She agreed to do so. I'll send her the other one.

I just read back to your first post and saw that your D-Day was 5 days ago. Therefore, let me say that I think you are doing pretty well. Sure, your thinking is a bit off in a few areas and your wife doesn't have a clue, but this is all so raw and new. It would be unusual for a wayward spouse to recognize the magnitude of what they had done this early in the process.

Be kind to yourself. I hope the other posters on here are both direct and kind also.

This is a long journey. Take it one step at a time. If you guys finish reading "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help..." within the next week that will be a HUGE accomplishment.

Good luck.

He is doing well just needs to get over the fear of her leaving. Who cares! Who want to be married to an adulterer. This is you feeling unworthy and de-masculenated by your wife's actions. Like she is the only one you could be with, my God you don't even have kids you are very lucky and can wash your hands of her and be a catch to others. You are the prize.

Sure she could run off with this dude but she will see his true self the ugly that was hidden by the fog of affair. Or he will cheat on her when that fog wears off.

If she's just looking at it like this: "If he doesn't trust me at all, why am I going through all this" (which she very well may be thinking) is that terrible for us? I think that's probably what her thought process is

^^^It doesn't matter if this is her thought process or not. She has given you every reason not to trust her, and you will not trust her UNTIL she has earned it back...years.

You will always wonder if she is telling the truth. She is a proven liar.

When she leaves the house, is she really going where she says she's going?

When she's on a business trip, will she remain faithful and cling to strong boundaries.

When she's on her phone, you are going to wonder who she is talking with.

If she is late from work, you will question her whereabouts.

Understand, she has to prove to you that she is being honest, and right now you have every right to question everything coming out of her mouth. Her words are meaningless, her actions are what matters.

Has anyone suggested you download No More Mr. Nice Guy? Another book that might be a useful tool.

She had an affair, so the polygraph issue should not be an issue, and if she is really telling the truth, which most of us here highly doubt, then she will be more than willing to take one. It would be just one baby step forward.

Thanks guys! I just read How to Help over lunch. I sent her the link. I really don't think she has read anything by her actions. This book spelled out what I am looking for PERFECTLY. I just hope she feels these things and doesn't just check the boxes of "apologized profusely twice today" etc. It makes sense too, she is probably feeling a TON of relief after having this on her mind for 3 months, so that would make her potentially seem more aloof. I am starting see the holes you are guys are talking about though. She slept with him in late June and "kissed" him on Sept 3rd. What happened between those dates? They had another business trip together in between. Just doesn't make sense to me. A friend who went through something similar and reconciled with his wife asked me "does it matter how many times it happened?". It doesn't to me but if she is lying about it it's not going to be easy. She's at a very big disadvantage though if she is telling the truth now. The windows of time are too great and there was definitely opportunity. It does suck for her if she is telling me the truth.

Until you know the truth, these questions will swirl in your mind with increasing velocity. I'd also recommend the free PDF "No more Mr nice guy".

Thanks, ya someone up above recommended it too. I'll download it. Do you know who wrote it?

Robert A Glover

Thanks!

How to Help Your Spouse Heal is a great book. Good job putting that in front of her!!!!

She shook her head and looked disgusted when I mentioned it as something that was recommended we do. I played it off as a joke but shouldn't have. She will view it as me not trusting her at all and if she is indeed telling the truth, why would I not believe her (is what is going through her head). Or she's just not telling me everything. Idk

After reading How To Help..., she should be willing to crawl over broken glass if that's what it takes to help you heal. Let's see how she does with the book.

If she's just looking at it like this: "If he doesn't trust me at all, why am I going through all this"

Bullshit. What "all this" is she going through?

I never did the poly... but if I asked for one, I'd get one. That simple.