SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She doesn't think I am vindictive now, abut if I told HR on them, she would. I understand what you guys are saying about the fantasy world. It's basically there to pick back up whenever they want right now. If she's sincere, she ended it right now, but what about in a month? Nothing has changed at work.

I hope you see it soon by not breaking them apart immediately and blowing up fantasy land you are driving her to him in reality because he is not playing by any rules or moral code. He is going to fart fairy dust in her ear and make her feel like everything is normal until she goes home to you and then she is not going to want to go home to you anymore because its easier to be with him who understands her and is such a nice friend.

He will just fart this fairy dust for a few weeks maybe a month until the dust settles and pounce again because its a game or conquest for him maybe she can't resist the magic penis. He doesn't care because it's absolutely no risk for him. And she is trapped because she is in fantasyland and doesn't want it to end and see herself for the monster she has become. So its easier to just do it and maybe you won't find out this time I mean you never really made a big deal and gave up.

Your mind is in a position where you think this happened and is over. It's far from over and just begun. Quicker you learn this the quicker you can recover otherwise your in for a long run of pain and torture.. That is what infidelity is my friend there is no way around it. It sucks but your in it now swallow that shit sandwich your wife has served you and take action.

I really hope I am helping

[This message edited by sneaker at 12:44 PM, September 23rd (Friday)]

A few thoughts aftervreadingbyour thread...

1) Your wife's story just does not make sense... I suppose it could be true but it just does not seem likely; think of it this way... as I sit here an airplane could fly overhead and drop a big bag of money that lands in my yard all for me... it's possible but not very likely to happen;

2) you clearly very, VERY much want to believe her story despite all the red flags and logical gaps... you need to adopt a mindset of questioning EVERYTHING and not accepting vague answer on things that do not make sense;

3) very early on in your thread you listed certain demands that your wife was making to fix the marriage... The implication being that because you did not do those things she felt unappreciated and became a wayward... Here is where there is a huge problem with her cheating story... If that was part of her motivation for cheating... and she ONLY messed around with OM a couple times and had no other real contact outside work... how does that has anything to do with you or her waywardness... was OM doing all that with her to sweep her off her feet? According to her illogical,story that cannot be it... she is either hiding a huge amount of truth from you OR she is trying to push blame onto you for her behavior or most likely BOTH

4) As long as she works there with OM this will never get better... either she goes or he goes and it needs to happen quickly

Feel very bad for your situation but I get the impression that you are reluctant to take desicive action. I am actually an advocate of reconciling but my experience has been that it more likely happens when the betrayed takes firm, decisive action and the wayward is 100% all in on fixing their mess.

While your wayward is responsible for her own decisions in this mess, I am a firm believer in the concept that the ONLY person responsible for getting yourself out of infidelity is YOU.

Desert,

Infidelity is a lot like alcoholism. It’s like if the cops phone you early one Sunday morning and tell you your wife is in the drunk-tank at the county-jail. Turns out she assaulted a cop who pulled her over for DUI. You dig a bit and discover that last evening she went out with the girls, had some drinks and ended the evening downing Jägermeister shots and tequila while dancing on the tables.

When she sobers up she admits that she’s drinking too much. It’s a bottle of white most days and some vodka and cocktails on weekends. She decides she wants to stop so she promises never to drink again. When she makes that promise – hung-over and full of guilt – she is sincere. She is really determined to never drink again.

Next couple of weeks go fine. She only has water or soda with her meals and sticks to coffee and tea for social drinking. Then one Monday she tells you the girls are going out next Friday and she isn’t going with them. On Tuesday she tells you she might go with them for dinner, but not the bar. On Wednesday she tells you that she’s also going to the bar but only as the designated driver. On Thursday she remembers she lost her license…

Come Friday she goes to dinner. She drinks water with the meal but sniffs at the excellent red the friends order. She goes with them to the bar and orders a soda. Then she orders a vodka with lime – only to hold it. She still has no intention to drink. Only to be like the others… No intention to drink… Then only to dip her lounge in it. No intention to drink. Then small sips… An hour later she’s downing her third and looking at the shot-menu.

That’s infidelity. Just like an alcoholic has to really look into why he drinks and take action to remove that need your wife needs to realize why she cheated. Over time a recovering alcoholics aim is to be able to be around alcohol without dire consequences. When your WW knows what made her cheat and she is committed to not repeating that action then she could theoretically be around OM… But like the alcoholic would chose to AVOID risky situations your wife – fully recovered – would choose to AVOID being around OM.

Right now your wife is trying to end the affair with will-power alone. She’s like the alcoholic that thinks not drinking is enough and thinks he can still hang out at the bar. It’s not a situation that’s conductive to recovery.

You had time to read the Linda J MacDonald book, but she hasn't had time yet? And the plan is to go socialize this weekend at friends out of town?

You're being jumped on a bit here for things I might not would jump on you for. But this? I don't get it.

Oh, I took time off of work to read that book. She is going to read it today. The friends thing is unfortunate. They are my friends. I told a couple of them about this but not all. I don't want anyone judging us if we get back together and are okay. If I canceled on the weekend a couple days before it would be tough to explain without just telling them she cheated on me. Which maybe I should.

She doesn't think I am vindictive now, abut if I told HR on them, she would.

Your thinks you are not vindictive if you keep your mouth shut, but you will be vindictive if you tell HR. How selfish is that. Would you stop letting her dictate the terms.

She refuses a polygraph, she refuses to quit her job, She refuses to stop talking to the OM, she refuses to be totally honest. And all you have is you hope she reads the book.

Your wife has already had two affairs at the least, and I see absolutely no signs she intends to change her ways. I see no consequences. She should have read the damn books by now already.

She should have quit her job already, but only if she really cared about you and or the marriage.

I don't want anyone judging us if we get back together and are okay.

That is a good point, because if you decide to R, others might not think the same thing. But considering your wife continues to be with the OM at work, and for all you know still in the affair and an alcoholic, someone needs to know, like her parents.

Stop waiting for your wife to read a book, do something. Call HR today. Where is your wife right now, at work, shopping, in a motel with the OM.

She has done nothing to help YOU heal.

Sorry, but you are not doing the 180.

You are still trying to nice your wife back. Doing things to keep her happy and hopefully she decides to stay with you. It is written all over your replies. You either can't see it, or you choose to see it and ignore it.

Ask me how I can see this. I did that for about 6 months. The PA was done, but the EA continued. It falsely ended when I decided to out the AP to HR. Guess, what happened, The AP threw WW under the proverbial bus and drove the bus over my WW. At that time my WW still did not see that she was nothing but a piece of tail for AP.

I had to give a final ultimatum, "I told her she can keep him, but I will not be in a relationship with 3. and if that was her decision to leave, then I would not stop her. She could make her choices and I made mine"

So, you decide how you want to live your life.

You can be nice and live and share your wife with OM, because there will be more. or you can get mad and get yourself out of infidelity.

Your wife can decide to follow your lead at that point and you decide what you want.

I can't stress enough what they say here "You have to be willing to lose your marriage, to have a chance at saving it"

You need to be decisive and not wishy washy.

You expose to HR and let the chips fall where they may. She will get mad and your marriage will survive that, but your marriage will not survive a third person.

You cannot compete with AP, his fantasy land offers happiness and euphoria (It will not last, but that does not matter to people in affairs). The sooner you understand that, the better off you will be and the quicker you can heal.

[This message edited by Icanseethelight at 1:34 PM, September 23rd (Friday)]

Guess, what happened, The AP threw WW under the proverbial bus and drove the bus over my WW

This is what you want. You want her to see him for who and what he is. You want the bubble of the affair to pop and come back to reality and back to the marriage. Otherwise he is just that nice guy that she went to far with. Leaving that door open for him to open up again.

Think, "Wow we can just be friends" then "Oh my maybe I do have feelings for him because he is such a better guy".. No he is not he will toss her out with the bath water when reality comes crashing down. Pop that bubble.

Implement the 180 but most importantly get out of infidelity

[This message edited by sneaker at 1:52 PM, September 23rd (Friday)]

Thanks, you're right. I'm not. I'm really trying to, like really bad. I think all this is going to take time. The more I read from you guys here and others' posts, I can see what you are talking about. I just need to stop being a whiny bitch and do what I need to. I finally heard back from a counselor and will hopefully be meeting with her Monday to go over everything. I think this will be good for me too. Thanks again, I really want you guys to know how much I appreciate the incredible amount of time you are spending on me, a total stranger. You all are incredible.

Don't be hard on yourself. It's natural to want to believe her and return to what you thought you had. Making calls like that are scary and you have to be ready on your own time. We all want to prevent you from getting hurt further, and as we've repeatedly said, you're still in infidelity so that will unfortunately be unavoidable. However, you've been through a lot. Read through a lot of harsh words, and stayed around. That counts for a lot. It took me two years to get to the point of being willing to lose the marriage in order to save it, so you are not alone in being indecisive. However, if I had it do all over again, I'd follow the majority of advice you've been given here. Would have saved a lot of grief and money. You've had a tough week. Be easy on yourself.

[This message edited by Markone at 2:43 PM, September 23rd (Friday)]

Thanks for the words. I will see what the counselor says as well. I'm looking forward to talking to her. I just don't think my wife gets it. Hopefully after she reads the book in a few hours she will have a better idea. I really think she has spent 0 time looking up what I am going through and what she can/should be doing. The whole thing just sucks and is super hurtful. I really don't get it. Just divorce me if she wanted to sleep with someone else. It would hurt but I wouldn't have to think about if she's committed or not...

Thanks, you're right. I'm not. I'm really trying to, like really bad. I think all this is going to take time. The more I read from you guys here and others' posts, I can see what you are talking about. I just need to stop being a whiny bitch and do what I need to. I finally heard back from a counselor and will hopefully be meeting with her Monday to go over everything. I think this will be good for me too. Thanks again, I really want you guys to know how much I appreciate the incredible amount of time you are spending on me, a total stranger. You all are incredible.

Dude, go easy on yourself. This is an awful time and it's very very difficult to make good decisions at times like this. I would recommend that you make as few decisions as possible and try to avoid irreversible decisions altogether. Something unsaid in most of our posts is the statement that we screwed this up too when we were in your position... we wish we had done it differently. It's hard. We know that. Don't be self-critical, ok? This is NOT your fault.

A really good decision, by the way, is to see a counsellor.

We are trying to help you because: (1) it's pay it forward time... people have helped us... so we want to help others, and (2) helping you literally helps us (or at least, reading through your problem helps me). Sifting through your issues is helping me see how I should act in my situation.

The other thing that I would say is take care of yourself and try to be you. On the good side, the 180 talks about taking care of something under your control: YOU! Do this stuff, for sure.

I am not a huge fan of parts of the 180 because there are parts where it suggests that you should ignore your spouse, in an attempt to make them feel unwanted or that you could live without them. That's not my personality, so I skipped that stuff.

Thanks again, I really want you guys to know how much I appreciate the incredible amount of time you are spending on me, a total stranger. You all are incredible.

No one is really a stranger here, because all stories are incredibly similar.

Hopefully after she reads the book in a few hours she will have a better idea.

Her reaction, actions and sort of her words after reading the book will let you know or gauge where her mind is at.

Your IC can help you feel better. But please take control of this situation, your wife is still controlling everything, including your emotions. You are vindictive because of this and that, who the hell is she to judge you.

Take control.

As others have said - do t beat your self up... you have been handed an enormous s*** sandwich and forced to take the first of ma y big bites of it. BUT as everyone has also told you... take control of the situation. One of two things will happen - your wayward will have a massive wake up call and do everything to fix the mess; or her true colors and lack of remorse will show through and you will be well on your way to quickly removing yourself from infidelity.

The path to reconciliation and the path to divorce look very similar early on. When a wayward shows remorse and a willingness to fix their mess THEN you get to the fork I the road that you decide if cheating really was a deal breaker for you or not.

Stay strong!

Hi I see you have lots of various replies and advice, don't agree with all of it but I'm not going to give you more but having been through the unbearable hell you going through now just know that as impossible as it seems to you now, you do get over this and there is an end. Hold onto that.

Her admission so far is drunken sex and flirting with him since then and kissing him three times. Basically did the opposite of normal relationships, she had sex with him first and then ramped back to flirting and kissing. Probably holding hands is next. Then eye contact and smiles. Then it will be all over. I think I'm finally getting the hang of these new affairs.

Truth is, they started the normal way, flirted, kissed, ate lunch together, break times together, talked about her unfulfilling boring husband, he's a good man but he never makes me feel the passion - fill in the blank, you know what she would say. Usually guys do the bait-and-switch. They courted their wives with exciting dates and deep talks of the future and most of all, MOST OF ALL, how much you desire her. Or you still do that, but it got boring anyway.

Then other man comes along and tells her "she is his muse" and "he has never felt a connection like that" and "she is the most beautiful woman she's ever met" and all that shit. This is what happened to your wife, or some variation. It was an ongoing flirtation and affair, not a drunken one-night stand. She has admitted enough, you saw her plans to separate, her actions and reactions, to know this is what happened.

Cheaters at work do their talking and "kissing" in their cars. Put a voice-activated recorder in her car for one week and you will have the truth.

Go read some more threads here, you can't believe the shit some guys can say and keep a straight face with a cheater. And unbelievably, the cheater believes it. You really feel sad that supposedly grown adult women (and men) are so gullible. Or can believe their own shit.

But get a VAR, put it in her car for one week, and you will see what's what.

Tell us how the book goes with her when you get a chance.

Desert,

New to your thread but just a few observations here.

This process of surviving infidelity is more like a marathon than a sprint. You're 1 week into what most would agree is a 3-5 year recovery process. You're likely emotionally and mentally unstable right now. Deep breaths and pace yourself. It's a long roller coaster.

It's way too early to make decisions about the future of the marriage. It's too early to forgive her, and it's too early to commit to R.

You probably only have a small sample of the whole truth. By probably, I mean it's less than 5% likely she's come clean. If you don't agree, read some other threads on SI. Cheaters just don't come clean it a week. It's very, very rare. If she's remorseful and wants to win back your trust (which she has destroyed), she'd be volunteering to take a poly and anything else you need to verify the facts. The cheater's attitude tells much more than their apologies and tears. True remorse is a full surrender.

You're gettting lots of advice, most of which is good and comes from those who've been in your shoes. The key is to take care of yourself and stand your ground. It must be made clear that you won't stay in a marriage that includes that man. NC - No contact, is necessary to even consider R. No contact for any reason, even work.

Remember what the 180 says about following her around the house. Remember what NMMNG says about detaching the emotional hose.

She must face consequences for her betrayal, and you must detach. Detach, Detach, Detach. Don't fall for the tears and apologies. Pay more attention to her actions.

Good luck

double post

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:52 AM, September 24th (Saturday)]