SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Bigger:

This is from Deserts very first post on page 1, this is what I base my comments on:

She got very drunk a couple years ago at a friend's wedding and made out with a guy. It really bothered me but I put it past me as a one time thing after we spoke about it.

haha, yeah it doesn't matter to me who does it. I just really didn't feel comfortable doing it behind her back (I know, I know). With her on board, I have no problem calling them and sending an email. My wife and I can even draft the email together. Like you guys all said, it's really to protect her from him in the future and makes sure they don't work together on things.

I really do think (finally!!) that she is really upset that she did this to us and is feeling remorseful. She has lots of shit to sift through to figure out why she does this stuff but I do think we are making progress. I'm going to continue doing the 180 and working on nice guy stuff. Feeling good, thanks everyone!

Have you used shared this site with her?

I have not. I just read her a few of the comments that resonated with me and thought would help to describe why certain things are important to do, and while they suck, they should be done. She understands and agrees.

OK Craig – I missed that one.

Desert – not that it necessarily applies to your wife but there is a syndrome well recognized with those dealing with alcohol abuse where women drink and then fool around.

My wife’s best friend defines herself as an alcoholic. We were really surprised when she told us she no longer drank because she had/has a drinking problem. To our knowledge she didn’t drink often over the year, not daily, not at work or any other of the typical alcoholic-expected behavior. She told us that when she drank she would sometimes reach a point where she more-or-less blacked out but would still go and pick up some random guy for sex. Next morning, she would have little if any recollection of the events. (Strangely though, she divorced her husband for him having an affair some years later…).

She told us that she sought counseling and was told this was a well-known issue and was considered alcoholism. She started attending AA meetings for women only, where a significant part dealt with the same issue.

I mention this because of your WW having made out with that guy drunk, having sex with OM drunk and backing out at his house drunk. Does your wife have a drinking problem?

I don't think she has a drinking problem on a daily basis (one to two glasses of wine/beer a night with dinner is commonplace for both of us) but a lot of these things seem to be happening with lots of alcohol. The only thing that seems fishy to me is that she flirted/kissed/hugged/held hands when they weren't drinking. So maybe sexual things with drinking and then just general emotional stuff on the normal day? It's hard to tell, tbh. I asked her last night if she felt that she drank heavily to give herself an excuse for the cheating or if the cheating happened because of drinking. She said she didn't know.

My wife’s friend didn’t drink daily or even monthly. It’s better defined as if when you drink does she tend to do things she regrets or wouldn’t do sober? That friend would maybe only get blasted 3-4 times a year but maybe wake up in a strange bed 2-3 times.

DP

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:56 AM, September 28th (Wednesday)]

So yeah, she very well may have a drinking problem. I wonder if she drinks heavily to make it feel better that she does these things though. More of a crutch. Who knows, though. That is something she needs to work out I think. If I could get into her head about it, I could try to decipher what is going on but, I can't.

Good. Do not share this place with your wife. It's you're safe place.

Good. Do not share this place with your wife. It's you're safe place.

Yeah, I agree. I just verbally shared with her some of the thoughts. I do think that something like this would help her understand and fix her issues but she can find it on her own.

The only thing that seems fishy to me is that she flirted/kissed/hugged/held hands when they weren't drinking.

Your wife tells you that she blacked out and doesn't remember the first time of sex and the time she was alone with him at the beach house, but she was not drunk the time they were kissing and he masturbated, yet your wife cannot remember if they were clothed or not...is this correct?

Your wife tells you that she blacked out and doesn't remember the first time of sex and the time she was alone with him at the beach house, but she was not drunk the time they were kissing and he masturbated, yet your wife cannot remember if they were clothed or not...is this correct?

No, not correct. She didn't black out with sex, just very drunk. Drunk again for the masturbating, black out at beach house where she doesn't know if something happened. I didn't ask her about clothes or not. I'm going to assume no, but I don't think it matters too much one way or the other.

EDIT: There was kissing/hugging/flirting going on when both of them were sober for a few months as well.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 11:25 AM, September 28th (Wednesday)]

So she can remember all the answers to your sex questions and the only time she cannot remember is at the beach house?

Still many holes in her answers. But in time she might tell you the entire truth.

What is going to happen on her next business trip, are you letting her go.

Yeah, that's where we're at. She remembers kissing him at the beach house but nothing more.

As for the trip, yeah not much I can do about it until I tell hr. I do believe her boss is traveling on his own the next two weeks. They don't usually travel with subordinates. Just if they are new.

Your story and the blackout stuff got me to thinking back to things my wife did and then answered.

This has always bothered me.

One night my wife stayed out all night of course coming home with lies of driving around thinking.

Come to find out later, she actually was at the OMs house all night. Sex yes, but I asked her how the sex ended (which is a long story) but she told me she passed out and doesn't remember how the sex ended. She was too drunk.

Same as your wife's stories in some ways.

Here is what has always bothered me, she was so drunk, passed out and cannot remember how the sex ended, yet she came home looking fine and without any hangover.

I would think if someone was so drunk they blacked out, wouldn't they have a hangover, and look like hell.

How did your wife come home after the beach house night.

So, if she can't remember anything but a kiss, then she can't say she didn't have sex with him that night.

Are you going to follow through with the polygraph?

I didn't say this earlier, but I was thinking it. Your wife is at best a liar and at worst a lying alcoholic. My guess is the latter.

If she drinks until she blacks out and then does awful things... that's alcoholism. It doesn't matter how much.

Here's the important thing: her alcoholism is not an excuse. Do not ignore the affair because she's an alcoholic.

Going forward, you both need to do the 180, whether you attempt R or go straight for D. Meaning, you both need to make yourself better people.... one of the things that she needs to address is her alcoholism.

The danger of the alcohol-theory as a reason for cheating is that it can be grabbed by your wife as the REASON she cheated. “Oh! I drank therefore I cheated. If I don’t drink I wont cheat!”

There might be a grain of truth in that statement: If I don’t drink I have better control of myself…

But her possible drinking issues don’t explain the longevity and the persistence of her affair.

But then… We are getting way too far ahead of ourselves. Although you have made great progress you still have a couple of nails to hammer down.

Desert, isn't your wife going on another business trip next week and you said all you can do is be sad.

Has that situation changed. How do you know the OM won't be there, how do you know your wife will not drink?

This is a tenuous situation with her going on another business trip and you still have no idea about the OM and if he is really going.

This is very unfair to you.