SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Share some of your misconceptions about A's that you had before you were cheated on.

Here are some of mines.

A's are harmless , fun, and cool. ( I learned this from Hollywood, the media and music I listened to)

It takes around 2 months for a BS to heal from infidelity.

The BS was somehow at fault for the WS's A.

What are some of misconceptions you had about A's before you were cheated on?

My only misconception is that my wife would actually have one.

I didn't believe it was as common as it is. Now I seem to see it everywhere.

I truly believed anyone who cheats or has an affair does not deserve a second chance. I believed cheaters are morally corrupt and undeserving of a second chance. At some level, I still believe some of these things.

I, too, believed affairs must be the result of unhappy marriages and that the BS must have played a role in the cheaters decision to cheat. Maybe that's my biggest aha moment -- learning how much responsibility must be directed on the cheater him or herself. That As occur in "happy" marriages, marriages where the BS is loving, supportive, present.

I think I also assumed that if my husband were cheating, I'd know. As in "how could a BS NOT know their partners was messing around with someone else???" I guess I believed that cheaters would be more recognizable than what I have discovered.

I thought if my husband ever had an affair he would be sorry and beg for us to stay together. Not so much. He wasn't sorry and he was so in love with "her" that he couldn't bare to lose his chance with her.

That my husband would never have an affair.

That I would leave the marriage if he ever cheated.

BS was somehow to blame

If BS paid more attention to WS it would not have happened

The OW or OM is ALWAYS hot and the poor WS couldnt resist!

(like in the movie Unforgiven with Diane Lane or even in Six Feet Under when teh undertaker has an affair with the beautiful stripper because his wife is going through a tough time and not taking care of her appearance or paying him attention)

Also, affairs arent that big of a deal

My misconceptions about infidelity have actually helped me understand people's reactions to me now.

I have a story - bear with me...

I had a student whose parent who was struggling through her husband's infidelity. He was a principal and the ow was a supply teacher in his school, so it was gossiped about throughout the whole board. The principal and ow were disciplined...very public and humiliating. Everyone knew.

It was just less than a year out and R had failed and they were divorcing. Of course - I didn't understand why she was still struggling. Just lose the creep I thought.

Her divorce was final the following year. She came to me in the last day of school and told me she received the final judgement in the mail. She was crying. I thought she was a whackadoodle. But I hugged her and said the right words.

Little did I know that my husband was with his OW at that exact timing of her tears and hug. One week later I would have my first dday and my own experience of being a whackadoodle.

The irony is not lost on me. I understand when people don't get it. I try to educate... I wish I had been more compassionate with that parent...

Sassylee, I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I knew someone who was going through being a bs during my husband's affair. I thought I got it and tried to be supportive. I get it now....

If you had asked me for a scenario of it happening to us I'd have told you in time we'd get older, grow apart and I'd let myself go causing him to cheat.

In reality he cheated early in the m, for a time it caused us to grow apart (I think we're righting that now) amd for a long time it caused me to let myself go (which I am trying to fix but it's hard). It also caused me to feel so much older in a short space of time (and that's something I cant change, i wont ever feel that young again) Pretty much the reversal of order from what young naive me thought.

Eta - before I'd have supported (but not condoned) a froend who was cheating. Sadly, I now can'tand she doesn't understand why.

[This message edited by TheCaterpillar at 4:08 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)]

I didn't realize it was so prevalent.

I never thought my H would cheat.

If he did cheat it would be a deal breaker, I would immediately walk out the door.

I would "get over it" quickly.

That 4 years later I would not still be a physical and emotional mess.

That I would just be angry about what he'd done. I didn't appreciate at all the sense of the world being turned upside down and the constant questioning of what's real. How what you believed was happening when you were at work etc wasn't what was really happening, friends who knew...how that makes you feel like you're living a lie and maybe NOTHING is as it seems.

I believed there were cheaters, and then non cheaters......I thought I would know...I guess I did as an afterthought...

I thought I would walk...not realizing how trapped you feel because of children...

I didn't know your feelings and respect would change forever..I thought if you chose to R, you could get past it all...

I didn't think there would be feelings between AP and spouse.. I thought it was more about not being happy, wanting freedom..more like an exit A.

I didn't know it would take years. and somestimes, never.

This is my second marriage. 32 yrs ..it took me several years to heal from the first divorce...I didn't realize this was normal .. I thought it was because he was a stalker, and harassed for so long. I didn't even understand why I felt like I did in the first D. There are similarities.

I believed him being a strong Christian would keep me safe.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:43 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)]

I had no idea how prevalent infidelity is.

I had no idea how prevalent prostitution is.

I had no idea that infidelity affects every aspect of my life, that it would cause the most gut-wrenching pain I have ever experienced.

I had no idea that it had nothing to do with me.

I had no idea how much it would change me.

Not necessarily a misconception, but before this, I always condemned people who stayed with cheaters. I didn't understand how anyone could stay after that. Now, I understand only too well.

I thought my husband shared the same morals as I do, and that was also a huge misconception.

I also never thought it was as prevalent as it is, but now I know better.

My biggest misconception was that an affair meant it was done. I could never understand how anyone would stay with a cheater. For me it was a deal breaker.

And then it happened to me. And here I am still with the cheater.

My #1 misconception mirrors Cycle's, that an affair spells the end of the marriage. Not just because it's hard to imagine someone would want to stay with a cheater, or why the cheater deserves their M after an affair. I think I thought this way because by and large virtually every instance of infidelity I know of in my life has brought an end to the marriage.

I never, ever thought my WH would cheat on me.

I always thought that I would leave him if he did cheat. I thought I would have the courage to do so.

I never knew that the WS affairs down. I always assumed that the AP would be "better" than the BS in some way(s).

I never knew how prevalent infidelity is.

I knew being betrayed was bad. I had watched my mom go through it with my dad. But I had no idea how emotionally devastating it truly is until I went through it myself.

I had no idea the depth of the pain.

I had no idea how much it would change me.

I had no idea I would stay.