SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's not enough light on the situation.

If most of us hadn't accidentally found this site, I don't think we'd know what to do or say.

Most people think that cheating is a private thing between partners. In that light, not enough information about the devastation it causes is out there readily.

We all know the dangers of texting and driving.

We all know the dangers of smoking, overeating, any number of bad habits.

We know the consequences of cancer (which are devastating as well).

I sat beside my dad as he took his last breath. This is a man who was an excellent Christian and role model. It hurt.

It didn't hurt as bad as the lies from my wife's infidelity!

I stick with the theory that if you haven't been a betrayed spouse, then you can't truly understand it.

That the only thing that could really devastate me emotionally would be losing one of my children. I thought I was strong and could overcome anything. I was completely wrong. I was also completely wrong that my husband could ever cheat on me and that he would ever even consider sleeping with a married woman.

The pain was more than I could have imagined. I thought I knew pain, but I had no idea. Rape, deaths, emotional abuse...these were like papercuts or scraped knees in comparison.

Thanks everyone for sharing from the heart !

This turned out to be quite a useful and informative thread .

At least 95% of the things mentioned on this thread indirectly or directly blames the BS.

I've always told my husband that I would only leave him if he does one of these things: hit me or cheat on me.

I never understood people who stayed with cheaters.

Here I am, 4 weeks since DDay, still with him, trying this thing called R, dealing with the consequences of his 2.5 yr LTA.m

It's an even harder scenario if you have young children.

At least 95% of the things mentioned on this thread indirectly or directly blames the BS.

I believe this stems from the way we respond unconsciously from

"he/she made me feel X " fallacy (not owning our feelings come from within ourselves)

A common understanding is that we each own 50% of the marriage. Then when a WS feels negatively and it is attached unconsciously in their broken mind to "BS made me feel... " the rest of the turdball rolls downhill and it's all the usual excuses we hear about

so yeah, IMO society in its unconscious state makes that same thoughtless connection as if the WS had no control over their crappy response which is why it is so frustrating to only have the "well I was in the same marriage..." comment to mean that the BS had irrational, negative, etc. thoughts and feelings but having healthy boundaries and self-awareness means I don't let my two-year old "I wanna" drive bus...

the whole "blame the BS" mess IMO makes that improper connection to the marriage dynamic

I at first took way too much responsibility. I was there thinking "what did I do wrong?"

What I find comforting is reading here and also experiencing that when the WS and BS takes time to fix their broken/crappy thinking and develops better coping skills = the marriage dynamic improves.

So yeah, before the A I believed the "happy marriages don't experience infidelity"

[This message edited by Merida at 7:45 AM, September 22nd (Friday)]

I used to think that cheating was due to unhappiness in the relationship, a lacking, or not getting needs met.

I used to think I would know if my wife was lying to me.

I used to think it would be fairly simple to "just get over it."

I will give a quick summary of what I got from this thread.

Before the A

The BS must have done SOMETHING to make the WS consider cheating.

That something may be

1) Not enough sex

2) A nag

3) Cold

4) Unsupportive

5)ETC to infinity.

During the A

How can the BS not know that the A is going on ?

How can the BS not spot the signs of an A?

How can the BS not know that they are being lied to ?

After Dday

The BS is dumb for staying with the WS.

The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce.

It is the BS fault when the BS can't "get over it" within a month or less.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:03 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

I never thought my wife would ever do it. Much less 5 times over 3 years.

I never thought I would stay.

I never thought it would hurt this much. More than a death in the family, more than anything I've ever experienced.

I never thought that so many people would be going through the same thing.

I never thought that I would need a place like this so much, or that it would help me so much.

Thanks everyone.

There are plenty of misconceptions about telling the BS too.

"T/J What's your family and friends opinion on telling BS ? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=604145

"Attitudes and misconceptions about telling BS that U hate most? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=609340

What I didn't know...

That I wouldn't leave immediately.

That, at first, I would try to block him from leaving me.

That he didn't physically repulse me afterwards.

The utter devastation it has done to my heart, my soul, my trust.

That it would physically hurt.

I always knew infidelity was wrong and is hurting the BS

i always hated cheaters

I always knew that it had nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with the WS

I did think that meant that the WS was just plain a bad person and a good person would never do it.

I thought that if it happened to me that I would leave immediately. I was wrong.

I thought that when someone cheats that the love would disappear immediately, I was wrong

I did think that BS's that stayed were weak, I still struggle with that as I know I am not weak. I know I am strong for even attempting to R

I thought once a cheater, always a cheater. I have never considered that a cheater could change. Some FWS's in Wayward have proved me wrong on that.....as is my WS so far.

I never thought it would happen to me. never anticipated anything like this happening. i wish I had been right about that.

I thought, because we had a very good marriage, that my WW would never cheat.

I thought because I was supportive of her and strove to be the best husband I could, that it would somehow protect me.

I thought affairs had to do with the BS being terrible (somehow). In our case it's mostly her longstanding issues.

I didn't realize how dangerous emotional affairs could be both to the marriage, and as a gateway to PAs.

I had NO IDEA how painful it would be. I thought it would feel like getting dumped by a girlfriend. It's much worse.

Learning about infidelity, and it's prevalence, is like seeing a new colour. I look at couples on my street who've separated, divorced or remarried, and I see affairs all over. I also look at my buddies and think "Ok, if over 50% of men cheat, which one of you isn't who you seem?"

I also didn't imagine that reconciliation would be possible, in any scenario.

When the A happens to us this is how hurt we feel...

"Being cheated on hurted you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Isn't lovely that so many clueless people blame us for the events that happened leading up to the WS A, during the A, and after DDay ?

Before I got married all my buddies told me that there would come a time in our marriage when I would "look around".

In 40 years I never "looked" at any another girl.

My spouse "knew" we were meant for each other.

She had 4x AP's.

Married couples never survive an A.

I'm trying....

4x of them.

Thanks for this thread. It really helps that others have the same feelings, misconceptions.

I still go to that dark place every once in a while. Why wasn't I pretty enough? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he tell me he wasn't happy? What did i do or not do to cause this? What could I have done to prevent this?

I know the answers but I still go there sometimes.

Thanks for this thread. It really helps that others have the same feelings, misconceptions.

You are most welcomed!

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 11:06 AM, September 26th (Tuesday)]

I had no idea how completely and utterly devastating an affair was to the BS until I experienced it. How that devastation reverberates through every aspect of a BS's life.

I didn't realize how long recovery could take.

I didn't realize just how lonely this road is.

That the guilt and shame that someone would feel the next day after sobering up and realizing that they just risked their entire life as they know it by flirting with and making out with a complete stranger the night before would keep them from taking it to the next level with the same stranger the very next night. Sigh!