SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just spoke to my second attorney. I like him and will go with him if I need to.

The more I think about the more I see what everyone is saying. The funny thing now is I'm not sure I want to stay married to my wife. I see her in such a different light now.

My attorney says wait until after the holidays to file and get a little more clarity. It would also financial work in my benefit the more I drag this out per him.

One of you said I put her on pedestal. That is or now was so true. I see that now and no more. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell the Omw because I don't think it will change my mind. Maybe I'll use it as leverage at our divorce. I will take care of myself the next month and she doesn't come around on her own well I know what the next step is. If I find she is continuing the affair in anyway I will just send her papers.

Tell the OM S wife now, dont wait. You in all likely hood will be pleasantly surprised as to what happens next. A face to face meeting with the OBS is best. Tell no one you are going to to this. Believe me this is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now and its the right thing to do. Stay strong.

My attorney says wait until after the holidays to file and get a little more clarity. It would also financial work in my benefit the more I drag this out per him.

Clarity about what. Most on here say that those that file first have the best leverage. Do you think your wife could file before you do?

How are you monitoring your wife to find out if the affair is continuing.

You have some leverage, like telling HR about this guy, and either way, the OBS has a right to know what her husband is up to.

You are getting good advice here. I agree to tell the OBS NOW! Dont tell your wife , just do it. Honestly if a face to face is unrealistic, over the phone would be ok . I did and it was very effective.

Shock and awe seems to have the best affect imo. They have no time to plot and strategize , or otherwise make you look like a crazy person. You need to have and keep control. Whatever you decide. It will also give you a good idea of where her head is at. And go to HR too.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 3:13 PM, November 18th (Friday)]

The ones who get strong and make their own way come out of these situations the best. Whether it's divorce or reconciliation.

Reconciliation takes 2-5 years of your life with no guarantee and your wayward wife would have to pull a heavy load. Better take that into account before you invest years in this.

You'll be on a rollercoaster for awhile. Feelings will go up and down.

Right now the 180 is your best friend this that play the "pick me dance" or try and nice them back just lower your status by making you look weak.

Men like you have value and worth. Use it!!!!!!!

Your wife not so much. Better start seeing her for who she is.

She may attempt to just be "friends". Friend is honest, loyal, trustworthy. She's not your friend.

On the weekend go your own way. Take the kids somewhere. Leave her out.

Do not worry about pushing her away she's already gone. Move her stuff out of your bedroom. You stay!!!! She cheated and defilrd the marriage you didn't. Get strong and ont take any shit. You are worth more than her.

Other man is just using her for a side piece. He'll dump her after he's finished with her. That's the way these things usually end. Figure out if you still want that. Make no mistake at best you are just plan B

[This message edited by Marc878 at 3:28 PM, November 18th (Friday)]

Tell OBS now. Don't be a chicken. When your wife realizes, after she gets drop kicked by OM, how little she meant to him, she will snap out of her fog.

Tell OBS now. Now.

Oh yeah, and the pedestal thing. Remember that if you put her up there, she has to look down on you. No woman respects, nor feels attracted to, a man she has to look down on.

Time to take some bold steps.

Tell the OBS and do it asap. There is nothing to consider. You owe it to yourself and to her. DO NOT TELL your WW you are doing this or even considering it. JUST DO IT!

Also time for you to demand STD testing. For yourself and your wife. It's a level 1 non-negotiable.

Look, one of the reasons she's screwing another man and continues to be a bitch and treat you like shit is because she can. She doesn't think you'll stand up for yourself. Expose the affair, make some demands, shake up her little fantasy world. Take control of the situation and you'll bein a much better position.

People do not seem to be able to convince you that telling OBS is in your best interest.... as a good guy, you don't want to make anything "worse".

Please look at it from the OBS POV. How awful that she is M to a cheater and no one thinks she deserves the truth. Your WW may not be his only side piece. He may be exposing OBS to STDs. OBS is being kept in the dark, while you have the information that would allow her to know the truth about her life and make her own decisions. Please give her that dignity. The freedom to choose and live her life authentically.

You seem like a truly good guy. Please do the right thing.

Wishing you only the best as you deal with this shitstorm. I'm sorry for your pain. Truly.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 4:57 PM, November 18th (Friday)]

of you said I put her on pedestal. That is or now was so true. I see that now and no more. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell the Omw because I don't think it will change my mind. Maybe I'll use it as leverage at our divorce. I will take care of myself the next month and she doesn't come around on her own well I know what the next step is. If I find she is continuing the affair in anyway I will just send her pape

You are affraid of confrontation. Yet they are blowing you, your life and family up. Your passive manner my be what put you in this delima in the first place.

The high and mighty are more vulnerable than you think. Telling the OMW is the honorable thing to do. No one is going to fix this for you. The truth fixes a lot of things.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 6:57 PM, November 18th (Friday)]

Like you and most of us on this site we said what is the point of telling the OBS. Why even cause the drama.

Let me tell you it is something I never look back and regret telling them. It is the right thing to do and brought reality back into everyones world. I got so many thank you from her because she felt crazy and her suspicions were spot on and felt relief and of course heart break.

Don't hide your wife's APs secret. Do the right thing. Tell her she deserves to know.

By delaying telling the OBS you are allowing the A to just get that much more entrenched and your WW that much farther into the fog. There is a reason WW and OM haven’t had a discussion about leaving their spouses and that reason is that OM is only invested in the sex and has no intention of leaving his wife. I think your WW knows this and is hoping that over time he will come around and then they can be together. Don’t give her any additional time. I’m telling you that informing the OBS is going to kill the A. OM will dump WW like yesterday’s garbage and then she will really see how little he actually cared for her. Will WW be pissed? Initially, but at that point what can she do? She lost plan A and she isn’t going to want to further blow up her life by filing for D and not only lose plan B but have to pay plan B alimony . Especially since you do so many of the duties associated with the children. As it sinks in how OM was just using her she will start coming out of the fog and wanting to R.

Because at this point you only have her confession to the A I believe you should get a VAR and then surreptitiously record a conversation with her about the A. This will come in handy if she later denies ever admitting to an A or that it was a physical A. You should never give the recording to anyone but if needed you could allow the OBS to listen to the recording. In that situation I would hold the VAR and OBS would have to listen through headphones. I would not play it out loud through the device’s speaker.

You have taken a number of correct steps toward getting yourself out of infidelity but telling the OBS is a huge leap in that direction and we are all telling you that it needs to be done. It puts another set of eyes on them to see that the A doesn’t rekindle.

Goodguy, here is the situation spelled out for you (although it seems that you have now woken up):

Your wife has already said to you straight up that she is not in love with you. You don't need any other reason to divorce. This is enough.

Your wife's answers to "do you love the POSOM" and "were you planning to leave me for him" indicated that yes, she did love him (more than you anyway), yes she was hoping to leave you for him if he could sort his shit out, and furthermore the sex with him was good. This should have been clear to you and again no further reasons needed to just dump her a$$.

You seem to have got to this point now.

As for what to get out of this - she earns more than you so you might get alimony. Exposing her at work, while satisfying, might get her fired and this could impact your income. And with you possibly paying out more for child support etc. So if you think she could easily get another job then go ahead. Else ask your attorney's advice.

Exposing to the POSOM's wife is the right thing to do. Blow the bastard's life up. Also it is fair to the wife. Hence yes, without hesitation, do it. She will also be a good source of information and support for you. It will also keep the POSOM busy in dealing with that and he may throw your wife under the bus.

Exposing him at work should get him fired (although it may also get your wife fired - see above).

Get moving on your divorce asap.

Goodguy80, I can tell you as a former OBS in my past shit storm that it absolutely did crush my world to have the affair exposed to me. It was done face to face and with evidence. It was extremely painful for me to read through the XW and the OM messages to each other. My life completely changed.

But I am forever grateful to the OM'S wife for having the courage to reach out to me and giving me one of the most difficult news that one person could give to another. As a result, I was empowered to make a life changing choice in response to my XW'S affair. I chose to divorce my XW and have not regretted it. In fact had I not divorced her I would not have had a chance to meet my new wife, who is a much better woman than my XW could ever hope to be. She has shown me the difference between a woman who wants to be with you as opposed to a woman who only needs to be with you.

Tomorrow will be 5 yrs since my wife told me of her affairs. To this day I hate her. We have two kids and that is the " ONLY" reason I stayed with her. If you can get through this for the kids then they are worth it! It won't be easy at all!!! From my personal experience I would say leave her but don't move out of the house!! I didn't read every post here so I'm just giving my thoughts. I haven't been on here for several years but my D Day is tomorrow so I had feelings springing up.Your choice is your choice so don't let anyone influence your decision.

Tomorrow will be 5 yrs since my wife told me of her affairs. To this day I hate her. We have two kids and that is the " ONLY" reason I stayed with her. If you can get through this for the kids then they are worth it!

Kids are very, very intuitive and will see through this empty shell of a marriage. Kids growing up in a family where one parent hates the other will be far worse off than kids growing up with two parents living separately as amicable co-parents.

By not telling the OBS, YOU, now become a co-conspirator against her along with your cheating wife an the POS OM. Think how she will feel about you, when she ( the betrayed OM s wife) finds out about her husbands affair with your wife an that you had known about it an did not tell her. Your wife of course knows you know about the OM. By not confronting him in some form or fashion YOU look pathetic an weak in your wifes eyes. Iam not telling you to go beat the OM s butt, an get thrown in jail but Iam telling you, you need to tell his wife. An yes it is about getting some revenge but its also the right an moral thing to do. Stay Strong.

Goodguy

To me its not clear what you want and are aiming at.

The advice will be totally different if you have any hope or wish to reconcile or if you are determined to divorce.

What I can’t strongly enough suggest is that you avoid the situation where you remain in infidelity simply “for the kids”.

I have some updates.....

I found out the other married man is a serial cheater and has at least a few other affairs in the 6 years or so since he's been married.

It's been 4 weeks since d-day and I would of done anything to get her back and save my family. Now I think it's in my best interest to divorce although I'm still not certain. I've done the 180 for two weeks and I feel much better about where I am.

She is still pretty distant but cordial. Last week I went out with some buds. She called to see how I was and said she loved me. I said have a good night. When I got home she wanted to know if I told anyone and I said no but I told my best friend. She teared up a little.

I will keep up the 180 until January. I want to make decision with clear head. I starting to realize besides the fact she makes very good money (but I also have a good career and make a good a good salary) she really doesn't do too much else.

She is not showing any remorse and I think she still has affair googles on. I spoke to multiple people professional friends who have experience in this area and they feel it's better to let her grief and come to a decision on her own. They also suggested if things don't improve after the holidays to start disclosing the affair to my family and friends. If she cheats/communicates again it's definitely over. The only rules we have in place now are nc with the affair partner outside of work stuff, keep the affair between us for now, and not talk about it until she wants too. Again I will revisit as to what I want I January.

For those reading this who have been cheated on the 180 is really helps.

My attorney says wait until after the holidays to file and get a little more clarity. It would also financial work in my benefit the more I drag this out per him.

Be careful. The only ones who financially benefit from a long, dragged out divorce are the attorneys collecting the fees.

GG80 - got the STD test results yet? Hers too?