SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Marc's post is correct.

If you see hatred in your wife's eyes, but have done nothing to warrant such hatred, it is because she is still cheating and is demonizing you so she does not feel guilty for her behavior. That pattern is seen time and time again. Wayward's rewrite marital history....rationalize....so they can justify their lying and cheating.

So, recognize the truth, and then decide what you want. If you want to move on but get child custody, file for divorce and use your workplace silence to get the best deal possible.

Good guy,

You need to take some time and figure out what you want. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Can you live with that longterm?

Some can some can't. Recovery takes 2-5 years with the wayward spouse having to pull the heavy load. Is she capable?

If I were you I'd stop doing everything today. She needs to do her share. It should be a 50/50 split

You can waste years with no guarantee in these things.

You'd better put some though into this.

Sorry man but there is no magic pill to fixing these things.

It would be a good idea at this time to at least consult an attorney and see what your rights are. The more knowledge you can get will only help.

Just start figuring out your options.

Get control of your life. You can't control her or fix her. She had to do that but you can contol/fix your end.

Has anyone done this and what was the outcome. I don't want a messy divorce.

Done what? Nice them back? Give them time?

I did. Result? More OMs.

Laid down the law and she kept on? Result? I filed for D.

It was messy, but that was because xW felt entitled to fuck around with OM, not work, go out 4-5 nights a week, get everything I possessed, have me responsible (not just give her $, but actually be responsible for) for her bills. She didn't like it when I told her the gravy train was over and she would have to work.

We know this is painful for you; it was for us as well. But from hard earned experience, we know that action on your part will lessen the time you suffer versus inaction which will only prolong the pain.

My recommendation is start with yourself. What do you want? If you don't know, get help figuring it out. It sounds like you'd R if your W would commit to doing the work she needs to do, and you don't want a messy D.

Look inside. Do you really want R? You might not....

Assuming you want R, your W needs to get a job away from om. You need to tell om's BS, as hard as that is to do. She's entitled to know what kind of man her H is. I recommend telling HR. This executive needs to stop preying on or letting himself be preyed upon by employees. (Your W may lose her job, but she might get a decent sexual harassment settlement. The exec should lose his job, but you might lose yours if he doesn't - but HR needs to be told.)

A remorseful WS answers questions honestly, makes her life an open book, keeps you informed of whereabouts/companions/activities at essentially all times, does IC to change from cheater to good partner, does MC as appropriate, raises current M issues (not past resentments, which no one can do anything to fix) so you can resolve them, etc., etc., etc..

It sounds like your W isn't there at this point. I suggest confronting her and giving her requirements for R. If she agrees to meet them, great; if not, well, that's great, too, in a way.

I knew pretty quickly that I wanted my W to love me, to be in love with me, and to agree to be monogamous until one of us dies. She never said ILYBINILWY, but if she had said it, if she didn't think those 3 things were in the cards for her, I wanted out, even though I was 66. You're much younger - don't subject yourself to years and years and years of a W who is not IL with you.

IMO, you need to get down to your real desires - R vs D, requirements ofr R, consequences for not meeting the requirements if you choose R, how to do the D if you choose D, how long you're willing to wait for your W to get off the fence.

This is a crisis in your life. Only you can resolve it.

There are a lot of different voices on SI. It's up to you to decide what advice to follow. I guess Rule 1 of SI is 'adhere to the guidelines.' Rule 2 is, 'Take/adopt what makes sense to you; ignore the rest.'

For the record, I, too, recommend giving your W a choice between your M and D fairly soon, but it's up to you. I, too, think nicing her back won't work.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:56 PM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

I'd highly advise you to gather evidence if you haven't and store it in a safe place. You may need it later.

How much time do I give her to open up and start the process of healing.

You don't, the longer you sit and do nothing the worse things will get for you.

She is in no shape to R right now so don't fool yourself into thinking you are fixing anything because you are not. She isn't afraid of you leaving apparently so she is not really motivated to work on the M (why would she, there are no consequences for her actions).

You need to listen to what people are telling you and take her to the edge of divorce. Only around 50% of the people that file go through with it (I have a filings still and been in R for years). You need to put her feet to the fire and get angry or else you are going to get walked on. Cheaters don't respect passive BSs. If you want her to beg for you to take her back she has to know you are out the door.

Both BH and WW work at the same company.

Hostile work environment? Sexual harassment?

Friend, you HAVE to see a lawyer. Messy doesn't begin to describe the situation your WW has put you in. Even your livelihood is on the line.

Protect yourself.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:33 PM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

She loves me but not in love with me.

Goodguy80

When I read the above I always think that they love you like a father or brother. They have a division of labor going on. They have you for stability and security and a boyfriend for fun. Think of her as your teenage daughter that’s dating a boy you don’t approve of. She wants to keep her bedroom at home and sneak out of her window at night. She had a great life until she was caught.

I never thought she could be malicious but I see a hate in her eyes sometime towards me.

Goodguy80

This is when she’s the teenage girl and you’re her dad keeping her from her boyfriend. She knows she can’t move in with her boyfriend so dad’s an ass.

Other times she seems normal and we joke.

Goodguy80

This is when you’re her brother and she’s enjoying family life.

I just spoke to an attorney - feel better I will be ok if we go the divorce route.

What specifically should I demand of my wife when we have the convo about trying to R or else divorce?

Advice is worthless if you don't use it.

You are doing extremely well early.

Keep it up.

There is s lot of good info here. Read up.

I never thought she could be malicious but i she a hate in her eyes sometime towards me.

Compare it to a four-year-old that got caught stealing cookies.

They knew what they were doing was wrong, because they'd been told not to do it, and they broke their promise not to do it.

But they still make ugly / hateful faces at the person who caught and punished them by taking away the cookies. Usually when that person isn't looking.

So sorry you are here but in your position this site can be a life & marriage saver.

You need to inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse) and be ready to share your proof with her. Exposing the A to the OBS is one of the fastest ways of killing the A. OM will likely throw your WW under the bus and scramble to save his own M. He already will be paying alimony to wife #1 and won't want to add additional alimony by trading wife #2 for a woman who has already shown that she will cheat on her husband. That type of woman is perfect for an affair but not to marry.

You need to be strong. You are the prize, nor her who is a cheating wife nor him a cheating husband. Let her know that if she isn't ready to make a choice then from your standpoint she has chosen him and you are moving on to D.

Please read up on the 180:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

It is designed to give the betrayed spouse strength.

So sorry you are here but in your position this site can be a life & marriage saver.

You need to inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse) and be ready to share your proof with her. Exposing the A to the OBS is one of the fastest ways of killing the A. OM will likely throw your WW under the bus and scramble to save his own M. He already will be paying alimony to wife #1 and won't want to add additional alimony by trading wife #2 for a woman who has already shown that she will cheat on her husband. That type of woman is perfect for an affair but not to marry.

You need to be strong. You are the prize, nor her who is a cheating wife nor him a cheating husband. Let her know that if she isn't ready to make a choice then from your standpoint she has chosen him and you are moving on to D.

Please read up on the 180:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

It is designed to give the betrayed spouse strength.

Priority #1 ^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^

Kill the affair, they live and thrive in secret fantasy land where reality doesn't exist. Bring both actors back to reality!!!!! They are married and had an affair.

Priority #2 - Demand full accountability, transparency, full honesty and timeline, and absolute no contact whatsoever!

If she can't afford or agree to any of priority #2 then obviously she is choosing herself and her affair over your marriage and you. Easy choice proceed with D. Sometimes it takes willingness to lose the marriage to save it.

[This message edited by sneaker at 3:27 PM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

Mate ALL divorces are messy

tell his wife.

What specifically should I demand of my wife when we have the convo about trying to R or else divorce?

Start reading the library and decide what are key parameters YOU need to begin to trust her again.

Here's the BS FAQ: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

(there's a lot in the healing library).

Here's a specific article on what the WS/BS need to do to reconcile. It's a good place for you to start:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

One other thing - you aren't "demanding" your W do anything. You are simply stating your conditions for you to even think about staying in this marriage.

Only she can choose to actually do those things; you can't control her to do them.

What you can control are your actions - the consequences of her actions. If she meets them, you consider R; if she chooses not to, then you are walking away.

A big issue with cheaters is that they generally have an entitlment mentality - they should get what they want. They are unfamiliar with the concept that actions have consequences. You need to show her that her actions have consequences. That means you make it very clear what your expectations are and what the consequences of her not meeting those expectations would be. And then make sure that you follow through - failing to do so just gives the WS a green light to do it again.

(NB: This does not mean you get to be lord and master over her - your expectations should be reasonable. Check the healing library, or with us, on what reasonable is (it may not be reasonable with WW. But tough shit))

[This message edited by WornDown at 4:12 PM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

I just spoke to an attorney - feel better I will be ok if we go the divorce route.

See, knowledge is power.

You aren't completely frozen with fear about what would happen to you in a divorce. That gives you power to start making decisions about what you want out of this marriage.

I'm thinking about doing it in a letter to make sure I get everyone I want to say across. Thoughts?

Read WornDown's post, item #5. It hits the big points.

If divorcing, give her a letter. If considering R, then read her the letter and give it to her. She needs to hear you.

Call the OBS ASAP and blow it all up from the other side. You will be amazed at how the whole entire emotional landscape of the shit circus changes instantly, and you will know you controlled it. You are controlling your destiny, not her.

Power, my friend!