SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Roger that DaL.

What are you doing about tonight? Are you detaching? The 180 can be an extremely useful tool for you at this point

The way it was revealed, she accidentally let slip she was out that night. I asked her about it immediately and she denied it. I asked her again and she SWORE she wasnt out that night.

I went to call the babysitter on it and she blurted out "YES OK I WENT OUT WITH HIM"

"um, I was about to put that in my timeline tonight. I forgot about it. I was always going to tell you"

usual bullshit.

Yikes. She was caught while in the process of lying. She was lying about the lie.

Yep. Agreed on the bullshit. And there is still more TT to come. I think everyone has been telling you that (thus all the polygraph talk). It's way too early for your WW to be a safe partner or even to change her lying habits.

For right now you can't listen to your WW or believe anything she says. That will take a lot of time and right now your head is a mess. Thus the bottle.

You need to get your head straightened out first before anything else. That means stop engaging WW for now. Read up on the 180 and learn to detach from the situation and focus on YOU. You can't be bothered with what's going on over in WW land right now.

So I ask you again, what is on the agenda for tonight. How are you going to take care of you without the bottle? Or if you have to with the bottle but not in the home... like a hotel room or something?

yop

From a legal standpoint, your drinking can and will be used against you.

Read the 180.

Go fishing.

Take the kids to a movie.

Step away from the bottle.

ETA....Read YOP's advice. It's gold

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:57 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

I'm not drinking. I dont have enough coke for my vodka... (didnt expect to need it)

You guys keep saying "there's more to come". I never believe it but it's always true. But I'll never get to a stage where I believe she's told me everything. There will always be more. It never ends.

If I do a poly and she fails, she'll just come up with "Oh I forgot about this one other guy" then it'll be another £800 for another poly. and another and another. We're a one-income family (she's a stay at home mum) and we're already wallowing in debt.

She was given a red line. No more deceit. No more lies. No more hidden truths.

She didnt last a day. If I give her just one more chance then she'll walk over me forever with her bullshit.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 2:35 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

If it shows deception on the poly than it's not "I forgot about this guy" but "I didn't tell you about this guy" which is a lie - and thus you D.

Good start with putting down the bottle.

I hear ya on the rest of it DaL. You're talking to a guy that has had more dday than I can count. It may have been my mom but after I caught her cheating the first time, wasn't so hard to catch her by times 6, 7, 8, 10... whatever the fuck it was. And this was my mum I'm talking about. Infidelity is some fucked up shit. I was the one that had to tell my father every fucking time. After a while it was, "mom is at aunt's house fucking AP again. What do you want for dinner?" No joke. And there was always more lies. My mother never worked to become a safe partner. For anyone especially to herself. My mother is a world class liar.

I would say the verdict is out on your WW at this point in the long run. Yes, most of the time there is always more TT. Especially when someone has spun a web of lies so thick they don't know what reality is.

My point on that is my friend, you can't be bothered with your WW right now. You really need to detach and get your head on straight which is easier said than done. Take it baby steps. Putting the bottle down was a very good one for tonight. Try not to touch it again. But focus on you and your needs for now. Plan on what to do for tomorrow. Like the gym, a walk. or anything outside of this fucked up situation.

Doesn't mean you can forget about STI testing or seeing a solicitor to know your rights. Those are still mandatory steps in getting out of infidelity. Which may or may not include your WW unless you know that you are truly done. The lying and TT is most often the marriage killer.

But you don't have to worry about poly's and the long run today. Forget about that for now and focus solely on you. When you start to feel better, then process what you want to do next. I guarantee that this shit battlefield will change minute to minute for a while.

But keep talking we are listening.

And oh yeah... what about the kids? Plan something this weekend with just you and them. Time away from WW with just them may be just what the Dr. ordered.

Fuck her noise for now.

yop

Forget about that line that you put down for now. No ultimatums for a bit. She will surely only fuck up more.

STI testing

See solicitor

Plan event with kids for weekend

Focus on you

WW? WW who?

Did you read that 180 yet?

yop

eta - spelling

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:50 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

D&L I am so sorry. It just gets to me when a WS keeps lying and will lie until there isn't a way out do they tell the truth. She lied about a lie and then tried to minimize it after the fact. Then said it will come out in the timeline which magically has not been created or given to you yet. Yeah, right. It would have been done tonight.

I would demand a poly.

I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself. Alcohol helps numb the pain, but it doesn't make it go away. Keep your wits about you.

You need to detach from her. The fact that you were trying to get her to spend some time with you at the hotel, but she declined in favor of meeting one of her OMs for coffee. . .

Jesus that has to hurt.

Left her kids with a sitter to meet OM . . .people can be so cruel to the people they supposedly "love."

She does not understand what she has done and is definately not owning her shit. She is still acting in HER best interest not yours. There is no remorse there.

Selfishness, pure selfishness with little care to who they hurt.

You need to start protecting yourself and your kids. She only cares about herself right now.

The polygraph is not for the past, it is for the future. She reminds me a lot like a crack addict. Did you ever know a crack head personally? The mannerisms, the phrasing, the minimizations, the inabilty to lie well.

Anyway, it's so easy for me to see the lies, it's a desperate kind of lying, carooms from one side to another. Two days ago she was fervently throwing gasoline all around the house and maniacally setting it on fire, now she suddenly is desperately trying to squelch

the flames. Can't you see it? She wants to tell a good lie, but she just can't and she keeps giving herself up.

I think she still is in contact or plans to. She has set up back channel communications.

I wrote this before, then my computer crashed and I had some stuff to do. So hopefully you can see it.

She is not a monster, but the effect is even worse. Doubt you'd be as upset if an enemy was trying to hurt you like this. She came here with you to manage you.

Any number of posters can spot this easily enough because true reconcilers make amends. Deleting all texts, then handing over to you and claim all done, never again, is false relief. The cheater would have taken other methods, so the phone you're given is clean. Maybe a burner phone now.

I don't even care about past lies. It's the trying to manage you is the issue. Plus with her drag race to hell then dtsg race back to save heaven shows is just two different methods to obtain the same result - to keep the one other man she is emotionally attached to.

I give her this, she is persistent.

I used to visit a "how to cheat" forum. Number one rule - deny, deny, deny.

No intercourse. Only oral. 8 different guys, none wanted more. Was so promiscuous to have 8 guys, but so virtuous she refused intercourse. Because THAT would have been wrong.

I'm so sorry.

And..yes...she knew she was caught..And tried to lie her way out of it..And couldn't. That means there's more you don't know,more she's lying about.

OM,who meet their OW on hook up sites don't meet to give legal advice. That's not what that meeting was for. And..even if it was..And that's a big if...how fucked up is it that she went to one of the men she cheated on you with to get legal advice about a divorce or separation?

File and be done with it.

Last 2 posts made me laugh. Thanks for that.

You need to tell her that you already know for a fact that they had sex. Tell her that you are not going to reveal your sources but you already know a lot of what has been going on. Her choices are:

1. She can refuse to take a poly and you will file for D.

2. She continues her lies, takes the poly, fails it and have wasted the £800 cost. You will file for D.

3. She tells the truth no matter how bad it looks or how painful it will be to you and passes the poly hoping that you will be willing to try to reconcile your marriage. This is the only choice that gives the marriage a chance.

Most of the time it isn't the actual cheating that kills the marriage but is the continued lying and TT in the aftermath. The betrayed spouse feeling that they will never be able to believe ANYTHING their spouse tells them.That there will never be a foundation on which trust can start to be rebuilt.

Dude,

Just want to give you some additional perspective on the TT.

Getting the truth out of a WW is like conducting an exorcism. It is a PROCESS.

You are still early. You are getting more demons out than many unfortunate BSs who are gaslighted for months.

Yes she probably had intercourse with her friends husband. Maybe some others, maybe not.

Don't beat yourself up. Don't get devastated at each new revelation. Like I said it is a process. Set yourself a date/goal by which you get the truth.

And about your WW and her lies. She is possessed by her lies. A demon. She is both protecting herself from being accountable and also protecting herself from the truth. It is a form of denial. She does not want the truth to be real. She WANTS to believe her own lies. She herself can't handle the truth. Over time she can't tell the difference.

I can tell you from my own experience.

I am 5 YEARS from dday. I visited a city this past weekend where she had a couple of her trysts. It was a trigger. Spawned some discussions. Yes more TT. She admitted she lied 5 years ago about two details. One was when the PA started. She keep up the lie because she did not want to think that she had 'lost' those months from us being a family. Didn't really phase me too much, as I kinda figured she was lying. But lets just say, that 5 years later, it was still like getting blood from stone. See, she herself did not want to believe it was true.

Unfortunately, he shared this site with her, so bluffing to get the truth won't work. She's reading this thread.

Ive got hold of the OM's email address. He's a high flying financial advisor.

I emailed him asking him telling him who I am and whether he wants to chat over email or he wants me to come to his office tomorow?

He wants to chat over email.

Ive asked him how many times they met. What happened etc. Waiting a reply any sec.

Meanwhile WW is in next room writing up timeline. Here's hoping it matches up. She's met this one 4 times now (3 times this morning). Wanna bet it's more than 4?

Clock is ticking.....

Coke and vodka!

But seriously .... poly. She's lying. We've read a thousand stories like yours and we know that you don't meet random guys from websites for just oral.

Curious to see what you get. Just remember that AP's just as big a liar as your WW. He could give you a shite number too

yop