SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

dude, you cover for her at every point.

At what point in time are you going to cover for yourself and defend yourself from her ?

She's upstairs right now. She just registered on the website. She might post on the other forum.

Glad to know that she registered. The WS that post there are straight forward with their advice just as the BS here are with their advice.

I will advise you not to go looking at her posts and the comments she receives unless she directly asks you.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, my wife has had 8 APs that she's admitted. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more, but I have no interest in digging further. She's still wayward in mentality. And she's bipolar, with a tendency toward hyper sexuality when manic. So, this ain't just you, friend.

Your wife will never be safe until she figures out why she had the urge, why she could break vows, and why she can lie--and then fixes each piece of brokenness of her own volition. Maybe three percent of wayward will do the work.

Mine didn't. And as she is a delusional unmedicated bipolar she probably can't. My choices were divorcing her or controlling her.

We both agreed to the latter. We did divorce and remarry. We have prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. All assets are mine. I control all of my money. She does not work and has little money if her own. She has GPS on her phone, and in all our cars, and I have all passwords.

So, just foreshadowing your options. Either she makes the real effort at the real work (and she probably won't), or she allows you to be her jail warden, or you divorce her.

Just for giggles, ask her about whether she is willing to do the postnuptial agreement and monitoring. If she says yes and embraces it, then maybe she has what it takes to do the work.

Women who are as promiscuous as our wives typically have remarkably low self esteem, or were molested or raped, or are hyper sexual due to mental illness. She needs to see a shrink as a starting point to figure out her "why's".

[This message edited by PlanC at 9:55 PM, January 2nd (Monday)]

I'm sure you've heard this quite a bit already, but her decision to cheat was hers alone.

but she's a fantastic mom and if I had been there for her this might not have happened.

Despite you saying you don't blame yourself, you are doing just that. It took me a long time to realize that my ex and I were both responsible for the problems in our marriage, but he alone chose to cheat...twice!

She can be a fantastic mom and a fantastic friend, but she failed as a wife, needs to own it 110%, get counseling and work through this with you. I hope it all works out, and i'm sorry you're here.

And please remember, everything everyone says here they say because they've been there. This website saved my life years ago, and being able to help instead of succumb to this crap is something everyone here is doing

Remember how everyone here was right when they said there was more going on?

Well I can guarantee you they are right about everything else.

This. You feel inclined to protect your WW. Which is understandable but a mistake. Unless she suffers some concrete consequences for her actions, there's really nothing to prevent her from doing this again.

She cheated on you with 8 guys, many of them sexually, and you're not only giving her a second chance, you're protecting her, taking the blame for what SHE decided to do 100% on her own, are willing to go to MC, and so on and so forth.

You're giving her a great gift. Most people would not be so lucky. But when you give it too quickly, too easily, without getting much concrete back in return besides crocodile tears and no genuine remorse? You're setting yourself up for a failed or false reconciliation.

While it sounds like you guys do need MC, I think you should put that on hold until your wife gets some IC under her belt. It sounds like you guys have issues that could be addressed in MC. But again, your wife cheated on you with multiple men in a pretty short time frame. She put you and your children at risk. Like someone else said, good parents don't do what she did. There is something wrong with HER that needs to be addressed on an individual level.

I also think you should give yourself a few months at least (6 would be better) before you decide to really commit yourself to reconciling or divorcing. Because your emotions are going to be all over the place for awhile. Your regular affair takes 2 - 5 years to recover from, but your situation is in some ways worse.

However, it sounds like you're doing pretty good so far, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it from your position.

But please, I think you have your wife on a bit of a pedestal that it doesn't sound like she ever really deserved to be on. No one gets cheated on and immediately stops loving their partner or starts to hate them. If that was the case forums like this wouldn't really be necessary. Love alone isn't enough to make a relationship work though, let alone a marriage affected by infidelity.

And you still need to go through with the polygraph.

[This message edited by JS84 at 10:01 PM, January 2nd (Monday)]

Dude, I am so sorry. You will be ok in the long run.

Was her friend's husband OM #1? If so, all the other guys might be some type of self-harming thing as a consequence of the nature of the first betrayal.

When your WW leaves the house she can put the app back on her phone then take it off before she gets home.

You will not win this game of cat and mouse. Dont play. Take away her smart ph one and let her have a phone that can only call and text.

and finally, the best friend's husband has been given 2 hours to tell his wife everything. She is a lovely girl who does not deserve this misery, and fine if she wants to hate me for revealing this, but she has a goddamned right to know. (2 hours was up 3 hours

Sorry you are here my man. But the only way you are going to get thru this is with a clear head. Booze will create some major problems. You need to face the fact that your WW is a serial cheater period. Very difficult to change.

If you can continue with knowing that your WW is going to continue to have sex with other men then you are in the right M for you. After all its all your fault right.

If your going to draw a line in the sand then follow your plans. To do otherwise show s weakness and is not something you want to be during this shit storm. You need to be strong for you and your kids.

As one of my buddies said while I was going thru my revelations was "suck it up buttercup".

After 2 hours and 1 minute the OBS phone, email, registered mail & doorbell would have been going off at the same time.

Sending strength my man.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 1:27 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday)]

Your wife may have started cheating because she felt an attention deficit but she seems to have fallen quickly into some very addictive and self destructive behaviour. There may possibly be abuse in earlier life, certainly there are other self negating issues to dig into.

She needs separate counselling from you.

Ya you really need to talk to OBS yourself. Trust me that guy either told her nothing or minimized, blameshifted, trickle truthed, and gas lit his wife because he was allowed to tell her whatever he wants. And the one who sets the narrative, no matter how accurate or false, tends to control it. He has no incentive to be anymore honest than your wife has been.

Head a bit more clear today. I'll lay off the booze for now. Got into quite a bad state last night, but i wont go into that.

Havent slept. Havent eaten. Still waiting for the world to swallow me up

WW has posted in the other forum now. Dont know if I said this before but I have full access to everything, social media, bank accounts, email etc, and she has answered every question I've thrown at her over the last 12 hours.

I'm not walking away but we're not sure what will happen. Will keep you posted.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:49 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Listen, you are getting some advice from adultery EXPERTS on here. They have been here for YEARS helping others. Look at the bottom of their posts. You can see what year they joined SI and how many posts they have written. I swear there are posters here FAR more educated about affairs than most IC and MC. Take the collective experience from these posters (Bigger, Years of Pain, TushNurse, wk55hn, confused15, Crushed7, Western, and especially in this case, you should listen to PlanC) and heed their advice. They KNOW what they are talking about. Your WW is not a special little snowflake. We see stories everyday about cheating on here, and frankly your WW's sctions are WORSE than most.

STOP blaming tourself for her affairs. Whatever you did or did not do in the marriage may have been grounds for counseling, or maybe even divorce, but it WAS NOT grounds for her to have extramarital affairs with EIGHT other men. Get it?

Cheaters have a pattern. It is easy for veteran posters to see when someone new arrives on the board. That is how people knew to tell you that you didn't yet know everything. It is how we know to tell you that your WW is having Regret, not true remorse.

Reconciliation will be a long, hard road. If that is what you want, just know that rugsweeping the damage that has been done will kill reconciliation every,single.time. You have to face this head on. Your WW has to find remorse. She has to dig into her "whys". It is brutally hard work. It is not for the faint of heart.

I can't remember if you have been to the doctor yet, but STD tests are an absolute MUST. Having sex in cars with random strangers from the interntet is VERY RISKY behavior.

[This message edited by Ginny at 5:09 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday)]

DaL, like everyone else has stated, this situation SUCKS! You are in the right place.

Your wife may not be a horrible person, but the fact of the matter is that you don't know who she is now. The wife you knew is dead and gone. She has been replaced by a much uglier, crueler, version. The one you know now, lies, cheats and only heaven knows what else.

I've read your entire thread. She is not receiving abuse here. You are receiving some wake up calls.

Go see your doctor about STDs. More importantly, ask about anxiety or depression meds. Don't be embarrassed. You did none of this. This is all on her. I know that there is no way you are sleeping right now. Tell your dr. They've heard and seen all of this before and can prescribe you something to sleep.

Do you have anyone you can talk to besides here? Your story isn't quite like mine, but you need real life friends. My mother was awesome. My preacher (who is like a brother) was as well.

You may need to tell a supervisor at work. They will notice your performance. I had some very understanding supervisors and was able to handle my business without consequences.

The best thing I ever did was to bring this affair to light. I told everyone. Guess what? I'm still married and don't regret it. Your wife can handle it. Right now she's playing the poor me card. Don't buy it! More eyes on her, means less chances to cheat. Be sure to tell all of the other spouses as well. Don't rely on the OMs to do it. Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie. They can't be trusted.

One red flag for me in your post, which I haven't seen anyone touch on, is the extra email accounts.

NO NO NO! This is how my wife carried out 2 affairs and tried to restart the first one, before I caught her.

I'm glad you realize the booze isn't helping. Stay away from that. In the long run, if you divorce, she can use that against you. Plus, you're already depressed enough right?

I know you can't see a light right now, but it does get better. I'm 9 months or so out and this is one big crap sandwich to eat.

Sounds as if she has toxic friends (You're a schmuck for overreacting to one affair). This same friend wouldn't say that if it were them.

This friend needs to be gone for this marriage to work.

People who have never gone through this can not ever know the pain we suffer. You are grieving 2 losses right now. The loss of your wife and your marriage. This grief is worse than death, because the betrayer is still there.

I'm praying for you as are many others. Whenever you need to, post on here. Someone is probably having the same problems you are. We are in your corner. 50,000+ members and unfortunately growing stronger every day.

Stay strong, you've got this.

She's still lying.

Book the polygraph and follow through.

Book the polygraph and follow through.

It will remove the angst of wondering whether you've had the entire truth yet.

DazedandLost

How are you doing today? Hang in there, you can make it through this. There are some very smart people on this site and want to help you get through this smoothly and quickly. I wish I would have come here the 1st day I walked in on my Ww taking nude photos in our bathroom. I would have saved a lot of time and reduced my misery.

Unlike your WW mine didn't stop right away and I went into win her back mode. Big mistake, I like you blamed myself, played the pick me dance. FAIL FAIL FAIL.

The only thing that stop my WW was the threat of exposure to her employer. By the grace of God the OBS of one of the men my WW was sexting with got into her WH's phone and started collecting evidence of the affair between him and my WW. She sent some of what she collected to me and threatened to send ALL of it to her employer's HR department because she was doing the sexting at the office, on the clock.

That made her stop, not me begging and dying from the betrayal, but her ass was on the line.

Anyway I'm done and have filed and feel so so much better.

Hang in there, you will make it through.

As far as the cockroaches go, now that you know, if she continues to meet them, likely you will pick up on it sooner rather than later. There have been other threads here like yours, but not that many. But there is an addictive behavior of it, and the wives in the other ones did get emotionally attached to at least one of the guys. Thus the mythical infidelity "closure" that ends in sex and more meetups.

I think your wife will have anger and resentment for you for stopping her relationships with these guys. They are part of her life now. She is attached with varying degrees to each of them. She doesn't want to just end. It is not logical, but that is a feeling.

Raising my hand one of those (bold) that have BTDT.

I can tell you this from my experience:

Your WW may have not been "happy," but it wasn't because of you, or the kids or anything else. It was because she has this hole inside her that she tries to fill with external validation. She is getting that from the attention of other guys.

(You even said she told you this: "that I wasnt giving her the love or attention she needed" What is enough? Had you said "I love you" just one more time she wouldn't have cheated? Ten times? a thousand? Do you see how this is an impossible goal to hit? That is a moving goal post, that she can always say "You missed it. Not enough.")

She has figured out that she can trade sex for the validation ("you're hot" "your amazing" etc.). In her mind, its a cheap deal, and one worth doing.

As wk55 said, where there is one, there is more. That's because she's been putting out feelers to every guy she's met. Most guys probably don't respond, but the one's that do...

Look back. I bet you'll see that your WW likes to flirt a lot. Always talks to new people at the bar (most are men, right? - Common statement: "I just seem to get along better with men."). Those are the feelers. But that takes work. She's got to go out, met a dozen guys just to find one that will bite.

But dating sites? Craigslist? anonymous hook up sites? Holy shit! Life just real easy for her to find her fix.

And as others have described it as addiction behavior, I agree. Like the alcoholic who started with a little beer/weed (flirting), that eventually stopped giving her the validation. So it became liquor (sexting), then pills (sex) then heroin (hook ups with random guys in the bathroom, off the internet). As Axel said, "I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do, so the little got more and more"

(once, with my WW's 1st OM, I asked why she did it? why him? Her response, "Because he said I was hot." Me: I say that all the time. Her: But he wasn't you.

See, she needed/wanted a bigger fix.)

Your WW has very deep mental issues that she needs to work out before she can be a safe partner, or engage in MC. She needs to understand what broke inside of her, AND FIX IT, before you can think of R. Does that mean you have to file for D right now? No, but you need to watch her ACTIONS very closely. Like any addict, they will straighten up for a little while, but without true change, will revert right back to their bad ways.

ETA: I just read your WW's post in Wayward. Everything she's described about her looking for validation and the ease of getting it on the net is what I described above. She needs IC much more than MC (as do you). Good luck.

[This message edited by WornDown at 12:05 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)]

Hi DaL. How are you feeling today?

What is the one step that you want to take today to get out of infidelity?

There are several listed. (start using the 180, book an appt with a solicitor, STI appt, IC appt, etc).

Then what is the plan for tomorrow? What would the next step be?

And so on...

Just don't sit and not do anything. Keep moving forward. You need to keep moving to get out of infidelity.

You can do this!

yop

Please do not allow your wife to call the wife of the men she was with. That's something you need to do..not her. No BW wants to hear that news from the woman who was with their husband. It's cruel. You need to call them,be kind, be honest, and if they ask to speak to your wife, hand her the phone. But that death blow shouldn't be delivered by your wife.