SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would agree with the inhouse separation, at least for a time, though I'm a very pro-R guy, and this is no exception.

Your WW is still in the fog, she's saying some of the right things and doing some of the right things, but she is hedging her bets "just in case".

She needs to know this isn't acceptable, so the inhouse situation would be good, while also doing a hard 180.

If she is not working then she needs to, and full time to pay down your bills...don't let her sit on her ass while you continue to fund her new life, put her to work full time or more if possible, that way you will not be on the hook for as much support if you do eventually D.

Why do you need a hotel room for a blowjob?

The lying isn't slowing down.

What to do? I would get a consultation for divorce. I would stop talking with her, it is counter productive. Let her start writing her missive. Stay away from her as much as possible. Ask her to get a job to chip in on the huge debt you have. Detach. Detach. Detach. Distance yourself from her.

This is headed south fast. I get the feeling the biggest lies are still yet to come. Prepare yourself mentally.

I get the impression that you don't know half of it. This goes back a lot further than you are aware. People don't suddenly have the impulse to cheat and then go all out as your WW is suggesting. I know from experience. My story has many similarities. My SAWH's acting out goes back to his teenage years. It didn't suddenly start as he first claimed.

IMO you should take total control of the finances and take away her mobile phone and laptop. If she's not working she doesn't need them. Period.

I think moving into the granny flat is a good idea, to give yourself some space.

Interesting that she claims she told you everything..this was not TT..But has yet to retract that lie. No mention of the two blow jobs after dday.

She will learn pretty quickly that the people on this site aren't stupid..And we're not clouded by our feelings for her..so we see things very clearly.

I think the worst part of this is how she convinced you that you were to blame for this. I'm so sorry. That's some major abuse she's pouring over you.

I know you know think you know she hasn't spoken to any of the OM, because you have her phone. But a burner phone is easy to get. I'd start looking around for one.

Well at this point it's just a matter of running up the score. Dozens and dozens of meetings with bJ and sex. You can;t count fast enough to keep up with her "remembrances".

I think I would just tap out as you have had more than enough of your "new" wife's actions and "but wait, there's more...". Your old wife disappeared the first time she sucked or f*cked another guy.

Unless the next TT is that she's been doing this forever is there some psychological explanation like a brick fell on her head or bad meds for such behavior?

Maybe she will calm down and you can find a way to work out of this mess, until then try to do what's best for you and the kids, 180 her and let her stay in the granny flat. Your story is very very sad.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]

Try to talk to lawyers who offer free consultations. I think some won't charge you for an hour or so. It might make it easier to make long term decisions if you have a clearer understanding of what comes with them.

Can't remember if you are doing MC now or not, but if you are or were planning to then you might as well save your time and money. She's still lying and obviously needs some serious IC.

An in house separation is probably your best bet. I agree with whoever said how your wife feels about the matter is irrelevant. You need to make yourself and your children your top priority. Your wife has made it pretty clear who her main priority is (hint: It's not you or your kids).

And again I am going to recommend you go through with the polygraph. There's a difference between feeling that you know the entire story and just being afraid/tired of learning of more lies and betrayals and not wanting to hear anymore. I feel like you're the latter.

Now if you feel that this is it, you're done with the marriage and don't want to know anything else than I wouldn't bother. But if you still think there's a chance to salvage this, than you need the entire story. And it doesn't sound like your wife is going to give anymore than she feels she can get away with. Rug sweeping, trickle truth, minimizing, etc do not work when it comes to reconciliation.

Dear friend DazedandLost

What happens to you is really tragic, I understand you when you say that your wife is dead and that at your side is a monster.

Just set aside alcohol, and get in touch with a divorce lawyer. Think about your children and look at the results of the sexual disease checkup.

It's hard but it would be good if you put a list of all the lies you discovered about your wife's infidel. Hugs at the moment

I suspect that this string of infidelities is connected to the trauma of her childhood sexual abuse. There's a desperation to it - to go from normal wife to numerous internet hook ups - is it true that she quit IC once the counsellor tried to address her childhood sexual abuse? This behaviour could be her unhealthy attempt to numb those memories. Doesn't make it okay or lessen your pain one bit - but if this is the case then her trauma hasn't gone away, she hasn't suddenly learned healthy coping mechanisms - she's still a broken woman trying to keep it together with extremely dangerous and self destructive methods.

My advice is to pull a hard 180 and detach until she's had some in depth counselling that addresses her childhood and she can start learning some self soothing techniques that won't further destroy herself or her family.

I agree 100% with sassylee here...she needs some intense therapy for her issues.

The only question is if you can try to support her through this, or will it be too much for you due to her recent actions.

Only you can determine that, but I would recommend taking some time, stepping back...do the inhouse separation and a slightly modified 180 (she will need support for her medical and therapy needs), this will allow you to see her progress daily.

You also need to work on you. Get away from any and all alcohol, get to your doctor for checkups, get into IC, eat right, etc.

You can't fix her, only she can do that, but you can be there to support her if you choose to...this does not equate to complete forgiveness, a clean slate, etc, just that you are willing to support her while she gets real help.

This also does not mean that you would somehow be obligated to forego the divorce at any point later if you choose...it would simply be you offering a cheritable and supporting hand through her therapy, in spite of the terrible things that she has done.

If she offers her contrition, respond with benevolence.

Remember that your wife is not really "dead", but is indeed very sick, let her try to get well before you make any major decisions.

I believe you can recover deleted whatsapp messages from iPhones with Teensafe. I'm sure this will be wonderful news for your wife because now she can prove that she didn't have intercourse with these men. It may also be beneficial to look into her google search (browser, maps, etc) history; assuming she doesn't see this first and wipe it.

If your wife is regularly meeting with no less than 8 other men just to blow them in parking lots, including after being discovered by you, then she very well may be a sex addict - and a generous one at that! The thing you have to remember is that addicts lie...

I told someone else what I'm going to tell you. You are in an "open marriage". The only thing is you didn't know she had declared an "open marriage" and therefore she was the only one participating. What would she think if you started participating too? I would bet she wouldn't like that at all. Ask her. With all the advice you are still the one that holds this marriage in your hands. Yes she has TT you but if she really loves you and/or wants to stay in the marriage you must realize that she is in self preservation and is going to say only that which she believes will keep things together. As much as the BS wants the complete truth they need to realize that rarely does it come out the first time around. Expect that you will have to drag the truth out one day at a time. I read where one man didn't get the whole truth until 30 years after R. Everyone says that the A is 100% the WS fault. I agree. I also believe that the failure of a marriage can sometimes be 100% of one of the spouse's fault. The way you describe your marriage it was already in trouble without the A's. If you don't love her or she doesn't love you, or she is a serial cheater then call it quits. But if you do love her and she loves you, then with a lot of really hard work you might make a true marriage. "The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings." I wish you well.

Everyone says that the A is 100% the WS fault. I agree. I also believe that the failure of a marriage can sometimes be 100% of one of the spouse's fault. The way you describe your marriage it was already in trouble without the A's. If you don't love her or she doesn't love you, or she is a serial cheater then call it quits. But if you do love her and she loves you, then with a lot of really hard work you might make a true marriage

That helped me get up this morning. Thank you

DazedandLost - please kick your lying ass WW out of your house and lawyer up. She needs some real consequences right now.

I'm so sorry that she is putting you through this.

((((DazedandLost))))

in sickness and in health....

We're taking a day off today. It's all too much for both of us and neither getting any sleep.

The problems will still be here tomorrow.

Meanwhile today is test day, that's enough to deal with for now.

(((D&L))))

I can't imagine how overwhelming it is knowing that she is unable (due to her own brokenness) to give you the truth.

Get tested, take a day. You are right the issues will be there tomorrow. Please spend a day apart. Get some distance, and perspective. When you are together all the time, and not sleeping well, your decision making abilities, and judgement gets impaired. Fight or flight was only meant for a brief periods not days on end.

If you are struggling to sleep and eat talk to your Dr about that as well today. It helps to get some solid nutrition and sleep.

No decsions need to be made by you at this point. Sit with the info, digest it, and think about what you need, and what you want.

(((And Strength)))

D&L- I think you need to detach. She needs to go to IC and stick with it this time. She has bigger problems at the moment and is not a safe person for you, the children or herself.

I am sorry. My feeling is that there is more big things to tell she has is not going to suddendly stop coping mechanisms that have served her well her whole life overnight. She seems to be rock bottom, but she won't until she digs into her past with a IC.

If she is to have ANY chance of R she needs to get a poly (and pass) plus attend IC specialized in CSA. And stick with it this time. She is broken. That much is clear.

I really think you would benefit from IC too. If nothing else to figure out why you keep letting her walk all over you. I don't mean that as a swipe at you. I don't. I was a KISA and co-dependent as they come. It was horrible, but I did not know any other way. I had IC to help me through that. It really works if you commit to it. It also allowed me to be ok with myself and realize that somebody that loves me won't love me based on what I can do for them or give them.

FWIW I think your W getting a job to help with the financial strain needs to be a part of any R.

Be kind to yourself. I'd bet all the money in my pocket that your W past and her brokeness are the real cause behind this. Nothing you did or did not do "caused" her to do this.

She lied about other things repeatedly. Why wouldn't she also lie about the "cause" unless it benefitted her in some way.

Be kind to yourself. I really think being away from your W for a few days will help you stablize. Move into the in-law unit and allow yourself some distance.

Move into the in-law unit and allow yourself some distance.

NO - SHE moves out, NOT you. You did nothing wrong.

D&L:

Where is your line in the sand?

You keep redrawing it, which tells me you don't really have one.

When will you realize that your WW is disrespecting you because you are allowing it?

This is what you own in this mess; that you are allowing your WW to TT you to death with zero consequences.

"Stop, or I'll tell you to stop again."

You are in a prison of your own making. You hold the key, yet you continue to sit in the cell, complaining that the bed is hard and the blankets thin.

Making decisions based on fear is a terrible way to live, and it makes it mighty hard when you catch glimpses of the man in the mirror...

in sickness and in health....

Forsaking all others...... Pretty sure that is part of the wedding vows too. And I dont think the in sickness and in health includes allowing yourself to be abused. And she is abusing you right now.