SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You two both need to read from the healing library. My FWW ended her Affairs on DDay 1 and went no contact right around the same time. I allowed TT to go on when I should have stood stronger. It has made recovery harder for me. IC and AD meds for myself and my FWW have made a huge difference for us. All is not lost yet. If she does the hard work and you take care of yourself you can get through this. You don't need to make a decision on D anytime soon. Follow the advice from this site and work on yourselves. If you don't stay together you will each be better prepared for another relationship.

I agree with confused! The information needs to come from you BS to BS. YOU understand and can empathize with their pain. PLEASE do this yourself.

You should follow through with the polygraph. Most important is the last contact with any of the other men.

She is still lying. Extremely likely she has a back channel method to contact the ones she is emotionally attached with.

Also consider a standing schedule to polygraph her 3 months apart for through this July, then again six months after that. 4 polygraphs in total, the initial, then 3 months later, then 3 months later, then 6 months after that. I know how absolutely crazy that sounds to the uninitiated, but it's like having to take a pee test periodically after you've been caught using drugs.

I agree with confused615 that you need to be the one that calls the OBSs. What is she wanting to do it in private without you around? I bet she has no intention to call them, she is just playing you, she is going to protect them...Also those women dont want to hear it from the OW they need to hear it from you.

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:58 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

I am sorry you are hurting.

Feeling the pain is a necessary part of healing properly. It will subside over time, but it is an extraordinarily tough thing.

Based on how you write, though, I can tell that you have what it takes to make it through.

We've all been where you are. The dark nights of the soul are excruciating. Adjusting to the new reality of "this is your life" takes some time but you will get to the other side: acceptance.

You're grieving. Whatever the outcome for your marriage, this is the most painful part of the process. You will cycle through stages of grief in no particular order and some will last longer then others. Your' old M, wife and life is over. It's a gigantic trauma. Be kind to yourself. Exercise. Try and eat. Circle your wagons.

(((())))

It's normal to feel that complete and utter loss and devastation. You have lost your M, and that is a significant and real loss. Just as if someone you loved dearly died.

You will mourn the loss. You can also both do some really hard work to heal yourselves, and build a new M. If she is willing to own her shit, and then do the hard work of fixing her brokenness then and ONLY then can you build a new M.

Reconciliation is the hardest thing I have done in my life. And I done some hard stuff.

But to make it work it takes honesty, transparency, and 110% effort from both partners. If it is more one person than the other, or if there are any lies of any kind ever again...... it destroys what little trust has been rebuilt. It takes holding each other accountable.

Your reasons for having her contact the obs are not new. Of course your ww can answer her questions because she has more details than you. It's still a cruel thing to do to the obs.

I get the feeling you think you have the truth, because you threatened the polygraph. You don't have the entire truth. It's extremely common for a WS to give up some more truth when they know a polygraph is inevitable. So common we have a term for it...a parking lot confession. They give enough truth that the BS thinks..ok..this is really bad..I.must have all the information now. The thing is..you don't.

Book the polygraph and follow through.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:08 AM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

I'm afraid I agree with Confused16. We have seen so many "parking lot" confessions that it would be tiresome if it weren't tragic. One AP becomes 4. Oral, becomes oral, intercourse, and anal. I never told him I loved him, becomes they developed a plan to leave you in a few months.

Unless you are content that knowing it was oral isn't worse than knowing she had intercourse without protection or that she and one of her APs had developed a plan for leaving you, then schedule the Polygraph.

The polygraph serves a number of purposes. First, it sets a bedrock where you have a reason to believe you have the whole truth. Second, it provides some consequences for the cheating spouse. Finally, if your wife really is telling you the truth, it gives her a tiny feeling of success that she gets to prove that she really was telling you the truth. Remorseful Waywards actually feel some relief that they can say, "see, I am finally telling you the truth."

Think about it, she has successfully lied to you quite a bit. She even went for a closure quickie after your second D-day. Do you really trust this woman? really? If you do, I think you need to rethink both her tendency to lie and your tendency to believe her.

- are you sure she didn't have intercourse?

- if she did, what if it wasn't protected?

you're already getting checked for std's. What if she risked getting pregnant?

- are you sure she wasn't (in her fog) making plans with an AP to leave you? After all, she made pretty damn sure that you would never read her thousands of texts. hmmmmm.

- did she have sex with you, right after having sex with him?

- are you sure you have everything?

- are you sure you won't wonder?

I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just letting you see that there may be benefits of getting a polygraph. A polygraph isn't expensive and it provides a pretty good value.

good luck

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:22 AM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:58 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Also this happened 2 days after the first reveal, after we agreed to try and work through the original revelation, the email sender. She's been out doing it twice since that first revelation night. Twice since we agreed to make things work.

And also found out she did thet whatsapp reinstall thing to delete a message he told her he had sent. That's why she reinstalled it. To hide more evidence.

9? Sorry for my bad language, this is a fucking joke.

Why did I even try to sort this.

She just told me "This isnt a new lie, I'ts an extension of an old lie"

The bottle will just make it worse. BTDT

Go to the gym, take the kids.

D&C - you are done whenever you've had enough. You have the option here. But - if it helps or muddies things up...sometimes WS's struggle with recalling the details. They struggle with suddenly becoming honest when they've practiced and perfected lying for so long. This doesn't excuse it or dismiss this new level of pain. Just that it can take time for the WS to stop protecting themselves especially when they are acting out of fear.

It's awful - each new battery of details and omissions. Sometimes it's too much and you need to protect yourself - I suggest you do the 180 - to give you clarity and strength. And stop the drinking. See your doc for some Ativan to take the edge off but alcohol won't help.

Please put down the bottle and COMPLETELY stay away from alcohol while you are dealing with this. Alcohol will only make you feel worse and could contribute to putting you in a MUCH worse position ... like DV charges and you being out of the house and without your children.You need to keep your act together and stay strong for your children.

This type of TT is exactly why we keep saying to pursue to polygraph all the way through to her actually taking the test. If she passes, then you can feel confident you have the truth at least regarding what the poly questions covered.

DaL. I can't stress this enough. You need to put the bottle down for now. You also need to get away for the night. It's what? Like 7:30pm over there? Go for a walk or a run. If you really need to get away take a cab and check into a hotel for a night.

Have you read up on the 180 yet?

yop

removed comment in light of new TT.

Original post not relevant.

[This message edited by WornDown at 1:34 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

my STD check tomorrow cant come quick enough.