SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Although we are drowning in debt, I have found the money for a lie detector test. I have also found a local company and will schedule an appointment as soon as we can manage.

What should the three questions be? I was thInking :

1. Since your marriage began, have you had sexual contact with anyone other than the 5 men (noone laugh) that your husband knows about?

2. Since your marriage began, have you had sexual intercourse with any other man apart from your husband?

3. Not sure. Maybe a NC check?

I'm sitting here today, wondering what the hell im doing. On one hand I see my wife doing everything she can to make amends and wonder if we actually do have s chance after all. Then I start to wonder how I can even think about a future with a woman whose had 2 affairs and several ONS unprotected sex with strangers in car parks and toilets. Someone who continues the affair in secret after getting caught.

I know we have to try. I know it's incredibly early days yet. I know I need to start eating and stop torturing myself. I know we're both getting support from this website. It's been like a middle man guiding us in this tough time. Thank you all.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 8:42 AM, January 7th (Saturday)]

I think your questions are fine.

Maybe instead of checking if she's had NC, ask if she is purposely withholding the truth about anything regarding her affairs..

And....the "don't laugh" was unnecessary. I realize you're close to your dday, but you're not the only person dealing with being cheated on. Some are even closer to their dday,some are right where you are,and others are well past theirs. But every single one of us has been affected by infidelity. And not one of us would laugh. Hell, there are woman here who are dealing with their husband have 14 OW throughout their marriage.

Hey DaL, I think the first two questions are ok. Also what about

Has she engaged in any online cyber sex or pornographic activities?

Has she communicated with or met anyone else from the web sites she was on?

Hopefully some others with more experience in this area will weigh in.

Also, remember that this is the rollercoaster from hell and your emotions are going to change minute to minute for a while. Especially regarding long term plans. This is why you should wait approximately 6 months or so, unless you know that this is a deal breaker for you. Don't promise R yet. You don't have to promise D either. Watch WW's actions. Those actions will tell you if she's even a good candidate for R. Then if she continues to do things right, then see how you feel about R. You may not want to even if she does everything right. And that is ok too! Time is needed here for a while so try to live in the moment for now with no promises.

However, you can continue to move forward. Nor sure if you read those links that I posted way back but they are there for reference. Did you read the one that has many steps defined for recovery? Or what about boundaries and consequences?

Boundaries and consequences is something you can start to work on with WW immediately. I doubt she is doing everything right as she hasn't completely educated herself yet. And that's ok. You guys are early on.

Boundaries and consequences are something that I established immediately. Your WW's boundaries are shit. It cold be argued that she wouldn't have done what she did in the first place if she had good boundaries. For example. Talking about your marriage with others is a good one. That should be something that is discussed between the two of you and a therapist. Where was your WW discussing your marriage? Right. Boundary #1. No discussing your marriage with others. What else? What are some other areas where she went down the slippery slope? Define those areas and set up boundaries. Look into getting the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. There is some really good stuff in there about boundaries and she uses windows and doors as analogies. Your WW's window became a wide open door at some point.

Consequences should go with the boundaries. As several wise members here directed me, consequences should be something that's enforceable. Not ultimatums that you cannot enforce. Like if do X then D will be immediate if you are not ready to D. Something more tangible like she has to move to her parents house or something like that if that's not feasible. The point is to get a plan in place now so that if/when she does break a boundary, you pout the course of action into effect.

Also, did you ever see a solicitor? You still should educate yourself any which way you go (R, S, or D).

And above all else, as Tushnurse noted previously and you noted in your last post, you need to start to take care of yourself. You are making things worse for you and your kids if you don't. Get something to eat or even a protein shake if you can't eat solids yet. Go for a walk if you need to clear your head.

Take care of yourself DaL.

yop

eta - grammar

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:34 AM, January 7th (Saturday)]

This is based on what I would care about in your situation:

1. Have you had any intercourse other than (husband name) after (wedding date/engagement date/or some other monogamous starting date)?

2. Have you had any intercourse or oral sex other than (husband name) between (wedding date/engagement date/or some other monogamous starting date) and (date of start with best friend's affair)?

3. Have you had any contact whatsoever with significant OM after (date of last known contact)?

If I had money for only one polygraph, I would wait for a few months and not tell her when it will be.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 10:27 AM, January 7th (Saturday)]

Way back around 1987 I had to take a polygraph test and I lied about smoking weed and other things and I passed. The needles stay calm they didnt change from answering truthfully or lying my ass off. They had all the sensors hooked up on me. I dont trust the results. I can beat a polygraph.

Polygraphs have come a long way in the last thirty years.

D&L,

Since your marriage began, have you had sexual contact...

The polygraph examiner will have to explain to your wife the full meaning of "sexual contact". So make your list of what you consider sexual contact.

#3 would have to be worded to exclude the one NC breach you know about since DD.

Does the company have an examiner that has done infidelity based examinations?

.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:16 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

do it again.. and again... until she passes.

Like a driver's test. She is trying her best to tell the truth, sooner or later she'll get the skills to do it.

is she purposely withholding the truth about anything regarding her affairs

Talk with the polygraph examiner about how to craft the questions based on what you want to know. They do this and know what will work best. I think the questions need to be clear cut, yes or no, not if she has to think about it and ponder. And her affairs have been so extensive, she will have to ponder to think what she's said, if she gave everything, etc.

Thanks wk55. Liking the driver's test anaolgy

She has already asked for Yes/No questions so she doesnt get confused or stumble over answers. She has no preference on what the questions are. She says she is ready to answer anything.

I know it may turn out that she fails and we're set back a bit, both emotionally and financially, but wouldnt it be great if i could report back next week and tell everyone that she's passed. Yes it doesnt change anything that's happened but the thought of knowing there's no more from the past to be revealed - I think that would be such a load of my mind I'd be able to think straight again for once.

DaL, serious question. Where do you draw the line? Would you really have her take multiple polygraphs? Have you outlined what behaviors are deal breakers and worthy of filing for D for you?

I've told her if there's details in the timeline she hasnt mentioned before. It'll be tough but we'll carry on. If she fails the lie detector, we'll be right back to square one, but we'll carry on.

If there is any contact with any of them, in the present or the future, or if there is any cheating activity in the present or the future, I draw the line and we're done.

She has agreed.

She cant change what's already done. If there's lies left she knows they are coming out, hopefully by next week. All she can control is what happens now and in the future.

This is my red line.

Would you really have her take multiple polygraphs?

Absolutely.

Worst case. She fails the test. Turns out she "forgot" to tell me something. She then confesses it.

Is that everything? We wont know unless she does the test again.

The cost will be staggering, but how much would I pay to save my marriage? Whatever it took.

Everyone here is hoping she passes the polygraph.

In one of your above posts, you say if she doesn't pass,you will repeat a polygraph,again and again, until she passes.

Why?

Are you going to give her chance,after chance, after chance until you finally have the truth?

Why?

If she fails more than one, then what's the point? If that happens, you know she's continuing to lie. You know she isn't safe. You know she's not remorseful. You know she's not reconciliation material.

Do you have a "bottom line?" Do you have a line in the sand? Are you willing to continue to allow yourself to be disrespected, until you have the truth? That may take months....years. Is there any point in which you will say you've had enough?

Ask me again after the test.

but,

So she fails the test. She "remembers" another incident. She claims she's been so upset about everything that this one skipped her confused and troubled mind.

Do I line her up against a wall and shoot her? Or is there at least a slim chance she's actually genuinely skipped one?

It's not like it's just 1 guy. She's almost collected enough for a football team. That shit must be hard to keep track of.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:41 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]

That's why she creates the timeline. She needs to spend some time thinking about it all, write it down, search her memory, and be sure. Then when she says this is it..she's sure..no doubt, you do the polygraph. And if she fails..it's not because she forgot,it's because she purposely excluded.

Like meeting with one of the OM after dday. And kissing him. That's hugely significant. That's not an oops,I forgot.

But, as long as you're willing to buy the oops I forgot line...she will use it.

And...no. You don't shoot her. But you do recognize it for what it is. If she fails, after telling you you have a complete timeline...then she's lying. Period.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:50 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]

Like meeting with one of the OM after dday. And kissing him. That's hugely significant.

She actually met him twice. and did a lot more than kiss.

It came out in the timeline she wrote for him.

She's working on the complete timeline as we speak. I'm hoping to read it tonight.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:53 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]

So she fails the test. She "remembers" another incident. She claims she's been so upset about everything that this one skipped her confused and troubled mind

.

Your wife needs to own her behaviour. That includes being completely honest with you about all of her transgressions. She was giving men blow jobs and participating in mutual oral sex. She remembers each and every encounter. She may be choosing to not tell you about them but she remembers them.

DL while it sounds like your WW has a lot of trauma in her childhood don't loose sight of the fact that you are the person being wronged right now. Your WW should be doing everything she can to make you feel safe. She needs to get all of her timelines done ASAP.

She needs to get all of her timelines done ASAP.

She's in the next room writing it all out now. She's been doing it for hours. How much more ASAP can we get?

And everyone is talking like she's already failed. She says she will pass. Any question.

Yes ok everyone says that, but if there is anything left out she has this oppertunity tonight to come clean.

Let's please wait til after the test before we accuse her of lying.

No, no, no! She was grown and made a decision to express her dissatisfied feelings in an escapist way, instead of like a grown person.

Not your fault.

Hugs!