SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After dday, she did more than kiss OM?

And...I'm sorry. It's not a foregone conclusion that she will fail. My question was if she did fail, why plan to polygraph here over and over.

I also said everyone here hopes she will pass.

You seem angry and defensive. We are not the ones who betrayed you. We are attempting to help you get out of infidelity, and help you start to heal. When you first found SI, you blamed yourself, felt what your wife did was understandable, and thought it was just a few OM. Because of the advice you were given, you now seem to understand this isn't your fault, your wife has been forced to be more honest with you, and you are much closer to knowing all that has happened in your marriage. I'm not sure why you lash out at people who are only trying to help.

Many are taking time away from their pain...time away from their families..to reach out and help you.

Again...you're not the only person here who has been betrayed.

No, I'm the one who is sorry. Yes I'm on edge. I'm waiting for the complete timeline, which my WW has just emailed me so I'm off to read it.

Sorry for being defensive.

It's ok. Really. We DO understand.

I hope you find nothing to distressing in the timeline.

And I really do hope she passes the polygraph.

Hell, there are woman here who are dealing with their husband have 14 OW throughout their marriage.

Mate, you could probably whack a zero on that 14 for me, I'll never know the exact figure, but you know what? My pain is probably no better or worse than yours. This place has been amazing and supportive. No-one here is "against you" - it's just the tragic truth is that we've all been there/are there and those voices of experience unfortunately/fortunately are probably the best advice you'll ever get.

You will be fine, whatever happens.

Bit late to the table…

As has been pointed out the poly questions need to be very, very clear.

Don’t have to hang around for long here on SI to hear where a spouse denies sex only for them to claim that hand-jobs, oral, petting, mutual masturbation or whatever “isn’t sex”, or anal isn’t intercourse or whatever. The poly operator needs to define all the terms like “intercourse” or word the question so there is no loophole.

Ye I've already been through the "oral isn't sex" stage. We are passed that now.

Read the timeline. No new revelations. A couple of points that upset me but I did ask for all the gruesome details and she didn't hold back. But also a couple of encounters I had tortured myself about turned out to not be as bad as my imagination.

Swings and roundabouts.

WW now upset and drained, I can understand that. But weirdly I feel so much better. Like a fog has cleared a little. It's all down in black and white. I can read it again if I choose to. I can't imagine ever needing to, it's burned in my brain, but I can. I feel like I have everything I need to start processing it now.

As long as she passes the test.

I also thought I recognised my wife tonight. Time will tell.

It's important to understand that the poly will indicate whether she's showing deceit - not forgetfulness.

If she's asked "have you told your H about every AP?" And she believes - truly believes she's told all and says YES - yet actually forgot all about one - she'll pass, because she's being truthful. In her mind and body, she believes she has told you all. But if she does remember leaving him out and yet still says you know all - that will show deceit and she'll fail. She won't be able to use the "I forgot" excuse.

[This message edited by sassylee at 6:05 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]

Reread WALLOPED's post on this thread on Jan 5th. He asked 100 questions previous to the Poly and then one of the Poly questions dealt with whether she had been truthful regarding those questions.

here is the link for the 100 questions from Walloped. It is really difficult to search for anything in this forum.

Good Luck.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=566988&AP=581&HL=38603

Wow. Thanks for the trip down memory lane! Talk about being a glutton for punishment!

D&L - Those questions linked were obviously not ones to ask at a poly. Those were questions I compiled to discuss with my wife to get as much details about her affair as I could.

Good times.

Here are the ones that were asked at the polygraph.

1) Regarding her relationship with POS (I had supplied a listing of information to the examiner based on her replies), is the information contained true and accurate and not missing key details about their relationship?

2) I provided a list of times she was in contact with POS post DDay.

Question: Beyond those times, has she had any contact with POS through any medium, whether directly or through another individual?

3) During her initial 21 minute conversation with POS post DDay when he asked her to leave me for him, did she at any point then, or since, seriously consider leaving me?

4) Except for your husband and POS, have you ever engaged in any kind of sexual activity with anyone else during your marriage?

Key is specificity and yes/no answers. So questions around here honesty in giving you all information, any other men or acts that she hasn't told you about, and any contact post DDay beyond what you already know about are good questions that fit your situation.

Hope this helps.

Good luck with the Poly, if she passes it sort of puts the past (football team lol) into the past gives you a new semi clean slate to go forward with.

OTOH if she fails...not good.As George Costanza said about polygraphs, "Just remember Jerry, it's not a lie if you belive it"

hope it works out for you.

Sorry. I neglected to say this. I just want to put the whole poly concept in perspective. It's not punitive and it's not meant to be humiliating or your wife. It's not meant as a Gotcha! kind of thing either.

Basically, your wife, as good as a person that she inherently might be, has lied to you in a variety of ways for quite some time. And not about how much those shoes she bought cost. About something big. Huge. Something that has caused you immense pain. And you, her love for you, your marriage, the time you've been together, your history, your children, your family, were not enough to prevent that. There's no way around this. That's just the way it is - regardless of the reasons behind it all and as wonderful as you or she might think those reason are.

So the trust in your wife has taken a massive hit. Her actions have done that. And now she tells you a lot of things and as a BS the challenge is how do you know she's being honest when she's lied for so long? Even if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, can you afford to? So the poly is for both of you. For you to gain peace of mind and for her to show that she being honest now, when all the chips are on the table. And if you are lucky enough that she's been 100% truthful, and I hope she has, then that gives you both something to build off of.

So folks here are cautiously optimistic. The latter because we want the best for you and the former because experience has shown that for many folks it doesn't turn out that way. Parking lot confessions outside the examiner's office are common. People swear on the lives of their kids only to fail. They then blame it on everything, nerves, sickness, the questions, anything they can think of. So that's the caution you are hearing in some of the comments you're getting.

Anyway, best of luck. I do hope you have it all and you can get the peace of mind you deserve and that a positive outcome forms a basis for healing.

[This message edited by Walloped at 10:24 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]

She cant change what's already done. If there's lies left she knows they are coming out, hopefully by next week. All she can control is what happens now and in the future.

This is my red line.

Sorry to point out that red lines mean nothing once a BH decides to stay. BH's who decide to stay always talk about red lines, no-second-chances, one-more-and-I'll-be-gone, but I've yet to find a BH who follows through. If you didn't leave the first time, you won't leave after the nth time. The shock is the greatest the first time around. Next time your WW cheats, you will just be resigned and "stay for the kids". A BH who stays gives all his power away to his WW - his red lines mean nothing. If he is lucky, she takes pity on him and throws him a bone by not sleeping around. If the BH is unlucky, she continues to sleep around and he continues to be miserable and helpless.

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 11:49 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]

Fair points all round

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:06 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

I know it may seem like some of us are being slightly tough.... but we have been there. VERY FEW of us will ever really know the WHOLE truth about our lives during those dark times. My XWH was also a SA...... but even if he were not, polygraph, no polygraph, timeline, no timeline..... it all boils down to what you decide you want to know as your new normal. My story certainly is not yours, but FOR ME, I would not have ever known what a mutually respectful marriage was until I let go of the one I was in that wasn't. That was 20 years gone...... But, now I know why.

We have all been there. It is survivable, even when it doesn't seem like it. Allow yourself to process. Do not rush anything. It is a major crime scene on your soul.... treat it as such.

Warm troughts to you....

You know what's really embarrassing? Re-reading this entire thread and watching me have 100% faith that my WW has told me everything, each time there has been a new, more disgusting truth revealed.

Every time I catch her out (and the information is never volunteered until she thinks she's about to get caught) I accept her version as truth, only to be wrong a few days later.

Lie detector test can't come quick enough.

Be kind to YOU. Also realize that she is now walking a path she actually planned out. Most of us FBS/BS's have a super hard time with that one.

You are making great strides.

Much is beyond your control. It's an unreasonable world and you have to live with a lot of things that are just unlivable. Infidelity is a hard thing to deal with. All you can do is to try your best and move forward.

Did she ever tell you why she drew the line at intercourse?