SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In an earlier post I mentioned that maybe she was wanting to leave the marriage, GTR then threw out the question, "Why would she cancel with OM, ask me to take her out, and have sex that night?"

The answer is probably 2 fold, one to alleviate some guilt and the other to manipulate you after getting busted.

I'm sure you found out because your gut was telling you that something was up. I imagine that she had already dialed back the affection and the sex. The reason WWs do that is because they don't want to cheat on their new man. I've actually read a WW's thread on LS that the OM told her to take one for the team and have sex with her husband. She couldn't do it. She completely cut her husband off. But there are WWs that will actually ramp up the sex with their BH because OM has them so horny.

Another angle to consider about that night is:

The same way the texting didn't reveal the sex or blow jobs, it could also be that the reason she didn't consummate on the original planned day was because something came up on his end, so they postponed. She had sex with GTR because she was already worked up in anticipation of what was to come. She was counting the seconds until she could jump divorce douche. She had to spend New Years eve and Day with GTR to keep up the cover but RAN to him on the 2nd and came back for a repeat on the 3rd.

About a week ago she said that she's going to stop talking to him, didn't last long. They probably had a lover's spat. The way she was trying to nice you back this past week is classic manipulation to keep the branch that is your marriage as an option, She may be doing the same with divorce douche to keep him as an option. Most waywards don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp of the other.

In order to consider R, you must make sure the affair is dead. You can't just go by what she'll admit or what you find on her phone. That's where a VAR comes in. About 60 bucks at Best Buy. Also getting Dr Phone to get any deleated text / Snapchats or nude pics she may have sent.

IMO you need to be nice to her regardless if you R or D. If you are wanting R then don't verbally abuse her, be nice and give her your conditions. If you want D also.be nice and give her the settlement arrangement you want. Don't make her feel bad, dont tell her you dont care about photos and memories from y'alls past. Take the high road, be the bigger person, kindness will kill her, dont be mean, dont give her anything she can use against you.

Sounds like she is either an evil genius of manipulation (doubtful) or is still in the fog and is ambivalent about the D.

and has one foot out of the M, whatever....not really fighting for R.

Quit or give notice?

NC with OM or not, is he out of the A?

Do you want half the pictures? I got half looked at them when my mom died.

Don't want alimony, my fault (not that alimony was on the table) ¯\_(ツ_/¯

My xWW was like a pinball game, said one thing then 5 minutes later contradicted herself 10x a day, no clue as to what to do.

Maybe in a few week there will be a balance...it takes time.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:25 AM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

She has been trying and she has a job interview tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to stay. When I look at her I just see disgust and these past few days I've been kinda depressed. I just want to erase every trace of her from my life but maybe I'm just being dramatic. She is under the impression that we will reconcile. I'm slowly trying to detach myself from her, from our life together. If she can do this to me than anyone can. I have another session with the counselor tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

Someone has suggested a VAR and I'm just starting not to care anymore like it's pointless. I just want her to be gone. Someone mentioned I was being mean to her because I told her I didn't want any of our memorabilia. I don't. I have the mindset now that I would just throw them or burn them if she gave them to me. Our relationship didn't matter to her so why should it to me?

I actually just wanted to burn everything in that stupid fucking box. One that I thought she treasured so much. I should, she doesn't deserve to have the memory of me in hr life. Fuck hopefully I can stop being like this.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 3:39 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by manualgtr at 3:25 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

Someone has suggested a VAR and I'm just starting not to care anymore like it's pointless. I just want her to be gone.

Keep a gauge on your feelings each day. If you are feeling like this more than not, then you need to be honest with her. It's important for both of you to the work of healing yourselves regardless, and she should continue even if you walk away.

Whatever choice you make is yours, and it will be the right one for you.

Just remember listen to actions not words.

(((And Strength)))

M - as others have said, sometimes it is a deal breaker and you are just done. Given the specifics and timing of how things developed in your situation, I suspect most folks would have a very hard time reconciling.

In time the anger and rage will pass and the reality is that you are young, it is a short term marriage and you still have the chance to make a clean (and comparatively) easy break than if this happened after 20 years, kids and way more financial and emotional investment.

It seems like you are doing really well, keeping focused and moving forward. You may change your mid tomorrow, next week or next month. You may not... and that will be fine.

It's not short at all for me. We've actually been together since we were 17 and were now 31 so 14 years. 14 years of my life wasted with that fucking bitch (sorry just venting). I'm going to talk with my attorney and see if I can leave the home for a little bit with my dogs and go to my parents house. I won't give her a warning if I don't have too and leave her the money for my half of the bills. I just need to get away. I just want to stay with my parents, people who actually care about me.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 3:58 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

Definition of Abandonment

Noun

The giving up or withdrawal of support from something or someone

The act of leaving or deserting a person or property

Origin

1325-1375 Middle French abandoner

Walking Away and Marital Abandonment

Marital abandonment refers to a situation in which one spouse severs ties with the family, forsaking his or her responsibilities and duties to the family. Simply moving out of the family home in an attempt to create a temporary or permanent separation is not considered abandonment. The difference is often seen in the person’s refusal to provide necessary support, whether financial or otherwise, with no intention to return, or to fulfill those responsibilities. In most states, the remaining spouse has no financial responsibility to the abandoning spouse.

In an at-fault divorce state, abandonment may be considered grounds for divorce. In these states, the spouse claiming abandonment must prove certain things to the court. For example, Jennifer files for divorce claiming that her husband, James, abandoned her just over a year ago. Jennifer would need to show that the couple had not agreed that James would leave, that she didn’t cause James’ departure, and that he hadn’t paid any support during his absence.

It's hard to let go of someone that you've loved for almost half of your life and ALL of your adult life. I know that even though you don't have kids, you still had a special bond that is hard to give up.

Going away to get your head straight is fine but make sure she knows that you're just leaving to get your head straight. You don't want her to use you leaving unannounced as you abandoning the marriage and property.

As to the the var:

Even if you're now leaning toward D, you should still get the VAR in her car and the room that she tends to do her talking. You may later decide to R and it will allow you to make sure that she has been NC and is not playing you.

Manual...take your time, be patient.

There is no rush for anything right now.

I wouldn't leave the house, perhaps spend more time gone on your free time, but for now just do your best to co-habitate peacefully.

Continue your IC, tha'ts your biggest tool to heal at this point.

You really have not even begun to heal from this trauma yet, how can you expect to make wise decisions in this state?

You may find it better to have her there eventually, or not, but give it time for now brother.

O'Dude

Just talk to your lawyer about leaving the home for extended period. At the very least why not take off for a week of vacation? That will give you some time to think about separating for an extended period if you still feel it is necessary.

You will stop being like this soon enough. You are in the anger stage. It is very predictable and common.

Your instincts to fight for some space to clear your head are wise and your inclination to clear it through legal counsel are even wisest. Even better, surrounding yourself with a great support network such as your parents is so so beneficial.

Don't give her ANY ammunition to use against you later. This is important regardless if you R or D. Be cool, don't burn pictures, don't destroy joint property, don't make threats, don't verbally abuse her, just try really hard to be cool. Cool cat, go into cool cat mode.

When you are alone you can scream, go the gym and workout until you pass out. But around your WW, be cool, very cool.

You are going to feel everything hate, anger, pain, guilt, sadness, optimism, hope, strength, weakness. Sometimes in the same day. Today is an anger day. Another day will be an optimistic day. not necessarily about R but that you will make it, with or without her you, will be ok.

Think about what you have been through in less than a month, it's amazing you can see straight.

As some time passes the highs won't feel so high and the lows not so low, that's when you can make better decisions.

soulhurt is right. Be cool, like Fonzie. (to paraphrase Jules from Pulp Fiction)

Hang in there gtr.

Just continue to breathe...stay nourished and hydrated. You are getting EXCELLENT advice, trust me.

Proud of you...

You're doing OK.

If you live with your parents awhile, let your attorney know just in case that could somehow make a difference in a divorce.

Manual

Try this exercise:

What do YOU need to reconcile?

What conditions would she need to meet so you could reconcile?

Be realistic. Only list things that can be attained.

For example: If unprotected sex is a deal breaker I would give it 9/10 protection wasn’t used at least once. If unprotected sex is really a total deal-breaker, then just give yourself that foregone conclusion and divorce.

But realistically – what difference does a condom make in the whole context of what’s going on?

If, however she knows it’s a deal breaker then she will lie. And that lie will destroy the marriage along the road.

Keep in mind that even if she complies with everything on the list then it’s not the same as you accepting reconciliation. But maybe you listing what you would need might help YOU focus on what you want.

I don't think I'm going to stay. When I look at her I just see disgust

It's not short at all for me. We've actually been together since we were 17 and were now 31 so 14 years. 14 years of my life wasted with that fucking bitch (sorry just venting).

Cut the cord. People who see their WW and feel sad or angry can reconcile. You can get over sadness and anger.

People who see their WW and feel disgust cannot. You cannot get over disgust.

You're only 31. No kids. You're in your prime. Your wife on the other hand is way past her peak. The quality of women you will attract at 31, if you're in shape, not crazy, and have a real job, is vastly better than women you attract at 17. Really. Ask your divorced 30s guy friends. There are women throwing themselves at someone like you.

This is advice from someone in R, a successful R.

One word of advice, whether you R or D. Don't put women on a pedestal. Your worth is not dependent on them. Your value comes from the kind of person you are, not from what she thinks or does. Just a bit of marriedredpill wisdom for you my friend.

[This message edited by french123 at 1:19 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

I have talked to friends and family and have decided that I'm going through with the divorce 100%. I can't get over the fact that after D-day she went to his house two days straight. Had this conversation with her this morning, with a bunch of crying on her part and her apologizing. I assume she's still going to keep seeing the AP even though she said she's done with him, not my problem anymore. I want this divorce to end as soon as possible. She can't stay at her boyfriends house because he has two kids that he has joint custody with. Her parents also don't want her at their home because of their disgust.

So were stuck living together for the time being, I don't think she thinks I'm serious but it's whatever. She should be happy, she gets to fuck her boyfriend whenever she wants now.