SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The success stories are those who are decisive in either direction as quickly as possible. Kudos to you for quickly knowing where your breaking point is and acting on it in as nice a way as possible.

For what it's worth I'd do the same thing as you, what she did pretty much glaringly gave you all that you needed to know.

I get where you are coming from, and would probably reach the same conclusion if I were in that situation.

Hopefully she won't become vindictive, but be prepared if she does. Go open an account with just your name on it, and put a few dollars in it, just in case, if she starts spending crazy you can divide funds, even before the D.

Like I always say, Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Life is easier that way I have found.

Sending you lots of strength, and clarity.

(((and peace)))

You should also compare notes with his ex-wife. This would not be the first time that her mysterious waffling was because he was waffling -- he may be reconciling or may not even be fully divorced. There are other members here who can give you first hand accounts of this.

You need to know all the facts, even if you're getting divorced.

Your decision is certainly understandable given her choices and egregious behavior. You did not deserve this, and the faster you can put it behind you, the better.

I give you a lot of credit, you love(d) her and you tried, she's didn't and you found that after the DD she didn;t miss a step in banging him for two (or more) days. Unforgivable for most BSs.

Did you ask her to leave? That;s what parents are for to take in their kid no matter how fucked up she is. Tell her you want to take a drive and talk then dump her off at their door.

Eventually the OM will cheat on her or she will cheat on him and you will have found someone to go into the next chapter of your life. And I would not be shocked that when her "fog" clears and the sexy/sneaky/fun wears off she will be looking you up...

Keep strong.

PS your post, while a sad tail of adultery should be a "sticky" (if they have those on SI) something all BS should read and learn how to get things done quickly even when you are kicked in the gut by the one you love. You gave her every break and she blew it.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:23 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

My wife and her mother have very opposite personalities. Wife is more shy and introverted and her mom is more short tempered and an extrovert. She's always been a second mother to me and I'll still love her. She told my wife she doesn't want her there once we divorce because of the disgust of what she did and let her feelings be known. Her reputation is destroyed and I feel like a little guilty for that but yeah. From the looks of it she has been trying to make it work, but I need to pull the plug. I just want this chapter my life to be over with.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 3:26 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

I admire your strength and decisiveness brother. Expect the unexpected going forward as her behavior is likely to be all over the map. Stay focused on you and your end game. Keep a voice recorder on you just in case things get gnarly around the house. Between you filing and the parents seemingly turning their backs...she might start acting like a cornered rat. Protect yourself.

Her reputation is destroyed and I feel like a little guilty for that but yeah

It's called consequences. Her actions not yours buddy...but you know that already.

[This message edited by Sybo at 3:34 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

As much as it hurts, it's better that you move on. For her to take the affair to the next level, days after D day is a bridge too far for most men. Another reason is that you're going to see her as damaged goods. Almost all BHs would feel that way but with her being a virgin when you first had her, that feeling would have been much more pronounced.

It was your bold action that knocked her for a loop which explains the water works and the shame but I don't believe you go from practically RUNNING to other man's bed days after Dday, to all of her desire for him to evaporate. I would imagine that even while she's crying for you to stay, she's probably telling divorce douche to give her sometime. You know, keep all of her options open.

With them discussing her leaving you for him, I do believe this was going to be an exit affair. You just blew the lid off before they could get comfortable enough to pull it off. Once it sinks in that you're moving on, be prepared to see a very nasty and cold side of her. Hopefully she can give you enough respect to not rub OM in your face but you need to mentally prepare yourself in case she goes complete beotch on you.

Keep a VAR on you while talking to here from hereon out.

If she gets nasty she may try to press charges against you, and as you know most states do not look favorably on the male by default.

Also get her into saying a bunch of stuff about her boyfriend, so if she gets nasty in court you have something over her. Of course don't let her know youre doing this.

You should also compare notes with his ex-wife. This would not be the first time that her mysterious waffling was because he was waffling -- he may be reconciling or may not even be fully divorced. There are other members here who can give you first hand accounts of this.

You need to know all the facts, even if you're getting divorced.

That's an interesting thought. On LS I've read so many threads of WWs that swore their MM was going to leave his marriage so they can be together. The WW blows up her marriage and family but the other MM usually backs out and ends up working on his marriage.

Could her "divorce douche" only have been separated and trying to get his family back but was using GTR's WW as his plan B. Could explain the cancelling of the original Dec 30th date they had planned if he had sudden opportunity to be with his ex.

From the little that GTR revealed, it did seem that she was just as eager as he was. Future faking an OW, is a common tactic MM use to string their OW along.

She is pleading for a second chance. She cried and begged an hour ago in a way I've never seen before. Cursing herself, cursing the other man. She said all she wants is me and if she has to spend the rest of her life making it up to me she will. She was crying at my feet literally. God why can't I just stick to one decision. I didn't expect that outburst out of her. I saw signs of the girl I fell in love with. Also I don't think it was an exit affair cause she always refuted him saying she should leave me for him. She seemed to just future fake him from all the texts I have. I can't keep going back and forth here. I still love her...

We usually tell those who waffle back and forth between reconciliation and divorce, that you don't have to decide now. You can give it a few months and watch her actions, while you decide what to do.

She may be remorseful. She may just be scared, and regretful. Time will tell.

There's no need to rush a decision.

Tell her what your boundaries and requirements are for reconciliation. Then watch what she does.

Know that,even if she does everything you ask of her, you can still decide to divorce.

But, as long as you keep waffling, don't make any decisions that you may regret.

Manual-

It is a big decision, however you decide. But you need time to figure this out. I've seen some people suggest several months to get to a point where you can decide.

You caught it pretty early. You made the exact strong moves to file, to wake her up and show her the reality of her horrible decision.

She has to consistently SHOW you everyday how she can become trustworthy again, she has to be transparent and go to counseling to address her shitty boundaries and issues that made her go outside of your marriage.

Then, you can decide if you want to make a go at some MC.

You don't have to know it all today.

But you do know, if she lies or backslides or gets defensive about her poor choices, you got D on the table. D is always an option and she seems to know you're serious. That is good. Now see if she can prove to be a safe partner again.

Manual

If you have decided 100% to divorce then don’t bother trying to get more info from her, corroborate with OM ex-wife, demand your wife quit her job or do any change at all to her life – other than her life with you. By divorcing you are firing her from the role of wife. It’s like firing an employee for constantly being late. Fire him and you can’t go over next morning to wake him up.

Don’t even consider living in the same house. Either you or she moves out. It’s inevitable anyway and paying extra rent or staying in a friend’s garage for a couple of months beats the emotional pain of living with someone you love or loved but are trying to detach from.

Technically divorce is simple with you two: No kids, comparable income… It’s simply several pluses, several minuses and then divide by two.

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Manual – I’m going to make this offer once and frankly if you don’t respond then I’m moving on from this thread. Go look at my last post.

What do YOU need to reconcile?

What conditions would she need to meet so you could reconcile?

Give us that list, we can go over it with you and get you some focus and maybe that will help you decide whether divorce is inevitable or if you have a shot at r.

M - you have been decisive and stuck to your guns so far. Remember that she after dday she went to OM two days in a row to have sex. You are being emotionally manipulated by someone who knows how to push your buttons.

I normally advocate reconciliation. I don't think it is a good idea in your situation. Reconciliation requires remorse... You do not have a wayward with remorse, you have a wayward who is in shock at the consequences of her action.

I would follow through with the divorce. Again she went to OM after dday. Twice. She wasn't willing to spend two days making it up to you after being caught... how can you possible believe that she will put YEARS of really, really hard and unpleasant work into fixing herself AND the mess she made.

You have no kids, only married seven years (yes I understand you have been with her longer but you are in what most states consider a short term marriage) and have comparatively limited assets together.

Think long and hard before reversing your course here. Stay the course. Stay strong.

MGTR,

Think about a polygraph. Not to catch her in more lies. But to establish a base line from which you can make further decisions.

Read DazedandLost's thread. His WW pulled some horrendous shit on him. The poly, which she passed, has given him a basis to see things through a while longer to see if she can prove she is marriage material worthy of him.

After DD your WW doubled down by taking things physical. That was an unusual step. Her passing a poly would at least tell you the totality of what you are dealing with in her affair, and test whether she has been NC.

Stay strong. Lots of support here.

GTR, there is no shame in deciding to give her the gift of R. Please don't feel that you have to be macho to save face. Only you know your wife. There are MANY BHs who successfully R after being betrayed.

I've been both a WH and 4 years later I was on the receiving end, becoming a BH. Neither of our PAs went to the sex level but that didn't make the betrayal any less painful. That was 17 years ago. Now I've been with my wife for 30 years, 27 married and we have 4 kids, 2 of which came AFTER we decided to R.

I attribute our ability to R to having God heal our marriage and the blessing of having 2 more kids. Was it easy? No. Do I sometimes feel the hurt? Yes. Do I regret it, No.

My wife did that, but from the start andvitbturned out OK. She has lived up to it. I had two kids, about 20 years. It bothers me that you wife didn't flop around on the floor from the minute you confronted. The cheating is a trauma you never forget.

I heard you say the magic words a few posts back I felt, something like if your wife cheated, which you know so well and figured she absolutely never would, how can you ever not feel like any woman you meet might eventually cheat. Absolutely, I know some women would never cheat, but how can you identify that?

Did you ask her if she is in contact with other man? What was her explanation, if she loves you and can't bear losing you, and never wanted to leave you, did she secretly meet and have sex with other man (for the first time) AFTER you confronted?

What changed now? She thought she could fuck with you, make you play the pick me dance, and then when you wouldn't she coincidentally realized she's not confused anymore? I just have a problem with that. Maybe that's not a sticking point for you.

There was a thread a while back. It was a guy whose fiance cheated on him. The whole shtick you're going through now. She threw everything at him except but the kitchen sink, very convincing, she learned her lesson, he's the love of her life, etc. Then a month or so down the line, he caught her messaging the other man.

I say go slow, continue the divorce for now, let her prove it for awhile. Only two weeks ago she was going full throttle in the opposite direction.

Are you still planning to move in with your parents for awhile?

Is the fact that she screwed the POSOM after dd a deal breaker or not? If not then give her a chance, if it is, leave.

You still love her so what is it going to hurt to give it a few weeks or a month to see how you feel. Make no promises to her.

M - you have been decisive and stuck to your guns so far. Remember that she after dday she went to OM two days in a row to have sex. You are being emotionally manipulated by someone who knows how to push your buttons.

I normally advocate reconciliation. I don't think it is a good idea in your situation. Reconciliation requires remorse... You do not have a wayward with remorse, you have a wayward who is in shock at the consequences of her action.

I would follow through with the divorce. Again she went to OM after dday. Twice. She wasn't willing to spend two days making it up to you after being caught... how can you possible believe that she will put YEARS of really, really hard and unpleasant work into fixing herself AND the mess she made.

You have no kids, only married seven years (yes I understand you have been with her longer but you are in what most states consider a short term marriage) and have comparatively limited assets together.

Think long and hard before reversing your course here. Stay the course. Stay strong.

With the disclaimer that I agree with Bigger's sage advice they if it's a divorce then just cut things humanely and with compassion...

That's why I think he needs more info. She got caught and her first impulse was to consummate her relationship with her boyfriend. She either learned something about him then, or he said something to her, that made her come back to Manual. It's a fact beyond fact that once she chose to consummate she made her decision.

What changed? If the answer to Bigger is that he would like to reconcile then he needs to find out. He would also need to point her to confirm that she's actually been NC (I'll give $500 to a charity of Manual's choice if she has been, she's a pretty typical cheater this far)