SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's the deal.

I've been going out with someone for a while. There were some yellow flags, what just might have been a red one or two if we got real serious, and some good times what with going out to eat, explore, etc. and being, in general, respectful and respected.

And then it became much more apparent that she was more into me than I was into her when she started talking about Moving In Together...

I thought about things for a few days. I read WornDown's post on breaking up. I thought. I talked about it with trusted friends. I agonized a bit, and frankly I put things off for a bit hoping against hope that the Universe would suddenly see fit to realign itself with my desires.

As many a Gentle Reader will correctly intuit, the Universe did no such thing.

So I broke it off. I hated doing that for a couple of reasons. First, she was a friend and fun to do things with. Second, I really hated hurting her. I think because I've been similarly hurt and I don't wish it on anyone. Possibly I'm just hugely conflict-avoidant and didn't want to cause myself any discomfort at all IYKWIM. Personally, I like the first of those two options better than I like the second. Again, that could be self-serving because I want to think well of myself.

There were the expected tears. After all, I broke some level of trust and/or hope that she had. I did my best to comfort without backing down and without being condescending or treacly or anything like that. I honestly felt badly for her and told her that this was truly a case of just not being at the same level and it not being fair, that she deserves someone who is as into her as she is into them.

Then I told a few friends what I had done and they agreed that it was For The Best and then they comforted me a bit which actually made me feel about this >< tall.

I did find one thing out, though - people who claim that they weren't allowed to talk in a previous relationship will not automatically _want_ to talk about things in a new relationship. I seem to be a talker, sharer, communicator who talks not only about things, but about the meanings of the things and sometimes even the whichness of the why. I seem to need that in turn.

I guess that I think that talking is wonderful and anybody would just jump right into talking a lot if they were given the opportunity, seeing how cool it is and all. Kind of like breathing. _Everybody_ likes that, especially those folks who have been deprived of it recently.

Onward...

I am sorry she wasn't the one for you DM. As far as conflict avoidant, I tend to do the same thing at times when I really would like to say what I am thinking. SO is worse than I am and has never disagreed with me in the year we have been together. He is more into me than I am him however and I am hoping the new LDR will help balance that out as I continue to heal. We shall see. No big red flags, but he did lie to me by omission the other day and I called him out on it. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset at the person for the way she treated him (old job related crap), but it was not my issue to deal with. I told him it was still lying in my book and I did not tolerate lying no matter what the reason.

This new dating crap is hard. I don't know if it is harder now because of the infidelity. It was so much easier when you didn't have so many boundaries and you didn't look at everyone as if they might be just like your X's. Maybe it's our age and not wanting to settle anymore. Maybe it's harder because the people we are dating have a long history that didn't include us and the same for them. Just getting to know someone sometimes feels like a job in itself. We all have skeletons in our closets and times we were not proud of over the years.

Hang in there. They say it gets easier and it does a little at a time. I think I am on the 5yr plan at this point of feeling fully healed. Maybe you are too.

So I broke it off. I hated doing that for a couple of reasons. First, she was a friend and fun to do things with. Second, I really hated hurting her. I think because I've been similarly hurt and I don't wish it on anyone. Possibly I'm just hugely conflict-avoidant and didn't want to cause myself any discomfort at all IYKWIM. Personally, I like the first of those two options better than I like the second. Again, that could be self-serving because I want to think well of myself.

Good job being honest with her.

My now ex-GF was like you describe above. She didn't come out and say it (or maybe even kept the relationship going longer than it should have), for those very reasons.

All it did was cause me more pain (deeper feelings, limbo, etc.).

I don't have ill-will toward her, because "it" just wasn't there for her. Not really her fault.

But honesty, even when it comes with hurting someone, is best, IMO.

This new dating crap is hard...Just getting to know someone sometimes feels like a job in itself. We all have skeletons in our closets and times we were not proud of over the years.

Amen to this^^^.

Today I downloaded an OLD site - just to see what's out there; I'm not going to be dating for a while. Reading some of the profiles-whew...

I think I'm going back to my original plan just before I accidentally met my exGF.

Curious.. Why not tell her to back it down? Seems like you had some flags, but enjoyed each others company.

I've had something similar. Look, getting both of you on the same page at the same time is difficult, especially when coming out of an affair.

If the flags were there and it was a long term no-go, then you did the right thing.

If she was just a bit more into it than you and it's mainly a timing thing, ask her to back it down... You never know what might happen... No need to be so black and white about it? Maybe...

Ok, so being fair to me - I didn't drag this out. Once I really figured it out and thought about it I told her pretty quickly. After all, why keep her hanging?

So, it has been since last Thursday? Wednesday? (old motorcycle injury and exact dates - they just don't happen) She's started calling me and texting, with "I left this at your place a while back - I'll be by to pick it up" type stuff.

Really?

Anyhoo, to answer questions:

I didn't tell her to back it off because my take on it is she feels what she feels. I don't return the same level of regard, more like close friends, and how would that look if I were (when I do) start dating someone else? That would just suck for her.

I was feeling close friends level because it recently became apparent that we just aren't (IMHO) suited for more. I gave it my best shot, I really did, but she kept throwing curve balls. Difficulty discussing things without being cute and/or coy. The way that she routinely spoke to her family members, her attitude about work, things just kept being not right.

And so when she suggested more in a "somebody suggested that we..." manner I knew that it wasn't for me and that it had gone far enough.

And now she's started texting reasons to show up at my house. Where's a gated community when you need one?

And that last post was me being a bit tired after a 10 hour work day and a little frustrated. I should explain a bit better.

When I broke it off with her she tried to remove and return a nice charm bracelet with charms representing her daughters' birth months that I had given her for her birthday a short time ago. I told her that she should keep it, that it was for her and that I meant it as a gift and all that.

She and I had, on an early date, found a drink that we both enjoyed so she brought over some alcohol, cocktail glasses, and a shaker that I had none of to try making the same drink when we made dinner at my house. We made a few, but by no means consumed the entire amount and so I eventually suggested that she take it home. Her answer then was that I needed the shaker and glasses and she didn't want any alcohol at home because her daughters (one minor, one bipolar adult) might get into it. Now she wants it back.

Anybody got any idea of the legality of leaving opened, non-empty bottles of liquor on your back porch in a neighborhood with kids after I leave for work? That was her suggestion. I haven't responded but it feels irresponsible to me.

I'm trying not to drag this out. I'm trying to be nice, respectful, and not keep communicating because we're finished. I did try, in my rather long-winded and gentle fashion, to talk about things during our dating time and kept getting - no response? shut down? avoidant behaviors? nose in an Android tablet? all of those things happened.

Upset people do upsetting things and in a call last night that I let go to voice mail her tone was contemptuous, a bit derogatory, and a bit miffed. A tone near one that she employs with family but never with me before.

Ah, well, I'm either a bit of a worry-wart or a planner-aheader, one. I think that my best bet is to text offering to drop things off at her house while she's there.

Angry, yelling women are a particularly triggery thing with me. With Mom it was either nice, sexual abuse, or being beaten bloody and when a woman gets really angry with me my inner six-year old wants to stick his head out and worry.

I think you did it right. Her calling you is just her being in denial (one of the phases of grief - I know, I'm still occasionally there).

I'd just box up her stuff and drop it off at her house. Just leave it outside her door, no need to talk with her. Just drop it off like UPS.

Sidenote: I have a similar problem, but in reverse. She left some things at my house - a 23' boat, a small oven. I eventually want it gone, but I don't want to see her right now, so I think it'll be here for a bit. Can't really box that up and drop it off...

WornDown, put the oven in the boat, in a big bag, rent a truck with a trailer hitch, and surprise her!

She'll wake up one morning and ta-da! a boat with an oven in the driveway. Or, viewed in another way, a mobile oven with its own carrying case - a boat!

<whistles>Always look on the bright side of life! (Monty Python song reference)

edit -

WD, I get it. In your case she was just dragging it out to make you the bad guy I think is a possibility. That's the part I really took from your hurting, make it quick and decisive once you've decided. And you owe it to another human being to decide once and for all and after balancing it all and trying to talk.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and I do thank you for posting. It helped.

[This message edited by devotedman at 8:01 AM, February 15th, 2017 (Wednesday)]

Okay, enough time has passed since my last post that an edit feels wrong.

WD, my main problem with dropping off a box is that the amount of liquor to return would constitute a certainly-lethal poisonous dose if a kid got hold of it. Her daughters are 1) a minor and 2) irresponsible adult, and there are kids in both of our neighborhoods, so leaving the liquor unattended feels irresponsible.

Gah. Hooked on that one, I am.

I thought it was more than just the booze. If it's just booze, I'd dump it (which reminds me - mine left some Bailey's here).

To be clear, I think in my case, she just didn't want to hurt me by breaking up - she just tried to avoid it. A bit immature, sure. But I don't think she did it to make me the bad guy - she just doesn't have that malice in her. This is the woman who when her boat nearly sunk (why it's in my backyard) cried, I must have done something wrong to someone in my life. And meant it.

I don't have bad feelings for her because we didn't work out. Shit happens. But, then again, I don't think I've hit the anger phase of grieving yet.

I still think you did the right thing by ending it. Breaking up is hard, and it's painful for the one that didn't want it to end (don't ask me how I know ). But sooner is better than later. I'm relearning that lesson...

[This message edited by WornDown at 8:23 AM, February 15th (Wednesday)]

Just a thought here.

Drop off box containing everything but the alcohol. Put in dollar amount of what it would cost to replace.

Now no chance of the kids getting to alcohol.

Can, I do appreciate the input.

I think that this is a bit of control. Sort of a last gasp. I texted her about not wanting to do a "booze drop" unattended and she said ok. I said that I'd be happy to drop stuff off and she said ok. Then she said, well, must be before 6PM and no weekends.

Which could not be more precisely calculated to be a pain in my ass, given my work hours and distances involved. I'm virtually forced to take vacation.

So, I'm letting it go. Pretty soon I'll go all blockies on her number and that'll be that. Let her have a bit of control, or the ghost of it, because it is really no skin off of my back. And if it makes her feel better, well, more power to her.

Sorry you've got a class III cling-on

Isn't it illegal to have open alcohol in a vehicle? As in, it has been opened, some of it consumed, and the cap put back on.

Oh FFS, drop off a check for the amount that the booze would cost. Does it have gold flakes in it or something?

How about just leave it outside your door and tell her she can come get it. But really I wouldn't worry about it.

It's absurd she wants alcohol back, seems like she's just clinging to a tiny thread right now. If she keeps pushing it, drop a check into the mail for her. Something of value, I understand, booze is ridiculous. After break ups I've just cut my losses if I've left little things at someone's home

Isn't it illegal to have open alcohol in a vehicle?

In the passenger cabin, yes. That's what the trunk is for!

Oh FFS, drop off a check for the amount that the booze would cost. Does it have gold flakes in it or something?

No, it has emotional attachment all through it.

More valuable than gold, that. Control.

Why wouldn't you just box it up like a UPS or Amazon delivery and leave it on her doorstep?

If it's addressed to her, are you saying her daughters would automatically get there first and open it and drink it, regardless?

If so, I agree with the idea of money value plus the glasses and shaker she supposedly wants.

Or just let her come get it from YOUR doorstep all boxed up at her convenience.

I'm confused why this is wasting any more headspace of yours.