SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I just found this site yesterday and have been trying to read everything I can. I went back and forth about posting this because I am so embarrassed but I don't really have anywhere to turn.

My wife and I have been married for almost two years. We met in college and dated during our junior and senior years and I proposed to her at the end of senior year. We are both educated and went to a well-known liberal arts college.

We got married at a destination wedding in Mexico and we invited a lot of her friends (both men and women) to the wedding. I don't have many friends, and my parents have both passed away, so it was mostly her friends in attendance.

The wedding was beautiful and expensive but I couldn't help feeling like something was off. She didn't seem to want to spend time alone with me, and during the honeymoon (we stayed at the same resort as did her friends for the week after the wedding) she often would take off and drink with her friends while I stayed behind. Or I would propose going snorkeling or hiking and she would stay behind while I went by myself.

I love my wife a lot but I don't feel like she cares as much about me. We have argued a lot about sex because she claims she just doesn't need/want it and I feel like I need to get it from somewhere. But I have been understanding and haven't pressed her and we have gone now for over a year since we've done anything physical.

Two weekends ago, she came home very drunk from a night out with her friends. She was playing on her phone on the couch and fell asleep/passed out. I usually cannot get into her phone as she uses the fingerprint reader and hides the passcode from me. (She is very secretive about her phone and never leaves it unattended.)

I felt guilty but also some part of me had a suspicion and I took her phone which was unlocked off the couch and start flipping through photos. My heart sank. There were pictures of her chest area, of her groin, naked. Pictures of her topless kissing a guy I know as one of her friends.

I kept scrolling back, feeling like I was going to vomit. There were probably 500 pictures, going back to our wedding weekend (and before). There are pictures in our honeymoon suite at the hotel where this friend is holding up my underwear and stretching them out (I am little overweight ) while my wife holds up middle finger to them. There are pictures of her with her mouth on a man's erect genitals... we have never taken photos like that. There are several pictures that showed the very graphic ending of a sex act on her face and on her chest.

I truly felt like I was going to black out so I put the phone back and went up to bed. I didn't sleep for the whole night and I haven't slept much since.

I don't know what to do. I haven't mentioned to my wife that I saw any of these and I feel very guilty for going through her phone which I know I shouldn't have done. I know if I mention doing that she will get very angry with me and I don't want to do anything that would prevent reconciliation.

But I also feel humiliated and I can hardly look at her and I feel like I don't know what to say to her. I feel like it is just going to go on this way forever. Her

Facebook list is full of pictures with this friend, hiking, drinking beers, wine tasting, etc. I just keep looking at them and staring. He has clicked Like on many photos of my wife and I doing things on Facebook too.

What do I do? I don't really have friends to turn to, and all of our shared friends are really her friends. Obviously I want to stay married but I feel betrayed and humiliated and confused and angry. To think about how he has been using my wife and to have seen the pictures of it. I keep playing them over and over again in my mind. Seeing her do things she doesn't/won't do with me. All the lies about how she doesn't want/need sex.

Please help. I feel so down and alone and low. I need to save my marriage.

Hi..first things first...you are here..thats the first step..

I suggest you identify the reasons you wish to stay in this marriage, to be with this person. I suggest getting tested for STDs..it sucks,but its necessary..plus it helps with healing. Confronting her based on how you discovered sucks..but ya know what? Whats been ongoing sucks even more...and seriously the level that she has mistreated you, please know thats much higher caliber than fumbling thru her cell phone. Can you put space? Maybe stay with a friend for a weekend? ((Hugs))

Please help. I feel so down and alone and low. I need to save my marriage.

From what you've described here, there's nothing that looks like it could be worth saving.

I mean, she didn't give a crap about you.... on your wedding day.And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The only thing you can save at this point is yourself.From that horrible woman.

[This message edited by xrnpc at 5:13 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

friend, you need to forget about reconciliation. really. you need to show some self respect. Your wife doesn't love you, doesn't desire you, doesn't respect you, doesn't even like you. You need to leave and file for divorce.

that's the truth.

I'm sorry to say this. I know how you must feel. But you need to stop being needy. You need to stand up for yourself. no one else will. You have to. What she has done and continues to do is unforgivable. And be honest, how can she do these things if she has any respect or love for you at all? She can't. I don't know why she married you. But I know I would be remiss if I didn't recommend you leave her as soon as possible.

If you hang on and try to reconcile and beg and plead, it ultimately will be very detrimental to your self esteem and well being.

Get angry brother! You deserve better than this. We all do.

good luck.

My friend you are a victim of horrible abuse. But you are lucky that you have discovered it this early. If you have family and friends please let them know. Find a lawyer and remove this woman from your life. The veteran will be here offering great advice. Listen to them if you want to get out.

Sweetie, very gently, you're still quite young so please understand that I'm only looking out for your best interests.

RUN!

There is nothing to save here. She's been cheating on you since before you were married (you know it didn't start on your honeymoon right?). She's taken all sorts of pics showing her disrespecting you, and she tells you some bullshit story about how she doesn't want sex. She's using you, I'm guessing for financial stability, but you have to put a stop to this shit. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but healing from infidelity takes 3-5 years and requires a partner who is honest, transparent, remorseful, and willing to put everything in to the relationship, and even then, you will never forget.

Don't waste years of your life on this woman. Get yourself into IC, you're going to need it to get over those pics, and schedule STD testing for yourself. Kick your WW out and go see an attorney, you may be able to file for an annulment.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, you did nothing to cause this, but you sure as hell can put a stop to it.

Welcome, brokendreams94. I am so very sorry that you had to come find us, but we are all here for you to support you.

I'm glad that you're reading. Make sure to read The Healing Library (link located in the yellow box at the top left of your screen) completely. Go to the first 2-3 pages of this forum and read anything that has a red "bulls eye" next to it. All articles from people who are experienced.

I need to save my marriage.

Get this through your mind, if you get no other truth embedded. YOU cannot save your marriage. It takes two, utterly committed people, to save a marriage, and even then, it's iffy. YOU could not keep your WW (Wayward Wife, one who cheats) faithful to you, because she made a CHOICE, a DECISION, to be unfaithful to you. From the moment you proposed to her, during your wedding, throughout your honeymoon, and up to this point. She has chosen to screw other people. You cannot save that which you do not have a faithful marriage. You cannot control her. You can only control yourself.

Are you OK with having an open marriage in which, your WW choses to have sex with at least one OM (Other Man, the person she is committing adultery with) and not with you? If you are, continue on as you are. Because that is the place that you are in. The place that you will continue to be in, until you do something different.

You have to be willing and able to lose the marriage to get yourself out of infidelity. There is simply no other way. As long as you are the person who needs the most, and is willing to give in the most, you will always be the weaker partner in this "marriage" and you will have no power whatsoever. You need to love YOURSELF more than this travesty of a marriage. YOU are the only person who can get yourself out of infidelity.

Yes, I am speaking with emphasis. With as much compassion as I can. I know, we know that you're hurting and in pain. We can give you all of the support that we can, but you are the ONLY person who can get yourself out of infidelity. And that's by detaching, seeing your situation as if the brother you love most in life was going through the same thing, and thinking of what you would advise him to do.

You're not alone. We're here for you.

brokendreams,

so sorry you are here. as everyone here is already telling you. RUN, cut your ties and RUN,

your WW has absolutely no respect for you and is humiliating you with the OM. what can you gain from staying in this relationship.

I don't know why she married you, money? stability? it certainly isn't love.

get out and quickly.

good luck

Sorry you find yourself here. At the same time, it is the very best place for you to be.

I want to stay married...I need to save my marriage.

and

I know if I mention doing that she will get very angry with me and I don't want to do anything that would prevent reconciliation.

That you believe she would get angry at you for discovering her infidelity, rather than feeling what you feel...humiliation, embarrassment, guilt, speaks to co-dependency on your part. Get a copy of No More Mister Nice Guy, read it, reread it, and highlight the parts that resonate with you. I believe you will see a lot of you reflected in those pages.

To survive infidelity you have to get out of infidelity. That requires strength and courage on your part. You may not get out of infidelity except by getting out of the marriage. You may want reconciliation but it will not work unless your WW (wandering wife) becomes remorseful for her actions and fully commits to being a safe partner for you. Her words will mean nothing.

You'll find that most posters giving you advice will recommend that you file for divorce immediately to gain back your power. Your marriage has been a fraud. She has been unfaithful before your marriage, during your honeymoon, and continuously since. She has never been faithful to you. Since your marriage never existed there isn't anything to salvage.

I would not confront right now because you are too vulnerable and fearful. You recognize that she will redirect blame to you for violating her privacy (really her secrecy), she will minimize what you think you saw, blame shift, and gas light you.

You'll receive more input from other members and use their advice to fashion a plan. Just be prepared to hear that there is nothing to salvage, she's proven she isn't marriage material, and is too disordered to hope for a positive outcome.

Please read NMMNG. If you identify yourself with what is written, it doesn't mean that you in anyway are responsible for your WW's cheating. That is all on her.

Stay strong, keep posting, others will be along to help.

Thank you for all the responses. In reading my story and the responses I feel like I haven't told the whole story.

My wife is my best friend, she has many good characteristics, is funny and pretty and I have been with her now for over 4 years. I didn't have an opportunity to have a serious girlfriend before her (maybe because of my shyness and looks) and so this is not something I want to just give up on.

Also, she does not have a job and plans to stay at home when we have children... so if we were to split up I don't know where she would get financial support. She uses my credit cards and my job pays for them. It hurts so much to think that maybe we won't get to have children together now.

So yes I am angry but mostly I am hurt and humiliated and embarrassed and just stunned. I keep thinking who is this person and all the nights (sometimes 4 or 5 nights per week) when she stays out until 1 or 2am when I have to go to bed by 10 for work, is she where she says she is?

Should I mention to her that I saw these things on her phone? How do I do that considering that I violated her trust by looking through her phone? I don't want to make a bad thing even worse.

My friend, why are you worrying about violating HER trust??? She didn't worry about violating YOUR trust, or your marriage vows!!!

I know it's hard to hear this, but there is nothing worth saving in your marriage. If you get divorced and she has to provide for herself, well, she'll just have to pull up her big girl panties and figure that out herself.

Why is your work paying her her personal stuff charged on corporate cards??? That's a big huge no no.

friend, I say this gently, because I feel sorry for you..

she has cheated on you, lied to you, disrespected you, humiliated you, and refused to have sex with you.

and you're worried about her opinion that you read her phone.

if you want to be a cuckold, keep worrying about her opinion of you. if you're ok with that, and ok with raising other men's children when your wife tells you they're yours, keep doing what you're doing.

I really do hope you pull out of this. I'm afraid I don't see a happy life for you.

good luck

Get out of this now and don't look back, ever!!!

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:04 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

I am sorry you are here, but as others have said, you are in the best place to get help. I usually don't tell any BS how what to do with regard to Divorce. In your instance, I have to say what others have said: RUN You said your wife is your best friend. Guess what? ALL of us BS here on SI will tell you that our WS were also OUR best friends. Our best friends cheated us out of a committed marriage. Your best friend started cheating well BEFORE you got married to her. She has disrespected you and your marriage. You have to realize the power YOU have at this point. Make her leave - it is NOT your responsibility to worry about her financial well being any longer. She sure as hell has not been worried about YOU at ALL. I hate saying such hurtful things to you, but what I say is truth. I know what you are feeling is scary. Shock, denial (although not sure you can deny what you have seen with your own eyes), fear, sickness. This is pure devastation and trauma at the highest level. Please get yourself to a lawyer asap and get yourself together. Find a good counselor to help you work through your feelings. This is a crazy journey and you are going to need help to get thru this. Keep posting here. There are so many more experienced people here and I know they will have their own great advice for your situation. I wish you strength and courage to stand up to her and get yourself removed from this marriage and infidelity. Peace to you!

I'm going to express some things that you may not like but I'm going to be as gentle as I can. One of the best ways to look at this situation is through the Brother test: Imagine your brother or good male friend comes to you and tells you the EXACT story you've related here. What would your advice to them be?

My wife is my best friend

As others have said, she's been cheating on you for over two years. This doesn't even sound like a "decent" friend, much less a "best" one.

she has many good characteristics

I don't doubt this but LOYALTY, HONESTY, RESPECT do not seem to be among them. From what I've heard Jodi Arias (the woman who throat-slit, stabbed and shot her boyfriend) is quite the accomplished artist and singer. One could say SHE has many good characteristics. But I would still run as far from her as I could.

Also, she does not have a job ... so if we were to split up I don't know where she would get financial support.

Her boyfriend, maybe? I would check with a lawyer to see what your options are. You should be more to her than a wallet. I would suggest if you can get access to her phone again, I would try to back up all the pictures, that would likely be useful in case of a divorce.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean. But as I'm reading this, it just smacks of Decent Guy being Used.

Hi Brokendreams - Your gut instincts told you something was very wrong. She's not working, yet spends your money, goes out with other men, including during your honeymoon and YOU are the one worried she'll be mad that you saw the proof she hid on her phone? You've got it all wrong. Your wife is no lady. She is NOT your best friend. This woman is a disease. She will slowly destroy you if you don't get rid of her. There is NOTHING to save.

Look up divorce attorneys in your area, call for a free consultation, then file. It sounds as if she's keeping you in her backpocket for financial reasons. She doesn't have a job? That's not your problem anymore. You just found out she hasn't been faithful to you ever. She's NOT your best friend. The guy with his dick in her mouth can worry about her.

I wouldn't say a damn word to her. File for divorce, get her out of your home. After she's been handed divorce papers and she comes crying back to you as her sugar-daddy, tell her you saw her phone. Period. End of sentence.

When we are young like you, we make mistakes. She's one of them. Let go of her and move on. You deserve so much better.

Gently, there is nothing here to save. She is using you as a paycheck so she can go out and party 4 or 5 nights a week, buy her clothes, her shoes, food, etc. What is worse, you're working to support her boyfriend as well.

If you can stand the wait, get into her phone again once she gets drunk and forward the incriminating pictures to your email. Download those pics onto a thumb drive, and give to an outside family member for safe keeping. Use those pictures to file for an at-fault divorce, with adultery as the cause. Do not let her know that you gilded until she is served, and have her move out of your house/apartment. If she won't move, then you only pay your half of the rent, and force her to put on her big girl panties and get a f'ing job.

I'm so sorry that your WW has been so cruel to you. I know it hurts.

Take the advice here and get out of that mess.

You did not deserve this. You did nothing wrong. Your WW has no soul. She is abusing and using you.

Get a lawyer ASAP.

Call tomorrow for an appointment for IC. This is going to be hard for you but you can do it. Find your strength and save YOURSELF.

Read the healing library and keep posting. You will survive this. You will start a new life, where you will be happy. It will just take time.

Dear broken,

I know you can't really think straight now and the pain is just overwhelming.

But you wrote about having kids. I really want you to think about a innocent kid getting involved in a unhealthy marriage. Even if you cant see it right now but in your heart you know. This woman you don't want to choose to be the mother of your kids. She has no moraly or character to teach an innocent child and she does not care about health and exposes you to STD without any second thoughts.

If you want to stay with a wife, who does not respect you and enjoys sex and drinking with other guys, its your choice and your life.

But please think twice getting a child in this toxic living situation.

Hi Broken,

I am so sorry you are here and that you have been treated this way. You have found an awesome source of support. I could not have made it through the last four months without the fantastic people here.

A few thoughts for you, feel free to ignore and please know everything is said out of concern.

First, you will get through this, I promise. These terrifying, agonizing first few months do end. Feel everything you are feeling, don't minimize it and don't let her minimize it.

Second, DO NOT feel embarrassed. She did this. Her behavior is atrocious. That is not a reflection on you and your worth as a person. That is 100% on her.

Third, you are right she does not care about you as much as you care about her. Leaving you to party with friends during the wedding is clear enough evidence of this. The constant infidelity screams it.

And finally, you can't save your marriage. No matter how hard you try or how much you love your wife, you cannot do a marriage alone. Marriage requires two people, by definition. She has never even tried to be a part of this.

You will break your heart again and again trying to save this and still end up with the same result.

Keep posting and read all the good stuff in the healing library. You are among friends here and you have the support you will need going forward. Hang on, you will get through this.