SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your wife's uncle is married with kids? And does his wife know what is going on--all of it? I will bet you a million bucks that she does not, and when she finds out, she will not be ok with it. You may think it is ok that they are best buddies, but his wife will not. Please let her know asap.

^^^^^^

This. Tell your step uncle inlaw's wife. I Guarantee she won't like it. And two sets of eyes are better than one

At minimum, this is an emotional affair. Only high school kids spend that much time on the phone, texting, skyping etc. Emotional affairs are just as damaging to marriages as physical ones.

Been there. Done that. Thought my husband's relationship was innocent. Turns out it wasn't....and it led to a second physical affair too

I'm sure you're thinking we're a bunch of bitter betrayed spouses. That we don't know your wife, and we are all projecting our situations onto you.

Sadly,no. Many of us are here,years past dday,to give back to the site that saved us. I'm not bitter. Most of us aren't. And,while we don't know your wife, we have basically become experts in infidelity. We know the red flags, the excuses, the gaslighting. Cheaters aren't very original. So much so, that we joke about there being a Cheaters Handbook.

We all understand the need to trust your spouse. We understand why you're defending her. You love her. This is your wife.

But...she's also the other woman in this man's marriage.

Blunt. And I'm sorry. But it's the truth.

maybe I was a bit dire in my post

No. You weren't. The thing is there are patterns that cheaters follow. It is almost like there is a book called "Cheating 101" and they all have it. Your wife and her uncle are following the pattern exactly.

You're getting the responses you are because enough of us went through the same thing. We thought that we were being unreasonable. We thought that the marriage wasn't going so well because something was wrong with us. We thought that the relationship(s) our spouse was having really was *just friends*. We trusted completely. We learned the hard way and it was incredibly painful. We just want you to avoid as much of the pain as possible.

Since I do have a history of being controlling, healthy ways to bring that subject up are appreciated.

We don't have enough information to see if you are really have some issues with control or if it is mainly your wife (and her history of abuse) that uses that term to manipulate/control you. Regardless of where that all lands, the issue here is that you can't control her. She gets to make her own decisions. The only person you control is yourself.

That being said, you have a core set of needs -- to be loved and respected -- and that especially goes within a marriage. That forms your boundaries which are the same (that you won't tolerate anything less than being treated with love and respect). Whether your wife chooses to align her words, attitudes and actions to your boundaries is her choice. What I'll tell you is that this isn't loving or respectful...

- Sending thousands of texts to another man

- Spending hours online with another man

- Spending more time with another man than with you

- Rearranging her day/night to communicate with another man

- Cutting off contact with you while she is with another man

- Leaving you to "visit mom", but using it to spend day/night with another man

- Dismissing your feelings as being jealous and/or controlling in an attempt to manipulate you to back off

- Telling you that the other man is coming for a visit to your home

It isn't controlling to tell her that you feel disrespected/unloved and that you won't tolerate any of it going forward.

[This message edited by wifeloveuncle at 11:29 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by wifeloveuncle at 1:58 PM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

You admit she's at least having an EA. Reducing contact isn't an option. She will have to go completely NC...none.

And you will need to call his wife and tell her about the affair. Without telling your wife..otherwise she will warn him...And by the time you talk to his wife, she will have been told you're violent and abusive,so she won't listen to you.

Yeah...She wants to move near him? She thinks she's in love with him.

And as adults, they're behaving the way adults do when they have feelings for each other. They're having sex

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:19 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

wifeloveuncle; I really hate to say this but almost ALL of us had wive's that wouldn't have sex with somebody else, guess what they did. Some of us had a buddy who was a best friend (this is not me personally) and guess what they had sex with our wives.

Sneaking down the hall@ 4:30 is not that hard. I know that is NOT what you want to hear but that is reality. You are being lied to by your wife. Listen to the long term posters on this site. They have NO vested interest in anything except to help YOU get out of infidelity.

[This message edited by wifeloveuncle at 1:58 PM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

The woman is cheating on you. If she's not already physically involved with him, and based on the few posts you've made I'd say it's likely she is, she will be soon. She even wants you guys to move by him???

I think you're clinging on to false hope as well as some denial about what your wife is capable of, but as others have said it's a normal reaction.

You really need to get some concrete evidence of cheating. VAR in her car, private investigator, maybe get a hold of her phone, etc. As others have said you should probably try to get a hold of this guy's wife.

Thanks all. I just discovered http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 180 and I think that's exactly what I need to do while she's gone. She needs to know that if she decides to pursue this guy, I'll be moving on too. That actually helped me alot with concrete steps I can take this week

My wife's half-uncle (Mother's half-brother) recently became aware of my wife's family...

Gently, I don't think you wife views him as an uncle. It sound like he just parachuted into everyone's lives. Did she know him growing up? Spend time at family events? If not, the familial boundaries were never established.

If your brother or close friend told you this story, what would your dispassionate view be?

is there a chance this is platonic, and due to emotional immaturity my wife is just getting more involved than she should be?

What your wife is demonstrating is a total lack of boundaries, a willingness to chance after attention/approval/ego kibbles, a very self-centered mindset and an ability to manipulate others to get her own way. "Emotional immaturity" doesn't really fully describe what is going on here and platonic certainly doesn't apply either. I think better terms to apply would be "broken" or having a "character gap".

Of could this just be that my wife is expressing her frustrations in our marriage

Having an affair is 100% on her. She pursued it because of her own self-centered desires. Period. It is absolutely vital that you come to see this point.

It wasn't because of the "marriage" or you. It wasn't your fault. Nobody is perfect and no marriage is perfect. You own your own issues and you own your part of the marriage, but you don't own any of the affair.

I just discovered http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 180 and I think that's exactly what I need to do while she's gone.

The purpose of the 180 is for YOU to gain time/space to better see the situation you are in, get some breathing room from the control/manipulation you have been subjected to and to process what is the best move. It is not to agree to her demands for time/space (a typical cheater tactic to allow them to pursue the affair without interference) or to try to get her to change what she is doing.

I'm guessing that's her excuse to be able to be near him and do whatever she wants with him when I'm not around?

Yep.

I've decided...

We've all been through similar situations and we communicate in our own ways (including some being pretty forceful with words) to try to help you avoid the mistakes that we made. We understand, we care and we want to help you. But, ultimately, it is your decision. Whichever way you decide to go, we are still here to help however we can. I'm glad you found your way here. Keep posting!

Since you've chosen to stay quiet for the time being, I'd recommend looking through some of the other posts here. It will help you feel not so alone and it will also help you begin to see the patterns of behavior that are common across many stories.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:08 PM, March 6th (Monday)]

This is most certainly an EA, even if it hasn't moved onto a PA. Only being married 5yrs does not make them any safer. I have seen WS's on here and in real life that were cheating prior to and after they married their BS.

No one talks to their best friend that much, nor do we text in the middle of the night. I have an XBIL that I consider my brother and always will and he calls me Sis. Ours is a purely platonic relationship, but we only talk for a little while every month and never in the middle of the night. I would never cheat with him even though some of his past GF's didn't like us talking even for a few minutes a month. He is remarried and his new wife doesn't like me and I don't like her, but I don't have to live with her and have never hid anything from anyone and he hasn't either.

It maybe more on her side than it is on his, but that doesn't mean that they aren't on a very slippery slope. She has lied to you and is hiding her relationship with her half-uncle. If you have any chance of R, you need to nip this in the butt now and make her choose. Don't give her time to come up with more excuses and blame shifting. She is either in or she is out and all communication needs to come to a halt with her new BF. That isn't being controlling of her, it's called taking control of your own life and letting her know what you will tolerate going forward. She needs IC because this is not just a normal A, it's an A that involves the whole family. Only IC can help a WS come to their why's. Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi WLU,

I think you need to check out this link;

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_sexual_attraction

It usually happens with adoption cases or half brother/sister relationships however I also feel that something along these lines may be happening here.

The advice you've received is spot on... if I may suggest, re-read your initial post and replace "half-uncle" with "male friend" because that's what he is. He's not an older blood uncle. He's a male friend that's clearly very interesting to your wife.

Would you be comfortable with you wife texting a "male friend" thousands of times? Or chatting on the couch until 4 am?

Just a different perspective.

Would you tell us how it came up that your MIL told you they weren't having sex?

it's insane that she can say 5 years of marriage were all her faking being in love with me and forcing it, because of a 4 month skype relationship with her uncle.

It's called re-writing marital history that gives her (in her mind) an excuse to pull away from you and give all her attention to another man.

What I find interesting is that she's told you she's not in love with you, yet she wants you to move with her. Why would she think you'd want to uproot yourself for someone who isn't all-in?

I predict that she's going to come home and say she'll consider working on the marriage if you agree to move (closer to him). She'll make it sound like it's about family and a fresh start or something, but its really so she can have her cake and eat it, too. He and she can pursue their A much easier, right under their spouses noses. She'll dangle the marriage like a carrot and make you feel crazy (or controlling) for not wanting to move. Because if you move, you can save your marriage.

Based on a conglomeration of stories I've read here over a couple years, that's pretty plausible. It would certainly follow the cheater's handbook.

Thanks all. I just discovered http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 180 and I think that's exactly what I need to do while she's gone. She needs to know that if she decides to pursue this guy, I'll be moving on too. That actually helped me alot with concrete steps I can take this week

This is just what I was going to suggest. If she wants NC, then show her what that really looks like.

You're wife's behavior reminds me of my rebellious 17yr old Step daughter. The more we try and enforce the rules in a traditional manner the more defiant she becomes.

She needs an IC for sure but it won't do any good unless she sees it.

This will sound harsh but if she is determined to get out of the M, right now you have leverage over her. She's in a hurry, you're not.

I suspect she may not want out of the marriage - at least not yet. Uncle is married with kids. The A is still pretty new. Unicorns and skittles abound. I suspect they're still "seeing where this will go" with each other. She wouldn't be ready to throw in the towel on her M until she's sure. That's why she's asked for NC with her H. So she's free to pursue the A and figure out her next move.

I suspect she's in no hurry. She's still stringing her H along. She might not even be sure who is Plan A and who is Plan B at the moment.

Can you hire a PI? Have you looked into putting a voice activated recorder in her car?

It's just not acceptable for a married person to have that sort of relationship with another person who is not their partner.

Listen, I'd bet good money she's having sex with him.

I'm sorry.