SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my wife breaking contact on more than one occasion.

My wife was not attempting to maintain the affair. Rather, she was controlling her environment the same old way, -by lying and manipulating. This was how she operated. Having a low self esteem and confidence, lying and manipulating were my wife's first tools of choice. This is how she addressed tough situations and got what she wanted. She didn't need a spine if she could manipulate people into giving her what she wanted.

Same here there was contact, but only to control the outcome. I was told it was an EA, but in reality it was a full blown PA - which I found out later.

While the first thought might be "Great, it wasn't because he/she wantede each other or to hook up", the problem is that they keep the lies going, they keep each other more important than the betrayed. Which for me the lies and making each other more important than me was even more painfull than meaningless sex they had.

still-living,

I don't mean to thread jack but I would like to ask if your Wife A was emotional?

Tnks

I would wait till the polygraph is done. Stop torturing yourself. The other option is to have a clean break.

i would definitely separate for a while why I figured this out, after the polygraph of course.

I am so sorry. Truly. Gosh to me it just does not matter at this point whether it is a small TT or a big TT, just the fact that she offered up something right away ONLY when you mentioned a poly is SO traumatic to a BS.

There it is...that quicksand we all talk about, there is just no even ground to stand on as they have proven once again that they cannot be truly open and honest and REAL with us.

I wish I would have done one back in the day, I was so shocked and all over the board and I guess at the end of the day not brave enough to do it back then. I also thought I knew most of what I needed to know, in hindsight I just don't think we emotionally CAN know or WANT to know when first discovered. I think that it is your rite to ask for what you want when you need it. If this will help you to heal.

It is up to you, but I get so sad when I see this kind of thing. What can we do? Accept it or get a D. Neither shit sandwich works, but its there in front of you anyway....pick one.

Hate it all.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Throughout your time here, too much time has been spent on your supposed shortcomings (your "pride", not making yourself vulnerable, having sex with your own wife after separation) post-DDay and not enough time has been spent on whether your WW is even a good candidate for R.

"Waited too long" applies to her also. Beyond tears and her, no doubt sincere regret what have has she actually done to change her thinking patterns?

During her affair, she put herself first. This is more of the same. Nothing has changed. She hasn't changed. Just the same old selfish, self-protection as her go to behaviour at your expense.

Write it off as something completely normal. I met with my AP about 6 months after we reconciled. She wanted closure, and showed up at my office. I politely asked her to leave and re-iterated my contention that the entire affair was a major error on my part. I asked that she never contact me again.

I have no want or need to ever see that person. These things happen. WWTL, don't throw it away, polygraph, then you can determine. Your wife used to have some brains. The affair sucked them out the back of her head. They are regrowing now.

Something about this was bothering me, and I think I figured out what it was.

Why meet him in person? If he called because he was afraid his life,would blow up..why risk it further by meeting in public? The PI caught them..both knew about he had caught them. So if OM was so worried, why take that chance? Whatever was said face to face, could have been said on the phone.

She went because there were feelings involved.

Either way..both knew the risk . Both didn't care.

And...really? It's been six years. How much longer is he supposed to wait while she "regrows her brain?" How much more damage should he have to endure while waiting on her to stop lying? How much more shit is he supposed to eat??

I'd STILL book that polygraph and DO NOT CANCEL it no matter how many more 'mini confessions' you get. She's a liar so you might as well find out what you're REALLY supposedly reconciling from.

At least she was smart enough not to bring him back to the house and screw him again

Don't be so sure.

Definitely go through with the polygraph. It will stop the guessing game going on inside your head. After it is over, you can go forward with confidence (D or R), knowing that have the truth.

Sorry, I've lost track of the details of what you've done.

In particular, did you ever lay out any requirements for R, like, for example, 'Come clean now. No more lies.'

If you did, it's pretty binary - she violated a requirement. Now it's up to you to enforce or change it.

If you didn't set that requirement, you're in a gray area. There's a substantial body of thought that says it's better for the M to hold back as much info as possible. SI hosts threads from time to time on 'Do you wish your WS hadn't confessed, if the A was over?', and each time, some people say they wish their WSes had kept quiet.

Her story sounds pretty reasonable to me for a WS a few weeks after d-day with a BS who keeps berating her and threatening D. I simply would not expect healthy behavior from a WS in that sitch.

I'd give her a pass on this, and set the 'come clean; no more lies' requirement.

wwtl,

I don't see it as a deal killer, but ... you have to make your own decision here.

*****************************

I still don't see any evidence that Mrs wwtl had multiple As. She met the contractor at home; they had sex at home; it sounds like an A of convenience - without the convenience, no A.

But there's no evidence for that, either. We simply don't know if Mrs wwtl had 1 or multpile As.

I think that the five years that the two of them rugswept kept it all alive. Had she faced consequences immediately, she would have not made a mistake all over again. Therefore I contend that the brain is now regrowing. She is experiencing what should have happened right after D-Day; she should have lost all of her friends right away, she should have become a social pariah. She should have lost everything. Instead WWTL suffered for those five years. Now, she knows she is risking everything, the parking lot confession came very late. Is it all? That is what the poly will determine.

I can't bring myself to blame her completely, however, if there is more, then she should have the grace to tell him and bow the hell out.

That sucks to hear man. I completely understand that this would bring your blood to boiling point again. What a pain.

Due to the strong likelihood that my WW's AP's spouse spilling the beans to me, my WW confessed a bunch of stuff 4 months after DDay. Among them was that she tried calling her AP numerous times after DDay, in hope of having closure.

If I were you, I would go through with the polygraph, and decide after that.

Confused and Mrhealed you are both correct that it made no sense for them to meet. I think he was scared shitless that I would follow through on my threat to not only tell his wife, but follow him job to job and tell my story to every husband wherever he tried to get work. Of course my wife never pleaded his case as then she would have given up that they met. As to wtf she was thinking, that's why I asked here.

She has no excuse other than she wasn't thinking clearly.and was disoriented. I was on a rampage when I was there, Or I would just disappear and not tell her what I was doing. She also wasn't getting much sleep, but of course neither was I. So bottom line, you are right it was just another stupid decision on both their parts

As to the Polly. She is running around trying to set one up, but frankly right now I don't give a shit about it. It could tell me she banged the 9th fleet, or she could finally have let everything out. I'm not sure it matters.

I was angry when I wrote the post, but now I am kind of ambivalent.

The worst part of this is we were actually having a pretty good time together playing golf and doing normal things like going for walks.

It feels like dday all over again with me being hurt, and her snot nosed crying and apologizing.

What a mess

Don't let her manipulate you again with the snot nose crying. She obviously is much more skilled at lying and manipulation than you believed in the past.

Honestly. We don't say this to be difficult, we truly do mean it when we say that ALL of us can tell you that we were FLOORED to find out more information. Why we think we know better, or our situation is different from everyone else or its the denial period for a BS and it just gets to be too much information overload.

WWTL, do what you want....but I do agree with the others, do not cancel that poly, in fact why are you letting HER set it up? If you want it done, you get the person set up, you set up the questions you want and just schedule it. Rip the bandaid off as they say.

But many times a BS just does not want to know...again I am not saying that in any way other then to just say it is so painful to us that we just cannot compute.

I don't know, I do and I don't find this surprising. In the aftermath of dday, waywards do stupid things. My dday was on Friday the 10th and on Monday the 13th, my WH had a 2 hour phone call with the COW still trying to control the situation. He told her I knew even though I specifically asked him not to. He handled everything wrong. She emailed me that day before I knew he even talked to her and insinuated that it was a PA while he was insisting it was an EA.

He read how to help your spouse heal - and still continued with trickle truth until he failed a polygraph over a month after the initial dday. It didn't matter how many times I begged for the truth - he still tried to lie on a damn polygraph. He still regrets that decision and blown $500. Waywards still do wayward things for awhile after dday. It takes time for the change to come.

I'm disappointed that she didn't tell you sooner. Trickle truth 6 years later is ridiculous. It sounds like she's been selfishly holding back this info and the part about your bed for all of these years because she desperately doesn't want to lose you. It was very selfish of her to not tell you, but I see why she hasn't. That's the whole point of trickle truth - trying to control the outcome and the Wayward being afraid that this bit of information will be the ultimate dealbreaker.

I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't put too much thought in the fact that she saw him after dday and that means she had feelings for him though. I think she was just a hot mess and confused and still Wayward. I'm sorry you are in this state again.

Poly questions...

1. Apart from OM, have you had sexual intercourse with anyone else since being married.

2. Have you had sexual contact with anyone apart from OM since being married? 5 Sexual contact includes, oral sex, fondling

3. Have you had any contact with OM (phone, email, in person), since dday, apart from the one time you've mentioned at the pizza place!

Sorry brother,

I know how much this hurts and it's something I've feared happening to me as well. I remember you describing that "sour stomach" feeling and it seems your gut was right. I too have been thinking of a poly after 3 years.

Only you know how "clear" your instructions have been to your wife about coming clean with all the details. I know that my wife would know that I would consider this meeting a complete, intentional, lie of omission. Your wife knows that it was information that you should have been told long ago. And she didn't tell u until she absolutely had to.

I'm putting myself in your shoes. I'm sure you've asked your wife if she had contact you didn't know about. I'm sure she said "you know everything". But, you didn't. She knew you didn't. She decided you didn't need to know.

I'm sorry, if I find myself in this situation, and I still may, I will end my marriage over it.

PM me if you would like to discuss. I'm really sorry this is happening. You deserve(d) better.