SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

6 years out and now.....now you want to do a poly? I think you continue to look for reasons to divorce her. Just call an attorney like I and many others told you to do after you moved far away and started fucking other women. You keep dragging innocent people into this mess including your kids. Just end it already geesh.

For the record I'd think if my BH wanted a poly even 3.5 years out where we are now I'd know he's looking for a reason to divorce me. He wouldn't be looking for truth since I've done the work he'd be on a witch hunt and I'd prepare accordingly. No parking lot confessions no but I'd know at this point in the game my days as his wife are numbered. I figure if my BH wanted to he could find some lie to justify anything he wanted at this point. It's not that hard to do when you're a fucked up, lying ass cheater.

I have keep up with your story from your first post. I have agreed with your actions most of the time but this time I must disagree. Especially since it was so long ago. The reason your wife did not tell you about her meeting with the OP is called SELF-PRESERVATION. By some of the comments, it doesn't appear as if anyone on SI has been in situations where their self-preservation is paramount. In my life, with the two professions I had, I have been in the self-preservation mode many times. I have never done anything dishonorable in these situations but I have done things that I saw as necessary to preserve my life and the lives I was responsible for. By your wife not telling you of the meeting, she was trying to hold on to the life she saw slipping away. Besides, you said yourself, you had not put a NC in place at that time. And you said your wife was weak. Weak people do dumb things sometimes, especially in dire situations. Are you looking for a reason to divorce? If so then just do it so that your wife doesn't keep holding on to that thread of hope. Yes, your wife did a vile, disrespectful, and despicable thing in her betrayal but she is sorry and very remorseful of her actions. She has been showing that for the last six years. Have you ever thought that if she didn't love you, was remorseful for her infidelity and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, she would have been long gone. She would have taken your offer of divorce, half of everything you owned, as well as spousal support and started a life with someone else. She didn't do that because she wanted you. She loved you. She has overlooked the women (more than one) that you have had sex with since you separated. Even as vengeful and nasty as I can be, sometimes, I think I would have to give her another chance. Lastly, I want to ask if you ever did anything about the SOB that talked your wife into the betrayal? There is no way under God's green earth I would let him walk away so he could pull the same s--t on someone else's wife. His life would not be all roses. Okay everyone can start with the azz chewing about my comments. It's okay. I've been chewed out by colonels and generals and have nothing but scar tissue where my butt use to be. I do really and truly wish you well.

^^^^^^^^^^ Wow, so those last two posts were completely uncalled for unnecessarily harsh.

@Isuck: Respectfully, it really does seem like your projecting whatever frustrations you have about your husband onto waited. Thats completely unfair. It would be one thing if the threat of the poly didn't reveal anything, but it did, and it revealed something pretty substantial. Dragging innocent people into this? He asked his daughter not to come down, but she is choosing to do so anyway. Thats not on him.

@Anoldion: I honestly have no idea the point you're trying to make dude. So if I get this straight, TT is just par for the course and he should just accept it because she did it out of self preservation because she loves him so much? In addition, you labeled her as remorseful. Maybe you and I have different definitions of that word. I don't consider somebody remorseful when they still continue to omit information six years later, especially when its vital information like the lie she held on to.

Both of you seem to be very pissed off at the fact that he separated from his wife and chose to date other women. I guess it doesn't matter that it was her decision to separate and not divorce. I also guess it doesn't matter that waited told her that she was free to do the same thing.

@Waited, as you can see from some of the posts that you have been getting, people want you to make a decision about your marriage even though its not their marriage or their life. Personally, I feel for you bro. I think its sad that things were beginning to turn around and now you get hit with something else years after the fact. My advice still stands, you do what YOU need to do.

Wwtl knows I'm in his court. We've pm'ed many times and we are both wrestling with the same issues. I consider him a friend and I don't know his name. We've suffered similar circumstances and are both wrestling with forgiveness for a violation of our core being by the person who we would have killed for if necessary. I know and am living the same horrible choice he is wrestling with. I can't count the times I've hit the end and have told him I'm done with my cheating wife. I have shared my deal killers and have only come back and changed my mind and professed my love for my wife. Only later to change my mind again and swear that I was divorcing the cheating slut I married.

My point is this... theoldlion is not wrong. But he's not totally right. He's correct in the fact that I do believe wwtl wife loves him. I believe she will spend the rest of her days hating herself for what she did. I agree that her holding back the info about the meeting was self preservation. It's shitty but I think she loves him. I also think he loves her and like me, is looking for a loophole in the "from birth" code of conduct that is old timers were taught. for a man of our generation, a cheating wife destroys a lifetime of status. It literally kills us. I know what he is dealing with. I also understand he loves her and is moving heaven and earth looking for a loophole in his code to give her a pass.

She screwed up.

However she didn't fuck another guy or refuck the same guy. She just didn't come clean with the whole story and years later it bit her in the ass at the wrong time.

Wwtl, I'm writing this for my own benefit as much as yours. I feel your pain and am living it. I'm looking for the loophole too and it's very unfair. But if we can do it we may be better people than we knew we could be.

Broken, I was so sad to read about your story. You have a lot on your plate to forgive. I hope your husband realizes what a mountain he has to climb, and is treating you accordingly.

ISuck, even though I know better I am going to take the bait. You are probably right that I should have done the poly a long time ago. You are also correct that for a long time I was looking for a reason to divorce her. I had fantasies of coming home and finding her with someone so I could kick the shit out of the guy and leave forever. Something that in my core I felt i should have done the first time.

Except this poly was different. We were doing really well and making progress become what we once had been. Two people that enjoyed each others company. If you have read any of my other posts you would have seen I was 100% sure that this was her only trip to the rodeo. I called it a one and done, manic episode, among other terms that were used to describe the one time nature. I have been bombarded here with posters telling me since the time I have been here that she has done this before, was still doing it, etc. I kind of shrugged those off. I was checked out so it really didn't matter. This time however I wasnt checked out so clearing the decks meant something. I was positive she hadn't done this before, but thoughts of the personal trainer, or my daughters coaches, or anyone else that fit the profile were still now popping into my head. The poly was to get rid of these once and for all and I could to commit myself knowing that it was just this one time. If someone did a poly on me they would have found that I was 100% certain that there was nothing more. I would have been wrong.

It wasn't a witch hunt, which by definition is creating destruction looking for something that doesn't exist, like a witch. I found something. She is not you and is desperately trying to save this marriage. I have given her plenty of opportunities to walk and she hasn't done it. You obviously would do something different.

Lion, I agree with you assessment, but right now it is not making me feel much better. I still have visions of coming home at night, having her kiss me, then pulling me around and with great excitement showing me all the work that had been done on the house that day. She was so happy. Yet a few hours before, she was grunting and groaning underneath this guy. We would then often have sex, sometime oral, that night. This lie is bringing all that back, not that those thoughts ever left, in full force.

Brent, I am going to do what I want now. I just don't want to make a decision right now in anger.

Thissux, pretty much nails it. My every instinct from day one was to walk. Who lets themselves get shit on like this and doesn't do anything about it. That was finally the reason for the separation. Call it payback or seeing what else is out there, whatever. At least i did something. I think she is remorseful, and again, maybe stupidly, I think if we do a polly it will show nothing else.

I am a planner by nature. The affair, my reaction, and this last episode were not in my plans. This creates a lot of internal conflict. I am calming down a little from a few days ago. I just need to figure out if this is a dealbraker or not. The offense of meeting was long ago, but the lies are fresh.

Having my daughter here has been great. We have talked about it a lot in a calm rational way. She actually has a lot more insight into my wifes thinking than I do as they talk almost every day either by phone or text. They have been frank with each other since this whole thing got exposed. It is an interesting take to hear her talk about my wifes remorse, and negative feelings about herself. It is also for me kind of new to have real adult conversations with her. I give my daughter a lot of credit. She isn't a little girl anymore, but rather a pretty smart young woman.

WWTL,

It is also for me kind of new to have real adult conversations with her. I give my daughter a lot of credit. She isn't a little girl anymore, but rather a pretty smart young woman.

It doesn't get any better than this does it? That she launched well and is competent. She must have a fair measure of emotional intelligence to navigate this thing.

I agree with the poly. It is a potential trust builder.

WWTL

Re assess where you are. I see your wife as a weak and somewhat stupid person in all of this. You need to polygraph her, then you can make a decision. Bounce this off your daughter. That first adult convo with your kid is a real eye opener. Amazing when you jump out of your kid's mouth.

Wwtl, we use to have an old adage in the army that kind of fits your life and how you see your wife.

"One ah shit wipes out a life time of attaboys."

When this happens you just have to start all over building more attaboys. I think your wife is trying. Betrayal is like a battle. You don't ever get over it, you just have to live through it. How you come out on the other side is what counts. I hope you come out with what you really want. You didn't say if the SOB who started this is still living the good life. I truly do wish you well.

What jumps out is that OM went to his WW to manipulate WWTL twice. First on a business venture then to protect himself.

WW has manipulated WWTL to not file. Now a CD is doing the same.

Mrs WWTL is doing this not to be evil, this is probably the relationship.

WWTL needs to deal head on and stop running. My guess is his WW is not a victim, but the driver in the a.

OM went to the meeting to save his job And marriage, his WW went for OM.

Time to just put it on the table and realize what you are dealing with

Rambler, the WW being the initiator was something that never crossed my mind in this case, but it certainly makes more sense with respect to the bizarre business deal and the follow up meeting (she wanted sex with him, he enjoyed the sex, but wanted something else out of it too).

I would definitely ask a question in the poly about who initiated the A. I suspect this would be something WWTL's WW would lie about or withhold out of self-preservation. I think resolving this issue would get to the root of whether or not R is possible. Was she the victim of a predator? This seems to be the prevailing narrative in this story, but I'm not convinced it is accurate no matter how much WWTL's WW would like it to be.

actually the key point is the manipulation. Om twice goes to WW to manipulate her Bs. There certanly is a view that Om has.

what is also apparent is the lack of repect Om has for his Ww. given she went to meet him i suspect she had far more feelings for him than she indicates.

Lion, your army adage is pretty spot on. I couldnt help thinking as the Penn State scandal was back in the news that my situation is close to the Paterno mess. He was one of the most successful coaches ever in terms of wins and graduation rates. But what is in the first paragraph of any article written about him, the whole Sandusky mess (which IMHO is deserved). Its is just such a huge stain on his career and will never go sway. Feels like my marriage.

I really don't need a poly to figure out who was the instigator in the affair. They were both complicit. He flirted, she responded. She dressed special for him, he asked to stay later to "talk" to her as she was so smart. She offered a glass of wine, he kissed her first. But what electrician kisses the client without getting really strong signals that he wouldnt get slapped.

I do think he was the one pushing the envelop on the sex acts, but who knows. I also understand that is not a very good question. The best are ones with clear answers. Did you screw him or anyone else after Day? Was there anyone else you had sexual contact with? really black and white questions and not too many.

She has a whole list of investigators who do this both here and at home and wants to go over them with me. I probably will do this today, unless I don't. That is kind of my mindset right now.

My daughter is gone but she was a very calming presence and I am glad I didn't leave.

I'm glad you had a chance to spend some quality time with your DD.

Yes, I think most polys are limited to 3-5 questions and that the more clear cut the Qs the more reliable the "read". If you haven't already done so, I think sitting down beforehand and going through the nitty gritty with a series of questions would perhaps be helpful, and then covering all those questions with a general question at the poly like, "Were all of your answers to the series of xx questions accurate and complete?", might work as an alternative.

Yes, I think I'd have to ask about additional EAs and PAs if I were in your shoes.

WWTL - I am so sorry.

The key to R for a BH is being able to see your W now, versus who she was when she cheated. Can you still see her for who she is now ? Or does she seem to be like she was back then ?

It causes you to question the work that she has done. Is she really being authentic if she still holds onto secrets ? Is the selfishness really gone if she is still trying to control the outcome 6 years later ? Let's be honest this is and was always about her. It had nothing to do with protecting you from anything. She was trying to save her own skin. Selfishness.

In the end it is the lies that hurt the most. The physical acts hurt and mind movies come, but you learn to live with that part.

My take is that her manipulations never really stopped they just became less overt in nature. I think you know that is not the best sign of progress/healing in her. She is going to be your biggest trigger again for awhile. Being near her just makes things worse.

I think you need some space to think without your W being in your face and trying to influence the outcome of your decision.

She did finally tell you and she probably carried this for those years and felt that burden. She more than likely held that back and in turn held back on R some. Her guilt and shame were her price for making that choice.

I'd be hard pressed to think there was no emotion involved. It is rare for a woman to engage in what she did without getting some kind of emotional pay off. That is the kind of stuff that still hurts many years later.

Take some time away from her. Talk you your IC about what bothers you right now about this latest revelation. Peel it back and remove any power it might have over you.

The fact that trust is back to nil ? The fear that there is more or that there will be more in 6 more years ? The fact that you still doubt her love and loyalty to you ?

Process this latest item. Let it sink in. Look at it in the context of the whole picture.

FWIW. You should not allow anyone to minimize this latest event. Or it's impact on you. I am sure it hurts and creates a lot of new questions you thought were answered. No one except you knows what you are going through.

Again so sorry. Be kind to yourself.

I know everyone pushes the poly just because the first thought is that they are still lying. But what you forget is the other reason to do the poly, if she is telling the truth and she passes it gives you a better sense of what you want to do going forward.

For a BS it MATTERS that a WS takes the poly willingly, then secondly that they pass it. That is what a BS wants to happen, but we fear the other.

Keep that in mind. What is the worse thing that will happen if she passes? And what is the worse thing that will happen if she does not? Face your fears within and do it for peace of mind if for nothing else.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know it's evolution. However I'd like to offer my advice. It won't be popular here, but hey what do I know except my life and marriage is bright now which is why I rarely login. There will ALWAYS be details that you don't know or trickle truth that you could find out. In my opinion you pick a time point for which to question. What I mean is that my husband continued to lie to me and deceive me for about 6 months. At six months post DDAY I fully believe that the information I received and details he told me were the truth and I believe that with 95% certainty. However did I or have I thought to ask him every question again to get the right and truthful answer? No probably not. In other words if I suddenly remember that I asked him if he saw her on xxx day and what he said to her shortly after DDAY and he lied about it prior to the six months, he may never have corrected that lie. Not for any other reason than we haven't discussed it again. So my line in the sand is January 3rd 2016. His words must always checkout after that point. And they have and he's consistent. So I stopped asking. I never ask details anymore. I sometimes ask how he felt then and how is it different now, but really nothing else? Why because I just don't care. What matters to me is that he 110% dedicated to me now. There is no doubt in my mind. He has no thoughts of her ever unless I bring her up - she is completely insignificant to him. Everything he does is for me and the kids now and that I know. There is a calmness to his entire demeanor now. He is eternally grateful to me and for me. And that is enough for me.

Is a passed poly going to be enough for you? Is knowing that she is 110% dedicated to you now enough? Can there be enough? I've supported you in your quest, but it is time to decide what is enough and get past this part of your marriage. You are wasting time that could be spent entirely more fulfillingly. People survive infidelity and have completely fulfilling lives. But you have to decide that you want to do that. It's not going to magically happen.

You have been fighting against your gut for six years now.

Assume you start a venture with a trustworthy friend as partner. Years later, you catch your partner red-handed embezzling company funds. The partner is super-remorseful, promises to pay back the money with interest, so on and so forth. But why on earth would you continue doing business with this person who has lost your trust? Because you tried interviewing others and nobody panned out? So what? Because the partner was loyal for X years apart from an inexplicable "manic" episode? Those are pretty sh*tty reasons to stay with someone who has demonstrated a lack of integrity. If your bar is high in the business world, it should be even higher in your personal life, not lower.

What redbaron said. Ppl get up decide what they need to recover. Wanting to know everything is one of those things. Higher expectations not lower.

I must admit I haven't read all of the posts but wanted to add my perspective.

You haven't been in R. You knew there was information she was lying about. She did have sex in your marital bed with contractor guy. Perhaps you knew deep down, believed, had unsettled guts that there was more.

I've read in other threads people getting on your back about giving up and questioning your behaviour. You knew you were still being lied to and that isn't R. Not even close.

Now you get another "forced" confession about another meet. It seems to me that this is a "soft" confession with the intent of derailing a polygraph. The "I know I did wrong but was so upset I wasn't thinking straight but I only met him because he was so afraid and I needed to tell him not to ever contact me again. See, I really had our best interests at heart even though it was wrong. A technicality, really".

If this derails the poly then more difficult questions won't have to be answered. I believe you should demand the poly for you. I don't care if it makes her uncomfortable. She has directly lied to you for years and still says she is all in and wants to R.

Demand the poly. Questions might include if she ever had sex with him after DDay (not just meeting him for coffee). Another question might be regarding if she had sex with anyone else since you married or became engaged. Carry through with the scheduled poly even if more "confessions" emerge. (IMO, it isn't a confession if it's forced - a confession is volunteered.)

Okay, I'm going to go back and read the rest of this thread.

My best wishes to you WWTL. I'm over 3 years past DDay 4 and R hasn't started for me. D is imminent.