SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH deleted all texts and emails between him and OW. I wish I had been consulted first - just one more tiem I was not part of the process. I see it as he is keeping "their" secrets. Again.

WH can tell me a million times what he remembers about them, but he has already shown he lies. Texts and emails would confirm his "story", or show he is lying.

Show your WH. If he wants to see them, he wants to see them.

You made the decision to cheat, he was not consulted. Let him make the decision on what he needs. Showing him in MC may be a good idea, WH and I are going thru his timeline (FINALLY - it's been over 4 years since I asked for one) that way. It's slow going, but I feel supported and heard.

I learned it's called pain-shopping. As a BW, I did that for a long time and sometimes (but far less often) have this slightly urgent need to know the most thorough details.

This isn't pain shopping this is discovery at this point. Since her WH didn't ask for a lot of details now he wants them, and he should be able to see anything he wants.

Pain-shopping is going back over discovery over and over,

Swinters, How you deal with this is going to be very important. There are programs that can be run on cell phones and cell phones backups that can retrieve texts. If he truly wants to read them then offer this.

BS here...

My WS deleted all emails after I had read them and then sent NC and deleted it before I had the opportunity to read it. It was ALL ABOUT HIM.

This...

I just feel like if he sees how into it I was too that he'll leave me.

I'm proud of you for getting to the truth. This is why you won't show him. It's not about him, it's about you.

Tell him, tell him, tell him about your fear and then do as he asks. He may not guarantee you that he won't leave, but if you don't tell him the truth - how you feel, your fear, and the texts, then you don't have hope of having an M that is solid.

Why did you keep the texts anyway?

I agree with ISurvived. This seems to be about you and wanting to control the process and outcome. You need to stop making decisions about what's best for him. That hasn't worked so well. I know you've said you would show him but it seems to me like you're dragging your heels and hoping to be convinced not to share.

I would also be quite upset about being asked to wait until it was a better time. Your DDay was only a month ago. As a BH I didn't know what the hell I wanted or needed after only one month from finding out. I did know that I needed to know everything. That there should not be a single minute detail that my WW and her AP knew that I didn't. No matter how shameful or painful. My WW was there, I wasn't. I will never know what she knew or knows. But I didn't want any resistance to telling me or showing me what she knew. And I didn't want to feel she knew something or had something and purposely didn't disclose it or I felt lied about it.

It appears some people need to know everything. Some need to know the "highlights" and a few don't want to know any details. There is no "right" position. Having a WS refuse or delay or try to convince otherwise about providing details is very detrimental to any hope of R.

A suggestion was made above about going to the Healing Library and reading Joseph's letter. I strongly recommend it. I also recommend "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. Short, easy to read and valuable information.

I tell it like it is so this may be hard to hear.

At just over six months out...Am I glad I saw the photos? Let's see... he had a beautiful, loving wife at home and he chose to go have sex with a married manly beast. On one hand at least I know that she is female, on the other hand I am going did he go blind. Even he has said to me that he had to overlook her face.

I see him differently now. I talked with the OW so I found out how selfish she was. She knew about me and was waiting for the day that I would find out. Pushing him to tell his children he was having an affair. She was proud of this. I see how broken he is. How he is searching for something to ease his pain. The man I knew would have looked at her and seen a broken down mess and felt sorry for her, not have sex with her.

Do I obsess over the photo? Not really. It saddens my heart. I am a beautiful woman in my own right so there is nothing for me to obsess about. It's a photo of a time of two people acting whorish. I don't want to see the man I love being a whore.

Here is the thing....I love my spouse with a grown adult love. Not a childish, selfish love. Not an affair type love. Even if he should not end up with me, I hope he would find a good, decent, God loving woman. Not someone who would lie, cheat or whore themselves.

Now if you think you are sick to your stomach, imagine your spouse times 100. Have you ever put the affair energy in your spouse? That it so very painful to us... that you would share yourself with someone so unworthy. Most of us would love to be loved in a passionate way.

There will be tremendous hurt to your spouse. You did this and he gets the pain. It will hurt like hell but if he wants to see it, then you need to show it to him. He has every right to know what he is dealing with and decide from there if the relationship is fixable. You decided to cheat now he gets to decide what is next.

I say all the time I am getting better each day. Most days the affair seems like a bad dream. Never in a million years did I think he was cheating. To fix things you must be vulnerable and share what the problems are. Your spouse can't fix you. You have to fix you and share with him each step of the way.

This is hard. I hope you tell him honestly what he needs to know. Only then will you have a real chance of forgiveness and moving forward.

I haven't been able to read anyone else's responses, but I think that you should show him if he wants. I would make him undergo a waiting period first, though, to make sure that he *wants* to see them.

I would also think about bartering a little bit in a good way. For example, you won't show him the texts unless he promises to see a therapist, psychiatrist, or undergo EMDR. Something like that.

Ugh - no Barcher. She can't dictate or negotiate his healing.

Swinters - Let go of the outcome. You're afraid. You're H is about to see the ugly of the affair - well, that which is available for viewing. It's very scary - but you can't control him. Reassure, soothe - accept his anger and grief. But let go of what may happen once he "sees" the affair.

[This message edited by sassylee at 7:34 PM, April 14th (Friday)]

I would also think about bartering a little bit in a good way. For example, you won't show him the texts unless he promises to see a therapist, psychiatrist, or undergo EMDR. Something like that.

Nope. He gets to heal on his terms. If I'd "bartered" with QS, he would have showed me to the door. WS don't get to call the shots just weeks out from Dday and broken NC.

Swinters, you are attempting to control the outcome. The longer you drag your feet on this, the worse it's going to be for you. Rip the bandaid off already and send them to your husband. Obviously you'll receive alot of anger. I hope he does get to a point where he directs that anger towards you and not your AP. It's better for your husband honestly. He will see you for what you really are. Only then can he really heal from it.

Some BS waste time and play mental games because they just can't see their previous WS for the monster they really are. Let him see you, warts and all. There's something incredibly vulnerable and oddly beautiful with someone seeing us at our absolute worst, and learning to heal from the wounds created. I'm on the flip side. I see it from a different perspective from where you are. But you can get there too. Be totally and completely honest. Don't hide. You can do this.

I have told him over and over that I was just as responsible as the OM was but I don't think he really has believed that deep down

This quote gave me the impression that you are still thinking in terms of you and OM having been a team. You tell your bh that you and OM were both equally responsible, equally pursuing, equally guilty. This must be salt on his wounds. The "team" should have been you and BH. I urge you to speak in terms of yourself only. Your BH doesn't want to hear how in sync you and OM were. OM doesn't matter. It was simply your behavior that caused this, because no matter what OM did or didn't do, you made the decision that pulverized your husband.

Your tag line states you are in recovery for drug addiction. Say the serenity prayer and feel it. I know it seems counterintuitive to add pain to your bh but, BUT, until he gets the whole picture he will be unable to honestly commit to recovery. To allow him to see the entire picture, if he chooses, is a gift you can give him now. To pretend you know best and deny him that info is like telling him to shut up and eat the shit sandwich in front of him. I doubt seriously that he will assault the OM. If he were going to do that it would have been likely while he was thinking theOM took advantage of you.

So, yes, I agree you are trying to protect yourself from the fallout and trying mightily to find evidence on these boards to support your hiding information. I see where that would be tempting but I also know from the bs side it just goes downhill from there. Hugs and best wishes.

He's a grown man and he's decided he needs to see them knowing full well they will break his heart. SHOW HIM. Or at least put them on a flash drive so he can see them when he decides he's ready.

I was a need-to-see EVERYTHING BS. I feel like the more I know the more I understand. I also felt like knowing as much as possible as soon as possible made me worry less about what else was out there so I can see the whole picture and begin healing sooner.

If my WH refused to show me the texts, I'd assume the absolute worst and fixate on them forever. I'd never believe that there were no ILYs. I probably woulnever believe him again, on anything.

You told your BH that you were just as responsible as the AP. I would suggest that what you said is wrong. You are 100% responsible. It was your 100% responsibility to not commit adultery. It doesn't matter how many men are coming on to you.

Sorry for this t/j because it isn't pertinent to your question.

Ugh - no Barcher. She can't dictate or negotiate his healing.

I officially retract my dumbass suggestion. This is correct.

(just in case: no, I am not offended in any way)

He's on his way to his house. I couldn't stop him.

Ugh, Swinters, this situation is so tough.

My BH waited outside OM's place with a baseball bat. By some miracle he didn't see him. That would not have ended well.

I have no advice. Just wanted to let you know that you and your BH are in my thoughts. I hope he comes home and takes time to process and grieve. Just be there for him, be humble and let him have his time, or whatever he needs.

Please keep us posted, swinters. Have you been able to get in touch with your BH via phone?

I read the texts. Not just the texts with women, but texts with his friends too. Years of text messages were on his phone, the only ones I didn't read out of consideration for "privacy" were between him and his close family members.

I felt like I was dying a million deaths while I was reading it all, but I don't regret it. I learned and understood things about him that I never would have understood had I not read the texts. It wasn't just what was said and done, it was that it helped me understand how he thinks and who he really was. It was not pretty.

If I hadn't read the texts myself, I would have never known or believed that none of it was really about emotional connections on his part, not even with the AP that he's known most of his life. I saw where he would appear hesitant to "hook up" with her because he thought she was going to start getting "weird" about it and try to make it more than what it was, just sex. I saw where he refused to let her come to his house when he lived by himself. That doesn't mean he never changed his mind, but I hope it's true that she was never in the bed where I lay my head. I saw "I love you's" from women, that he didn't respond to in kind. I saw angry and practically pleading texts because he wouldn't give them what they wanted, sex, time, attention, commitments, or often, even a response to their efforts to contact him.

So, while I read a LOT of sexting and saw pussy pics, I also got a lot of clarity on what was really going on and insight into his character. At least he was telling me the truth when he said none of it really meant anything to him, for whatever that's worth. An important part for me was seeing exactly when he was doing what, because I really wanted to know where was I and what was going on between us when he was doing what he was doing, how did all this other shit fit into what I thought our lives were at the time.

Oh boy! I didn't see the last few posts until after I'd posted. I hope your husband calms down before anything drastic happens. I'm sorry.

First, I hope he didn't do anything that's going to get himself in trouble.

Second, my question for you is: why did you screenshot and email yourself the texts before deleting them? My ex deleted all his texts and I never wanted to see them anyhow so I didn't care. HOWEVER, had I found out that before hiding them from me by deleting him, he'd taken screenshots and emailed those to himself, I think I'd NEED to seen them. I'd be wondering what they said that made you want to keep them...and why you kept them.

He went to his house and came back home. He sees this as him being weak. I see it as him being strong, for whatever my opinion is worth these days.

Tonight was awful. Just absolutely horrifying. We are both wiped out and going to bed. I will post more tomorrow. Thank you all for standing by us and helping. It means the world to me.

I'm happy he came back. I'm even happier that he didn't dig himself an even deeper hole.

Strength