SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for about 6 years, together 8, and she has 4 kids from a previous marriage I adore.

We have known each other since first grade, grew up together, our families were all very close...

We connected later in life again, fell in love, got married.

We have had our share of ups and downs, but there's never been a time I thought anything other than this is absolutely, positively the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is luminous, kind, generous and beautiful. I adore her.

My wife came to me a few weeks ago and told me she's pregnant. I've never had a child and I was ecstatic, but in the pit of my stomach I was afraid. I've wanted to have a baby, we both have, for about two years, but we have had fertility issues.

Then it happened... Slowly she started to confess. Over the course of two weeks she started to come clean.

Day by day a new revelation... She had slept with someone else a couple times, but it wasn't at the time she got pregnant. The ultrasound I was excited didn't line up with the timing she had said.

Then she said it was at the same time, that she had gotten the time wrong, but they used protection, so it probably is mine.

Then she told me she that on one of the times she slept with him, the second time they had sex he didn't use a condom, but he pulled out.

Then she told me she's not sure he pulled out.

Then she told me she's almost certain it's not mine - that she's not sure he pulled out.

We did a test pre-natal test and it's not my child.

I am spinning. The pain of the affair feels tiny compared to the pain of a child conceived by another man. And the pain of the affair is crushing.

How do I even face this? We can't even hide that the child isn't mine and I can't stop imagining the humiliation to come. We are both white, but the other man is black. Everyone will know my wife had an affair. Everyone that doesn't know will assume we adopted.

I'm broken.

I feel emasculated, humiliated...

I know someone this happened to. As a condition for staying married, the husband required the wife to give the baby up for adoption, and she did so.

I can feel your pain in your post. It is visceral. (((Hugs)))

Well it was exceptionally cruel to get your hopes up to only crush them with her trickle truth.

Do you want to raise this baby? What's the plan so far in regards to her AP? Will he find out? Have visitation rights? What has your wife done (besides deceive you about this child's conception) to earn R?

Your situation is heart wrenching. You're not alone though - we have members (2 that I recall in the past few years) who've been in your shoes - even the race issue. Hopefully someone can recall their usernames and share links to their stories...

Keep reading and posting - wishing you peace and clarity as you process this betrayal...

[This message edited by sassylee at 12:51 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

Welcome to SI. The club no one wants to join.

Do some reading in the Healing Library in the top left. There is a wealth of information. Pay close attention to the 180 and implement. It is not to punish her, but to give you some mental space to decide how you want to proceed.

Since you know the child is not yours, you are at least one step ahead at this point. Unfortunately, her waffling with changing stories is not unusual. Right now, based on what you wrote, she is not remorseful and only came clean because of the pregnancy. That doesn't bode well for R (reconciliation) at this point. Much more work on her part is required, if you choose to give her the gift of R and raise the child as your own.

You need to talk to an attorney to learn your legal rights. In most states a child of the marriage is presumed to be yours, but since you have proof it is not you will probably not be on the hook for child support if you choose to go that route. But you need to check with an attorney as every state is different.

Weekends are often slow around here, but others will be chiming in with a lot of advice. Just remember, when reading the advice, take what you want and leave the rest.

I am sorry your WW (wayward wife) put you in such an awful position, but we understand and are here for you. Keep posting!

*sending hugs your way*

I'm sorry that you're here, but I honestly think you should divorce her and find a woman that doesn't have ton of baggage (unfaithful & multiple children). don't let the fact that you've known her for years and adore her children be the reason why you choose to stay with her, especially when the previous reasons didn't stop her from cheating and lying to you. I ALWAYS encourage childless people to cut the cord and move on from a cheating partner because they can make a clean break and not have to worry about trying to co-parent with a person that crushed their soul. Good luck.

I genuinely appreciate everyone's kind words.

To answer some questions:

She confessed everything about two weeks ago, just before we got the test results. She's been very forthcoming on answering all of my questions about what happened, why she was afraid to say, etc, and I believe she has genuine remorse, but I do think the pregnancy was a huge part of this wake up call.

My wife hasn't had contact with the other man for the past month+, has not seen him for 3 months, but he does know about the pregnancy (telling him she was pregnant is the only contact in the last two months) - he doesn't know it's his.

She's asked for counseling, which we have started.

First, try to close off the emotional part of your brain and open up the logical part. Logically you have these points to consider.

(1) You are in a relationship where there are 4 children and one on the way....NONE of which are yours.

(2)You have only been married 6 years and she already cheated on you and traded you in for someone else.

(3)She is a consummate and practiced liar. You can't believe anything she says.

(4)She has no respect for you, herself, or your marriage.

(5)When everything goes bad you are the fall back plan.

(6)There are women in this country that would gladly take her place and not do this to you. Go find one of them.

(7)You do not have to feel humiliated or emasculated. You can leave the situation that makes you feel this way. Just pack and leave.

(8)You have no way of knowing if this has been her only affair. It's just the one she admitted to. I would be willing to wager that if her OP wasn't black she would not have admitted to this one. She said she had sex with him a couple of times. You can probably add a dozen to that couple as in "couple dozen times".

(9)You ask how are you going to face this. You don't have to...Leave. In fact, why are you still there? You think you love her but I am pretty sure she doesn't love you the same way. This is a woman that has done what no spouse should ever do to their partner.

I have said this before. Your life is dictated by the choices you make. Good choices, good life. Bad choices, misery. Choose wisely "grasshopper".

I wish you well.

My man

Why o why would you stay with a WW who is pregnant with the OM child. Seriously your WW had unprotected sex with this POS more times than she's letting on much like her TT has evolved from D day. Emasculated only if you stay with the cheat and accept the baby and carry on with the WW until she lets another man plant another seed in her.

Everybody knows people without integrity, morals, honesty & commitment. Unfortunately for you, you married one of these people. Although you love her, she has shown by her actions just how much she loves you.

She is showing signs of fear of what could happen if and when you should kick her to the curb and MR fuck buddy has to worry about his child he's having with your W.

I don't know whether there is something in the drinking water or its the beta in men that is evolving but I am seeing more & more men seemingly ok that their W is knocked up while having an affair and they are still contemplating R.

You need to lawyer up and find out your rights. If for whatever reason you decide to stay with your disgusting partner, and she had the kid.

If your WW has the kid then the OM will have visitation rights, won't matter what you think & your WW & the OM will be in contact for the next 18 years while the child grows up, so you will have to stomach that.

Also get STD tested like now. You have no kids with this woman. Been married a short time, your WW has sex with another man. Sounds like she M you for security cause she knew you and you were stable. The intimacy, the sex she wanted from other men.

Good luck

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:08 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

Let me make this simple. There are 2 types of men on here.

Type 1: They have high self-esteem, confident, have strong core values and view themselves as successful in life....NOTE: successful does not necessarily mean rich, though men in this category earn at least as much as their wives, or more. For these men, infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. They NEVER get over their wife's affair and most of them dump their cheating wives. They do forgive their wives, but do not compromise on their core values by staying married with a cheater.

Type 2: They are the "nice guys" (meet all of Dr. Glover's criteria). They put their wives on a pedestal, and are quite sure they will never meet someone as smart/beautiful/bold/outgoing as them, that the only choice is between staying with their cheating wife, or spending the rest of their life alone. They are either stay-at-home husbands, make as much, or less money than their wives, and generally view themselves as "lucky" to have such a fantastic wife. After D-Day, these men do things like the "180", a high-school girl's technique of pouting, posturing and pretending to be "strong", a pathetic display of manhood in reality. Some also insist on checking their wife's phones, social media accounts, as if mate-policing will make them more attractive to their wives. These men jump straight into "reconciliation", a few even asserting they are thankful for their wives for having an affair since it improved their marriage. They like to pontificate endlessly about FOO issues, bad boundaries, coping strategies, affair fogs and other esoteric topics that caused their wives to cheat.

You'll get a lot of advice here but ultimately you will fall into one of the above two categories. If you think you fall in Type 1, you'll save a lot of time and heartache by immediately leaving and not looking back. You will NEVER regret it.

Brokenchem, here's some questions for you, she has 4 kids from a previous marriage, why did this marriage end did she cheat it that one too, are the children from that marriage all from the same man her then husband, you need to find all this out, I have my own suspicions and if I’m correct, then it seems like you have a serial cheater on your hands, and she has probably already cheated more than once before in your marriage and she will do it again as serial cheaters do.

As none of the children are yours even though you care for them very much, if she is this kind of woman then you have to face the facts, lawyer up and D, you will have to let the children go too I’m afraid, as keeping in contact with them will only end in more hurt for you.

Regards BJE49

Redbaron, you are my hero. Hope your words will be heard.

Brother, it's time to cut bait and run. Bc if that baby is born while you're still together and you decide to leave later, and I know that this will sound crazy, YOU will be stuck paying child support,not the biological father. I've seen it happen twice, and we've all read about it here so many times.

And why exactly would you want to stay with a woman that got pregnant from someone else? Why would you want to stay with her and constantly have another man hanging around for the next 18 years? Another man that your wife very obviously chose over you, AND SHE WILL AGAIN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY bc she will only learn that she can and you won't do anything about it,

You deserved better. She doesn't deserve you. Tell her she can have her OM and get the F outta there!!!

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:08 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

redbaron007 -

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Hi, you've gotten some excellent advice, I raise my had with the others...you need to contact an attorney asap bc you might be stuck paying for child support for this baby. Additionally, OM may step back into your life, then what?

I'm so sorry, not only has she cheated, but you are in a tricky situation legally. Personally, I'd truly give a great deal of thought about staying in this marriage. This will be your life for years, friend, not just weeks or months. It takes years to move through the trauma of infidelity, and having to deal with someone else's child is IMO too much for one person to bear.

Are you in INDIVIDUAL counseling, not marriage counseling.

Had my WH gotten OW pregnant, I would have packed his sh*t, and filed for D immediately.

She is luminous, kind, generous and beautiful.

How "kind" was it that she lied to you and let you be so excited that finally she conceived with you after two years of fertility issues? Letting you go to the ultrasound?

Please remove your rose-colored glasses. This is not the actions of a "kind" person. I guess she must talk a good game.

Have you contacted an attorney about the implications of the other man? Is he married? Are you planning to keep it secret from him (don't you think word will get to him after the baby is born)?

My suggestion would be to talk with your parents and her parents and get it out in open now. Don't wait until the week before the birth.

If your wife lied so much to you before, why do you believe her now, about no contact with the other man, or really any details about the affair?

How do I even face this? I feel emasculated, humiliated...

You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be humiliated or emasculated about.

One problem I see, which would kill me, is if the rest of my life I had to lie that we adopted. That she cheated, and I had to cover up for her for the rest of my life. I'd be fine with telling people "none of your business," but for family and close friends, they'd get the full truth.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:19 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

Ugh Redbaron - that was just gross.

Oh Broken Charm..this is the tough situation from which I could likely never recover.

My WW was stupid enough to believe her OM would pull, out..she is devout Catholic..but we used birth control...how stupid to not protect herself. I read that there is 20% possibility of conception with this method...there are millions of residual sperm in the penial canal that live for days after the last ejaculation. The sperm are nouished by reproductive fluid produced in male organs. The sperm can be delivered along with pre-cum lubricant...so sperm can be deposited in the birth canal. There is a higher than normal rate of DownsSyndrome children in the Catholic religon resulting from the withdrawl method.

I have pondered this as a possible outcome in my own situation...I know I would have insisted on divorce..no way could I continue in that situation...always and forever a symbol of her utter disrespect, stupidity....so if he did or did not withdraw..there was a 20% possibility she could have conceived with her OM..

[This message edited by nlwsrw at 9:33 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I'm sorry you are here. I was in that situation where I wasn't sure if my pregnant wife baby was mine or not. Only I found out mine was. I can't answer for what you should do but I know if the baby wasn't mine I would have walked. I also have been looking in the I can relate forums on this site. There is one for other children. The insight as been good. I wish you well.

I'm so sorry. We hear so many heartbreaking stories here, but wow... to get you all wound up, excited at impending fatherhood and then yank the rug out. That's rough.

I gotta tell you, I think I would factor in her security interests in keeping you around and I'd be taking her words with a great big grain of salt. She's going to have 5 kids to care for. She's going to want help doing that. So, determining her real motivation with so much on the line will be a difficult call. Is she staying for the love or because she needs the help?

I do think that seeing an attorney would be your first order of business. These guys are right. In most states, you'll be the father of record if you're married and on the hook for child support if you fall out down the road. It's possible that if she's truly remorseful, you could divorce and then remarry later on down the pike if she can prove to you that it's YOU she wants and not the lifestyle.

I'm so sorry, man. You've got a really tough situation here.

Broken,

and I believe she has genuine remorse

Really? Ask yourself this: Do you believe she would have confessed to anything had she not gotten pregnant with another man's child?

Of course the answer is no, because she cheated a number of times beforehand and didn't say anything to you. She had an "Oh crap"" moment when she found out she was pregnant and had no choice but to tell you. Now, when she needs to face the consequences of her actions and recognizes that she might lose you, she is showing "remorse."

Nope. Sorry. She might come to be remorseful, but she is not even close to there yet.

Redbaron