SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Especially when it comes to men that refuse to play the role of the pussyfied doormat of women in general and specifically their wives. Even more so if your wife has chaeted. I have really enough and am sick of those double standards.

(Full discloure: I'm a woman.) I think society and this board heavily encourages reconciliation and discourages leaving. Too much so. I personally hate the recommendation to wait six months to make a decision. I think that was terrible advise in my case. (I think kicking him out immediately would have woken my WH up and prevented a year of false R.)

I see a double standard: that women receive MUCH more pressure than men to eat the shit sandwich - often for the sake of the children. And men who react strongly and decisively are often lauded as heroic. Often posters are responding to the fact that many betrayed women (especially SAHM) are more likely than men to face terrible financial difficulties as single parents. But generally, I think there is strong societal pressure for women to sacrifice themselves for their children.

To those of you who had relatively few financial or child related barriers to leaving, I would say count yourself lucky and ignore the folks who judge your decision.

MrSpock, respectfully, since you have joined SI you have been ranting and ranting about this exact situation. You have some true believers, but I feel they are in the minority, at least here at SI.

I feel you have an especially fragile "male" ego. You seem offended by any BH that you feel isn't feeling emasculated enough because of their WW's infidelity. I feel you feel emasculated and you feel every man should feel that way also. Men may feel emasculated but women feel the same equivalence. The male ego is not assailed more than a female ego because of infidelity. The male ego is no more fragile than a female's. Infidelity isn't especially more heinous when it happens to a BH. I feel you, sir, are the one with a bias. I feel you are the one with double standards. I feel you do quite a bit of projecting your feelings onto every situation.

I honestly feel you have very little respect for women, even though you claim otherwise. You seem to have very little respect for anyone who chooses reconciliation. You have an issue with YOU because you choose to reconcile. Somehow, even under the circumstances of your wife's betrayal, you are having a very hard time accepting that you choose reconciliation.

We are not all alike. Doesn't matter whether we are male or female. We are different in how we feel, process, accept, don't accept, being traumatized. Yes, there are certainly many more than two types of men, or women, for that matter.

Lighten up, Francis. Don't take everything so personal, if it doesn't apply to you, leave it.

t/j @ CincyKid...ohhhh, fuuuudge!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:22 PM, April 17th (Monday)]

I don't think "all" double standards are wrong.

Maybe I'm just old(ish) school (I'm 47).

I think any violence towards your partner is bad. I do think it's worse if a man hits a woman versus the other way around. I outweigh my WW by at least 80lbs. I can lift her over my head. I can toss her over my shoulder and run. I could literally rip her to shreds or easily pummel her to death. Most men have been in physical fights or some sort of combative sport. I would not go out of my way to antagonize the dude that plays the mountain on game of thrones. The guy would annihilate me. My best hope would be to outrun him. Most (I did not say all) women lack this perspective or they want to invoke the pussy pass when it comes to physical fights. The thought that they are starting a physical fight with someone that could literally rip their arms off doesn't occur to most women when they start swinging.

To go a bit further, I think it's different when a female teacher bangs or blows a teenage boy versus the other way around. Hell, no semi decent looking woman could have "raped" me when I was 16yo. I damn sure wouldn't have been traumatized by it. Quite the opposite actually. YMMV. I do think a mid twenties or older guy engaging in relations with a 16yo girl is different.

Cheating is the same way. I do think there's an extra layer of shit for betrayed men - paternity. Women cannot relate to this. That particular "worry" is not even on their radar. Also, and STD's aside - once I wash my junk, the obvious traces of any other woman are gone. Sperm can stay viable in a woman's body for 5 days. That still disgusts me years later. From my own experiences in MC, women cheat because of unmet needs or some similar bullshit. I've been told this line firsthand. Men cheat because they're philandering pieces of shit. I had some betrayed woman post in a recent thread that she felt sorry for my cheating wife. I haven't witnessed a man post something like that to a woman. Men are typically divorced raped, not women.

I won't even get started on the gender wage gap bullshit. Equal rights does not mean the same IMO.

I think rebaron was an asset here. I hope he didn't get banned. I do think SI can be a bit cheater friendly and very pro R. You need both ends of the spectrum for the place to be most effective. The BS then needs to decide what fits their situation. I will say, I have a remorseful WW, she's done work, she is in many ways a new person, years of actions, blah, blah, blah. But, if I had it to do over again, I would have immediately divorced and found a way to get primary custody. R is fucking gut wrenching hard work and the payoff is suspect in my opinion. I wish I would have started fresh with someone new. I suppose I see that pathway more clearly now after staying in this marriage.

dou·ble stand·ard

ˈdəbəl ˈstandərd/

noun

a rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups.

What RedBaron said is a double standard because he is applying his rhetoric only to men. Going over his recent posts I see no such one-dimensional pronouncements of women, though I could have missed one. If you can point me to that, I'd be happy to renounce my point that it, in fact, is a double standard.

Stayedforthekids - it sounds like you have a shitty MC. Fire that person immediately if you haven't already.

From my own experiences in MC, women cheat because of unmet needs or some similar bullshit. I've been told this line firsthand. Men cheat because they're philandering pieces of shit

Stayedforthekids - it sounds like you have a shitty MC. Fire that person immediately if you haven't already.

"From my own experiences in MC, women cheat because of unmet needs or some similar bullshit. I've been told this line firsthand. Men cheat because they're philandering pieces of shit"

My XW told me first hand, that is why she cheated. She needed a couple things to jump in bed with an AP, constant praise and affirmation along with a good fucking. Apparently, I wasn't offering either.

Randy - there's no end to the bullshit reasons waywards, of both genders, give to justify their affair. Doesn't make them true or valid.

[This message edited by sassylee at 3:24 PM, April 17th (Monday)]

I will answer here both of the last responses

So, here are some more double standards:

when a man is betrayed it is the male ego; when a woman is hurt than it's not her ego - it is her dignity, her feeling her integrity, whatever.

A man who refuses to reconlie is weak; a woman who refuses to reconcile is strong

A man who stands his grouns is a women hater; a woman that does so is empowered.

And some more:

A man in divorce is losing everything including his children, has now to live with his parents and pay for his wive's extra marital children and her lovers; the same wife gets state support, the money from the betrayd ex and lives at the expences of some other men. For some it has become a kind of a job.

And some more facts

Male suicide is rampant. It is almost four times higher than women. Among them divorced dads have the highest rates. I really wonder why? Probably karma because they are all women hater.

Some 80% of men are homeless. Guess how many men have to live in powerty when they divorce. Again this group has the highest rate. Why? The same as above.

But me pointing out facts is male ego, me pointing out statistics is having no respect for women

SM

I think it is you that has no respect for male suffering. I'm speaking with facts, not from my ego but my brain but it is your ego that's speaking while dismissing every fact that is brought. And not the first time.

It is you that instead of addressing it is using those shaming tactics that I mentioned with the aim at silencing everyone that disagrees with you. As always it is done with the ultimate women hating mantra because this is one of the worst things you can same to a man. Only that I'm not afraid of it and won't be silenced.

This behaviour of yours is only showing what a low respect you have of men, not me of women. A disrespect that borders on misandry. And only when the man agrees and is approved by you than his opinion counts and he is a decent man. Before doing this to others check yourself as most of it is only a projection.

Edited to add

Most of women are not told to stay eith their husbands. It is obvious both from the threads on SI as well as any other external platform. Yet, even herevon SI and everywhere outside. It is enough to tead the threads here.

What does anything on that list have to do with RedBaron's commentary?

You keep using the word "facts" with opinions.

"when a man is betrayed it is the male ego; when a woman is hurt than it's not her ego - it is her dignity, her feeling her integrity, whatever.

A man who stands his grouns is a women hater; a woman that does so is empowered."

Those are all opinions. And those opinions are according to whom? I've never seen anything that gendered on this site and I've been around reading regularly for 7 months.

"I think it is you that has no respect for male suffering. I'm speaking with facts, not from my ego but my brain but it is your ego that's speaking while dismissing every fact that is brought. And not the first time."

Who is the "you" you are referring to here?

No one is trying to silence you, this is a debate, a discussion between people. Disagreeing with someone is not the same as silencing them.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 3:35 PM, April 17th (Monday)]

What Redbaron said is not a double standard as no one asked what he thinks about women. He was posting and responding to a man. And in fact those principle CAN be applied to women as well. This is how I see it whether I agree with them or not. And again why not clinging to some 10 percent of the post; it is easier thab to adress everything else.

Sassy, unfortunately, I think she was telling the truth on both those points. For her atleast. I've heard different recently from another, but it will probably take a while before I get my confidence back in that area. I even experienced ED for the first time in life, I don't know if its the new anti-depressants I was put on (I asked to be changed back today) or wearing condoms or what, but I'm not sure what to think. I only have one other time since XW and me split to compare to and then it worked fine with a condom. Then bam, this shit happens. Its become a new phobia of mine. Sorry for the TMI.

No one asked him what he thinks about men either. He routinely speaks disparagingly about men specifically.

Those are opinions that you cherry picked of course not adressing the facts that I brought below and in many other responses on this thread. It is yet another typical tactic, bias and double standard

If no asks him than one asks other as well. When someone comes and posts he's asking. Another double standard.

Randy - her reasons (if true) are valid reasons to leave the marriage, or request counselling. But to cheat? No. She had options to find a moral remedy. Instead, she cheated? Why did she cheat? She was selfish - like all cheaters.

Gosh.

Is it me?

Or is this a bit of a meanie thread?

This brilliant, long-time, well supported site is to help lost souls SURVIVE InfIdelity.

Mr Spock - you received huge amounts of advice, support, understanding, conversation and personal, one-on-one sympathy, empathy and friendship.

Maybe it's time to pay this forward?

Oft times here, it's pointed out that the posts that rankle the most are the ones that perhaps require deeper and more introspective consideration.

Most of us here try to be supportive and helpful to those who have had their lives torn apart by infidelity.

To assist fellow sufferers in trying to put their life and heart back together.

Is that your motivation here Mr Spock?

Actually I've been to several IC's that have said that men are biologically predispositioned to be able to talk the pants off of women. Women are biologically predispositioned to fall for a man's line of bullsh*t and get their pants talked off them. These traits were encoded in the human species by nature for the purpose of perpetuating the species. The female of any species of mammal will ditch her mate if she perceives a stronger potential mate has surfaced. I've discussed this at length with male and female relationship counselors. It is what it is. Men lie to get laid, women fall for those lies. I hope WS's don't read these same studies. They'll use it as one of their many excuses for cheating. Actually, many of them already do.

Mr.Spock - you called ALL of the things in your post "facts". I didn't think I needed to quote your entire post to point out that you listed things that are the opposite of facts along with a few unsubstantiated statistics.

I see that you never answered who the "you" you are referring to in that post. Is that you cherry picking?

A "typical tactic" of what? Conversation? Discussion?

If no asks him than one asks other as well. When someone comes and posts he's asking. Another double standard.

Those sentences make literally no sense. What double standard?

Actually I've been to several IC's that have said that men are biologically predispositioned to be able to talk the pants off of women. Women are biologically predispositioned to fall for a man's line of bullsh*t and get their pants talked off them. These traits were encoded in the human species by nature for the purpose of perpetuating the species. The female of any species of mammal will ditch her mate if she perceives a stronger potential mate has surfaced. I've discussed this at length with male and female relationship counselors. It is what it is. Men lie to get laid, women fall for those lies. I hope WS's don't read these same studies. They'll use it as one of their many excuses for cheating. Actually, many of them already do.

Once again, I am reminded of how very fortunate I am with my counselors. Woof. What a load of garbage.

Double post

[This message edited by sassylee at 3:56 PM, April 17th (Monday)]