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My wife confessed a couple weeks ago that she got drunk and things got out of hand with her friend one night while I was away on business.

I didn't think this was on the same level as many bad stories I have read here, until I realized that this person had infiltrated our lives over the last 3 years and that my wife was actually having an emotional affair. We would have fights about the texting and it would taper way off. I was being nice as I felt bad for the guy going through a divorce and did not insist that she cut him off. After all they were just friends!! I feel like a fool now.

When she told me I could not understand how she let another man enter her. I still don't. I had been a flirtatious guy who would get some gratification if a women would respond, but there was a very conservative line I would never cross. Why, because I love her, I don't want any other woman, and I could never hurt her like that.

So she allows this weasel to stay over the house (he is getting a divorce and needed a friend). They are drinking and things start getting physical, then she realizes as he is ______ her and is horrified. Keep in mind my wife is a Catholic, innocent fool.

I wasn't happy to say the least, but then I asked who took your pants off? She never answered so it is obvious she did.

She ended the friendship, deleted all texts, emails, contact info, and told me what happened.

We have since thrown away everything he ever gave us, the mattress they f'd on, and anything else that had any connection to him or that night.

I feel like a fool being so upset over this barely, very quick, one-night stand, but I am. I feel betrayed.

I told her I wouldn't care who else stuck their d in her as it no longer special. What we had was so good and loving it breaks my heart that she would allow this to happen.

Am I over-reacting?

I feel the same rage, depression, fog, mood swings as others expressed here.

How do I go on from here? We have 3 small kids and they are everything to us.

She went to counseling last night and I will be going very soon to help me deal with these feelings.

Any and all input appreciated.

First of all make sure you are eating right, and getting plenty of fluids. You are going through a major trauma. Read through the healing library at the upper left. Right now you need to still be investigating as it is very doubtful that you have gotten the complete story yet.

I didn't think this was on the same level as many bad stories I have read here, until I realized that this person had infiltrated our lives over the last 3 years and that my wife was actually having an emotional affair.

3 years is a long time under very close quarters to be just an emotional affair. Chances are there is much more to the story. If you have been reading here you will see this.

the story about stopping a few minutes into sex is most likely a lie. from the sites collective memory its often told and rarely the truth.

for a 3 yr affair its also hard to believe they only had sex one time. usually opportunity dictates how often they have sex and they had opportunity.

first d-days, even ones confessed, rarely are comolete and accurate. minimizing is normal.

shes not a naive girl. she kept up a duplicitous second life, complete with a boyfriend, secret from you for 3 yrs by lying, minimizing, and playing you. thats an emmy winning performance that ran for 3 yrs!

its a good sign she went nc with om. thats reassuring.

has she offered her "why"? its never introspective for a ws yet, but it often reveals quite a bit about them.

Did you read the texts/emails before they were Thrown Away? If not you'll want to retrieve them to understand the extent of what was going on.

Sorry this happened to you and good luck getting through this betrayal (however you choose to do so).

My first suggestion is that you remove your WW from the pedestal you've placed her on. She has proven to you she does not deserve it.

She has also proven that she is not the person you thought she was with her actions. For example, she did not get drunk, mistakenly remove her clothing, and accidentally fall on your friend's dick (I.e., she's not so innocent).

She banged him, period. Maybe it was a test drive to see if he was a suitable replacement for you. If it was good, she probably enjoyed it and you never would have known unto she ran off with him. If it was bad she probably thought, "What have I done? Why have I risked my M for that?" So you may be facing the latter scenario, not that it makes it any easier for you.

I'll give her some credit for telling you, but maybe she figured he might say something to you so that you'd leave her and he could have her. She knew she didn't want him after the incident and it was better to get out front with her version. Again, not that that makes it any better for you.

I also agree with the other poster, there is probably more PA (short of PIV) to this EA/PA.

Good luck choking down this shit sandwich you've been served by your WW.

I feel for you. Betrayal is betrayal and you are so not overreacting. There is a line. Once I was "taken" no guy ever got to first base because I protected my marriage. Shame my husband doesn't but that's another story.

I hope your WW realised that she has thrown gold away for dross. I wish you well in your recovery, but be vigilant.

Strength to you.

You know, I read your story and it isn't right.

Her story, to me, fails on many levels. She's carrying on en EA with this man. You brought it to her attention and it stopped (supposedly- but I'm willing to accept it did). At THAT time, she set margins and boundaries. No "good Catholic woman" would cross those lines again unless she either knew she was and wanted to or the lines were never really drawn in the first place.

Then, after these lines were placed she has him over and drinks with him? Sorry, my friend, but no one is that innocent and stupid. There is some lies and rug sweeping going on here.

I usually don't like to say this, but you need to get used to the probable idea that she wanted this to happen and both of them were aiming for it. I mean, she did nothing to stop this in any way. She wasn't duped, or innocent or naïve. Maybe it wasn't specifically "planned", but it seemed to be a forgone conclusion they both knew was going to happen.

I am suggesting you stop viewing this thru rose-colored glasses and get better and more truthful answers. If not, things can never be fixed. And that will surely lead to a more disastrous end of your marriage.

Now, another thought....

Due to the kids at home, my usual advice of a 90-day separation for the both of you to get your heads right seems a poor idea. The next best thing is to separate within your house. She has her bed and you have yours. You need time to really step back, clear your head, getter better and more honest answers and determine what is best for you and the kids. And it may be it's without your wife- or maybe with. Take this slow and deliberate. I sense your rushing and rug sweeping in the chaos and confusion.

I wish you well.

BP

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:40 AM, May 4th (Thursday)]

Your WW is drinking in front of children?

We have 3 small kids and they are everything to us.

Where were the kids when all of this took place? You don't say but I assume your WW is a SAHM? You don't tell their ages but it is safe to assume they know more about what was going on than some would give credit to. You don't want to bring young children into this... but if they are school age they are old enough to talk to them in a general setting to make sure they are ok with things without giving any of the affair details of course.

You don't know the half of it.

Tell her you need to see her phone in order to retrieve her texts. I guarantee that you will get initial panic, a little more TT (trickle truth) and she'll say that the texts will hurt you/damage any chance for reconciliation.

If you get that, and I think you will get that, you have your answer.

You have to understand, there are about ten thousand bad decisions that she made to get here, each one making the next one easier. A man spending the night alone with your wife? They went to the bedroom? She took her pants off?

You are not overreacting. Let's get you through the confusion/fog stage and to some anger so you can act.

I will look into retrieving those texts, thanks.

Yes, I am looking at this through rose colored glasses because I love her and it is damn hard to accept/believe that this turned physical years ago.

BTW, this was no friend of mine. He was part of a couple that were neighbors with kids and they were mostly her friends.

He just clung onto what he saw as what he wanted and his wife wasn't.

We will have a couple glasses of wine with dinner on weekends so kids don't have a big negative reaction to this.

Man over my house, drinking, with kids in house. No way, not OK.

As others, most nights I wake up crying like a baby.

Thanks to all for your responses, I will get to the truth before doing anything drastic.

FYI- We are having sex multiple times per day desperately trying to hold onto something that we are both afraid of losing or afraid we already lost.

I am still hoping this can be saved.

The constant sex thing is called HB. Your marriage can be saved, but your WW is going to have to do a lot of work to see why she did this and how to prevent this from happening again.

With 3 kids I can understand how you would want to R, but you have to treat cheating like a surgeon treats cancer. First he has to see how deep the cancer goes then he can make a decision on whether its treatable or not. Sometimes you don't like what the surgeon tells you.

The thing is your setting yourself up for another D day if you believe everything your WW tells you. That is the first repercussion of cheating. Everything she tells you now has to be taken with a grain of salt.

You need to recover the texts. Period.

Don't tell her you're going to do it else the phone will magically break or fall into a toilet.

As others have said, her story has a few problems.

Try not to beat yourself up too bad, you will continue to see signs, obvious signs, that should have caught but chose out of trust and blindness to ignore. You are not the first husband to feel completely stupid and blindsided by this. I assure you, you are in good company.

red flag:

she got drunk and things got out of hand with her friend one night while I was away on business.

does she regularly entertain this man while you are out of town?

red flag:

We would have fights about the texting and it would taper way off.

This was not an accident, it was an ongoing issue between the two of you, yet she put herself in this position, despite your previous objections.

red flag:

So she allows this weasel to stay over the house

Was this decided before or after they had been drinking? Before or after sex?

Has he ever spent the night before, with or without you there?

red flag:

They are drinking and things start getting physical, then she realizes as he is ______ her and is horrified.

Please...... this reminds me of my WW statement that it "just happened", after she followed him to his apartment. Really?

red flag:

She ended the friendship, deleted all texts, emails, contact info,

Is this the excuse for getting rid of evidence?

Did she wipe the server too? ( Sorry, no politics)

As others have said, take care of yourself and I hope you can work through this with her, but there is more that she is not telling you.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:47 AM, May 4th (Thursday)]

Gator, I'm so sorry. This sounds long a LTA. It's normal to want to believe she just made a mistake, she was drunk, it was an accident, it was a one night stand. But 3 years? Even if that was the only time they had sex (which I don't believe), there was an affair going on long before that night.

Please keep reading SI. You might also read about the 180. Take care of yourself!

FYI- We are having sex multiple times per day

It is called Hysterical Bonding and it is 100% normal. It might be the only way you will be able to connect with her on a emotional level for awhile.

I really, really hope I am wrong, but I agree with the others that a 3 year emotional affair with no crossed boundaries is highly suspect. I'd bet all the money I have there are more details. The first instinct a cheater has is to justify or gloss over certain hurtful details. It is so common is it text book.

It might sound drastic, but most new BS usually demand a timeline, recover all the msgs (Doctor phone is a good one) and a polygraph test.

She was in a place where this boundary was crossed. It is possible there were other guys in her past ?

Also your trust in her is probably next to nothing (as it should be). She needs to provide you 100% transparency with devices, whereabouts, etc. Confirmation. Trust but verify. Her words cannot be trusted. Watch her actions.

How has she been acting since she confessed ? Is there a chance she is still in contact with him ?

Like I said I hate to be right, but it is common for the cheater to take it further underground. Confessing becomes a smokescreen to stop you from looking deeper.

Best I advice I can give you right now ? Dig deeper and only believe what can be confirmed through another source. Do not take her word for it. She has proven she will lie to you if it benefits her.

You M will never be the same. The old M is dead and one new one can take it's place. New M doesn't mean worse it just means different.

Going to see an IC is a great first step. Let it out it will help you figure out what you next move is. See your doctor. They might be able to give you something to even your moods out or get some rest. You would not be the first BH to need that help. (BTDT myself)

Lastly take of yourself and don't take any drastic steps, say or do anything that you'd regret later.

People get D for less everyday. Your W needs to find her remorse and change her broken self so that she is worth a second chance. She is owed nothing as the consequence of cheating is the M ending. Anything short of that is a gift from you. This takes 2-5 years to get back to yourself. It is a long haul and there is no way to speed that up.

Mourn your old M. Negotiate what you want the new M to look like. Also always work towards R with strength and never fear.

Number one lie here: there was no sex.

Second most lie: only once.

Third: only twice.

4th-plus: the start of the affair, the claim there is no contact, never said "I love you," always used condoms, "NOW I finally told you EVERYTHING" ... you get the idea.

Rose colored glasses? I think so.

Tell the guy's wife or ex-wife - she may know a little more - why did they divorce? Your wife? Don't be so sure your wife did not add to that drama.

We may come off as harsh but to say this very respectfully, you do have rose colored glasses on and the truth will seem a little harsh.

Not that it will make you feel better, but you're talking to people who have gone through the exact same thing as yourself. Some have recovered, some are divorced, some are in limbo. You're in a safe place surrounded by people who know *exactly* how it feels to be in your shoes.

Ask if she would be willing to take a polygraph. Tell her you find it hardcto believe the "only once" story given the length of her opposite-sex "friendship" and her out-of-the-blue confession. See what she says.

Is the guy still a neighbor?

Why did she confess?

It takes two to tango. I don't believe that she didn't know that guy was interested before he stayed over. There must have been some emotional/physical foreplay before their encounter. She is not a victim.