SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear Women of SI,

I am guilty of requesting on demand sex often.

My W bounderies were something that I was able to hop over and so there is a HUGE amount of resentment for my WW.

I am trying and want to deeply UNDERSTAND the negative impact of this. Regardless of whether we make it. I need to understand the impact and right now I only sort of get it.

I am asking for 2x4's.

Maybe add the imact of words on a woman.

We had a near bankruptcy with employee theft and she reminds me that one night I said, "who are you talking to? You just keep talking to yourself" as I was going over paperwork at the kitchen table. We would fight about my parents and I've called her a "fucking bitch". She was yelling and it seemed like she just kept repeating herself, but in hindsight I don't think she felt that I was hearing her. Too me it is pretty bad. I shrug my shoulders and think yeah that is pretty bad. But for W, it is a whole different level of impact.

Help me understand. If not for this relationship, then the next.

Thank you,

Catch

What do you mean by "on demand sex?" Do you mean a sort of wifely duty thing, where she's expected to have sex with you when you feel like it? Personally, I think that would be incredibly demoralizing. I have to be in the right frame of mind to be intimate with my H, and it has to be a mutual thing.

My husband called me the C-word once, fifteen years ago. I still give him hell about it. Name-calling is so incredibly disrespectful and heinous. If you want to piss off a woman and push her away, call her a name.

Catch44,

I pressured my wife for sex and complained when I didn't get it on the rare, maybe one occasion that I didn't get it. But, what I didn't realize was the damage I caused by making her feel used as a sexual object.

In my case I also pressured her to do sexual things she didn't want to do and effectively mentally abused her until she did. Again, she felt used and rightly so.

Your demands are no excuse for your wayward cheating but perhaps you made her feel like she was only good for one thing the way I unfortunately did my BS.

To me personally, nothing turns me off more than someone that demands sex. It is not her wifely duty to give you sex on demand. She is not a robot. She is a person with feelings. You want it on demand, you need to hire someone for that and get out of the marriage. You need to see an IC to find out why you think you are entitled to such a demand from your wife. As far as name calling, if someone ever said what you said to her, you would be out the door. Ask my two XWH's. It all sounds immature and childish and solves nothing.

I'm not entirely sure of the question either, but I agree with 13YearsR. I am not my husband's property, I am his partner. He has no right to "demand" anything from me, but especially no right to demand access to MY body...

As far as name calling... I am not a name caller. I don't care how pissed I am, I don't do it. My husband has called me a bitch a few times in our relationship. If we're having a disagreement the fastest way to make me feel disrespected, degraded, and depressed is to call me a name. I just completely shut down and stop listening.. then stew about it for days.. Name calling is a sign you're either out of control, or just mean.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 12:06 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

13YearsR

Yes, basically. If she would say no I would be upset. She said she resented and sometimes would ask if I wanted to just to avoid a hassle.

This is stuff I need to understand and fix.

islesguy

No, it is not a excuse. But I have been ruminating on this for a couple of days. And my anger gets a quick bucket of cold water. So this is where I am focusing at this time. And I need to do MY work and get well. I am just as broken if not more.

TrustGone

Thank you, I need to own this in a big way.

doigoordoistay

You got what I was getting at. I have caused a lot of damage.

In my case I also pressured her to do sexual things she didn't want to do and effectively mentally abused her until she did. Again, she felt used and rightly so.

Your demands are no excuse for your wayward cheating but perhaps you made her feel like she was only good for one thing the way I unfortunately did my BS

.

Wow my ex did exactly that. I could have written that. So as a BS who never said no...ever...Here is my take on this. And I love sex...still.

There are times that I just need down and dirty get off sex (I realize not everyone is like that). If your partner is good with it and so are you great. But if that is all there ever is, then you are missing on the emotional connection that sex offers. And even we down and dirty girls need that too.

Take a look at how your viewing her, but also how you are connecting to her sexually and otherwise. Do you ever have emotional sex...or is it always just get what you need. Is it her you need or just to get off? There is a difference, and even when (like me) your ok with being there for the other person in a shallow I really need to get laid way - it doesn't feel right when that is all there ever is. Looking back it started being only that, which I resented...A lot. Still never said no, which was probably unhealthy because my needs weren't being met. It hurt me, which made me snippy, which made us fight. Then...who really can connect when you really just want to rip into the other person.

As time goes on if all you are is an object to be used, you start to see that being the only thing you believe the other person values in the relationship, because you don't feel like they come to you for anything other reason. So, for me it became the only thing I had to offer in my twisted reality. So when he cheated with the younger version of me - all I could see was that I wouldn't want me either. It was horribly devastating to me, and really screwed me up. It would absolutely be an opening for someone to step in and any little bit of attention or admiration could easily entice an affection starved woman. We all eat lies when we are hungry. We also justify our actions when we are hurt. Is it right -no. But it feels really good when someone sees "you" for something other than their own needs.

Words for me can make or break a connection, and unfortunately most of the time, you have to be in the right frame of mind. And reading the mood is a skill which takes communication and respect.

By the way...good for you for even looking at your part in this mess. I wish you all the best.

And Isle Guy...good for you for even being cognizant and owning what happened in your relationship.

Not a woman but here is my piece. I was never pushy or demanding of my FWW prior to her cheating. During her affairs she was much more sexually active, adventurous and accommodating with her APs. She did things with them that she had denied me for years. I still hold some resentment over this. My FWW has been much more willing, adventurous and accommodating to me since her affairs. If this changes then I might struggle being in the relationship with her. I don't want to pressure or force anyone into anything but I am not going to sit back and overlook my own needs and desires anymore. If she ain't up for it she can move along because I spent too much of my life sacrificing my needs and desires for someone to just kick me in the balls.

If she ain't up for it she can move along

I said the same thing to my H, but from the opposite end of the spectrum. His drive and mine do not match. It's emotionally EXHAUSTING when someone is constantly pressuring you to be something you're not. (He also wanted me to like cooking and cleaning and other "wifely" shit, which is not who I am.) I had had enough and told him that he could either leave me or stop pressuring me - his choice - but I was done being guilted. He stuck around, "took care of himself" for years (with infrequent sex sprinkled in,) and we're now working on a happy medium. We're happy and compatible in every department except sex. It's constant work, this marriage thing.

Honestly, I'm quite willing to have frequent quickie sex with him, but he isn't interested unless I'm into it. And being into it is what's hard when you're not feeling it. That's its own little special brand of pressure. Catch .22.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 12:49 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

Men like to have sex to reduce stress, but women need to be not stressed and in right frame of mind to have sex/make love. There are many things a man can do to help her get "in the mood" but it should never be forced.

Not a female perspective though.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 12:47 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

I am going to go totally againat the grain here. But, I think it is our wifely, and for that matter husbandly, duty to submit to the reasonable sexual desires of our spouses. Let's be honest. No one gets married expecting that they won't have their sexual needs met. Key here is reasonable. If I have a massive migraine, I would expect my WS not to "demand" sex from me. If he has a flare up of his stomach issues, I don't expect him to submit to my desires. But, if I am just not in the mood, and it persists for a long while (female hormonal whims can sometimes persist a bit), then I will submit to his sexual desire. However, I am open and honest with him. I tell him I am not in the mood, and not to expect anything over the top. Then, something neat happens; he can dialogue back. He will ask me if I want him to try to arouse me or if I'd rather just be quick. And vice versa. I tell him when I need emotional sex. Then, he tells me whether he has that to offer at that moment. I have found since we have started openly and honestly communicating our sexual desires/choices/whims/whatever, our sex life has been pretty dang amazing. Communication is key!! If your wife feels pressured, my suggestion is for her to TELL YOU.

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 1:06 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

trying1

Thanks trying. I crave the intimacy. It was sometimes a self medication for anxiety. But I craved more, not JUST sex. I want to hold each other afterward and she didn't. Can't imagine why, so I just kept pushing her away. Thanks for your help.

I've been working on communicating, connecting emotionally. We are limping forward.

my needs weren't being met. It hurt me, which made me snippy, which made us fight.

I really wasn't meeting her needs. I wasn't looking/being aware.

I just want/need to understand, so appreciate all the replies. They are helping. Even the men.AllbrokenupBusterMcBust

13YearsR

We had started a "new normal" last year that seemed OK. But I made a lot of chains of resentment. I appreciate your thoughts and any others you might think of.

[This message edited by Catch44 at 5:04 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

Hardroadout

Thanks for your thoughts.

It wasn't healthy. The dance we had. She was very giving and I was entitled. If we make it we need a new healthy marriage.

She has her FOO issues and so do I.

She picked the A's, I didn't. It's a mess.

This is why it hasn't been a deal breaker for me yet.

I appreciate all the thoughts and perspectives.

Where does your attitude of entitlement come from?

Also calling her a f@#CK@#G B@#$h, do you think that this is appropriate on any level? Can you see where this is really disrespectful?

I think you may have really hit the nail on the head in saying you were entitled. My SAWH was too. It has taken him a lot to move from that. He did not view me as a human being during sex. He viewed me as an object for his sexual use. And that, right there, is way wayward. I resented his use of me. Now, I don't mind submitting to his desire most of the time because I know I am a human being in his eyes.

And, I apparently missed that you named called. That is a sure fire way to kill sexual desire, self-esteem, respect, and love.

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 1:44 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

tired girl

I'm not sure. Why I would think that I could expect anything? She would be willing and giving if I backed off. That is what our separation is allowing. That space. I try to control my surroundings. FOO issues for sure. I'm trying to rewire my brain.

I justified the name calling because I was done with the fighting. It wasn't getting anywhere. I should have timed out or put it on pause. I had devalued my W to a point where I felt entitled to say it to get her to "back off".

I am writing and still trying to figure out the "why"? So that is a good question.

I don't know how often you were doing the name calling, however, maybe if that stopped you wouldn't have to do the demand sex. Not to quote Doctor Phil but it takes a 1000 attaboys to undo one you suck. It's really hard to get into the mood and feel close to somebody who just completely degraded you, even if it was days ago. Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom. Still not an excuse for her to have an A though...The fact that you realize this is a problem is a good sign. Hopefully your separation will give the 2 of you a chance to work on your issues so you can come-back together healthier and stronger.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 2:15 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

Men who deprive women of love, and women who deprive men of sex, are very likely frustrating a key reason for getting married and, thus, will have a shitty marriage.

I will say this about my XWW--she's no hypocrite. As long as I was treating her well, she was ready for on-demand sex.

[This message edited by PlanC at 2:25 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

I haven't left my WH over his affair but I would absolutely leave him if he was calling me names and demanding I had sex with him whenever he wanted.

If you want to diminish your wife to nothing more than a sexual object there to gratify some physical urge you have than the quickest way to do that is to dishonor her and disrespect her and make her feel unloved by calling her a name and then demand she has sex with you. If my husband ever did this I would literally feel completely replaceable and that he only cared about getting off and absolutely no consideration for me.

I also see that you have 3 children - I also have three. I was pregnant or nursing a child (or both) for over 7 years. I cannot begin to describe to you what that did to my hormones, body image, sex drive, emotions, and on top of all that I was so absolutely exhausted and felt sick much of the time. I would have been so completely hurt and shattered had my WH ever demanded I put myself aside to gratify him.

[This message edited by messyleslie at 2:31 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

doigoordoistay

Thanks for your thoughts. I would say there would be a big fight 3 maybe 4 times a year that I would blurt it out. And the threat of divorcing with those big fights. That destroyed her as well. It was said as a threat, but almost mirroring where I thought she would take the argument further to.

Thanks PlanC, I made it shitty. Hindsight.