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dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 10:33 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2017
I sent her a text today about sitting with the attorney to do everything. No response yet. I opened my own bank account. Took 1/2 money out of a joint savings and put it in my new account. Such a fun ride to be on.
Randy1133 ( member #54958) posted at 12:53 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
Don't listen to these people, minivans are total babe magnets. I got my ex's white prius in the divorce, nothing spells a man comfortable with his sexuality than driving a white prius. Also, it gets 48 mpg!
Dday: May/Aug 2016
Divorced
'Even in a toothache there is enjoyment'- Dostoyevsky
nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 1:25 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
Good job with the bank account.
Me - happy!
2 DDs
Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 3:36 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
WW texted me about something pertaining to the kids this morning and then proceeded to tell me she wrote me a letter and she would like me to read it. I don't have to respond right away.
Oh so you got papers on Friday and all of a sudden you want to write me letters and participate.
Randy1133 ( member #54958) posted at 3:51 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
WW texted me about something pertaining to the kids this morning and then proceeded to tell me she wrote me a letter and she would like me to read it
.
Tell her your address recently changed to 'Zero Fucks Given Lane' and that she can send it there.
Dday: May/Aug 2016
Divorced
'Even in a toothache there is enjoyment'- Dostoyevsky
TKOGA ( member #58595) posted at 3:51 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
For the love of God do not read that stupid fucking letter. Stop communicating with this imbecile. I realize she initially got you with questions about the kids but once she veers from that topic you shut down the conversation. Do no communicate with her. Do it through lawyers. This is becoming a soap opera. Put a stop to this pathetic performance.
27 year old woman. Walked in on my fiancé with his best friend's girlfriend. Called off the wedding and broke up with him but no one knows why. This sucks.
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 3:55 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
I told her there was no point. If she was trying to change my mind it wasn't happening.
sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
If you haven't told the OBS yet, please do so now. The one thing that haunts me is that people knew, and didn't feel the need to tell me what was going on in my own life.
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 8:35 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
I just got off the phone with OBS. We've talked numerous times through this. I wanted her to know where everything was at and she gave me some info on her side. OM only stays in contact with WW because he feels responsible for everything and wants to be there for her. Bullshit. She had him block her number, well they are still talking so bullshit on that too.
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 9:04 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
So here is the letter. I read it. I'm sure you all might say it was stupid but I've grown strong enough to read it without a problem.
Dear BS,
I'm not sure where to being to express how truly sorry I am for all the pain I have caused you and DD and DS. I have acted incredibly selfishly over the past several months. Even though you may not believe it, I never intended to hurt you,
I know I turned your world and our family's world upside down by having an affair. I should have told you and checked myself in the beginning.
I should have spoken up about the things taht were bothering me but I didn't. I take full responsibility for my part in that and my actions. I truly regret the things I have done both emotionally and physically. I'm asking now that you please forgive me. Please forgive me for destroying the core of our relationship.
Please forgive me for all of your pain from your past that has resurfaced because of my actions. PLease forgive me for making you question our history together, espcially from the last 6 months Please forgive me for conitnue my affair even after you asked me to stop. I promise this will not let this happen again. I will work to better myself for you,
our marriage and our children. I will continue to read things taht will be helpful in restoring us. I will continue going to therapy. I will work to change my part in our negative dance. I have cut ties with OM and made him aware of that. I want to do all I can to make you feel safe again and I am aware it will be a long process. I will do my best to be completely transparent and give you access to anything and everything you want. I know we can never go back to the way we used to be.
We can get through this and we can be even better. I regret taking this long to figure that out. I let my feeling and emotions and shame get on the way of that. I miss you.
I miss us. I miss our family and I sincerly regret my actions that broke all of that apart.
I can't imagine what is has been like for you the past several weeks having to keep it all together for yourself and the kids. You are one of the strongest people I know. I am sorry you had to handle that on your own. Throughout all of this it amazes me that that you worked to better yourself. I recognize all the things you have done and the progress you have made in bettering yourself. I promise to use you as my inspiration and motivation to better myself for you.I don't know how I could have done this to you. How could I have hurt you like this?
I don't have answers for that. We have been through so much together, how could I do this?
I am sure you have been asking yourself the same thing. I am so sorry. I know it's just a word but I'm ready to show you with my actions by cutting ties, giving you everything you need to feel safe again, working to better myself to make sure this doesn't happen again. Please just consider giving me another chance even though I know I don't deserve it.
Love, WW
TKOGA ( member #58595) posted at 9:31 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
You truly must be a glutton for punishment. I can't think of another explanation. She is still in the fucking affair! Divorce and stop entertaining this nonsense. Think of your emotional well-being.
27 year old woman. Walked in on my fiancé with his best friend's girlfriend. Called off the wedding and broke up with him but no one knows why. This sucks.
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
I'm not entertaining anything and I don't feel anything mentally other than almost more steadfast in my decision.
Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 9:56 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
I think your wife's plan from the start was to do what she wants for as long as she can (not caring who she hurts) but to ask for forgiveness before divorce. I see a list, I see no action, I see no real emotion in the writing...This isn't a "im devastated by what I've done, the pain I've caused you, the damage I've done to our kids. This is a Sorry, sorry, sorry...I'm back! Please don't be swayed.
Randy1133 ( member #54958) posted at 10:05 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
Isn't it funny, do the pick me dance and they cheat on you more. Send them divorce papers and all of a sudden they are June fucking Cleaver.
[This message edited by Randy1133 at 4:07 PM, May 31st (Wednesday)]
Dday: May/Aug 2016
Divorced
'Even in a toothache there is enjoyment'- Dostoyevsky
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 10:08 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
Rulk ( member #43969) posted at 10:18 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
The best reply to that letter is silence. You are set on D and anything she does from this point is too little too late.
notperfect5 ( member #43330) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
dost,
My WW could have written this. She kept cheating on me as she promised NC. Over and over I caught her breaking NC in some way. I didn't know it at the time, but she kept sneaking off to screw him in a hotel. This was over 8 months and 7 NC breaks.
Only when my daughter caught her doing Facetime one day did I say, "that's it" and I told her I was filing for divorce.
Then she stopped. Not until I said, I'm filing for divorce. That was when she really realized that the punch bowl was being taken away and that all her friends and neighbors and patients would know she was an adulteress.
I did not follow through with the divorce.
Then it was still a full 6-8 months before the gravity of what she had done sunk in. She had two separate breakdowns (uncontrollable crying, sobbing...) and a confession to our children and families. It took her a number of months more for the fog to fully dissipate. Then she realized how bad the OM was. He wasn't a wonderful, caring, loving man. He was a conceited, uncaring player that just fucked what he could and talked his way into it. Then she slowly realized how cruel and abusive she had been.
It was fascinating to behold. Like she slowly crawled out of lunacy.
Since then she has been doing very well. Not perfect, but no one is. She has been working on herself and improving and changing and really becoming a better person. Better than before the OM ever came into the picture and better than she was over the last 20 years. It is impossible to reconcile with a remorseless cheater. It agonizing to reconcile with one that is remorseful or contrite. But it can be done with what once was a steadfast, defiant, conceited, abusive cheater.
So just know that it can take several months for her to pull out of the fog and to really, really start to change. Change STARTS sometimes with the filing of divorce papers. It can continue for a year or more before she really gets it.
So it's up to you now.
You still can R if you want. You both can do the hard rebuilding if you want. She can be a good wife again. You can be there for each other, better than before the A. I won't ever say that our marriage is better because of the A. She killed it. But I will say that she is a better wife NOW then she was before the OM ever came into the picture.
Just know that it is in your interest, regardless if you R or D, to continue on with D for a while. You may decide to continue with the D till the very end before calling it off. You may decide to D and remarry. Some have done that. I also do know that the process of D may have helped my wife get over the fog sooner. Who knows. Just know that it can take some people a while for the fog to fully clear, if you do want her back some day.
Good luck dost. Take care of those children and love them for her too.
Me: 55 BH Her: 52 WW - Edith12
DDay 8/13 EA, fake R
Turned PA on 4/27/14 and fake R
PA during MC and my IC and her IC through 12/14
Polygraph on 4/30/15, TT 5/5/15.. TT on 10/4/15, 2nd Poly and TT 11/17/15
DD's 23, 21, 18, 15 DS
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 10:49 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
I'll be honest. If that letter came 1 month ago or more I would have jumped right back. It's all I wanted. Now all I see is lies and someone who is only doing this because the consequences have become real. Would she have wrote it without the papers? I strongly doubt it.
[This message edited by dostl10 at 4:50 PM, May 31st (Wednesday)]
ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 11:03 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now
dostl10 (original poster member #58597) posted at 11:12 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2017
I was just looking at all the "I" statements. I mean I get that there has to be some but your are right. It's all I and very little you.
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