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So what id like to do is get her to sit down and work out an agreement on everything. I'm just unsure of how to say that. Give her options?

1. We sit down with my attorney who is already paid and work through and agree on everything and you don't have to pay a dime.

2. You get an attorney and we make this a drawn out very costly process which won't be good for anyone most importantly the kids.

Do I speak to her mother to let her know what's going on?

I would say now it is between you and her, she can deal with her mother later.

Right now I think that you are in a better position to get what you want, if as you think she will go along to get out of the M rather than R.

We used my lawyer for the arbitrator. As well as filing all the paperwork.

If she gets her own lawyer her position will harden. Is arbitration required in your jurisdiction?

It might be best to act quickly before she decides to play hardball....

I don't think she's looking for R. I think her wanting to talk is a stall tactic. She's not once demonstrated during this time any desire for R through words or action.

Do I speak to her mother to let her know what's going on?

Um....no.

So..why don't you just have your attorney draw up the details of the divorce, asset division, child support, alimony (which is to say none - unless you are to receive it). Your going-in position. And negotitate from there.

Are you going to do mediation?

Everything is already drawn up from what k want

Have an agreement drawn up and present to her. Either she will want to sit down to discuss amicably or she will lawyer up thinking she can get more. Either way, it's a starting point and you are taking the initiative and driving the train. You will get a feel for how she is going to react based on her reaction. If she turns on you, then all communication ceases and it goes thru attorneys.

Leave her mother out of it. This is between you and your WW. If her mother asks you directly, tell her.

FWIW, I wrote up our settlement, gave it to xhole, he didn't bat an eye, signed it, and that became the official settlement. Obviously, you need to work thru this with your attorney (we didn't use attorneys).

So everything was drawn up through my attorney. Parenting plan, child support I'll receive and so on. We have no other assets. We rent a home and the only thing of significance we own is our mini van which is in her name.

dost- doesn't sound like there is anything to discuss. Was that proposal in the package she was served? I don't see an upside for you to sit down and talk it over with her. She either accepts your proposal or she counters with her own.

No there isn't. Id just prefer it not to be long and drawn out process. Like you said. It's her choice on that matter though.

I ended up talking to WW last night. I gave her a chance to say what ever she needed to say about everything which amounted to,

I don't want to lose my family or you. I need time to get my thoughts totether. I've been going to counseling and have another appointment this week. I'm still talking to AP.

Do I tell OBS where we are at?

Why do you keep giving her unnecessary opportunities to spew her bullshit about losing her family and blah blah blah?

The only thing you need to say to her is to take the proposed agreement to HER lawyer and if they have any issues or questions, to speak to your lawyer directly. And I hope you're giving her the mini van. You sure won't be a chick magnet driving something like that around.

The OBS doesn't need a play by play update on your divorce situation.

Because apparently I am a gluten for punishment.

I'm still talking to AP.

This is all you need to know.

Agreed. I wasn't expecting anything more than what was said. No emotion in anything nothing. I said in response to your question "no there are no more chances and yes this is what I want." After that she started to cry and I just said goodbye and hung up.

Because apparently I am a gluten for punishment.

Than maybe you should try to be gluten-free?

Look, as others have said, she's had her chances, and there is no point in engaging her in discussion. It just delays your recovery. I'd draw a clear boundary now - only contact if it's about kids, finances, or divorce papers.

[This message edited by hpv50 at 1:19 PM, May 28th (Sunday)]

Of course tell OBS

HPV, I realized my spelling area just to lazy to fix it. I was waiting for someone to call me out on it.

Sharman, I've had dialogue with her throughout. I feel i should give her a heads up just so she's aware of where WW is at.

Admittedly a WW here - just so you know. We are inching toward divorce so you have a sense for my response not that you'll necessarily give a dang but.....

Give her up.

She's talking to AP - then she is f'ing him at your expense. You are most attractive when you're being your strong independent doing my own thing self.

Yes - and def keep the mini-van off your wish list.

I would mediate if you can.

I did and my only regret is that we only went through high school as far as finances. No college talk or insurance or cars...that was dumb.

Be thorough!!

If she's willing to mediate - do it. I think my XH was 'nice' at the time because he sorta wanted it all behind him. They change once time goes on, especially if they're with someone new - so get it all worked out now rather than later.