SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I still get the comments "you're so lucky, he's such a great guy" to which I now reply, "he's pretty lucky himself. He has an amazing wife."

My wh himself has trouble seeing the man he turned into and thinks that no one would ever suspect it of him. Hate to break it to him,(but I have)but he has been on business trips with coworkers that most certainly saw him flirting with women. I'm confident that those coworkers have a different impression of him than he thinks they do...

[This message edited by Ginac at 6:17 PM, June 11th (Sunday)]

after giving the best 30 years of my life to my wife and being loyal, honest and full of love, No, I had no idea she could do this to me.

I certainly never thought, that's why I married her and stayed married. Her best friend and another friend of hers never thought either.

But her parents and some other people she knew... Yeah no, she wasn't one everyone thought she would never.

I thought her parents were kind of assholes to her and she had demonstrated she wasn't like they were portraying her. I defended her against what I thought was abuse from her parents. I silenced whoever would doubt her. Eh. Such a fool.

I was completely blind sided by the afair. I believe our relationship was strong right upto dd and the affair hit me like a freight train.

Yes I have the H no one would ever believe would be a cheater.

He had a 4 year EA 20 years ago and denied it as inappropriate. He was not in love with her but she was madly in love with him. Still an inappropriate friendship/relationship that finally ended. But complete stonewall and gaslighting by him. REFUSED to admit he did anything wrong.

Then the mid life crisis A 4 years ago. He wanted a divorce. But we managed to R but there are days I wonder if I did the right thing for me.

He was flirty with women. I was never jealous b/c he didn't cheat. Or wouldn't cheat. He wasn't that guy. I married him for his honesty and strength.

Now here is the kicker. He travels extensively for his job. Weeks in Europe and foreign countries. Big cities all over the world. Plenty of opportunities to cheat and I would never know.

I never thought he would. I never once asked him if he did.

But now I know he did. and got away with it. I have no proof. But given his nature and two prior As I am soooo positive there were others - most likely one night stands.

He claims his last AP they did not have sex. The OW also told me the same thing the first night I spoke with her. I know they kissed. BUT I also know he spent two nights in her apartment BUT NO SEX. Lol - I just don't buy it.

So now I believe my H is a long time cheater b/c he had plenty of opportunity in our 30 year marriage. But he will never admit it. That's for sure.

I say this because recently I was upset about his lack of communication. In the middle of a heated discussion he told me he agrees we don't communicate and he feels it because I don't have sex with him. What the hell?! He said about 10 times I said no and hurt his feelings.

Sooo my SI friends he won't communicate (as in talking and sharing and I don't mean the weather either). Our entire married lives. I accepted it until after the A and he blamed ME for his feeling disconnected. Huh!!!!

So now it is about sex. I don't recall rejecting him that often in last few months. I can recall twice.

But now I know he wil rationalize his cheating b/c of sex. Hey I had to go without too all those days he was gone traveling. Or working until 11 pm. Didn't propel me to cheat.

So nice view I have of my H now. Isn't it?? He could take a polygraph test and pass - I would not believe it. He is that good a liar.

We have reconciled but I would not say it is forever. I take it day by day.

I attribute his his behavior (flirty) and cheating to his shyness with girls when he was younger. We met when he was in his teens. So it was basically High school and then me. We met and married. Then he became successful and moved up the corporate ladder. And women noticed.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:55 AM, June 12th (Monday)]

Yep I was blind sighted as were our families. He was always kind, considerate and loving and it would probably shock our friends and acquaintances if they knew. Was never a huge flirt or ogle good looking women. Never cheated on his xW even when they had years of martial issues and in house separation.

But he would lie about money which we struggled with early in our M. Should have been a red flag. I never thought he was a cheater.

I knew when the A was going on that something was very wrong but I honestly never thought an A.

Count me in. WH would NEVER do that to me. NEVER.

Then he changed. Started becoming more argumentative. Started acting cocky. And the very, very long hours he was putting into work (not).

One day, I had a thought that something was going on with him and I started thinking I just might look into GPS systems for his car. I was literally not 30 seconds into my search before I stopped myself, telling myself he would NEVER do that. And it went right out of my head.

What a stupid, naive woman I was.

Never thought it possible either. He was in a profession where a lot of people cheated (mainly due to loads of opportunities during travel), but I thought I had the one good one - and he was consistently loving toward me. Turns out, he was consistently loving on other people, too, for 7 years.

Never in a million years did I think mine would. I was completely blindsided on DD1. Looking back now, I am not shocked. All for ego kibbles. As I told him, he never should have allowed it to happen. I've had very strong boundaries since our wedding day, and I will never understand why you would betray the one person who has always stood by you.

I was completely blindsided.

My WH came from a great loving family, no FOO excuses.

He was a Christian who had been involved in the church on and off.

He was never flirty.

His BFF was divorced twice bc of cheating. He knew the devastation it caused.

His boss was cheating with the dept. secretary, and he would call me almost daily when he knew they were out for their short trysts. It disgusted him....until he did the same thing.

I never thought he would cheat ever! Every person who knows him and has found out is amazed that he did so - let alone a LTA and multiple OW.

Yes, I saw him with depression, becoming increasingly cold and distant but I thought it was work stress, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Tried to support him, take care of him.

OMG this ^^^^^^ I remember telling a friend how selfish and nasty he had become - a total change. My friend said 'well, from where I see it, he is either having an affair or he has a brain tumour'

I was so worried I asked him to go to see the doctor - I was convinced there is no way he'd have an affair.

We are 5 years out and his behaviour has improved but he nowhere near as nice as he used to be for the first 20years of our marriage. Or maybe it is just I see him for the selfish man he always was but the rose tinted glasses have got totally smashed!! I struggle to even like him some days now - he can be unbelievably manipulative and passive aggressive.

My ex was a model Christian. True story- she read her Bible and prayed 2 to 3 hours a day. Very moral, very 'godly'. Never afraid to speak her mind and as she was very beautiful, easily rebuffed men's advances and was vocal about it.

I was lustfully in love and felt we had a very strong marriage.

I truly believe if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.

I think most people have the potential for affairs.

I lean away from this. I think people either do or don't have the cheating gene. Like being an alcoholic. You either are or you aren't. Almost like a DNA type thing.

For example, my first wife was cherished and loved. She was a committed Christian and I saw to it she lacked for nothing so long as I could afford it. But she cheated- 3 times.

My second and current wife was abused by her first husband. At age 27 he got testicular cancer and proudly reported to her sex was over in their marriage. In their 20's! Young and pretty, abusive husband, sexless marriage.... had a few guy friends. But it never entered her mind to cheat. Never.

So I tend to see it that people either have the tendency to cheat or they don't.

ME omg. Everyone was STUNNED when they found out. STUNNED. He worshiped me like the sun moon, and stars. We were the "perfect" couple.

Ugh, it makes me want to fly into a rage because it was so STUPID his reasons for destroying that.

He was never a selfish person before three months ago. I don't know why he suddenly decided to be, but...yeah.

Came out of absolutely nowhere.

I had that spouse. Everyone I told was shocked.

I thought I had finally married the one man in the world who was so honorable that he would never cheat.

I was married before for 10 years (no kids) and ended that marriage because first WH cheated.

The most important thing to me, this 2nd time around, was that I marry an honorable man this time.

Current WH (WH #2) presented himself as the most honorable man I would ever meet.

I also mistakenly thought that because of all of my sacrifices

(left my world and moved to his town, gave up my career to raise our 4 kids, all responsibility for everything seemed to be on my shoulders, etc.)

that he would NEVER do something like that to me, because I am the mother of his 4 kids, and especially after knowing how it had devastated me in my first marriage, especially after 22 years together, and because it is one of God's Commandments.

Boy was I wrong! All it took was a Slunt offering to spread her legs and all his morals went out the door.

Yup. Everyone tells me that he is such a nice guy. Turns out he is. VERY nice. To lots of people.

And he was "nice" to me, unless you count all of the cheating (which, of course, I do).

Sigh. WTF is wrong with them?

FML, our stories sound very similar. It was an ego boost. My WS was way too friendly with way too many women.

Count me as one of them. Based upon the fact that she came from a divorced household and throughout the years how she would claim she wasn't in to a lot of things, especially younger guys, needless to say I was shocked when her actions with this guy were the exact opposite. As my son put it when he found out, he claimed that if the two of us couldn't make it and she cheated, he has no faith that anyone can be in a relationship as that's how perfect we seemed. She ruined everything. now I see us a just normal people, nothing special.

But that's why she got away with it. Despite all the evidence that was before me, I never thought anything would happen and she basically took advantage of my stupidity.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 8:19 AM, June 14th (Wednesday)]

When I told people about my Ex's affair, they would literally double over like they had been punched in the gut. No one thought that he would cheat including me. But... and it's taken me years to see this...in retrospect, knowing now and accepting that my Ex is a narcissist who is incapable of emotional intimacy much less being authentic, combined with a good dose of conflict avoidance and passive aggressive tendencies and throw in dash of self-destruction...it was only a matter of time.

I think the writing was always on the wall, I just couldn't read it. Now I can.