"i am swinging wildly. one minute my mind is calm and im staring at her. the next i remember something and the hair on my neck stands up.
she is being stand offish and i find myself thinking she cheated and im the one feeling bad. maybe she feels bad, maybe not but these swings are damned near manic.
please dear God help me get through."
You are reeling, partly because you're trying desperately to cling to her truth because you want to believe it's less severe, but you're processing now and your gut is screaming at you. You need to listen to your gut!
I have been here forever. I don't post much because I'm 15 years past this bullshit and I've moved on, but I do read occasionally, and don't need to post because there are ten people who will say what I would have, anyway.
But, you asked about reconciliation, so I will share my experience.
My husband (henceforth referred to as the Rat Bastard) had an affair with a woman he met at the race track where he raced (henceforth referred to as the Track Rat). It was discovered rather quickly because...well, because the Rat Bastard is an idiot and not very good at hiding his tracks. We had been married 26 affair-free years at this point.
The Rat Bastard was appropriately contrite and regretful, and looked me in the eye and SWORE that it was over. I was only too happy to accept his blithe promises and sweep that shit pile out of my house and my life.
A few months later, I start smelling shit again. Couldn't see it, but my gut was telling me it's there. I confronted my husband, who should have won an Oscar for his convincing lies, straight to my pathetic, wanting to believe, face. I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me, he repeatedly and vehemently refused.
I spent the next two years of my life chasing him, trying to catch him with his pants down, because he told me I was crazy, there was nothing going on, and I needed help.
Finally, after the worst two years of my life, I caught him at the Track Rat's house where I confronted him. 
This time I didn't handle things like the scared little rabbit I was the first time. I drove home, grabbed his most prized toys and threw them onto the front lawn, along with anything else of his I could carry. I kicked him out that night and made him bring a police escort to pick up his clothing the next day. 
I refused for the next three months to discuss anything with him except the house, money, or our children (who were late teens, early 20s), and so pissed at him, they both refused to talk to him. This included Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The first week after the shit storm I interviewed two attorneys, got myself into divorce counseling and got the one child who would agree to go into counseling. Sadly, they witnessed their mother's near breakdown that night, and their Rat Bastard father standing on the front porch for three hours trying to talk his way back into the house, while his son stood guard at the front door and wouldn't let him in. Yeah, real proud moments all the way around, there. 
My husband, on the other hand, at the eleventh hour and while I was preparing for divorce, got himself into IC completely on his own. This is a guy who didn't even buy his own clothes, or make his own doctor appointments. This was unbeknownst to me because I wouldn't even talk to him. As far as I knew, the night I threw him out, he turned around and went back to the Track Rat's house.
Finally, after three months, I started talking to him, and with much cajoling, agreed to attend a counseling session with him. That led to a year of marriage counseling and dating (during which time I would not let him come back home), and we finally reconciled. That was 15 years ago. We're still together and doing great.
Sadly, my friend, your wife bought you a ticket to a shit show. It's not a show you wanted to see, but there you are, front row, center.
Reconciling is out of your hands. That is up to her. She has to be willing to humble herself, do the work (which she needs to do whether you reconcile or not), then come and ask you if you'd be willing to reconcile. That would be a gift you bestow on her only after she has earned it. Your wife has not earned it.
I don't care how introverted or solitary she is, she doesn't get to say she needs space or feels pushed, or doesn't want to talk. Those are not the words of someone who wants to reconcile. You have let her know that you are more than willing to do so. You have devalued the greatest gift you could ever offer someone. An ongoing relationship with someone who has betrayed you, stomped your heart, and shit on you. Pretty major gift if you ask me!
One of the biggest lessons I learned from that whole process (and there were many valuable lessons learned) is that I teach someone how to treat me. My husband walked through fire and glass to EARN his way back into my life and our family. I offered him a tremendous gift, one he still honors to this day. What are you trying to teach your wife about the treatment you expect?
I'm sorry, Dude, but your marriage is dead. The person you thought you were married to is gone. It cannot be saved, revived or continued. It's over. You need to wrap your head around that and come to terms with it.
There is no shortcut through this pile of shit. It is blocking the path to your future. The two of you will need to pick up each piece, turn it over, examine it, discuss it, then set it aside. Eventually, the two of you will make a path to a new marriage and future. You'll both have scars and you'll smell like shit for a while, but as time goes on, and the honesty continues and new trust is built, the scars will fade and the shit pile will be further and further in your past.
You aren't the same person you were before this happened, but neither is she. Ergo, you can't go back to the way things were. Whether you rebuild or divorce is up to her first, then you. I am here to testify that you can build something pretty damn awesome out of that shit pile.
The Rat Bastard and me? We're best friends and this year marks 42 years of marriage. Yes, picking out Valentine's and Anniversary cards are still a bitch, none of that, "you've always been there for me" or "you've never let me down" bullshit. Instead, it's "we've been through some ragged shit, but we fought and worked hard, and made our way back to each other." I do trust my husband, but I also know what he is capable of and I'm not naive or pathetic in my blind faith any longer. It's a different marriage. But, we were 18 when we got married, so what did we know about marriage anyway?
Listen to your gut. Ask the hard questions and don't accept deflection or manipulation. She doesn't have that luxury any longer. You have too much at stake.
Good luck. I wish you peace. 
