SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sitting at dinner with her and one of my children. I love her so much and can't stop staring at her, yet here I am on SI, trying to SI.

Hang in there thepain. We're still here with ya. Know that you are not alone. You have a small village of support right here in your pocket.

i am swinging wildly. one minute my mind is calm and im staring at her. the next i remember something and the hair on my neck stands up.

she is being stand offish and i find myself thinking she cheated and im the one feeling bad. maybe she feels bad, maybe not but these swings are damned near manic.

please dear God help me get through.

If the emotions are too high go for a walk and re-center.

So I asked if she had talked to her sister. She said yes. I asked what they talked about... during the brief exchange (she basically doesn't want to and nearly refuses to talk about it), she got upset and again said she wanted time.

I told her I was cool with time but I needdd to know that I wasn't gobbling a shit sandwich for nothing. I said I'm willing to work for this but in need to know that you are too. She said she didn't know what she wanted to do.

I asked her if she thought it was slightly fucked up that after what she did, she was the one trying to determine if she wanted to stay in the marriage.

I then said that I had 50,000 internet friends telling me to throw her ass out into the street. I didn't say that, but I thought it... lol.

I asked her if her intention was to try. She said yes. I asked what she planned to do to "try". She said staying in our house. I swiftly reminded her that she has nowhere else to go, so I didn't really take her "staying here" as trying.

I kept very cool. Didn't raise my voice and didn't cry.

I believe she is in the guilt phase. I told her at some point remorse will kick in. Also told her that many times before the remorse kicks in, the cheating spouse has been thrown out. When remorse comes, then cheating spouse figures out that they want back in but it's too late. The BS is done.

we'll see how this weekend goes...

Your too generous think of your self and draw a line in the sand

I don't know why she is the one in control and twisting the knife

Your probably better off actually calling it quits and let her work it back from there

I believe she is in the guilt phase.

Nope, she's in the "don't bother me with your constant and annoying questions" stage.

She's in the "I'll let you know what I decide when I stinkin' decide it" stage.

She's in the "wow, I thought he'd toss me out when he found out but now he's doubling down and will fight for our marriage" stage.

She is not showing you love nor respect. You are the one in pain. She is the one toying with you.

You are frantically searching for the wife you had and we all understand the panic. You are desperate for your old life back. We all were.

You are really just days in and gutted. I am a believer in getting your balance and then moving forward.

It is too soon to declare you will save this marriage at any cost. You simply do not have enough information and your head/heart are too muddled.

It is not too soon to see a lawyer.

It is not too soon to have her treat you with dignity.

It is not too soon to recognize her behavior is vastly unlovable.

Finally, I've been on these boards for a bit and have read so so so many posts. Recently someone posted that affairs with ex's, first loves and high school sweethearts are a special kind of awful. Something to ponder.

Take care of yourself. You are very cared for at SI. We all just want you to recognize your power and reclaim it now.

I'm sorry, but she is not in the guilt phase. She is in the trying out the OM and see which I like better phase. Right now like it or not you are plan B and a safety net.

You are doing the pick me dance and she is not "trying". She is using you for fire insurance. This absolutely won't work.

Its been just a couple days since you found this website and it can all just feel so darn overwhelming that you cannot see straight. It can also feel absolutely entirely opposite of what you want to do. What your heart wants to do and what your head KNOWS it should do.

So right now just take this in baby steps, as many have said you need to take care of yourself first, breathe, take long walks or go for a run if you need to or go work out at your local gym if that is something you do but find a way to burn off some of this tension. The next thing I hope you do is to find yourself, and for you only, a therapist who will help you thru this trauma. Trust us when we tell you this is going to get worse for awhile as you start to really take in how far down the rabbit hole infidelity goes. You need someone you can talk to where you can vent and say all the things you want to say about your whole life and they are there just for you.

Baby steps. Each minute, hour, day that goes by your fog of pain will start to shift and change and you will get more clarity. Right now you are just in shock and pain, been there, done that. It can last days or weeks, go see your regular doctor and get help with some sleep meds if needed, trust us our doctors have heard it all and will be there for you, they won't be shocked by what you tell them.

So sorry. Sorry for all of us being here.

You're damaging your chances of saving this by not listening to the folks with tons of experience. Basically you're trying to invent the wheel.

Quit trying to talk to her about it. Let her figure out why you have suddenly stopped and what it means. Look up the 180 and follow it to the letter. Every letter. It's the small things that make it work. She needs to know that you will be fine with or without her.. She needs to see actions as you do not words.

Men pursue women. They don't do it on their knees. They toss bait then reel them in and vice versa. Everyone knows this. You're literally trying to beg someone to love you. That has never worked.

Talk to a lawyer, do not tell her but make sure she "finds out."

Text your sister in law and tell her simply, "For obvious reasons I have to find a new executor for my will." Nothing more.

Get in touch with the Posom's wife. Let him worry about his own family. You think he wants your wife full time with her baggage and someone he's already cheated on the past. He's a serial cheater.

Google serial cheater. Find a good description and send it to your wife. Let that be the only exception to the 180 until she decides she's ready to talk.

The results of doing things the way you are doing them will be divorce. You will not find any threads on any forum that disputes this. However, divorcing a cheater isn't the end of the world is it?

If your strong you have an excellent chance. If you're weak your marriage is toast. Do not let emotion control you any longer. There is too much at stake . Do not let her see you cry or be angry. Do that in private.

When I found out my WW cheated on me with some dude, I instinctively went into survival mode.

I let her sleep in late regularly while I took care of the kids.

I started going to Starbucks regularly to buy her her favorite grande latte with skim milk. I even pronounced it the stupid grand-ay way when everyone knows it's just a medium. And I don't even drink coffee.

I tiptoed around the house to make sure she was happy.

I turned over the TV remote control decision making to her so she could enjoy Desperate Housewives and her other junky shows.

I bought her an expensive ring I knew she wanted.

And on and on.

Years later I found out a lot more of the truth - serial cheating on me and my kids for years. Stealing money from us. Showering her boyfriends with gifts, with money I earned, including thousands of dollars to pay one AP's rent.

Don't be me.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? Remember the episode when George realizes he needs to do everything the opposite of what he thinks he should do? He starts by ordering chicken salad on rye, untoasted, with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea, instead of his usual tuna on toast with a side of cole slaw and coffee?

You need to order up chicken salad piled high on a foot long sub my friend.

I know it's hard. Been there. Sending strength!

[This message edited by Ponus18 at 9:00 AM, July 15th (Saturday)]

Again, here I am. Sitting in first class on a flight to an awesome city to stay in an awesome hotel to eat awesome foods and do fantastic things. I'm sitting beside someone i deeply love. Love more than myself.

I am dying in side and I'm killing myself. I am desperately fighting to stay calm and controlled.

I text the sister last night. I told her I was hurt but she was out in an impossible situation. As you all have said, blood is blood. My wife said she is very upset about me being upset with her. I believe that but it doesn't change the fact.

I'm going to fight until the death. The death of my marriage that is. I don't want this to end, but I am strong. I'm capable of being alone and I know this. I do not want my kids hurt and I do not want my marriage to end. But if my wife does, I can't be married to someone that doesn't want me. I can't be married to someone that isn't devoted to our marriage 100%. There isn't a list a mile long of people that would want to be next to me right now. In fact I've made it a point to have zero relationships with any women. I don't even know anyone that is single. But I gaurentee there is someone that would sot in that sit given the chance. Of course not that it's what I want as it's truly the furthest thing from my kind. I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else. Ever.

I'm trying. We'll see if she does. I'll turn inside for her. Fuck, i am inside out. BUT, I will only do it for so long.

I promised to love her until death do us part. I meant every single word and I intend to follow up on my promise. I never thought that "til death donus lart" could mean the death of my marriage.

I owe everyone that has responded an adult beverage when I get through this. I know that's logistically impossible. So instead, I will do my best to contribute to the board when other poor bastards come her saying their Spouse, love and situation is different.

God and message board friends please give me strength.

Sucks so completely bad!!!

Please, please listen to the wise people on SI. We all get it. You love your wife BUT she has done something pretty horrible and has suffered no consequences. I think you are still in shock.

You have a nice life and you don't want to disrupt it. That's understandable so our mind and heart plays tricks on us. I have a nice life too ... Kids in private schools, vacations, new fancy cars, etc. . BUT my husband is a liar and a cheat. When I first caught him last year my knee jerk reaction was to "fix it". I went to IC. I fully immersed myself in the marriage trying to make him happy ... The ultimate "pick me dance". I initially didn't feel anger towards him ... I just wanted to love him and keep my family together. He is the only man I have ever loved and the thought of not being with him was inconceivable.

But over time, living this way will slowly kill your soul and you will become angry and bitter. You will become a person you don't recognize. You are sweeping this under the rug.

Your WW should be begging and pleading with you for forgiveness. She should be in IC and trying to figure out why she would do such a thing, betray you and hurt your family.

Please keep reading on here. You will see patterns in behavior and see what works and what doesn't work. Infidelity is a horrible, destructive mess that simply cannot be forgiven so quickly. It takes years of work on the BS part and a lot of introspection for your marriage to survive.

((thepainisreal))

Your posts break my heart. I remember. I remember wanting so desperately to hold on to the image I had of us. Believing that if I could just show him how completely committed I was to him, he would never hurt me again. I didn't find SI until a year after D-day and in that time I became a master of the Pick Me dance. I learned to rug sweep like a master and suppress my feelings with Prozac and alcohol. And all it did was build resentment. He never got better. I was killing myself for him everyday, so why the f*** could he not just get better?!?! Don't get me wrong, he stopped the behavior I originally caught. He just found other ways. Other things. My resentment eventually exploded in a violent rage, and I became this thing I didn't even recognize.

Things didn't get better until I turned inward. Did the 180. Decided that it was time for me to help myself. And at some point I remembered to love myself. I found my righteous indignation. I did not deserve to be treated that way and I wasn't going to tolerated it for one second longer. You need 'time to think'? You can do that on your own! I won't accept less than complete commitment. You 'don't want to talk about it'? Too bad, i do. You want me to 'just try and move on'? Well, we've tried that and look where it got us. You have lost the right to have ANY input into what I need.

And when I did that, things did get better. He finally decided he needed to address himself. To figure out what was so broken inside him that he did these things. And we are doing good right now, moving towards reconciliation.

I know you love her, but you can't do the work for her. You need to take care of yourself. Stay strong! This is the greatest trauma you will probably ever experience, but you can get through it.

Not typically a good flyer. It I literally just thought that I didn't care if the plane crashed.

Woof. That's not me. I'm happy and hopeful and optimistic.

You can fight, do the pick me dance, whatever but it won't make your wife be faithful, love you, stop lying, etc.

She is broken, you can't fix her, only she can do that. In a way, you are enabling her and she can't see the need to try and fix herself. You are letting her live in la la land, she has no reason to try to fix things.

If you follow the advice here she might come to her senses, or not. Either way you need to get out of infidelity.

Please tell the AP's wife. She has a right to know. Her husband is putting her and her children at risk.

With all due respect....you're not willing to do a damn thing for your marriage except pretend very hard that you're not being abused

If you WERE fighting you would have exposed, would have 180'd, would have protected your family legally.

But instead you go on and on about how much you love her.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I like you, but in real life this is where a good friend of yours would slap you. You need to break out of this cycle or your marriage (and your own self-worth) is DOOMED

Hi thepainisreal,

I haven't chimed in yet but I feel you so hard.

I did everything wrong, let him lead me to believe (despite ALL the red flags- they lived together for a whole week on the guise of being a close friend) that it was an emotional affair (which he didn't disclose, but what bff sends her 'bestie' boudoir photos?) but that he never went physical. Just took it too far emotionally.

She sent him an email that disclosed the fact they'd slept together.

Despite all the red flags, everything that made sense, all my friends telling me I was delusional, I NEVER IMAGINED they'd actually sleep together. I was his one and only!

We are 7 months post DDay. The first 6 months were false R. What does that mean? I didn't kick him out, he didn't give me the benefit of proving to me that he was a good partner, despite the fact he was no longer cheating.

And what I realized at DDay was that all my caring, all my love, all my generosity and trust... it was for naught. My love wasn't enough to keep him from completely annihilating my heart.

And I'll tell you, the mind movies, the neverending thoughts... how fair is it that you have to forgive and forget, when YOU CAN'T FORGET? How can you forget this? And you'll need therapy, but SHE is the one that caused the pain. She is the one that hurt. Why does she not have to do anything to change?

It's not right.

In the end I left him, because he wasn't putting in any work to be a better partner, a helping partner in this mess. And at week three he got it to an extent, and the humility exploded. I moved back at week 5. It's not perfect by any means right now, but he's putting in the work now. I really didn't want to leave, but I realized as many of these veterans will say that you sometimes need to risk the marriage to save it.

Please read books, take care of yourself. You need to. Focus on YOU, not the marriage. If you help yourself, it will better everything.

What learned is chick dig confident guy and the only way to have a true R is when the wayward has to chase the detrayed.

It's been my experience that once my old lady had to fight for me to keep her around I was better off.

It's hard to let someone you love go, but it's well worth it in my case. Most cases find that the wayward is to phucking gone to have a true R.

I'm not sure what case you fall under, but I do see in your theard that your old lady can either take you or leave you.

Until she start chasing you.....you can forget about it...you have to "just let her go"!

Who knows...you might get lucky and she chases you and she might be the one who gets the gift you have to offer?

Chicks dig confident guys!

Not typically a good flyer. It I literally just thought that I didn't care if the plane crashed.

Woof. That's not me. I'm happy and hopeful and optimistic.

Wow. I could have written this exact line one year ago.

We took a flight shortly after dday too, and for the first time ever on a plane, it didn't matter to me if we made it to our destination or not.

It is the numbness that arrives after dealing with so much emotional trauma.

One key difference in our story, my wife was extremely remorseful for her poor choices and she was the one fighting to save our marriage.

I know the SI advice that sounds the toughest is still some of the best advice I got - I had to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Your wife did horribly wrong and now understands she has the upper hand. Because she has no motivation to get off that fence she is sitting on, trying to decide what she wants out of this.

You have to detach enough to show her the door, unless she is willing to PROVE she can be a safe partner for you.

It is true, sometimes showing her the door is the end. But if she is someone worthy of your love, she will wake up and start working on herself and then the marriage.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 12:13 PM, July 15th (Saturday)]