SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lost,

I am starting to see anger in your post, ironically this is good; channel it.

You need to dump the allusion that you are currently talking to your W, this is another person right now. She is a WW.

Believe nothing she says without verification. This is important.

Remember for her to cheat, she had to lie to you. So all trust in the M is broken.

If you have talked SIL, did she verify she was with her sister 100% of the time. I doubt it. Speak to her husband if you have to, did his wife come home or was she at the hotel all the time?

WW always initially agree to the Poly., it's a bluff.

Research Polygraphs in your area. Limit it to 4 simple questions. Then make an appt. The day of tell your wife she is going to be polygraphed.

Tell her you want to believe her, but because of her past behavior, you need for her to do this to rebuild the M on a foundation of trust.

If and BIG if she is telling the truth, she will want to do it. Most likely she will get perturbed about going. Lash out at you for not "trusting" her.

You will need to be firm no begging, NO BLUFFING. This is a make or break. Most likely she will give you more "Truth", don't back down.

Do you poly. When she knows she is trapped, she will do more TT, Do the poly. anyway.

There's the inkling of what you need. I think you're starting to see straight.

You do NOT currently have a remorseful wife.

Until she realizes the ramifications of what she has done and that the AP is a POS that is helping her destroy all she holds or should hold dear then your M is in grave trouble.

Only way to truly save it is to show her the life she will have with him.

Friend, I've said this before. But if it were me I would kick her out of the house and tell her to go be with the POS loverboy. I'd tell her the only thing you will discuss with her is money and kids. I'd tell her that when we get back home I'll be talking to a lawyer.

If she'd just be pining away for him when she is with me then I wouldn't want her around. I'm not anyone's runner-up. And if she is forced to him then she'll finally find out that real life with him is no bed of roses. When that happens then I would make her work super hard to ever get back with me. As was said, You are the prize.

I previously in your thread told you the behaviors of a truly remorseful WS. Until you see those characteristics out of her R will never happen. Any decision she makes to stay without remorse would be just to placate you and continue to live her life loving 2 men. That's not something I could live with.

I swore I did fine and get him to confess to all the truth about the A on the 2nd day. Last month he confessed there were still secrets.

They ALWAYS keep secrets, rational or not. Until you know it all, they're not in R.

You KNOW you deserve more. Demand it!

I really can't say thanks enough. Every time I come here I feel like I'm talking to my friends.

Been busy all day haven't had much time to discuss anything bur it's sad becuase it seems like a totally normal day.

No sex on the trip which is uncharacteristic. With 3 small kids, when we are out of town, it's typically standard.

Today is the 10 year anniversary of her father passing away, so I'm also contending with that, so who knows where her head is.

Thanks again everyone.

We are your friends. You are a nice person.

Your friends are telling you she is still cheating until you've spoke to her boyfriends wife.

Do you care?

[This message edited by Sharkman at 2:29 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

Of course I care. And I appreciate the advice very very much.

Trying to get through a day at a time.

Then, respectfully, you need to stop using terms like 'taking it one day at a time' (which loosely translates to 'I did nothing')

We want you to protect yourself. We want you to be in a position to save your marriage if you so choose. We want you to be happy.

You can do none of those things if you continue to make excuses why you shouldn't take steps to do any of those things.

We are nice people but sometimes nice people need to get serious and stern.

Honestly though it's your timeline. Just make sure to value yourself more and your needs.

we are in a beautiful city. Had a nice time last night. Had a lovely morning.

She asked if I wanted to go somewhere with our travel companions and I said not really. I'd rather just Han out with you. Then the pussy inside me said because I feel like it might be one of the last times we hang out.

She said nothing. Not a word.

It felt like she twisted the knife a full 360.

I explained a few minutes later that when I seem quiet or distant it's not that I'm mad, sad or grumpy, it's that I'm a guy holding on by a thread waiting for a tiny bone of hope. Like, "things are fuck up right now, but we will be ok."

I asked if she understood and she said yes. And not another word.

Another 360.

(The entire SI community then let out a collective shout of, "of course, dumb ass."

[This message edited by thepainisreal at 10:48 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

Well she just informed me that she is going to go to a counselor.

That's positive, I suppose.

That's so cold. Are you starting to think she is just done, wants out but just doesn't know how to do it? Maybe she's just hanging on to the dirty knowledge of what she really did with him and can't bring herself to open up. It seems her attitude really took a strong turn when you found out about the hotel. More than likely, that gets you just a step away from knowing the real truth, and she wants no part of that.

I'm so sorry, man. I know nothing I'm saying helps at all.

All you are doing is attempting to prod her into reconciliation.

Brother, you cannot push a rope. In another two months, when you realize that you are in false reconciliation, she will tell you that you pressured her to reconcile.

You know what the really jacked up thing is about that statement would be? She would be right.

Let it go. Let is ALL go.

There are two types of people in life. There are those that insist on a specific outcome and will do anything necessary to achieve said outcome. Then there are those that live by principles and let the outcome take care of itself.

The former are people who end up miserable, controlling, manipulative individuals because the end justify the means. The latter are able to not only make decisions based on what matters most (principles), but are also able to look themselves in the mirror because they did not compromise who they are to achieve what they wanted.

So, over and over again, you know what the collective response will be from this forum. That tells me you know you are screwing up. You are exactly where you are because you are choosing to be. You. Nobody else.

Yes, she victimized you. However, you have options to eliminate her victimization of you. you just refuse to take those steps.

In a twisted sense, you are waiting on her to say "yes", and in essence save you. Or more starkly, you are a drowning man, looking for a wheelchair-bound person to pull you from the water.

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, that will change.

She is convinced that you are going nowhere.

Your pain is inconsequential.

Your need for reassurance is just irritating the crap out of her and frankly a buzzkill for her vacation.

So, no more “just the two of you” this holiday. No more attempts at having a meaningful talk. Save your breath and your strength and guard your heart.

She loves this pick-me dance. She finds it really satisfying.

Hard as it seems, you must step away from the dance. You must limit her opportunities to hurt you. You must not engage with her heartless self. She’s digging the triangulation and it is impossible for you to get personal clarity until you pull yourself out of the dance.

Please know that we all understand your agony. Understand your confusion. Understand the waves of emotions. You’ve been tossed into hell and we are all so sorry.

And for the love of puppies – please please please tell the AP’s wife.

[This message edited by self-rescuer at 12:17 PM, July 17th (Monday)]

Ask her what she's going to go to IC for. Ask her what specifically does she think she needs to work on? By her response you may be able to tell if she's just putting up smoke and mirrors or if she's serious.

In other words... Words are cheap. Action means everything right now. Is she actually going to go or is she blowing smoke up your ass.

yop

I think farside said it best. Let go of the outcome. You cannot control her actions. You can only control your reaction to them. I know you can't stand to see your world fall apart. Believe me, I know. But any idea of R must originate from your WW. And she simply isn't there.

Hard 180.

[This message edited by squid at 12:18 PM, July 17th, 2017 (Monday)]

I'm not a weak person. This is humiliating.

I know you all are right. I find myself saying the most cliche things like, you don't know her, that's not how she is, our marriage was dofferent, special etc.

Still gotta tell you this fucking sucks. No it's ands or buts.

I still don't understand why I am the one trying to prove something to her when I did nothing!

I never thought I'd be in a position like this. Of course none of us did. But here we are.

I suppose I'm choosing to be here. I'm facilitating the treatment. Many of you have nailed it. I am allowing it to happen.

Did I say I love he and would do anything to keep her. Shit.

you have to be a man a put your foot down your wife and women in general hate weak men.

LOL yes admittedly you definitely are filling up your card on 'things bestrayed spouses do wrong' bingo :)

But that's why we are here. We made many many mistakes too and are here to give back. There would be no website here if everyone knew everything to do the instant of betrayal.

It indeed sucks. What I found out is when I was willing to chuck it all , it was then she snapped out of it . Three weeks of doing the pickme dance and finally realized I was the prize , not her , things turned around. But I was willing to chuck the whole thing first. I would have rather blown it all up than to tolerate an unremorseful cheater who didn't know what they wanted. I would have chosen to be single again if I had to.

It took a lot to get there, I mean it's a bold move , but one that is necessary . We hesitate because we are afraid it will destroy any hope of working it out, but the reality is if that's the case the marriage is already dead anyways . We were just living with its corpse.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:30 PM, July 17th (Monday)]

Sittin on the plane on the way "home." First class of course. She's reading a book and has her leg across my lap so I can rub it. It's a thing we do. There are glimpses of there being nothing wrong.

Before we took off, Someone behind us said they were on their way back from someplace. The same someplace that i had been thinking of going for my birthday that is coming up. I asked if she wanted to go to this place and she immediately asked why I was obsessed about taking about this now and that she didn't know.

Another trip thisncoming weekend that was planned and cannot be avoided, but it will be interesting where my head is by Friday.

Mother of all things holy I love this woman.