SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you love what she represents then you will do what you need to do. If you don't expose, for example, you're not willing to do even the most basic of necessary steps.

So much ugh. I don't want to facilitate anyone's pain.

Don't get me wrong, any more contact that I find out about and I will burn that mother fucker to the ground.

TPIR, I truly feel for you, but not telling the OBS is absolutely tantamount to you hiding their affair!

How is she going to feel when she finds out that you helped keep their little secret?

How would you feel in her shoes? Time to man up.

Start the 180 and do what your wife won't do! Do the right thing!

It doesn't make sense to me that she would leave a good loving marriage for someone who controlled and cheated on her years ago. There must be something more going on here. It's so perplexing but I guess that is the point.

I suggest you read through this entire thread again. It's never too late to start taking control. You have been trying to hand her the gift of instant R and she doesn't appear interested.

If she doesn't think that she'll lose you as a meal ticket or plan B then she'll do whatever she wants.

180 and file for D. It's the only way to show her and really the world that you are a person who has great value and will not be thrown aside. If she lets you go without a fight you'll have gotten your answer anyway.

But you've been told all that before.....

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:00 PM, July 17th (Monday)]

The most interesting thing and something I don't want to skim over is that she doesn't "need" me to live well. She makes a lot of money on her own. Now, she couldn't live as well, but she can very well provide for herself. It's never been a situation of her being kept. She just has had freedom to do whatever she wants with her income, mostly.

Got home from trip, sat on couch like we have 10,000 times before and watched a show that we enjoy. Bottle of wine, legs intwined, like nothing has ever happened.

I cannot express to you how fucked up my existence is. Our youngest heard some commotion and came out to see if we were home. Immediately jumping into my arms and then mommies.

This makes me so sad. How do those that cheat not consider the wake of destruction they leave behind? I absolutely promise I could have strayed hundreds of times. I have had many young ladies show me attention. Vegas, New York, Chicago, San Fran. But I do not have any interest in stepping outside of my marriage.

Why do they do it? Because we "let" them?

the pain,

I've been following your thread and this is my first reply. I'm an old-timer around here - my D-day was more than 15 years ago.

Why do they do it? Because they think they won't get caught.

I urge you to read this book: "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. I think you will find a LOT of clarity and direction in the points made in that book. Basically, he says that when you let these things go, the spouse stops respecting you. THAT is why you have to get tough. What others have been saying when they advise you that you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Please...get that book and read it NOW. I promise it will help you.

Then for some unknown reason I guess she still has feelings for this guy.

I could not stay with someone that is love with someone else. My nature would be to tell her if that is the case then she should go to him and live her life and find her happiness. And that I will be taking the steps necessary to move me out from under her infidelity.

That's what I did 30 yrs ago. You can see from my tagline what happened.

But I am not you. Only you can choose how you are going to live your life.

I previously PM'd you a thread of someone who took control and was able to find a remorseful wife once she was confronted with all she would lose, including him. But there are no guarantees.

I wish you good luck.

Why do they do it?

Because they don't know how to express what they want and live authentically, this is nothing to do with you letting them. I've been where you are now, you are in shock, it's confusing, scary and you don't want it to be happening. I had a 'perfect' marriage too of 21 yrs which was destroyed by H affair 4 months ago. You will get through this in your own way in your own time. I woke up from the fog after 3 1/2 months I see it so clearly, now I'm getting a divorce, it's far from what I wanted in life but I know everything is going to be ok because I have found my strength, you get 1 life this might be a new chapter. have faith that you will know what to do when your head and heart catch up with each other. What we want and what we need are not always the same.

I'm gaining strength. I did nothing wrong.

If we get divorced, it's her fault, not mine. If our kids get hurt, it's her fault not mine.

If his wife finds out, it's their fault, not mine.

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, blah blah mother fucking blah.

I told her to go to him. When I told her to leave, I told her to go to him. When I told her she had to uber, because the cars are mine or she could call him to pick her up, she said there was no way she'd call him. That she won't ever talk to him again.

Do I believe if? Who the fuck cares.

Basically, it's say something, I'm giving up on you.

TPIS:

Rubbing her legs? Putting her on a pedestal still? SMH...

Your wife sees exactly what we are seeing.

You are all talk. She knows it. You know it. We know it.

You are well on your way to a colossal rug sweep.

So will his wife find out from you?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:20 AM, July 18th (Tuesday)]

So much ugh. I don't want to facilitate anyone's pain.

Don't get me wrong, any more contact that I find out about and I will burn that mother fucker to the ground.

1. You are not facilitating anyone's pain. You are saving them

2. They could have sex for the next three years and you'd find an excuse not to do it. No offense.

My theory is that when men come here,see the logic of the responses, read the threads that followed the advice and things worked just like we said they would, read the threads where the advice is not followed and see how things always go down the tubes, those men that decide to beg and plead and promise change etc. anyway, are actually trying to just finish off the marriage. Your actions are very common here. The thing is, those actions always lead to divorce, always. No one on any forum can prove this isn't so. Does our advice always save the marriage? Not by a long shot. 70% of marriages where adultery is caught end up divorced. The thing is ,divorcing a cheater is a win too. If your wife is making love to another man, is she still in love with you? Are you subconsciously wanting to divorce her? Remember actions count, words mean little and your actions and lack of actions are leading you straight to divorce if you look at the thousands of threads here. I hate that you are here but you are avoiding a favorable solution as hard as you can.

I told her to go to him.

You told her this last night? Or was it back on DDay?

I have been following this from your first post last week. I have not said anything to you b/c I had to see if all the 100% accurate advice you are getting here would eventually be followed by you. Sadly, you have not taken one shred of this advice and used it to your advantage.

I say all of this as gently as possible - by this, I mean I don't want you to feel like I am making fun of your feelings, attacking you or belittling you. I do, however, want you to feel like I am slapping you into reality! Everyday that goes by, you are showing your WW that you are getting weaker. You are showing her that SHE is queen and you bow to her. You are showing her that she can do ANYTHING she wants and you will not leave her. As a woman, I tell you to STOP this NOW! Women find absolutely NOTHING attractive about your actions. Your WW is watching you do this dance and she is feeling special, empowered, and disgusted all at the same time. At times while reading your posts I feel like I am in the middle of a bad, yet predictable novel . Please, please, please - WAKE UP!

Start the 180 now, it is not too late. Get her out of the house until she wakes up. If she goes to OM, let her go! Why would you want to stay with her if you are not who she wants? Tell the OBS. How the OBS feels is NOT for YOU to decide! The OBS has every right to know what her cheating POS H is up to! She has the right to find her own happily every after. She has a right to protect her health, her children, her future. You are robbing this woman and her children of their futures. You are helping your WW and the POS OM destroy the OBS and children's lives! Tell her today! Right now! End this shit.

It has been almost a week since you started posting. Get off the dance floor, get your WW off the fence, get the POS OM out of your life. You cannot have a M with 3 (or more) people in it. It takes 2 people committed to each other and their vows to make a M work and thrive.

WE all get it! We all thought we had the perfect, fairy tale life. We all thought "I can't Believe I'm Here" Take control of this, take control of your life. You seem like a decent guy, why stay with someone who doesn't care two cents about you or, for her own kids? Yes, she doesn't care about her own children. Think about that. Her actions tell you that your children's happiness means less to her than her OWN happiness. I hope you get the strength you need to get what you deserve.

And one last time - TELL the OBS!

*edited for clarity

[This message edited by shellbean at 4:43 AM, July 19th (Wednesday)]

Hello again,

Checking in to see if you have made that appointment with an IC yet. IMO it's the single best thing you can do for yourself and children right now. You are badly wounded. Go get that treated.

Ive told her to go to him several times.

i have a question though. If there were a way for me to be certain that she didn't have sex with him, would the advice being given be the same?

that may be nearly impossible to prove with 100% certainty, but i'm curious about the braintrusts thoughts on the matter.

as time passes, im finding clarity. im able to process the things that are happening around me without some of the fog.

i still have those sickening thoughts... i guess my position is that something was going on for months. whether i tell the other wife today or tomorrow or next week doesn't change what happens other than the fact that I cant take it back.

it sounds crazy, but i want to help my wife through this. she is hurting too and i care. yes, she brought the pain on herself, but it doesn't make me care less about her. she hurt me, yes. she potentially destroyed our marriage. she potentially destroyed the image our friends, family and children have of her. she knows all of that and I want to help her. she is in pain and i cant desert her, like she did us.

SI is a tough crown, for sure. despite my lack of adhering to the advice right now, i am taking it in. your posts are helping me through this. i cant imagine what a mess i would be without this site. i listen to and process every post.

this is such an unknown area to me. ive never been in, nor did i think id ever be in a position like this. i do not know what to do nor do i know what is right for me and my family.

i know that i love my wife and will do anything i can to make this work. if i cannot make it work, then at least i can know i tried.

BUT, in the end, whatever that may be, i know that each of you will have been spot on.

T-pain

Others will Chime in but my thought is you have not been able to even help yourself yet, how can you really help her.

It's the old "put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others" ....

You need to find an IC that specializes in infidelity. You need to find one for you this week. Then yes, if your WW wants help with finding one for her, you can help her find one as well.

No MC right now, just IC to get your heads on straight. Then MC later.

But if she is going to continue talking to the AP, then there is not much you can do.

At this point in the little glimpses you give us, it seems that she isn't even communicating with you. So it's hard to help anyone that really won't even talk about the A.

Finally, yes, if there was no physical contact (which I highly doubt) I would still give the same advice. Because it's what is in her head that counts. If she's in love with her Ex, then there is not much YOU can do to undo that except to push her out the door and let her see what life with him is really like.

She may be able to work through these feelings in IC, but you can't help her do that except to help her set up IC sessions. Other than that she needs to do the hard work there.

Reading and doing the 180 is to help you get back on your legs. I think we all suggest you start using it.

If there were a way for me to be certain that she didn't have sex with him...

But there is no way to be certain. The advice given is based on the fact that you have no way to be sure.

i know that i love my wife and will do anything i can to make this work. if i cannot make it work, then at least i can know i tried.

Again, respectfully, you're doing absolutely nothing to fix this. You just keep saying how much you love her.