SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I believe your WW is choosing option 3 from Linda MacDonald's book:

3. Stay but make no effort to save the marriage.

This decision leads to failure by default. When betrayers follow up their affairs with passive inaction, it sends a message to the spouse: “Not only are you not worthy of my loyalty and protection, you are not worth the ground I walk on.” This approach tends to lead to a very acrimonious divorce and aftermath. It may even force your spouse to initiate the divorce, when in reality, you were the one to “kill it.” I call

this “The Negligent Homicide Option.”

yop

Of course. I wouldn't tell her about SI. I just wish she could understand how fortunate she is that Im not doing what every one of you is screaming at me to do!

I would love for her to read this thread.

I know you are joking, but my God! . Tell her about your safe space?...I see no real sense of self preservation in you Crap.

I feel for you. Even more for your kids, who rely on you.

Being cheated on is so very, very hard to face and accept. It hurts like nothing else. I don't see much evidence that you are processing any of this effectively enough to make reasonable decisions at this point. We are debating points that are all too obvious. Yes you would like to believe that, deep down, you still matter to her almost as much as she does to you, and if somehow she could just see and understand...

Please, PLEASE go see an IC!

What could it hurt?

there is less than zero chance i would bring her here.

If you have her password to her lets say gmail, mail address?. Then here is what you can do. Download thunderbird email client.Search on google.

Install the email client according to instructions.

And then just follow the instruction on how to its

quite easy.. Or if you have windows 10 you can use

outlook, client much easier.. MAKE DAMN SURE YOUR WIFE is not any way near or close..

When you are done just press update emails..And as

a bare minimum you should have at least 30 days worth of email´s..Because Google saves email´s on there servers for a minimum period of 30 days..

Just don't be surprised if you would get most of all email.. When i did this for personal reasons

I got the bulk of the all my mails from 2007

But makes sure you got plenty of time to do this..

And one more thing..Be extremely careful when you read her mails...You cant "unread them"

So please make sure you have at least 2h of free time alone.Good luck

Ps any other email provider work´s to..

I don't know man. You ask for advice, you say you need the truth. Lots of people take a lot of time to advise you. You say you read the advice, but nothing seems to stick. What exactly are you looking for here?

If you just want to vent that's ok. But if you want the truth from your wife, if you want to be treated like a man, we've given you strategies for 13 pages. Yet you seem to ignore solid ideas.

Really, there are only a few tried and true things you can do. They are all on this thread. Take the advice or not. But there has to be a better way than alternately complaining about the way she treats you followed by throwing up obstacles and defending your untenable position. Surely you can see that.

Just saying.

Assume by she really wants to stay married, she is definitely not fortunate that you do not follow the advise. What you are doing will let the marriage dissolve. That's in no ones interest. Just because she doesn't think you can handle the truth doesn't mean she wants out. What's going on here is neither of you are willing to lead.

yop's excerpt from Linda MacDonald's book was spot-on. You are analyzing and agonizing over her destructive actions. You are suffering, unable to focus on work. You are struggling each minute of each day and worried about the future.

In the meantime she does absolutely nothing. No effort. None. Hell, she finds it inconvenient to reassure you.

Again I must ask, why is this acceptable?

Your screen name could not be more accurate. The Pain is Real. Time for your wife to acknowledge this truth.

I'm sorry you are in pain. Please keep in mind that everyone of us have been in your shoes . We all reacted differently and collectively there is a ton of experience . Things we did right after dday, things we did wrong. The hardest thing for me to do was actually act on what I thought was the best thing to do. What I learned was doing nothing is the worst plan . Please listen to everyone here and start executing a plan to get out of infidelity.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:31 AM, July 19th (Wednesday)]

i really do appreciate all of the posts. im still here. im still trying to gain strength. to do what? i dont know.

im trying to see what my wife does. i want to see what actions she takes.

so far, not much of anything. we are catholic (no religious talk, just more background) and she went to confession yesterday. i was hoping she would feel some relief and we could talk but she didnt. she said that she really felt no different after going. im not sure what that means.

she has also called an IC.

Guys, Im trying here. it doesnt seem like im doing anything, but i feel like I am internally. certainly, at some point, Ill have to do something externally, but im not ready yet.

i still cant believe this is happening. i cant believe this happened. had i been told that i had a month to live at a routine check up, i wouldnt be more surprised than i am at this. in all actuality, i feel like thats the case.

I would guess that she is not going anywhere anytime soon from the look of it... it appears she happy just to have control of her bad situation by knowing she is in charge, by keeping up her pressure on you, from picking up on your desperation not to loose her.

But again, that is a guess and hard to fully know without being there, and knowing or seeing you, her or the AP.

We know from what you said that she is an 11 out of 10. We know that you are both well off. At this point in your life - do you feel on a scale of one thru ten, that you are compatible with her? We know the AP is older... Just trying to figure out why she seems to have the upper hand in this situation. This is where the book, Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay would help you put this in perspective... Sorry to be so blunt...

[This message edited by downintx at 9:59 AM, July 19th (Wednesday)]

im not sure what that means.

Hmm. We share the same faith -- and well, my wife going to confession was THE turning point for her. The first time she had to face her poor choices and it was a crushing moment for her to realize how wrong she was.

Yeah, that is an odd reaction from your wife.

My first instinct to this is your wife is still in full denial mode -- maybe not even 'done' with the infidelity.

Sending strength.

Hi pain, thanks for posting on my thread. I just read your initial post and will read through the rest in several days when back from family vacay. Stay strong. You have my deepest sympathies. Our situations will both improve. Be the adult for your children. Your life will be good again. Wading through this turmoil is a difficult path, but you will get through it. You will be a stronger person when you emerge on the other side.

TPIR, based on your latest post I believe you are still in denial. That is certainly understandable given that you are grieving the death of what you thought you had and the 5 stages of grief. However, an inability to move past denial is not helpful and may actually be harmful in the long term. Consequently, you need to think about how you can move past denial. How do you prove that your W did/didn't have an affair? You've received several excellent suggestions (VAR, Dr Fone, PI, etc.), yet don't appear to be taking any steps to find out what was/is going on. Re-read this thread from the beginning and start acting on some of the suggestion to get the truth sooner than later. Your current course of action will only prolong your pain.

i have searched everything i can. i have uncovered all that i can.

i havent contacted his wife.

i cannot sleep, i cannot work. i am in full crisis mode and it honestly only seems to be getting worse. ive reached out to 2 ICs and the assholes havent called me back.

one of the reasons may be that 2 of my kids are at summer camp and i havent seen them in weeks. they come home soon. i cant go in their rooms. the last time i went in the eldest's room, i cried as hard as i ever remember and held a pillow like it was my child.

guys im not doing well. i know i have to do something to come out of this. i have read the 180 no less than 10 times.

this is not me, i am not weak. she is the love of my life and i am quite simply devastated. i cant express how much she means to me, how much my family means to me.

the funny thing is that many dont realize these feelings until its too late, but i did. this is how she and i were. we hugged for no reason. we had great times together. more fun than ive ever had with another person in my life. she is my true love.

i know that this thread will stay alive for a very long time, probably as an example of exactly what not to do.

God this sucks so bad.

You've received several excellent suggestions (VAR, Dr Fone, PI, etc.)

what is VAR. drfone yields nothing.

Voice Activated Recorder.

You've *read* the 180, have you implemented it?

VAR is voice activated recording. I never used one, but someone will chime in with what to get and where to get it. Fairly cheap I think. The idea is that you stash it in the car or someplace that you think she talks on the phone to OM.

im trying to see what my wife does. i want to see what actions she takes

I understand this. You want her to do it on her own. You want some sign that she really loves you. You want her to be so affected by your suffering that she must take action.

But again, that is codependent. Your suffering in silence is not an act of love, it is an act of self harm. She will NOT change her behavior on her own. You are allowing her to make all the decision when she has proven that she makes crap decisions. The only person you're hurting here is yourself. Please take control of the situation before it destroys you.