SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You must do that which works the best for you. You make your own decisions. I have two quotes for you.

"A man (or woman)deserves a second chance, but keep an eye on him (or her)."

----------John Wayne---------

"Forgive your enemies but never forget their names." -------John F. Kennedy------

Your wife and her ex falls somewhere in these.

This is my fear for you and how you're choosing to proceed.

You are still frantic to have your old life back and you have doubled down to recapture the pre-affair days. All your energy is focused on getting back to "normal". As I have stated before, we all remember that urgency. We all remember that desperate longing for this to have all been a blip (as you describe the cheating).

So now your wife is giving you some reassurance, although sprinkled with the occasional threat if you don't keep her secret, and you feel relieved.

Know that this relief will be temporary. There are many emotional stages you have yet to experience. And, because you still don't have the whole story, these emotional stages will be more and more difficult to deny and ignore.

Here's the truth. Many of us want reconciliation above anything else - that is until the shock and the disbelief and reeling agony start to dissipate. But once those emotions clear some of us discover that cheating it a dealbreaker.

I realize that is not your current belief. But I think you are doing yourself a great disservice by not allowing that there are many things about your wife's affair that you do not know and that blindly jumping into this shadowy reconciliation is not the best option.

You need to be proactive and do some things to strengthen yourself. I applaud that you are in IC (hope he/she is familiar with infidelity and guiding your appropriately). But you also need activities that focus on you, you and your kids. You need time that is carved out for you to gain personal clarity. Not every minute should be designated to fixing your marriage. I say all this with confidence because you are doing all the heavy lifting. Hell, your wife doesn't even want you to bring her cheating up in conversation. That alone demonstrates its about her comfort and not about your healing.

So, I guess what I am saying is that you must leave room to change your mind about all of this. We know that you plan on scorch earthing should she do this again. But TPain, isn't the fallout from this first time brutal enough to have some consequences?

I understand how u feel about exposing ur wife. I too have decided not to expose my WH. Saying it out loud....admitting it to others makes the humiliation worse then suffering in silence. I totally get it. I stay cuz I love him like no other and want to give this every chance. We like y'all are doing well financially. All the proper agreements in place that i can split at anytime.

I get it.

First of all I am in a different position now then I was a few years ago on my very first DDay when WH had an affair which he says was only EA not PA, with one of his Married High School Friends.

Let me share a little bit of my experience when it happened to me I was completely devastated, my WH was a great loving person, he loved me & our Boys, he told me he loved me and showed me everyday that he did. That did not stop when the affair was going on he was probably even extra loving so I wouldn't notice.

The day I found all the phone calls this "EA" had been going on for almost 2 months and the Girl had actually separated a couple weeks before from her Husband! I guess to be more comfortable having an affair with mines and not have her Husband in the way, it's like she actually thought he would leave us for her I was so blind sided I could have never imagined that he would do this, I trusted him blindly because he made me feel like I was the best thing in the world for him.

I really didn't know what to do, I got so mad I exposed him to his Family and mine, and I looked for the Girl and confronted her but by then She was separated so she said ahe had no "Man"... I could punch her for that because I knew why she didn't have one because she was having an A with mine!!

I wish I knew who her BS was back then I would have totally told him, no one deserves to go through that pain alone and you shouldn't have to!! I now know who he is because of Facebook and ofcourse they got together again after their A got exposed because now she didn't have my WH there to be with

I suffered and rug swept and tried to move on without ever throwing it in his face and that was one of the worst things I could have done because I never really healed, I hated what he did and hated her for doing this together with him and not caring about my Kids or me. I didn't deserve it, I was a caring loving Wife who made sure my WH was always taken care of, he never did anything at home I did it all served him like a King and that was not good enough.

If you rug sweep and let her get away with this you might feel like me for a while that we came out stronger from this that we actually "made it" through such a hard phase but when and I am saying WHEN the next Dday happens because it will!! Just because we rug swept and let them get away with things because we wanted our normal happy lives back so much...You will be completely devastated and they will learn how to manipulate you more because they will see we still are afraid of losing them and our Family.. I am going through Emotionless Affair issues now with him and let me tell you this SUCKS!! I wish I would have done things different back then and really showed him I had zero tolerance for cheating but i didn't and now further down the road and with a lot more Kids to think of it's so much harder and devastating.

If you rug sweep she will do it again down the road, don't let this happen to you, you seem like a good Man she needs to understand your worth and her trying to avoid it like my WH does even now is terrible, you think you can get through it. Ut you will never be completely back at where you were before this, never again I never was and that is how I caught up this time because I never really trusted again, because I never healed or held him accountable for hurting me I just wanted it all to go away and if I didn't talk about it, it would go awY but it NEVER did, I just saw this Girl at Target a couple weeks ago and even though its been 8 years I was so upset, trembling and it ruined my Day..

There are 2 things I regret is not letting her BS know, andbthe rug sweeping I did for my own happiness

The thing is, everyone on this forum understands why you don't want to tell her husband. Everyone gets it. But, you are on a forum full if people who have been here for years, trying to help betrayed spouses get through this as painlessly as possible. They know the best strategy for doing just that. And the overwhelming advice is to inform the OBS. For so many really good reasons. The top two being it will help protect your marriage, and because the OBS deserves to know. You have the right to ignore what people are telling you. But you're setting yourself up for failure.

"I understand that there is a lot of anger towards the affair person, but let's lay blame and accountability where blame should be, on the WS.

Redfury, you know nothing about my situation, so that comment was unwarranted about living in infidelity. I see you are rather new to the DDay, so you appear very angry and imo have a lot to learn. I'm almost 5 years out. "

Crushednheartbroken, I could not disagree with your opinion more.

You have TWO people who did you wrong and violated your marriage. I don't buy into that often regurgitated opinion on this site that your ONLY focus should be on your spouse. The other person did you and your family wrong, as well. There is plenty enough shit sandwich to serve two, and they both deserve to eat it!

I also feel you have a moral obligation to tell the OBS for health reasons. It's quite simple and cut and dried really. It's the right thing to do. You have information that might affect the other person's health is a negative, serious way. It is your moral obligation to share that information with them. After that, my obligation is ended. They can ignore it or act on it, no concern of mine.

And I'm FIFTEEN years out, happily reconciled and so over any investment in the OW.

Taking all emotion out of it, it is the right thing to do...simple.

[This message edited by otter at 1:00 AM, July 30th (Sunday)]

for anyone that is interested, im still kicking.

this is hard as fuck. there are so many triggers, its stupid. im trying, shes trying.

we are both in IC which is helping. she STILL wont talk about it when i want to and i still lob digs about it. im trying not to, but its tough. i still havent told the wife and at this point dont think i will unless things head south.

she has openly said that she feels so stupid for having done it and she doesnt know what she did or what she was expecting, then she clams up.

the past week has been even better than ever, sans my chewing a shit sandwich, which i hate. not sure i will ever get past it, but im trying!

all of your words still resonate with me and give me strength, despite my going my own way.

yippee.

thepainisreal,

I am sorry. It is hard.

You are NOT stupid. You are loving and caring.

One day at a time.

Look for actions NOT words.

Keep posting and know we understand.

(((hugs)))

Thanks for checking in. You are deeply cared for and updates are appreciated.

Good to "see" you tpain.

You've been heard. Keep posting as you need to.

How is IC going for you?

she STILL wont talk about it when i want to and i still lob digs about it. im trying not to, but its tough.

Have you looked into getting your WW How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J MacDonald? This should be your WW's new "bible". You can even get a free download of the .pdf if you search for it. It would explain a lot of things including why you need to talk about the A in order to heal. At the very least give it a read for yourself and see what you think.

Have you turned to her and asked her to talk about the A? Have you explained to her why you need to talk about it?

At the very least, you need to focus on you a bit and start your healing process.

"Have you let go of the outcome yet"

PITA

I found the PDF and downloaded it. Thanks. I'm sending excerpts to her via text. She's reading them. She hasn't commented.

I sent her this today: "I hate that he knows what you look like. How your face has aged. What your hair looks like and how long it is. What your voice sounds like. The words you use now that you didn't use then, your mannerisms. How you've grown and matured and how you have changed/evolved after being with me for 15 years and having kids. You were so young then. Not even half the woman you are now. We have grown so much and changed together. It's not fair that he got to experience you at this point in our lives."

Waywards just don't get the damage they do. The wake is huge.

Has your WW even admitted to anything? I've lost track.

pulling for you TPain. Keep us posted.

she has admitted to "everything" but having sex with him. of course the 80% of the things she has admitted to are things that i can absolutely prove. keep in in mind that in the beginning, despite i had her dead to rights, she denied, denied, denied.

she adamantly denies it. ive told her i dont care. ive told her the only way we can go forward is total truth. she maintains that she didnt.

shes said she would submit for std testing and/or take a polygraph. has anyone here actually followed through with having your wayward take a lie detector test? im curious what it entails and if its like it is on tv.

I can't speak to the poly process...but you sure as hell should follow through and make it happen...the last thing you want to do is "bluff".

You can reconcile if you are apt to dog her or question her at any time. Yes, should answer questions honestly and quickly. However, you need to keep track of your doubts and have a sit down once a week or something at regular intervals.

This will fall apart if she has to be constantly on guard or fear another verbal attack. You're the one that picked the just get over it route.

Regarding, the poly and your attitude. If you want the truth or you want her to prove it just set it up and quit falling into analysis paralysis. Find out who local law enforcement uses and talk to them. Get it done and move on.

The reason she did this was simple. It's not unusual at all for someone to wonder if they made a mistake in the past and try a redo. It's wrong but history almost always look better in hindsight. He's obviously trash or he would not have cheated.

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and see how you measure up based on physical and emotional criteria. Modern thought tends toward artificial ideals as opposed to natural law.

No experience with polygraphs here, but I have read many a post on this forum and others where parking lot confessions have occurred, and truth does come out, one way or another.

I agree, you are suffering from analysis paralysis. I believe in your situation a polygraph is the way to go. Don't let her volunteering to take one dissuade you lull you into taking her word. Her word means zilch. Talkwith your local law enforcement and find a reputable person then simply take her one day and see what happens. I would also like to know what her definition of sex is. Is it the "Clinton definition" where only intercourse is considered sex?

I still believe the other betrayed spouse needs to know regardless if your WW threatens you with divorce. It is selfish not to tell her. If your wife fails the polygraph will you still be selfish? I know it's hard you don't want to rock the boat, but your WW has already capsized it.

I hope your wife is in the minority and is actually telling you the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Honestly I doubt it as does everyone else who has lived through it.

Set up the polygraph and as the condemned says to the hangman, let's get this over with.

Best wishes

My fwh took the poly. It was easy. Stressful, but ultimately easy. We had a great technician that helped us at each step. We got to our "Ground Zero" and our healing began. It was the best thing we could have done. I cannot recommend it enough! It made all the difference in our reconciliation. My brain could finally stop spinning.

There have been many here that have gone through with getting a lie detector test. From what I understand it's not like it is on tv. It's not necessarily going to get you the point blank truth. Using NotPerfect5 as an example, what a poly can get you is whether or not your WW is being deceitful or not in her responses. NP5's WW showed that she was deceitful in all of her responses. She broke down after the test and finally confessed after the test (not in the parking lot). The deceit in her responses was pretty evident and could not be hidden.

Also, what a poly can possibly give you is peace of mind. If she comes out passing and not showing deceit, then you may have better peace of mind that she is telling the truth. It could also go the other way and justify what your guy is telling you in that she's lying.

An STD test is really a no brainer. Doesn't prove if she's lying or not. Just proves if she has an STD or not and if she's safe to have sex with.

Have you spoken to her how these things could give you peace of mind and more importantly, go towards her re-building trust with her?

yop