SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

T-Pain, I believe you're a smart man. So, you must understand that your wife is threatening you into complacency. That is abuse. IF you tell the OBS then your wife will D you? Wow. That's not love and it will seep through into the folds of your marriage.

Like yop, I am also a BC (betrayed child). My parents stayed together because my father privately threatened my mother, the cheater, that if she tried to leave, he would prevent her from seeing my brother and me ever again. Their marriage was RUINED the moment my mom stepped out on him. It was NEVER the same. I grew up in a loveless war zone. The tension was everywhere. The resentment built and built each day.

Somehow, in my own marriage, I became the BW. Let me tell you something. I was 30 years old. I had been with my xwh for 10 years. His deceit and lying prevented me from making the necessary decisions for MY life and well being. If it had not been for the OBS to contact me and share what he knew, I might still be living that same life. It would have been possible for my xwh to hide it all, actually. The A activities always happened where he worked and that was not in the same town where we lived; quite a commute. My REAL life began the day that the OBS let me know.

And you know what my parents' marriage taught me? Watching my parents live a life together fraught with resentment, betrayal, trauma-aftermath, suspicion, shame, moments of happiness cut short by a trigger to remember the past (they have always been in these cycles where everything seems fine for a few days or a couple of weeks and then BAM, it all comes up again) was my lesson that it was the last kind of marriage I wanted to have. And I made my xwh leave. And I filed first. I learned what NOT to do.

You might sweep it under the rug, but the dirt is still there. And your kids are going to breathe it in everyday. They'll either learn to think it's normal or figure out it's the antithesis of what they want for themselves.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 6:14 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

HI T-Pain

What JellyGirl said.

If you know my story you will know why I have such a strongly held view that you have a MORAL OBLIGATION to inform the OBS. I cannot put it more strongly than that.

Right now your WW is getting you to play the wayward game. How can you every be proud of that. How can you ever live with yourself being that?

I tried to make every excuse in the book not to inform OBS. I bought my own excuses and lies. The good folk of SI called me out and at last I was man enough to do the right thing.

Man up man! and do the right thing.

And by the way. Since separation, my kids are the happiest that they have been in over a year. Not sure why so many of us buy into the lie that staying in a dead marriage (remember our WW's murdered our marriages) is in their best interest?

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 7:36 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

"I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage as long as it doesn't make my boyfriend mad at me"

Does that sound like decent logic?

maybe i am not articulating clearly enough.

i give zero fucks about the guy. zero. if he caught on fire in front of me, i wouldnt piss on him to put him out.

i have not decided to tell his wife because i dont want to destroy her. yes, it is his doing.

i am confident that my wife didnt have sex with him. even if, my wife doesnt have any stds to give him, so im not concerned that she could pass something to him and him to his wife.

all i see is bad. hurt wife, hurt kids. its not my jam. telling her feels vindictive. im not vindictive. yet.

we are a couple days into this. we are trying to avoid talking about it as much as i can. i still hurt and i still think about it often.

she has a gps device on her person at all times. i have access to her email and phone at all times. she isnt going anywhere outside of the house other than work without me.

i have been clear that any sign of infidelity and shit storm gets released.

i know most of you think that i have swept all of this and that my wife is completely dominating me, but that isnt entirely true. she is exhibiting remorse and contrition.

she told me the other night that she doesnt want to talk about it because she doenst want to be reminded of what she did to me. she doesnt want to know that i am thinking about it all the time.

things are going well. today. and 1 day at a time is what im interested in right now. if i can string together enough good days, then weeks, then months, this will end up nothing but a blip.

i continue to love my wife more than anything in the world and i will forever. unless she hurts me again.

i give zero fucks about the guy. zero. if he caught on fire in front of me, i wouldnt piss on him to put him out.

You don't expose for revenge. You expose to ensure that your wife, who has or is having an affair with him, is given another obstacle to overcome in order to re-start or continue their affair. There are other reasons (ethical, medical) that have been covered sufficiently.

we are a couple days into this. [b]we are trying to avoid talking about it as much as i can.[/b] i still hurt and i still think about it often.

You have chosen to rug sweep her affair. Deciding to not expose is a (large) component of this. Here is my challenge - go through this entire website and list of the successful recoveries which have been rug swept rather than addresses.

i have been clear that any sign of infidelity and shit storm gets released.

You're not even exposing the affair. Rest assured there is no shit storm to follow, and she knows and is banking on this. For most people "signs of infidelity and shit storm gets released" is implicit with marriage vows. Is this not the case with you?

she is exhibiting remorse and contrition.

We don't want to hear about her words. What has she *done* to not only exhibit remorse but to fix herself to be a safe partner to you. Threatening to divorce you if you take (very reasonable) steps to make this a safe relationship sounds like abuse to me. It does not sounds like anything even close to remorse. It's the polar opposite. Like black and white. Sour and sweet. Hard and soft.

she told me the other night that she doesnt want to talk about it because she doenst want to be reminded of what she did to me. she doesnt want to know that i am thinking about it all the time.

This is called rug sweeping. You said you were not rug sweeping then follow up with literally the exact definition of rug sweeping. There is no debate. This is rug sweeping.

i continue to love my wife more than anything in the world and i will forever. unless she hurts me again.

I contend that you don't love her. You love what she represents to you. There have been many betrayed here, many of whom have posted here (NP5, Walloped) who have done way more to save their marriage and have gone way more outside of their comfort zone than you are willing to do. I hate to be blunt, but there it is

i totally get it.

i appreciate your willingness to beat me over the head. i hear you loud and clear.

i do not believe a single solution or plan is applicable to every situation. i just dont.

i know that its hard to understand, but i am willing to take it in the ass to move on. may sound weak or whatever but i suppose at the end of the day its what im willing to do. what anyone else has done is very nice to know and supportive, certainly, but Im not willing to go that direction.

also, if my wife wants to continue the affair, then so be it. i dont want the inability to do so to be the reason she doesnt. if she wants to go to him, she can and should. fuck, maybe she will.

i feel like i am doing this on my terms and for that i feel better. i am not you and vice versa. maybe my attempt at reconciliation is set up for text book failure. Im fine with that. Im fine with coming back here and saying but i fucked that deal up...

but i promise if it happens again, ill be doing it with a 25 year old sitting on my lap from a beach someplace.

TPIR, did you know that there are many ways a woman can die from an STD? She can get cervical cancer from HPV which is an extremely common STD. She could have a compromised immune system and die from an infection. She could not die but lose the use of her uterus due to HPV, untreated chlamydia, or by any scarring caused by any number of STDs while having an IUD which is a very commocommon form of birth control for women her age. There are several members here who almost died because their WHs gave them an STD. One member recently found out his WW had syphilis and didn't tell him for several years which is an STD that is 100% fatal after several years of having it. Luckily he's still alive and she got treated in secret but he still could have caught it and be experiencing permanent damage to his brain and heart causing them to shut down and there would be nothing that could be done for him. If a few years go by and you hear through the grapevine that OBS died of cervical cancer or complications due to an STD, would you still be okay with choosing not to have told her now?

i totally get it.

i appreciate your willingness to beat me over the head. i hear you loud and clear.

I'm actually not even trying to convince you of anything. I'm just pointing out the logical fallacies within your existing plan.

she told me the other night that she doesnt want to talk about it because she doenst want to be reminded of what she did to me. she doesnt want to know that i am thinking about it all the time.

This is the definition Of rug sweeping.

TPain. I wish you good luck with your plan. I'm going to disconnect from this thread now as you don't seem to need/want/care to heed any advice.

As we say to a BS whose WW is handing him or her a load of pain and bullshit: get out, life is too short!

I'm going to take that advice to heart and move myself out of your M's infidelity.

I wish you both happiness. Take care.

I understand that you've made up your mind and want to try things your way. I've done some things my way as well, TBD on how that pans out. However, I want to make sure you understand something.

She doesn't want you to expose, to protect HIM. She'd rather threaten to (or actually) divorce YOU than to hurt him by letting his wife know. She's already chosen him over you. Period. That is not love.

I know you so desperately want to believe no sex but that's a coping mechanism. I wanted to believe it too and I did for a long time.

A woman doesn't choose divorcing her husband over hurting (aka exposing) another man that she hasn't slept with. Period.

I'm sorry.

using this logic ....

you see a bank robbery. you can identify the robber. you choose not to because you are worried about his family and the pain it might cause. doesntthis make you morally culpabile for his next crime?

this guys poor wife has no clue. she thinks all is ok. and you are ok with leaving her thinling that despite knowing its not all ok? sigh....

TPIR I agree with all, you are rugsweeping, you are trying to put a bandaid on a compound fracture. You will not heal correctly, if at all. The fact as all the posters have pointed out is your wayward wife is controlling you, and minimizing. As people whom have lived it it is obvious her game plan, and we are trying to help you open your eyes before more damage is done. You're correct each situation is unique but there are commonalities. Your not contacting the OBS is selfish. She deserves to know the facts. Your wife threatening you with divorce if you tell is very alarming, a red flag, a beacon, a warning klaxon. She should be willing to do anything and everything to help you. She is selfish, and scared what you will do when you learn the truth. A good defense is a good offense, she is on the offense, and putting you back on your heels, and you have your hands down.

In fact both of you are selfish and this is the reason you won't rock the boat.

I urge you to have your WW take a polygraph, do not tell her, just do it. Methinks you will find out before the test her intentions. I am sorry you are here, and hope you are right, but the collective experiences beg to differ.

I doubt you will follow through with the polygraph because you can't handle the truth. She is counting on your fears to not rock the boat. But sadly your boat has sprung a leak, but you won't look for it, until the water is up to your neck.

So what harm would a polygraph cause your WW. NONE if she is being truthful. What have you got to lose, NOTHING, except a cheating lying wife. If she passes, you would be in the minority.

Don't you think it is worth the risk?

Best wishes

I just want you to think about these two statements:

i have been clear that any sign of infidelity and shit storm gets released.

So does this mean that you would tell the OBS if you discovered she was still cheating with the OM? If so, then you would tell out of vengeance....which you said that you would not do.

she told me the other night that she doesnt want to talk about it because she doenst want to be reminded of what she did to me. she doesnt want to know that i am thinking about it all the time

Just to make sure that you understand, the above is not remorse. It's regret. It's about her feelings, and how YOUR hurt affects her.

You are not getting out of infidelity. You are succumbing to it, because you KNOW....no matter how much you are trying to convince yourself otherwise....that fear is driving your actions/inactions.

We are trying to get you past this fear.

My husband gave me high-risk HPV from ONE of the women he slept with. I wasn't due for a pap to check for abnormal cells at the time because I'd had one about 6 months prior to him sleeping with me without telling me. If the OW hadn't been desperate for attention and sending emails about her "cancer scare", I wouldn't have known to get checked. I had to have biopsies and abnormal areas cut off my cervix. The doctor thought he had gotten it all and my body would fight off the HPV back in 2004. Earlier this year, I had to go through another round of biopsies.

My point: You are not doing this woman any favors by keeping her husband's secrets for her. Your wife doesn't have any STDs as far as you know (HPV usually has no symptoms until it's too late). You also don't know that your wife is the only woman this guy slept with. The one thing you do know for sure is that this guy has been cheating on his wife and having sex with other women thereby putting his wife's health at risk. The one thing his wife doesn't know is everything you do know.

Even though the OW's motives were nefarious, she did me a favor with her desperate emails. I could have died and left my kids without a mother because of my husband's behavior. I wouldn't have had a pap for another 2 1/2 years because of the new 3 year guidelines for long term marriages that the AMA had begun recommending around that time. That may very well have been too late. You think it would be vindictive to tell her? I think it's vindictive not to.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:36 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

I have been following your posts. It's too painful.

I'm out.

Good luck

It is tough to see you on another person's thread extolling the value of the advice given on this forum when you taken literally none of it.

this is rugsweeping 101. That is on you TPIR. However, we don't have to live with it but your wife and OM just got off consequence free.

The affair is on her, your continued pain and uncertainty is on you.

I agree with Sharkman

page after page...

post after post...

Unfortunately you can't get rid of me that easy. My schedule is ridiculous and I can't get on SI as much as some of the others here but you can call me P.I.T.A. "Have you let go of the outcome yet T Pain?"

Really it's pointless to talk about your WW and your sitch. There is so much posted here I couldn't possibly add anything. I do want to talk more about what is going on with you.

In my last post I asked about how exactly would exposing the A to the OBS hurt your WW exactly. You're still protecting her. Why? Explore that in IC.

Sounds like losing your WW may be your greatest fear. She holds a D over your head if you expose. Are you really protecting her or is there a deeper issue going on with you? Fear of abandonment? Or maybe it is a KISA thing? Or a CoD thing? I don't want to speculate and play armchair IC.

What I can say is that my father had all of those things and he could not take action either. I see a lot of similarities in how both you and my father handle your situations. You both threaten a lot about what you would do if it happens again. But when it comes right down to it, there is a lot of fear there. That won't change in the future unless if you address that fear now. All the bluster about what you will do means nothing in the exact same way that your WW promises it will never happen again. Just meaningless words with no action to back them up.

What do you think? Am I way off base here? If so my apologies. I'm just trying to see more of what's going on with you. We're all afraid. We all have fears. What are yours?

Let go of the outcome.

PITA (pain in the ass)

You've said if she goes to him again, so be it. Then, I guess there isn't anything more to say to you about it. I wish you luck. You will need it.

TPIR,

There still is advice available for you moving forward. You can read the forums (JFO, G, R, ICanRelate Betrayed Menz) to pick up knowledge even if you don't post. I recommend the current JFO post from Porsche987.

I will say that you have articulated a consistent resolve to stay the course you have charted. I trust that it is your conscious choice, not necessarily one "chosen" by default or inaction. And your consistent resolve in your chosen path comes in the face of your path being tested/challenged by members here. Your shit show, your shit sandwich, so your call.

July 13th:

i want to love her and figure out why she did it and do whatever i can to prevent it again.

I took some of your subsequent posts to mean that you understood that you could not affair proof your marriage; that if she wanted to cheat she would. Perhaps you mean that you will not do anything to contribute any future waywardness. Work to "Affair Proof" yourself. Meaning you work on yourself, your identified issues for self improvement and growth, IC identified issues; self reflect on any issues of KISA, Nice Guy, Co-Dep (hey, we have all resembled pieces of those at some time or other). Recover, heal, grow personally, professionally, exhibit leadership within your family and marriage.

i dont want her actions to ruin our lives and our relationships. if this gets out, no one will look at her the same. yes, she brought it on herself and probably deserves it. i am still trying to protect her i do not want her humiliated even though she has humiliated me. i do not want to hurt her despite what shes done...

she is a professional with a good job and this could have tremendously adverse affects on that. we live in a smaller city that is very incestuous. people are unforgiving here. they see her as the sweetest and most caring person around. until this happened, i was the biggest supporter of that image. she honestly is the best person i have ever met. minus the lying cheating affair pair.

ive raised my kids to understand that honesty is above all else. how will they respond to the fact that their mother is a liar and her lies and infidelity destroyed their happy home?

Your path is constructed around her being immunized from serious consequences. You've imposed other consequences: the GPS, email and phone surveillance, and at least for now, not really being physically separated from you. You've stated to her that you'll roll out the nuclear option if she is ever unfaithful again. Your shit show, your shit sandwich, your call that this is the best way forward for your marriage and family.

she swore that if i would stop bringing it up, she would be that person and love me forever. she would spend her life making me forget.

This is the main commitment she has made to you. It is conditional of course. It implies serious consequences on you for non compliance.

she would spend her life making me forget

Just remember, that if you cannot forget it (despite her best efforts, whatever those might be), that you cannot bring it up. Trust the thousands of real life experiences on SI. You will never forget it. You will be triggered in some way for the rest of your life. Surely, less frequently through the passage of time as you are able to recover and heal. But you already realize that this is just part of the shit sandwich that you have to eat.

Long term, be attentive to your physical, mental and emotional health. I'd suggest that the barometer for monitoring your chosen path is the amount of resentment you feel. You understand and accept that your going to eat a shit sandwich over this. She is relatively consequence free compared to you. This can result in a growing sense of resentment. Resentment will be the corrosive acid that eats you alive and destroys your plan to save your marriage and family.