SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are six years out. I confess in the beginning I was a monster. I didn't have the strength to pull the plug although in hindsight I should have. she was a mess and I played into the tears and promises. Deep down I was hoping she would go back to him so I could bring the hammer down and GTFO.

She didn't and basically rug sweeped until last year where we had a short separation. Frankly my heart just isn't into it. I tried pulling the plug on a few occasions again in a half assed way and got swept back by the tears.

We are at the point now where I think she is getting angry at the treatment she has been getting and what her life is.

The question is her knowing this, if she truly loved me as she says she does, why do I have to be the bad guy here? This whole thing is all on her. I don't buy into the I loved you the whole time biz. You don't love someone and do what she did.

And if she now is a different person, shouldn't she sacrifice by being the one to walk away? Can't be too hard she did it once already.

I know others have come back from this but has any BS just wished for a merciful end with a remorseful spouse? Has any WS fallen on their sword and just walked away cause it was the right thing to do?

The pain isn't what it was, but now just a dull ache that will never go away. I guess things need to come to a head

Ironically, if she has fallen back in love with you it isn't easy for her to walk away.

If she walks away, and starts dating, how will you feel?

Yes. All the time. He destroyed my family, not me. Yet he's waiting for ME to make the decision to physically break my family apart? So I can be the bad guy? So I can be the one the kids point to and say it was my decision?

Just another selfish choice; alleviating themselves of responsibility once again, if you ask me.

I could have rugswept and kept the facade going. That's what Xhole really wanted. But I finally decided I just couldn't do it any longer and I was the bad guy. Not only was I the bad guy in ending the M, but I was the one left to tell our kids and friends. I told them all exactly what I just wrote, I simply couldn't live the lie any longer. No one judged. Everyone understood. There was no stigma as a result, nor do I harbor any lingering guilt for doing it (though I did in the early days). It was, quite literally, liberating and felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders.

It is not any easy decision, but there is no time limit on when you have to "get over it" or not. If you are finding that you just simply cannot get past the A, that's okay! You are not a bad person for being honest about how you feel and acting in your own best interests. If you tell her you tried to come back from this, but you simply can't, there is no shame in that. You may still be on the receiving end of crocodile tears, but sometimes hard decisions must be made for your own well-being. Don't be concerned with doing what is right for YOU. She certainly had no problem thinking of only herself while having the A!

Big hugs ((WWTL)). This shit is not easy.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:38 AM, July 15th (Saturday)]

I felt that way early out - I couldn't tell if he was just getting better at affairing or whether he was flying straight. I told him one night shortly after dday - if you want to be with her - just leave. Go. Be with her. I don't care. I just don't want to be lied to again!

In your sitch - divorce her if you don't want to stay married to her. We talk about divorce being a healthy coping mechanism when you're unhappy in a marriage (as opposed to cheating). So why are you afraid to pull the plug? What's stopping you from standing up for your needs in life and ending this marriage?

Has any WS fallen on their sword and just walked away cause it was the right thing to do?

Yes, I did---I think you're somewhat familiar with my story.

Does your wife know that you want it to be over? REALLY know?

No matter how much I loved my H or how remorseful I was, I wouldn't fight to stay in a relationship where I was not wanted (if it was clear that's the case and not just an angry/hurt reaction).

I do, wwtl. Not that she needs to file but that she needs to leave (separate) so I can file. Because I didn't kick her to the curb immediately after DDay1 I condoned the adultery so separation is the only route for me. I feel I can't practically leave because I have livestock to care for daily and I'm 35 miles from the nearest trading centre and rental living accommodation. Then she would be on the ranch where I come to care for the livestock (and that's not a 9 to 5 situation). She's now said she will try to be out of here by September 1. I've heard this before. She'll play her fiddle until it's too late.

But, even knowing that R isn't going to happen - it takes 2 - I sometimes weaken and think about the "what if's", maybe I can just tough it out. The only way I seem to be able to stay strong is to stay angry. There will be no changes. I have succumbed to her beauty, intelligence and personality for over 40 years now. What could ever change now? So, I stay angry. Staying angry is very harmful for one's health. I need her to leave (throw in the towel).

Has any WS fallen on their sword and just walked away cause it was the right thing to do?

Mine is. But she's also trying to keep me in close range in case things get too tough for her on her own. And as steadychevy, I'll probably cave because I too "have succumbed to her beauty, intelligence and personality" for 17 years.

why do I have to be the bad guy here

WWTL, throwing in the towel doesn't make you the bad guy. If your WW is remorseful and repentant, but it is still too much for you to live with, just end it. Don't continue to punish her. There is nothing she can do to change what has already happened.

There is no shame in acknowledging that it is a dealbreaker for you.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 4:28 PM, July 15th (Saturday)]

Ther is no shame in acknowledging that it is a dealbreaker for you.

You won't be the bad guy for filing. Everyone knows what your WW did, I don't feel anyone would look at you and say you were the "bad guy" in this situation.

Your wife doesn't want a divorce. She is remorseful and feels like she deserves the way you treat her. Until she doesn't anymore. Who knows how long that will take?

The pain isn't what it was, but now just a dull ache that will never go away.

I have said this before and I don't mean it in a snarky way, but you seem to "cherish" your pain. Like Gollum and his Precious. It seems to me that you want to keep it going, you want to be able to be angry at your WW, so that you can continue to punish her. If you let your anger go it would make it extremely difficult for you to continue being "mean" to her. I don't imagine you have looked into or tried EMDR yet? Even if you went to EMDR that doesn't mean you have to stay married but maybe you could let go of your pain and anger. Or, would you really rather keep it?

Hugs and understanding WWTL. I could have written your post because I feel the same. Everyone tells me "he seems so sorry" and "wow! He is taking total responsibility for what he has done and is disgusted with himself!" BUT, no one sees the damage he has done to me. No one sees me cry and shake and beg for the pain to go away. No one looks at the pictures of the last 10+ years and see the lies and manipulations. WH portrays himself as remorseful and devastated by what he has done so if I pull the plug I look like a bitter woman not having the grace to forgive. My child will watch his dad beg and plead to stay and will know that mommy cannot forgive. A few weeks ago my son (11years old) was nasty to me. I have told him that it was not acceptable and he broke down crying. He begged me to please forgive him. Promised he would never do it again. He mimicked what WH says. It broke my heart. He actually thought that if he did anything wrong I will not be able to forgive him.

I have to hold onto my pain. If I let it go I am afraid that I will not feel anything.

Why can't you walk away? What is it about her walking away that would validate you?

Dig deeper than you don't want to be the bad guy. Clearly, you aren't. Why do you perceive you would be seen that way? Is she seen as a sympathetic figure in your social circle and in your family? Seen as a completely broken person, so broken that she deserves sympathy?

Perhaps her remaining is so that she can continue to be punished for what she did. And your remaining enables her to be punished.

What is it that you give up by staying? What is it that you give up by going? Or the mirror image...what is it you gain?

Has the crime scene, your house, been sold?

Would I have fallen on the sword and just walked away cause it was the right thing to do?

I'd like to think so...but, I can't be sure looking back to those dark days long ago. I cannot imagine enduring 6 years of the anguish and pain both of you have suffered through.

It sounds like what you and your wife have been doing "ain't working" and the clock of life is ticking away.

My German Uncle used to say "genug ist genug". Maybe it is time for new beginning?

I sincerely wish you peace.

We are now at a true deciding point. I am away this week playing golf, but prior to my leaving we had a serious discussion of where we stand.

She has finally found some anger on her part which was actually a good thing. After she laid it Out I understand her pain, although I have felt it all along. Her complaint is

Since the affair things have been pretty one sided.

Sex which once was a fun thing where we could enjoy each other is now more of just a release for me. The candles and other things which she loved don't mean the same to me as she shared them with him too. Even if he didn't appreciate them.

We really haven't celebrated an anniversary. We go away together but I am just as happy taking golf trips with my buddies which is where I am now.

She got outed to our kids and friends. She holds our separation against me as she felt she had no choice as it was that or divorce. Though she was free to date also, she said I knew she never would, which is kind of true. There was more too. She at this point was crying asking what else could she do. She can't change what she did and will regret it until the day she dies but wants us to work so badly

I am glad she got it off her chest but it was brutal to sit through.

She is now almost demanding we do to retro vile and back to a qualified MC as she can't go on like this anymore.

I just am not sure I want to work so hard, which is telling. I do love her, but the comfort we had before just isn't there anymore. There is so much tension.

She is now terrified on being on her own. When we were first married I could be sitting right next to her and guys would be hitting on her. I was invisible. Now it's the opposite. I spent the last 6 years getting in shape, while she has struggled with her weight and she has visabled aged. I am getting the attention now.

I have held onto the anger, but yet I still care deeply for her. This is not the place I thought I would be at this stage of my life.

We are going to come to a firm decision when I get back. Hopefully the excruciating tale of WWTL will conclude. I do appreciate everyone's feedback. I just feel like shit about all my choices

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 5:26 PM, July 15th (Saturday)]

You will come to a decision. If you truly no longer want the marriage, be kind to her and end it.

WWTL, you can care deeply for someone and still acknowledge that it's in both of your best interests to not be together. Sometimes the damage is too great. The wound has been festering for too long. The BS does not think going through the exceptionally difficult marathon of R to get the M back to "meh" is just not worth it. You can't set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.

Or you are pissed with yourself for not taking the A as a deal-breaker, and rug sweeping for five years. I can't help but wonder why you can't get back to "all-in", I might be talking out my ass, but why not give it a damn good try. Do the EMDR, Retrouvaille, and hypnosis if need be. Give all that a shot, and it is worth the try.

waitedwaytoolong,

I have thought about leaving only because I thought it might make my BS's life easier to not have me around as a constant reminder. But, I didn't because it just didn't feel right to once again be making choices for my BS (I made enough hurtful choices without consulting her over the last 25+ years) and also because we have 4 children at home and it would put a huge burden on her to have to manage them alone. Lastly, the selfish part, I can't give up hope that we can get through it because I Love my BS and want to spend the rest of my life with her (I know I am a complete hypocrite saying this as I had that chance and gave it up when I brought someone else into our marriage).

Sassy said this:

In your sitch - divorce her if you don't want to stay married to her. We talk about divorce being a healthy coping mechanism when you're unhappy in a marriage (as opposed to cheating). So why are you afraid to pull the plug? What's stopping you from standing up for your needs in life and ending this marriage?

Darkness said this:

Does your wife know that you want it to be over? REALLY know?

Like many other situations in life, eventually, after an allotted time, it will become YOUR fault for a decision/lack of a decision made over a prior event. You said that your WW is remorseful. You said that you don't think that you have it in you to 'let go' of her past indiscretions and to fully forgive and recommit.

So why does she have to pull the plug? By your description, she is doing everything that she can think of to try to salvage the marriage. Better yet--if you point-blank told her that the one last thing that she could do to help you heal would be to have her file for divorce, would she do it?

I just am not sure I want to work so hard, which is telling.

I think it is WWTL. Sometimes the damage is just too great. Yes, it is tragic and heartbreaking when a marriage ends but sometimes it's more healthy than staying together when the damage is just too great. It may turn out to be what's best for for you and your wife.

If you want to talk to your wife and give it one last try - then do so. But if in your heart you know you won't be giving it your all, than imo it may just be kinder to end it now so you both can move on in your lives and try to find some happiness.

I do believe you care very deeply about your wife that is why you have been trying to reconcile what in your heart you believe you can't. I think you've both been in a lot of pain. It may just be kinder to the both of you to end it.