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I contacted another BS who's husband also had affair with OW at same time my husband did. She says they opted to continue paying her so that she would not publicly ostracize them this way. She says her husband too could possibly be the dad, but she refused them DNA testing too. She knows that the ex signed the birth certificate and pays child support, but doesn't know if he did paternity. Says it doesn't matter cause the mere rumors would ruin their church which is why they chose to pay. Her husband has repented and they are in couples therapy. She says she is praying for me.

She is saying that he is lying

Consider the way her ex partner has behaved towards you and the way this vile OW has behaved towards you, and make your decision about who's the one who's lying. The fact is this OW has never stopped lying. Ignore her words Mrs A, but please do tell the police she's still contacting you. It's time for that woman to be stopped.

I've contacted the dective that handled our case. I told him about the messages and sent them to him. He says I cant file charges until I can prove it's her (and she didn't use her own page or email account). But he's going to go out and chat with her anyway. He sure it's her and is gonna demand she cease contact. He shared with me that this girl is nothing but trouble. Says he had another case where she was the victim of assault by woman whose husband she was sleeping with and blackmailing. The BS in that case suffered the consequences though. He says she enoyed every minute of having that woman arrested. Advised me to stay clear of her to keep myself out of trouble. He's gonna let me know once he's talked with her.

@Sins. You're right. Her ex is much more beliveable. I think I'm getting caught up in my emotions. Thus is too much right now. And for the life of me, I can't understand this lady. Can some one please explain WHAT DOES SHE WANT??? Im frantic to understand this. Please..what does this lady need to disappear????

Something else I can't understand is that my husband knew this woman was sleeping with several other men when he slept with her. Why would he do that?? He says he felt it would truly be no strings attached since she was sleeping with others. He says he thought it would be an easy in easy out situation that I would never find out about. What about our health??? I've chosen very particularly who I sleep with. I've only been with 1 other person in my whole life (who I thought I was going to marry). By sleeping with her, he's added several people to my bed. It's like I was sleeping with all those men too. Thank God I didn't contract anything! !!

It sounds like he intended emotionless infidelity. Why pay for sex when it is free? Didn’t know her blackmailing history and thought he could get away with it. I image he used condoms or stupidly thought she was std free and on birth control.

Honestly, I don’t think in the moment he was thinking with anything but his sex brain.

I don’t mean to defend him.

It is hard to reconcile when you have so much pressure to do so.

Please take care of yourself.

The detective called back. Says he has given her explicit instructions to cease communication with me. He said she wouldn't admit to the messages she just sent me, but told him that she had heard my husband had a heart attack after I left him. Even asked him to validate this information. He says he bid her farewell at that point and is urging me to stay clear of her.

That’s great keep documenting all this.

Bid her farewell and stay clear of her???

My god.

What kind of police force do you have? Bypass them all and go see the District Attorney or lead prosecutor in your area. Lay it out for him/her all you've been through. It's past time this woman was brought up on charges. Yes it IS blackmail and YES it is extortion and Yes it's 'obtaining money under false pretenses."

I'm a lawyer and I call BS on your police department and their lack of help to you.

Go back to your lawyer and file a civil suit against her to recover the money. See if he will do it on a contingency basis -- meaning he gets a large portion of what he recovers. Does she own a home? If so, getting a judgment will allow you to place a LEIN on said property.

You have proven to be a fighter so don't stop now.

@jeniegirl. She didnt message me from an account I can trace to her. I guess that's why he only "talked it over" with her. I have retained an attorney, but hadn't moved forward with anything yet. I'd been trying to figure things out. I didn't leave him till 2/2 and now dealing with his health. I'd been gathering evidence for civil suit for money my husband paid her. Also, planned to name her as cause of my divorce and sueven (lawyer says I could do that. I never knew that). Don't think she'll ever pay (she's unemployed) but I just want her to be served anyway and be faced with the litigation. Once my husband is discharged, I'll work on restraining order. I wasn't expecting to Deeal with her anymore.

My husband gets discharged tomorrow. I'm still off work for another week, maybe longer, depending on how well he does..I am thankful.. really I am...but the pain is still there. He wants to disclose to the kids about the affair. I'm not ready for him to do that yet. I don't care if they hate me. For some reason, right now, I hate myself. I'm hoping this is a phase-something I'm going through temporarily. But I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. This is a new emotion for me...why am I suddenly feeling thus way??

Sounds like you feel guilty, MrsA. But you need to work through those feelings. Others are making you feel that way, but you can choose NOT to allow their views to affect you.

You need to clear your head and see that you have taken a step that is hard, but one you believe is best for you. Not having support from those around you is causing you to doubt yourself. I'm so sorry you aren't getting the support from family and friends and pastor that you deserve.

Listen to your gut. You will know the right path. Sending you strength

Going home today. He will not be working for at leaSt a month or two...The Bills..hospital bills, house bills. Just got a new apartment. The kids...Im starting a new job next month (one with less stress) but looks like I'll have to work 2 for awhile. Hes taking leave of absence from his job. But that comes without pay...he's upset that I'm going through this..I think is concern is genuine. He's always been the one taking care of me..I'm not weak like mama thinks. She has no idea how much I've endured and overcome these last eight months. I don't know why I'm posting this..Anyways, thanks for the support. This forum has literally been a life saver for me.

Mrs A

You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is on your husband. Please let him disclose to the children.

I hope your in individual therapy.

He's recovered really well. NOT Back to work yet, but he's doing well..I'm exhausted. Working 3 jobs right now to supplement his missing income and care for him and kids.I dropped out of therapy (can't afford it right now) but I'm Journaling and trying to take care of myself too. Im willing to try reconciliation now, I think...I just don't know what to do. It's been 9 months..surely, I'm going to get over this????

It takes 2 to 5 years to recover from adultery with a remorseful spouse.

Are you sure you are thinking of R as what you really want and not just the path of least resistance? I know it's scary to D, but to me R seems very scary if both partners are not all in and making each other feel safe.

Sorry to hear about your situation Ashamed. One thing I'd like to say regarding the OW. When you play her game, you're going to lose. She's trying to push your buttons and you've been allowing her. She's playing the same game she's played with the other affair partners and their spouses. It's called the humiliation game. She knows that they will pay her money to not be humiliated. She played this game with every husband she cheated with and it's worked great for her. Don't play her game. You need to remember that to her it's a game, a cruel game, but a game just the same. Her reasoning? You've maybe heard the old saying, "Some people just want to watch the world burn."; they exist. Aside from having an affair with your idiot husband, nothing she says is true. Those aren't his kids. She's just a scheming whore who preys on naive men and then extorts them to pay her bills. She's already tried to damage your reputation and there's not much more non-physical that she can do to you. The worst is over; she's not going to risk jail time to get at you. She's using other people's fears to get money; she's a swindler. She knows how to and does lie to the justice system, i.e. police, judges, etc., and she's going to continue to lie. Her life is built around lies; pretty pathetic if you think about it. Pathetic in that people are allowing themselves to be used by a nobody. What a pathetic life that she's living. She's going to die abandoned and alone. Note also how she's living her life through you. She's been watching and has been jealous of you for years. Why is that? Because her life is pathetic and she knows it. The only happiness she has in life is watching others, not just you, be drug down to her level. She wants you to play her game so she can drag you down, ruin your marriage, ruin your life, and make you miserable. Then you'll be just like her. Play your own game. Do the opposite of what she wants. If you're going to respond to her email, just send a smiley face. Let her arrows bounce off of you; they have only the power that you give them. Show her and the naysayers that you're not affected by this. Plot a coarse for success and follow it. Don't be affected by what others think; you're better than that. And remember that success is the best revenge. Take care of yourself.

I feel bad. Not sick, just bad. He's doing better. Hell be going back to work in June. I'm happy that he's ok. I've made sure he gets his medicine and therapy he needs. I realize that deep down inside, I blame myself for the heart attack. Logically, I know that I didn't cause it. Mentally and emotionally, I've been blaming myself. I promised him that I wouldn't leave again. That I would work it out somehow. But, it's hurting me somehow. I can't explain this without sounding nuts, but I'm not me anymore. I pretend to laugh and watch TV with him. We are spending time together, but I don't talk about anything I really want to talk about. It's when I'm at work that I feel I can be me. Sometimes I sneak to my apartment to talk to friends, watch tv, and sometimes I day dream (which is something I havent done since I was a girl) about a different life for me. One where I fell in love, got married, and my husband didn't cheat. My day dream husband adores and respects me. Then I go home to my real husband who is trying desperately to reconcile with me. I love him. Lord knows I love him. I pray for him. I ask God to bless him. But I don't ask God for anything for myself. Don't I love myself??? I'm sure I do. I think I'm not ready to reconcile, but I'm so afraid of hurting him and Of sending him back to ICU. I keep telling myself that I found the strength to leave him and start over on my own, surely I can find the strength to reconcile. We slept together twice while seperated. It was great. BUT now that I've committed to reconciliation, I don't get sexual urges anymore. I daydream and masturbate. I've even ordered sex toys and videos that I keep at my apartment. I don't know what's wrong with me. It will be next month before I can afford to return to my counselor. But I feel awful.I want to do what's right. But I want to be happy too. Am I ever gonna be happy again?? I used to laugh so much. God, I never saw this coming. I miss me. Tha happy me. The me I was before this affair. I wanna be her. Happy. Beautiful. Loved. Respected. She was an awesome person. Who believed in love and family. I'm so cynical and untrusting these days. I still can't look in the mirror. I don't bother with make up anymore. I don't see the point. I miss me. Will I ever be me again?? Am I ever gonna be happy again?

Mrs. A--

I read all your story today for the first time and want to reach out to you.

No, you will never be the carefree wifey again. The experience has changed, and will continue to change, you as you move forward in life.

But, the direction your evolution will take does depend entirely on you. If you "commit to reconciliation" KNOWING that you are "not ready," then the revised you will be a defeated, self-loathing and sacrificing shadow of the real you.

If you take the time for yourself away from him, you might yet decide to reconcile down the road, or you may realize that the peaceful escapes to your apartment signal your new direction in life. But in either of those instances, the pain from this terrible betrayal will become part of your larger life experience and reveal your strength and value to yourself.

Someone posted in your thread about the differences between regret (words) and remorse (actions), and that is very important now, because you need time for yourself and to SEE for yourself if his actions will show true remorse. True remorse is the only thing he can give you that can help you to heal, and even then it may not be enough for reconciliation. But you need to see if he can give you that before you decide anything. Please tell him your "promise" to stay in the marriage was made prematurely and out of stress and fear for his health. Tell him that you cannot do that until you are ready or you will hate the stymied, doubting, pallid woman you will become. And his guilt will be doubled when he sees what you become. Make sure he knows what you are looking for in him, too. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" is a wonderful book by Linda MacDonald that is free in pdf on-line.

Give yourself some time. Take good care of yourself and make sure that the "you" who emerges from this is the wiser, stronger, more confident "you" that you know you can be.

Odonna